Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 60 of 68 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Hi Mary! I'd love to hear more about your marriage and how you find a way to strike a balance with your husband. It is impossible for me to share my wife's perspective and I am most certainly biased in how I present our relationship. My wife probably thinks I am a horny slob and I see her as a controlling prude at times. The reality exists somewhere in the middle.

My wife was diagnosed with OCD soon after married, but I knew about a year after we started dating. She saw a therapist for a year and was on medication that turned her into a zombie. She quit the meds and we worked through it together and she successful manages the intruding thoughts but I know she still struggles internally. Our marriage was sexless for about 10 years. We had great sex the first year. It came to almost an immediate stop when the OCD flared up. We did not have sex again until about 2 years after we married, she knew I was ready for divorce at that point. We are a million times better now but still have a lot of work to do.

My gut is there are a few main problems today:
  • She needs to be in control of most everything. This gets in the way of her being able to let go and enjoy sex.
  • I am a more happy go lucky and passive person. My gut is she subconsciously wants me to be more assertive in bed, despite what she says to the contrary. Given our respective personalities, I struggle to push the boundaries with sex.
  • I think there are still trust issues she has with me.
There may be another issue that puts some distance between us. My wife is much more strict with the kids. It takes a lot to annoy me and even then, my response to the kids tends to be pretty restrained. My wife has much less patience most of the time will end up yelling at the kids. She probably yells at them a couple times a day. I have raised my voice with my 4 boys less than 10 times in my life. She feels guilty because she becomes the bad guy to the kids and she want me to step up my game. I feel that if I get to her level we will both be yelling at the kids - crushing their soul. The rational thing would seem to be that I become the disciplinarian and she lets me take over but I don't always pick up when she is about to lose patience and explode. I think this dynamic hampers the sex and intimacy levels.
I have thought a lot about this tread, because it hit home in many ways.
I was sexually abused by my dad and brother. Both parents were emotionally and physically abusive. Food was optional for my sister and myself. It wasn't a good life and I know it created a hole lot of issues within me!! One thing I am is, stubborn. I guess I have used that to MY benefit, when it comes to self awareness and healing.

I began to have panic attacks when our oldest was a year old. Something about having a child really triggered things. I was scared to death all the time. I think deep down I was so scared to make the same mistakes as my parents, yet I knew I could never be that person.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I read about everything I could get my hands on. I wanted to be a great mom. My moms only voice was yelling. She would strike first then ask questions. I knew these things were wrong, but what was right? I had no idea. But I was willing to learn.

I don't know you or your wife, and your dynamics... but for me when hubby won't engage with the kids, it leave me with all the heavy. And too much heavy, I am not strong enough to carry. I would read and try to help him understand, but he just wouldn't engage and when he did, he was hotheaded. More because he was frustrated at me for making him do something.

For example. Our teen/adult son has one job around the house. Thats MY rule. My husband agrees he's should have responsibility here, that its good for him, but he would never give him some. Ever! Fine, whatever. So I give him a job. Now, its up to me to make sure it gets done. Make him when he doesn't want to do it. Its exhausting! It would be easier to just fo the job myself. But its not about the job, its about teaching him responsibility. I want my husband to also see this reality. Add rude back talk from our son, he can be down right nasty! And sometimes I lose it a bit. I use to yell, I really dont anymore. It takes a lot to push me to the point I raise my voice. I'm so tired of hearing that I am everyones problem! We have some pretty out of control people in this family. I'm either bat **** crazy (which I am not taking that off the table yet) or my husband has really taught our kids some bad behaviors.

I get that you dont want crush souls. Kids go through lot. They are their own worst enemies. They dont need the people that love them the most to be on their backs for each and every mistake, yelling is the quickest way to make someone feel like crap about themselves! Again, I dont know you and I may be barking up the wrong tree here. But you dont have to yell to stand beside your wife. I would have loved if my husband would have just taken a stand with the kids. "You mom has asked several times for you to hang up your coat and clean the mess you made in the kitchen. I value your moms time, and so should you. Had you just forgotten and when reminded kindly accepted the reminder, nothing more would have been done. But since you chose to get mouthy, make excuses and basically waste my wife's time, you can make that time up by cleaning ALL the kitchen after dinner tonight." Or something like that, anything!! Its the silence that has bothered me. The not doing. Then I am left with a raging child. Its another day in our home of dissention and if I snap I am the bad guy.
We are a team. Its not about me, its about raising our kids the best way for them!

