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8 Posts
I'm new here - 31yo female from NYC, been married for 11 months, been with my husband for nearly 6 years, no children.
I'm a serial cheater - not that it's any kind of excuse, but I was tragically sexually abused by multiple (3) men in my family and was severely neglected by both my parents growing up... I bounced from family member to family member from school to school from state to state... I have a history of major drug abuse and even prostitution in my late teens, early 20s. it's safe to say, I had a pretty F'ed up childhood with a lot of abuse - emotional, sexual, even physical. I've been in therapy off and on for years.
As strange as this sounds, my husband has always attracted abused women - all of his past girlfriends have had some form of abuse in their lives, and I'm no different. He's a very stable and deeply "good" person - very rational and loving. He's done amazing things for me - since being with him, I've gone back to school to pursue a career I've always been interested in, I've enjoyed amazing health (we're both health nuts - very into nutrition and exercise), I've done incredible things with him in my life, stuff I never dreamed I'd do. He makes the pain go away, he makes me love myself.
I've cheated on almost every man I've been with. He does not know this and I'm not sure whether or not he needs to. I've always sought sexual attention from men - it's a very unhealthy coping mechanism - much like cutting myself, which I also used to do as a teen. During the year and a half we were engaged, I cheated on him several times through Craigslist ads. I don't know why I did this - I truly don't. Boredom? Fear? Attention seeking?
After we got married, I vowed to myself to never do this again - I didn't want to destroy the marriage. When I began to get urges to cheat, I sought therapy which I've been in weekly since April 2012.
He has recently found out about my past affairs through some old emails he came across and he is utterly destroyed. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions - from us crying in each others arms and saying we'll move on from this and it will make us stronger, to us seriously talking about considering divorce. I want to stay together and so does he, but at times he feels the pain is too great to recover from and at this point, I honestly just feel numb, not knowing what his mood will be like from one minute to the next. I know I deserve this and it's a normal range of emotions.
I've been as attentive and available to his needs as possible... I am trying to be patient, I've sought couples therapy and am waiting for a call back to schedule an initial appointment, hopefully this week. The thing that kills me is he feels he's partly responsible for this - he feels he didn't give me what I needed and I sought it elsewhere... I'm trying to explain that it's more complicated than that and it was just me acting out, but I was otherwise very happy with the relationship. He thinks that there were issues with the relationship and questions if I truly love him or do I just love the effect he has on me? I don't even know how to answer this question - isn't it one in the same? don't you love someone because they make you feel good and want you to be a better person?
I guess I'm just posting all of this for advice on what else I can do to help him through this pain. I want to help him heal, even if it means we break up - his happiness is all I care about right now.
I'm a serial cheater - not that it's any kind of excuse, but I was tragically sexually abused by multiple (3) men in my family and was severely neglected by both my parents growing up... I bounced from family member to family member from school to school from state to state... I have a history of major drug abuse and even prostitution in my late teens, early 20s. it's safe to say, I had a pretty F'ed up childhood with a lot of abuse - emotional, sexual, even physical. I've been in therapy off and on for years.
As strange as this sounds, my husband has always attracted abused women - all of his past girlfriends have had some form of abuse in their lives, and I'm no different. He's a very stable and deeply "good" person - very rational and loving. He's done amazing things for me - since being with him, I've gone back to school to pursue a career I've always been interested in, I've enjoyed amazing health (we're both health nuts - very into nutrition and exercise), I've done incredible things with him in my life, stuff I never dreamed I'd do. He makes the pain go away, he makes me love myself.
I've cheated on almost every man I've been with. He does not know this and I'm not sure whether or not he needs to. I've always sought sexual attention from men - it's a very unhealthy coping mechanism - much like cutting myself, which I also used to do as a teen. During the year and a half we were engaged, I cheated on him several times through Craigslist ads. I don't know why I did this - I truly don't. Boredom? Fear? Attention seeking?
After we got married, I vowed to myself to never do this again - I didn't want to destroy the marriage. When I began to get urges to cheat, I sought therapy which I've been in weekly since April 2012.
He has recently found out about my past affairs through some old emails he came across and he is utterly destroyed. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions - from us crying in each others arms and saying we'll move on from this and it will make us stronger, to us seriously talking about considering divorce. I want to stay together and so does he, but at times he feels the pain is too great to recover from and at this point, I honestly just feel numb, not knowing what his mood will be like from one minute to the next. I know I deserve this and it's a normal range of emotions.
I've been as attentive and available to his needs as possible... I am trying to be patient, I've sought couples therapy and am waiting for a call back to schedule an initial appointment, hopefully this week. The thing that kills me is he feels he's partly responsible for this - he feels he didn't give me what I needed and I sought it elsewhere... I'm trying to explain that it's more complicated than that and it was just me acting out, but I was otherwise very happy with the relationship. He thinks that there were issues with the relationship and questions if I truly love him or do I just love the effect he has on me? I don't even know how to answer this question - isn't it one in the same? don't you love someone because they make you feel good and want you to be a better person?
I guess I'm just posting all of this for advice on what else I can do to help him through this pain. I want to help him heal, even if it means we break up - his happiness is all I care about right now.