Hello everyone. This is my first post, anytime, anywhere. Peraps some of you may have some words of encouragement.
I want to keep this a summary, but also give you enough information to be useful. My wife and I have been married 28 years. During this last year, she told me she is thinking of a separation, but didn't know where to go. For the last nine months, she also refuses sex. We are in marital crisis, and it has been devastating for me. I have never really experienced depression before, but now I understand what that means. I have never cried so much in life.
Some background. I don't know for sure, but my wife may have married me without ever having a strong sexual attraction to me. A head vs. heart thing. I offered the things she was looking for, I was a "good guy" and we had similar values, she knew I would be a good father and provider, and I was athletic and physically attractive enough. I was the guy you could bring home to the parents and they would be pleased.
But we were both sexually inexperienced. Early on in our marraige, we got into a routine were I learned how to please her orally, and she would usually have an orgasm, but she would just lay there with closed eyes and fantasize. I often wondered, who is she thinking about. Also, trying different positions was not allowed because anything other than the one sideways position was painful for her. Except for rare occasions, she refused to give me oral sex. From my perspective, it was always me trying to please her, but I never had a sense that she was trying to please me sexually. Perhaps she was, but it didn't feel that way to me.
Of course, my desire diminished. We did it less frequently, and with less emotional connection. Also, because of my disruptive snoring, we slept together less and less. The result was that neither one of us was being satisfied sexually. But we didn't do anything about it. I was busy in my career, she was busy at home, and we had three wonderful growing boys that we devoted our lives to. As parents, we worked great together; she is a wonderful Mom and she would agree that I am an involved and loving Dad. But we should have been paying more attention to ourselves, and our marriage.
Now, we are becoming empty nesters, and it seems that every frustration my wife has ever had in our marriage is bubbling to the top. She brings up issues or events from 15 or 20 years ago, and says she was just stuffing all these feelings deep inside because I missed all the messages of unhappiness she was sending to me. I am sure I did miss many things; I have never been very good at "reading" messages. At the same time, I always thought we were pretty happy. To me, the issues we had seemed like just minor bumps in the road. I realize now that I greatly under appreciated what was going on inside my wife emotionally.
Now I have learned that she is not attracted to me, and maybe even a bit repulsed by me. She would say she loves me as a husband and as a father to our boys, but not in a romantic way. The years of sexual routine, and not sleeping together enough, and me missing her messages to me, caused an emotional disconnect that is too much for her to bear. Through my own fault, I didn't realize that I was not meeting her emotional needs and was frustrating her. So, nine months ago sex came to an abrupt end.
The crazy thing is, for a few weeks before she cut off all sex, she was amazingly great in bed. I thought we had the best sex of our entire marraige. We had some different positions, including her being on top which was always previously painful for her, and even oral sex for me. From my perspective, we started connecting emotionally too, intimacy was being found, we were communicating better, and I really thought we were on our way to healing our marriage, and our next phase would include a great sex life together. I was excited. Then, one day, it all stopped. She said it wasn't working for her. I asked why, what happened, and she said she had just been faking it that last few weeks and she was just trying to prove to me that she can be great in bed. She later regretted saying that.
It has been a horrible nine months, but it feels like maybe we have turned a corner and we are both really trying hard to save our marraige. We agree that our grown kids would be devastated if we divorced. She knows I am trying to change the stuff about me that annoys her, and she is trying too.
We went out on a "date" for dinner and a movie, and then we made love afterwards. First time in a long time. We took our time, lots of caressing and kissing beforehand, and I gave her a back rub afterwards. Nevertheless, I know it was hard for her. I know that she is still in great emotional turmoil. She was able to kiss me, but I realize it may well have just been "sex" and not lovemaking. I know that things are not and will not be fixed over night. Still, I appreciated her effort and willingness to try being together sexually.
Just one month ago, I believed I had lost her completely. She wouldn't agree to go to marraige counseling, she wouldn't work through any marraige books with me (I bought a couple and she tossed them aside), I was not even allowed to show her any affection. She said things to me that hurt deeply, and it seemed that there was almost no chance of winning her back. It seemed like it was too late, and that whatever we once had, it was gone. Like the old Roy Orbison song, she "lost that loving feeling."
Now, it seems maybe there is a chance. I have some hope. So, here is my concern. Has anyone out there been in that situation where the wife is just not attracted to the husband, maybe even repulsed by him, but then was able to regain that "loving feeling"? I have read a lot of these posts, and so often it seems that once the love is gone, it is very rare to regain it. Are there some success stories out there? If so, do you have any advice that can help keep this going in a positive, healing, direction?
Sorry for the long post. I have absolutely no friends I can talk to about this. When I have tried to talk with a couple guys, their advice or perspective was pathetic. Thanks for whatever help or encouragement anyone might offer.