I think my husband is a slob, and I would probably not care as much if he also had the horny part! haha, but true! I start to notice all those little things and they bug the crap out of me, when its all I have to focus on! I am frustrated most days. Kids ignoring me, husband ignoring me, more cat poop to clean! Another dinner to make! And at the end of the day, I get a "good night babe" with a kiss, and tomorrow is on repeat. It was and is exhausting. We only have one child at home right now, there is no excuse for a lack of intimacy. I know when I would get triturated, yell, etc it was a big sexual downer. But so is a husband who lives in the home and is too passive leaving the hard work to me. (that is NOT a poke at you. I don't know you, I am simply explaining my side)

I know I like to be in control. I am most likely not as great at balancing as I think I am. I am huge believer of self motivation and I have worked on me since I found out I was pregnant with our 1st child. Before that really, but that is when it really kicked in.
Its been loooooong road and I am far from where I need to be.

As for me, and I have read on this a bit... most women like me who want control, like to be controlled in the bedroom. I dont want tell you to do anything that would freak your wife out.
There was one night, I have no freaking clue who my husband was channelling... but it was hot and amazing. He just took control. Moved me around as he wanted me. Just did thinks that wasn't our normal. he seemed to be into me like he had never been before. I told him afterwards how hot and amazing it was, He seemed so happy that I was so happy. But never did anything like that again. I personally want control. I even talked to him after that, about how I want him to have control in the bedroom. I sat him down, told him how amazing that was. I told him that I know I can be a bit of a control freak, but when it comes to the bedroom, its his room. I will comply with anything he wants. And I meant it, but ....nothing.

We don't have balance. Sadly. I have my side of the story and he has his. His favorite phrases "dear, we are at an impasse" I hate that damn phrase!

If you ask my husband I am extremely OCD, I am a neat freak and I over react.
If you ask me, I struggle with those things but because he is so far on the other side, I look over the top.

This may be too much on here... and I would never be able to say this to someone I know... but once he was frustrated and said I make him feel bad when I try to be in control. Usually I will come up with situations where I wanted him to take lead and he just sat there, But instead said "well, then spank me!" He laughed and said "oh ya!" but... again, nothing.
I don't know how many talks or hints I can toss out there.

So ya, I am a lot like your wife, but yet I am not.
I want him to explore.

One of the sexiest things is when he would engage with me as a father figure to his kids. No yelling heeded. Just be firm and let them know who is boss. Honestly, its hard for me to respect him when he cant parent his own kids. Lives me to it, then gripes because I yell or Im exhausted. And they way these kids have talked to me and treated me? Shameful! Any parent/person would yell!

I have so may thoughts on this, because a lot of what you and @aaarghdub said resonated deep with me. I seem to be an add mix of things, I have issues, I tend to like things "the right way" when it comes to organized and clean. But I feel I have also grown enough to know when to apply balance. Im sure if I saw myself though my husbands eyes, I would see things differently.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
This is what survivors of abuse or trauma want... control. They lost it as part of the trauma and wish to retain every possible defense to guard against vulnerability. I’m just like you... laid back... not wrapped up having my way. But here’s the construct I find myself in...

Due to my wife’s family-of-origin issues and string of various traumas, her comfort zone is the size of a baseball where mine is the size of one of those huge workout (Swiss) balls you see at the gym. Most of the things I want/need/desire/deal with reside outside her baseball (road biking, germs, sex talk) so I am confined to the baseball. While at the same time, she enjoys that I freely and lovingly operate outside the baseball but inside the Swiss Ball. If she can’t or doesn’t know how to do something, she just has to ask; regardless of how dirty, time consuming, technical. She’s spoiled by the fact that I’ll just figure it out and make it happen with her doing very little. Change the brakes and rotors... sure. Replumb, expand and install a new shower enclosure sure. Install new floors... sure. Always know where I’m going.. yep. Does it matter if I have ever done anything like that before... no... I have to teach myself. You get the idea. Now I can in NO WAY drop anything complicated on her and just tell her to figure out it. Due to such low self-esteem, the cost of embarrassment or failure is soooo great she’d rather pawn it off or drop it. Most “us” projects end up being “me” projects. She shows up for the shopping and at the most any painting. Other than that she tells me “have fun.” If she wanted a new light fixture I said hmm “have fun installing it” it would sit in the box in the garage indefinitely. She would not choose to teach herself how to do it. And she justifies this because “I like to do these things” so it’s really not an imposition or “that’s a guy thing.”

