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OK, I need to vent. You will recall the last argument my wife and I had as about me taking care of my special needs in the bathroom. She had a rule that I could only do it in the shower. We had a discussion to renegotiate as I think it is an unreasonable request. We agreed that as long as I did not make a mess, she would be OK with me doing it in the bathroom going forward. This was about a week ago.

For some background, I try to gauge my wife's mood and sync my alone time so it is not to close to our play time. Otherwise, it takes me too long to finish with her. I waited late last night just in case but we never had our closet time. This morning the urge was strong so I took care of business in the bathroom. My wife needed to use it as well and I let her know I was "busy". She lit up! I opened the door to let her know what I was doing and she blew up, yelled at me, called me a liar, and slammed the door in my face. I was in shock. Last week, I was very careful in making sure I was 100% clear on our agreement so there was no confusion. I reminded her of our agreement and she said that is not what she agreed and that I had coerced her in that discussion. I know for a fact that she said she was OK with it as long as I did not make a mess. I use a fleshlight (love it!) and everything is completely self contained so no way to make a mess.

We went off on each other, and I was ready to walk out of the house to blow off some steam. I stayed and we ended up talking each other down and making up. She admitted to over-reacting and said she is PMSing. That is probably true but she blows up like this more times than I can count. I apologized as well as I over-reacted as well and said she was being a b**ch. I think I have said that to her only once before. I reassured that despite the argument I think we are starting to get closer -- but geez that surprised me. I was so careful with this specific issue yet it still backfired on me. I fell like I need to walk on eggshells. I told her that there are literally 1000 decisions I make a day and have to think "what would wife do".

Anyway, we are good now but that was crazy!
If my husband had enough umps to masterbate, I wouldn't care where he did it, as long as he wasn't making a mess!
My husband and I just won't yell at each other. I mean, we have and do, but it rare. Only because early on, we did a lot!
If I am pissed at him (which I have to admit, its me pissed more than him), I will go cool off before I open my mouth. I tend to word vomit! My husband tends to stay a bit more quite until he blows, then he yells and he's jabby with his words. I cant say we never do this, but it really is rare. It was harder for me to go cool off first, because I am a "solve it right now" person, and my husband can just bury things undertone rug.
I know that isn't the case here, your situation is different. But I know my husband could say that same sentence "I told her that there are literally 1000 decisions I make a day and have to think "what would wife do". One thing that helped is when we could get to a place that "I" wasn't melting down when talking to him.
Its a little something, I dont know if it will help or be of vale in your situation, but that was big for us/me.
 

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You mentioned senses and my mind jumped to "medications" that heighten senses. Some of these are legal, some are not, depending on the state/country you live in. I always wonder how valuable some of these might be in monogamous relationships, even when tried once together. Some things increase your emotional connection, empathy, open your mind to new ideas and rewire your brain to interpret senses differently. It is not for everyone but just putting it all on the table.

For my wife and I, it is hard to get adventurous these days. It is summer time and our 4 boys are around the house constantly. We get a break every Friday and Saturday. Maybe I will suggest we make special plans for something different. Wifey hates surprises but does like anticipation.

One other question for the ladies, do you find that you want in real life the same things you fantasize about in what you read/watch?
Yes for me. If I’ve read or watched something erotic I definitely want to try it and have. I also was going to suggest for your other question you posed about sexy suggestions was your wife blindfolding you and feeding you strawberries (hope you’re not allergic lol) and trying done tactile stroking with objects. Say, a little floppy leather strap or a rope stroking Ofer your body. Add in some very light bondage - tying your wrists with scarfs while all this is being done. Maybe finish off with a 69.
 

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If my husband had enough umps to masterbate, I wouldn't care where he did it, as long as he wasn't making a mess!
My husband and I just won't yell at each other. I mean, we have and do, but it rare. Only because early on, we did a lot!
If I am pissed at him (which I have to admit, its me pissed more than him), I will go cool off before I open my mouth. I tend to word vomit! My husband tends to stay a bit more quite until he blows, then he yells and he's jabby with his words. I cant say we never do this, but it really is rare. It was harder for me to go cool off first, because I am a "solve it right now" person, and my husband can just bury things undertone rug.
I know that isn't the case here, your situation is different. But I know my husband could say that same sentence "I told her that there are literally 1000 decisions I make a day and have to think "what would wife do". One thing that helped is when we could get to a place that "I" wasn't melting down when talking to him.
Its a little something, I dont know if it will help or be of vale in your situation, but that was big for us/me.
If a H is doing the bolded above, day in day out couching every decision against what would wife do, that is intolerable and unsustainable unless medically caused by either spouse.