I want to keep this a summary, but also give you enough information to be useful. My wife and I have been married 28 years. During this last year, she told me she is thinking of a separation, but didn't know where to go. For the last nine months, she also refuses sex. We are in marital crisis, and it has been devastating for me. I have never really experienced depression before, but now I understand what that means. I have never cried so much in life.
Some background. I don't know for sure, but my wife may have married me without ever having a strong sexual attraction to me. A head vs. heart thing. I offered the things she was looking for, I was a "good guy" and we had similar values, she knew I would be a good father and provider, and I was athletic and physically attractive enough. I was the guy you could bring home to the parents and they would be pleased.
But we were both sexually inexperienced. Early on in our marraige, we got into a routine were I learned how to please her orally, and she would usually have an orgasm, but she would just lay there with closed eyes and fantasize. I often wondered, who is she thinking about. Also, trying different positions was not allowed because anything other than the one sideways position was painful for her. Except for rare occasions, she refused to give me oral sex. From my perspective, it was always me trying to please her, but I never had a sense that she was trying to please me sexually. Perhaps she was, but it didn't feel that way to me.
Of course, my desire diminished. We did it less frequently, and with less emotional connection. Also, because of my disruptive snoring, we slept together less and less. The result was that neither one of us was being satisfied sexually. But we didn't do anything about it. I was busy in my career, she was busy at home, and we had three wonderful growing boys that we devoted our lives to. As parents, we worked great together; she is a wonderful Mom and she would agree that I am an involved and loving Dad. But we should have been paying more attention to ourselves, and our marriage.
Now, we are becoming empty nesters, and it seems that every frustration my wife has ever had in our marriage is bubbling to the top. She brings up issues or events from 15 or 20 years ago, and says she was just stuffing all these feelings deep inside because I missed all the messages of unhappiness she was sending to me. I am sure I did miss many things; I have never been very good at "reading" messages. At the same time, I always thought we were pretty happy. To me, the issues we had seemed like just minor bumps in the road. I realize now that I greatly under appreciated what was going on inside my wife emotionally.
Now I have learned that she is not attracted to me, and maybe even a bit repulsed by me. She would say she loves me as a husband and as a father to our boys, but not in a romantic way. The years of sexual routine, and not sleeping together enough, and me missing her messages to me, caused an emotional disconnect that is too much for her to bear. Through my own fault, I didn't realize that I was not meeting her emotional needs and was frustrating her. So, nine months ago sex came to an abrupt end.
The crazy thing is, for a few weeks before she cut off all sex, she was amazingly great in bed. I thought we had the best sex of our entire marraige. We had some different positions, including her being on top which was always previously painful for her, and even oral sex for me. From my perspective, we started connecting emotionally too, intimacy was being found, we were communicating better, and I really thought we were on our way to healing our marriage, and our next phase would include a great sex life together. I was excited. Then, one day, it all stopped. She said it wasn't working for her. I asked why, what happened, and she said she had just been faking it that last few weeks and she was just trying to prove to me that she can be great in bed. She later regretted saying that.
It has been a horrible nine months, but it feels like maybe we have turned a corner and we are both really trying hard to save our marraige. We agree that our grown kids would be devastated if we divorced. She knows I am trying to change the stuff about me that annoys her, and she is trying too.
We went out on a "date" for dinner and a movie, and then we made love afterwards. First time in a long time. We took our time, lots of caressing and kissing beforehand, and I gave her a back rub afterwards. Nevertheless, I know it was hard for her. I know that she is still in great emotional turmoil. She was able to kiss me, but I realize it may well have just been "sex" and not lovemaking. I know that things are not and will not be fixed over night. Still, I appreciated her effort and willingness to try being together sexually.
Just one month ago, I believed I had lost her completely. She wouldn't agree to go to marraige counseling, she wouldn't work through any marraige books with me (I bought a couple and she tossed them aside), I was not even allowed to show her any affection. She said things to me that hurt deeply, and it seemed that there was almost no chance of winning her back. It seemed like it was too late, and that whatever we once had, it was gone. Like the old Roy Orbison song, she "lost that loving feeling."
Now, it seems maybe there is a chance. I have some hope. So, here is my concern. Has anyone out there been in that situation where the wife is just not attracted to the husband, maybe even repulsed by him, but then was able to regain that "loving feeling"? I have read a lot of these posts, and so often it seems that once the love is gone, it is very rare to regain it. Are there some success stories out there? If so, do you have any advice that can help keep this going in a positive, healing, direction?
Sorry for the long post. I have absolutely no friends I can talk to about this. When I have tried to talk with a couple guys, their advice or perspective was pathetic. Thanks for whatever help or encouragement anyone might offer.