Now as for me, I can’t even ask for the basics like seduce me, wear something flattering, show some confidence, embrace your sexiness, take constructive criticism, love me how I need to be loved or even run to Home Depot and get me insert tool/part here. She is scared of looking like a fool so she puts up a wall.

Taking it every further, fighting/conflict means divorce which is what she grew up so she’s put in the minimum (within the baseball) to avoid the fight and maintain the high ground in a fight. Now when she does have to fight, her communication style is “win at all costs” in order to preserve the baseball.

My point is that, like you, your wife’s comfort zone is so small and she relies on you to do everything outside of hers. It’s sucks because you will never, ever get what you need because that means leaving the baseball. Our MC told me it is a form of emotional abuse in that they will use shame or other defense mechanisms to invalidate your needs to prevent operating outside said baseball. This is part and parcel of an avoidant attachment style or avoidance personality disorder which I’m sure my wife has. Will my wife make love to me... nope... but she can damn sure get off in about 2 minutes and move on to something else less vulnerable. She can minimize the vulnerability while gaining the ability to say “we have a great sex life.” She says its very emotional and not about getting off but her body language says otherwise.

Sorry to say but without any buy-in from your wife you are slowly drifting apart. I know we are. And it’s her choice because instead of her growing her comfort zone you choose to operate less and less in hers in order to preserve the “ability to breathe” in life. My wife has big dreams for retirement, big house, vacation home, travel, lots of grandkids. Guess what... who’s doing the work and providing the financial capital to make this happen.... you guessed it. She says we need to start planning. I plan to flat our tell I have no interest in planning the future as we’re living it now. Only difference will be more gray hair, wrinkles, more money, no grandkids to focus on and still the same emotional distancing.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I have re-read your comment a few times. I feel like this is me and my husband, but with differences.

I was raised in an abusive home, which gave me some major issues with confidence and the need to control. Over the years I have overcome many of these areas, but as always, there is lingering effects that still need weeded out.

I use to live in that baseball, but as I expand to the Swiss ball, (not there yet!!) I can see how much my hubby lives within the baseball.
Just in a different way.

I'm pretty back and white. You usually know where you stand with me. I am kind about it, but life too short for games.

I just love the analogy of the baseball and yoga ball! I think it describes us so well. You have also given me some new thought about my relationship.
My husbands mom yelled a lot and they got a divorce too. I think his dad sat pretty silentt though it all, until he blew. I know a lot of my husbands issues are learned behavior, from his dad.
Early on in our marriage I was happy with the low sex drive he had, but it set a precedence. He is a creature of habit.
Also,I think thats why he doesn't engage with much of anything. To him if there is yelling or upset, you just ignore things until everyones happy again. Which is probable why he doesn't understand when I am still upset! lol I didn't move on, like scripted.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
491 Posts
Discussion Starter #43
I have thought a lot about this tread, because it hit home in many ways.
I was sexually abused by my dad and brother. Both parents were emotionally and physically abusive. Food was optional for my sister and myself. It wasn't a good life and I know it created a hole lot of issues within me!! One thing I am is, stubborn. I guess I have used that to MY benefit, when it comes to self awareness and healing.

I began to have panic attacks when our oldest was a year old. Something about having a child really triggered things. I was scared to death all the time. I think deep down I was so scared to make the same mistakes as my parents, yet I knew I could never be that person.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I read about everything I could get my hands on. I wanted to be a great mom. My moms only voice was yelling. She would strike first then ask questions. I knew these things were wrong, but what was right? I had no idea. But I was willing to learn.

I don't know you or your wife, and your dynamics... but for me when hubby won't engage with the kids, it leave me with all the heavy. And too much heavy, I am not strong enough to carry. I would read and try to help him understand, but he just wouldn't engage and when he did, he was hotheaded. More because he was frustrated at me for making him do something.

For example. Our teen/adult son has one job around the house. Thats MY rule. My husband agrees he's should have responsibility here, that its good for him, but he would never give him some. Ever! Fine, whatever. So I give him a job. Now, its up to me to make sure it gets done. Make him when he doesn't want to do it. Its exhausting! It would be easier to just fo the job myself. But its not about the job, its about teaching him responsibility. I want my husband to also see this reality. Add rude back talk from our son, he can be down right nasty! And sometimes I lose it a bit. I use to yell, I really dont anymore. It takes a lot to push me to the point I raise my voice. I'm so tired of hearing that I am everyones problem! We have some pretty out of control people in this family. I'm either bat **** crazy (which I am not taking that off the table yet) or my husband has really taught our kids some bad behaviors.