Things don't sound like you have a bad relationship, maybe it's not quite as bad as 1000s of and every decision.

Because many Hs, me included, would share the comment "that'll be the day".
 

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Excerpt: " Eventually we agreed that if I can keep it spotless then I can do my thing in our bathroom but if she ever found evidence, I am relegated back to the shower."
@hubby

I did read through (you said it, a looong post 👍) and am hoping you realize that this depth of giving in and sacrificing will be harmful to your emotional well being eventually.

I read re her OCD, medically an issue, so laudable in that respect.

The second thing: "you're relegated to the bathroom" and only if you take over keeping it spotless".
This like your a child, not a H and Spouse?
And she's not always even reasonably willing yet and pitches a fit if you do "it" ??

The whole cage you're being confined in is an impossibility to maintain by any person, saint or otherwise.

Something will blow.

Just be ready with the next solution set.

You sound happy in your marriage and may it always be.

Just be ready for changing tactics to keep the relationship going because odds are greatly against the present tools working forever.
 

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Discussion Starter #65
@hubby

I did read through (you said it, a looong post 👍) and am hoping you realize that this depth of giving in and sacrificing will be harmful to your emotional well being eventually.

I read re her OCD, medically an issue, so laudable in that respect.

The second thing: "you're relegated to the bathroom" and only if you take over keeping it spotless".
This like your a child, not a H and Spouse?
And she's not always even reasonably willing yet and pitches a fit if you do "it" ??

The whole cage you're being confined in is an impossibility to maintain by any person, saint or otherwise.

Something will blow.

Just be ready with the next solution set.

You sound happy in your marriage and may it always be.

Just be ready for changing tactics to keep the relationship going because odds are greatly against the present tools working forever.
Thanks for the thoughtful post @Ragnar Ragnasson. On balance, I am happy with our relationship. It has gradually improved over time. If it ever came to a situation where it was untenable, I would leave with no regrets. That said, I am giving it 110% until that point.

While she does like to be in control of the small stuff, we do give each other a lot of freedom. For example, if I want to take a sour of the moment surf trip for a few days, she is cool with it. I have had about 10 of those trips in the last few years. She also can go on girls trips whenever she wants (she just did two weeks in UK before s**t hit the fan with COVID). We also go on dates and lot and travel together.

Where we struggle is literally in the house. The issue of control is around cleanliness, safety and sex. I am continuing to focus on keeping reasonable boundaries and expectations in those areas.
 

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If a H is doing the bolded above, day in day out couching every decision against what would wife do, that is intolerable and unsustainable unless medically caused by either spouse.

Things don't sound like you have a bad relationship, maybe it's not quite as bad as 1000s of and every decision.

Because many Hs, me included, would share the comment "that'll be the day".
You are right, we don’t have a bad relationship. It’s good in many ways.

I know he feels like he is always thinking, what would I want him to do in a situation. I do think people need to pick up after themselves, but he’s okay with messy. He was a slob before we met. It’s been a 30 fight, and he’s changed a lot. I just know he feels like it’s never good enough and I don’t understand what it’s such pressure to hang your coat up, put your plate in the dishwasher. I’m not a maid. I work too.
 

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You are right, we don’t have a bad relationship. It’s good in many ways.

I know he feels like he is always thinking, what would I want him to do in a situation. I do think people need to pick up after themselves, but he’s okay with messy. He was a slob before we met. It’s been a 30 fight, and he’s changed a lot. I just know he feels like it’s never good enough and I don’t understand what it’s such pressure to hang your coat up, put your plate in the dishwasher. I’m not a maid. I work too.
I can dig all of what you're saying. He should indeed do the given things, like picking up after oneself.

In my M, that type of basic stuff is long been resolved so in my mind I gloss over those types of minutiae.

If the simple stuff like that is what all challenges consisted of, what a glorious life it would be.
 
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