I get that you dont want crush souls. Kids go through lot. They are their own worst enemies. They dont need the people that love them the most to be on their backs for each and every mistake, yelling is the quickest way to make someone feel like crap about themselves! Again, I dont know you and I may be barking up the wrong tree here. But you dont have to yell to stand beside your wife. I would have loved if my husband would have just taken a stand with the kids. "You mom has asked several times for you to hang up your coat and clean the mess you made in the kitchen. I value your moms time, and so should you. Had you just forgotten and when reminded kindly accepted the reminder, nothing more would have been done. But since you chose to get mouthy, make excuses and basically waste my wife's time, you can make that time up by cleaning ALL the kitchen after dinner tonight." Or something like that, anything!! Its the silence that has bothered me. The not doing. Then I am left with a raging child. Its another day in our home of dissention and if I snap I am the bad guy.
We are a team. Its not about me, its about raising our kids the best way for them!

I think my husband is a slob, and I would probably not care as much if he also had the horny part! haha, but true! I start to notice all those little things and they bug the crap out of me, when its all I have to focus on! I am frustrated most days. Kids ignoring me, husband ignoring me, more cat poop to clean! Another dinner to make! And at the end of the day, I get a "good night babe" with a kiss, and tomorrow is on repeat. It was and is exhausting. We only have one child at home right now, there is no excuse for a lack of intimacy. I know when I would get triturated, yell, etc it was a big sexual downer. But so is a husband who lives in the home and is too passive leaving the hard work to me. (that is NOT a poke at you. I don't know you, I am simply explaining my side)

I know I like to be in control. I am most likely not as great at balancing as I think I am. I am huge believer of self motivation and I have worked on me since I found out I was pregnant with our 1st child. Before that really, but that is when it really kicked in.
Its been loooooong road and I am far from where I need to be.

As for me, and I have read on this a bit... most women like me who want control, like to be controlled in the bedroom. I dont want tell you to do anything that would freak your wife out.
There was one night, I have no freaking clue who my husband was channelling... but it was hot and amazing. He just took control. Moved me around as he wanted me. Just did thinks that wasn't our normal. he seemed to be into me like he had never been before. I told him afterwards how hot and amazing it was, He seemed so happy that I was so happy. But never did anything like that again. I personally want control. I even talked to him after that, about how I want him to have control in the bedroom. I sat him down, told him how amazing that was. I told him that I know I can be a bit of a control freak, but when it comes to the bedroom, its his room. I will comply with anything he wants. And I meant it, but ....nothing.

We don't have balance. Sadly. I have my side of the story and he has his. His favorite phrases "dear, we are at an impasse" I hate that damn phrase!

If you ask my husband I am extremely OCD, I am a neat freak and I over react.
If you ask me, I struggle with those things but because he is so far on the other side, I look over the top.

This may be too much on here... and I would never be able to say this to someone I know... but once he was frustrated and said I make him feel bad when I try to be in control. Usually I will come up with situations where I wanted him to take lead and he just sat there, But instead said "well, then spank me!" He laughed and said "oh ya!" but... again, nothing.
I don't know how many talks or hints I can toss out there.

So ya, I am a lot like your wife, but yet I am not.
I want him to explore.

One of the sexiest things is when he would engage with me as a father figure to his kids. No yelling heeded. Just be firm and let them know who is boss. Honestly, its hard for me to respect him when he cant parent his own kids. Lives me to it, then gripes because I yell or Im exhausted. And they way these kids have talked to me and treated me? Shameful! Any parent/person would yell!

I have so may thoughts on this, because a lot of what you and @aaarghdub said resonated deep with me. I seem to be an add mix of things, I have issues, I tend to like things "the right way" when it comes to organized and clean. But I feel I have also grown enough to know when to apply balance. Im sure if I saw myself though my husbands eyes, I would see things differently.
Wow, thank you for the perspective. First, you should be VERY proud for breaking the cycle of abuse and you have a great head on your shoulders. It takes an extremely strong person to be where you are today.

I took away three main things from what you shared:
  • I need to spend a lot of time figuring out how to be more supportive of my wife with a balance of fair discipline with my kids. She really does take on 95% of that responsibility and I am sure it is exhausting. I specifically started spending less time at work to focus more energy on my family. I need to follow through. I will probably need help figuring that out.
  • You did an amazing job healing from your past. I am still not sure if my wife's past weighs on her, but she is strong too. Maybe they is not the main contributing factor to our unadventurous sex life and her seemingly low libido. It is likely both of us contributing equally.
  • There is very likely sexual desire that can be unlocked with my wife. I do feel that I need to take more chances. I see myself as such a risk taker but I struggle to make it happen when the opportunity is there. In my mind I only see her as someone who needs to be in control, was abused once as a child, and has a low drive. Me taking control in the bedroom just does not compute. These things are deep in the subconscious though. Maybe you have some suggestions 😂.
On the last point, I know she likes reading about the controlling, obsessive lover. She liked twilight, fifty shades (based on Twilight fanfic), and other similar story lines. I had brought up how I would find role play like that very sexy but her response is that she only finds it sexy in her mind, not in real life. Strange.

As for you and your hubby, you seem to be trying all the right things. Have you seen a marriage counselor? Have you tried writing down specific goals and tracking written progress? Something like:

  • Date night once a week
  • Week one - hug/cuddle for 10 minutes without interruption.
  • Week two - make out twice for more than a minute.
  • Week three - you both get to ask for some form of foreplay. You can even agree with what is on/off the table in advance.
  • Etc
If anyone is not able to achieve the goal, the other partner gets a "favor" of their choosing 😂.

The point is you both agree to something comfortable and you do your best to stick to it. You monitor progress and revisit the goals once a week. As I am writing this, I may try to do this with my wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
128 Posts
If it's intimacy you want, maybe start out on the couch while watching a movie? No sex, do everything but that...sorry to sound perverted, it's not my intent, but maybe making out, boob play, oral sex on both parts..toys, dressing up a little, role play?...it might work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
If it's intimacy you want, maybe start out on the couch while watching a movie? No sex, do everything but that...sorry to sound perverted, it's not my intent, but maybe making out, boob play, oral sex on both parts..toys, dressing up a little, role play?...it might work.
Been there, done that. Thats how we got into watching tv... ONLY... each night! lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Wow, thank you for the perspective. First, you should be VERY proud for breaking the cycle of abuse and you have a great head on your shoulders. It takes an extremely strong person to be where you are today.

I took away three main things from what you shared:
  • I need to spend a lot of time figuring out how to be more supportive of my wife with a balance of fair discipline with my kids. She really does take on 95% of that responsibility and I am sure it is exhausting. I specifically started spending less time at work to focus more energy on my family. I need to follow through. I will probably need help figuring that out.
  • You did an amazing job healing from your past. I am still not sure if my wife's past weighs on her, but she is strong too. Maybe they is not the main contributing factor to our unadventurous sex life and her seemingly low libido. It is likely both of us contributing equally.
  • There is very likely sexual desire that can be unlocked with my wife. I do feel that I need to take more chances. I see myself as such a risk taker but I struggle to make it happen when the opportunity is there. In my mind I only see her as someone who needs to be in control, was abused once as a child, and has a low drive. Me taking control in the bedroom just does not compute. These things are deep in the subconscious though. Maybe you have some suggestions 😂.
On the last point, I know she likes reading about the controlling, obsessive lover. She liked twilight, fifty shades (based on Twilight fanfic), and other similar story lines. I had brought up how I would find role play like that very sexy but her response is that she only finds it sexy in her mind, not in real life. Strange.

As for you and your hubby, you seem to be trying all the right things. Have you seen a marriage counselor? Have you tried writing down specific goals and tracking written progress? Something like:

  • Date night once a week
  • Week one - hug/cuddle for 10 minutes without interruption.
  • Week two - make out twice for more than a minute.
  • Week three - you both get to ask for some form of foreplay. You can even agree with what is on/off the table in advance.
  • Etc
If anyone is not able to achieve the goal, the other partner gets a "favor" of their choosing 😂.

The point is you both agree to something comfortable and you do your best to stick to it. You monitor progress and revisit the goals once a week. As I am writing this, I may try to do this with my wife.
Well, thank you... but I feel I am still so far away from who I want to be!! I'm a mess in many ways! I know the issues I have with my husband, but I also am very aware of my own personal issues!! And Im sure there are things I dont see :)

I think we all walk away from abuse differently than the next person. It can be the same abuse, even in the same home. Its hard to find a key to unlock something when the hurt person has such unique key. Keep trying. This is an area I wish my husband would be better at. Its not that he isn't understanding, but I wish he "knew" me better. Studied me. Desired me in a deep way. Again, maybe I am TOO needy in this area?

I can only suggest my own, desires, I don't know if that would work for your wife. Or scare her. I would say if she's reading and watching things about a lovers control, she's want that. She just may not know it yet, or too scared or embarrassed to try.
Maybe let her know that if you guys try something, and she doesn't like it for any reason, its off the table unless she brings it up. I was shocked how fast I changed in that area. I went from "only missionary is fine" (not that he tried anything else) to... not that. So my desires changed, my need for passion changed, my wanting to connect at a deeper level changed.. and he stayed the same.

I know my husband has said almost the same thing "Me taking control in the bedroom just does not compute." I think he was concerned I would grade him or something! lol Which I have never done! BUT to be fair, I have snapped when he doesn't clean up after himself, and he felt he did. (an example of a life together, I need this or that does better and he feels he did a great job, I see it as sloppy and needs more attention, then he feels he fails) I am not a mean person. I will talk with him, and let him know what I feel is needed and why, I can be demanding. I know I can be, I also know where it stems from and Im trying to fix it. But he also has issues, but on the flip side. He doesn't see messes and it drives me crazy! He needs to understand I'm not a maid, but am willing to wear the outfit ;) But this is what he is saying to me and even the kids when he leaves messes for me. That I'm a glorified maid.

I think I have just changed, and he's still where he is and always has been. The last decade I have changed and my desire has risen, and his desires has decreased.

I like your goal setting, and I am going to try it. Maybe when I suggested twice a week to spend intimate time together, and I explained what I thought that was, asking for his input as well... maybe he literally needs a play list. He really does have ADD tendencies! I think I will write out what to do. It will feel like a check list for me, a chore... but if it helps my husband to figure out who to be, what I need and can see Im not going to grade him? Maybe it will help?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,575 Posts
This may or may not help but here goes.

I just got the book Passionate Marriage, recommended by many here on TAM.

And very openly ordered from Amazon, showed DW, told her you know I'm always studying the human condition, there may be some tidbits I can add to my (albeit already well stocked tool belt with starting and executing sexy time with good times had by all every time) as a disclaimer.

And she knows, we're of the 5 to 7 times a week intimate encounters anyway. So we're starting from great, but I know there's always room to get better and variety.

Back to your post. As soon as I started to read, dog ear a few sections I noticed she's reading it too.

And over the last week things have been of more deeper connections and positions suggested by her, so this is a good thing.

The book may be a help to your situation, or not, but it's an idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
LOL! Maybe something to raise the libido then...
I defuse oils, the ones that is suppose to arouse. He takes supplements thats suppose to increases his drive. Knowing this man, I think he just needs to work the program and get things flowing, literally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
This may or may not help but here goes.

I just got the book Passionate Marriage, recommended by many here on TAM.

And very openly ordered from Amazon, showed DW, told her you know I'm always studying the human condition, there may be some tidbits I can add to my (albeit already well stocked tool belt with starting and executing sexy time with good times had by all every time) as a disclaimer.

And she knows, we're of the 5 to 7 times a week intimate encounters anyway. So we're starting from great, but I know there's always room to get better and variety.

Back to your post. As soon as I started to read, dog ear a few sections I noticed she's reading it too.

And over the last week things have been of more deeper connections and positions suggested by her, so this is a good thing.

The book may be a help to your situation, or not, but it's an idea.
I will look into this book. I have read a couple, couple sex books. So far he has just shown interest. But he says he doesn't time to read anything. Words I have heard our entire marriage "I dont have time to...." fill in the blank.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
"As for you and your hubby, you seem to be trying all the right things. Have you seen a marriage counselor? Have you tried writing down specific goals and tracking written progress? Something like:

  • Date night once a week
  • Week one - hug/cuddle for 10 minutes without interruption.
  • Week two - make out twice for more than a minute.
  • Week three - you both get to ask for some form of foreplay. You can even agree with what is on/off the table in advance.
  • Etc
If anyone is not able to achieve the goal, the other partner gets a "favor" of their choosing 😂."

I'm a list person. I like schedules and things laid out. I believe that because of this, when applied to our personal and sex life, it feels so sterile. Although I have tried, but not this deeply.
I know I already addressed this, but I keep coming back to it.

We have not been to a counselor, yet. He has just drug his feet.

I do like this list/journaling idea for some reason though. Its why I keep coming back to it, Maybe its just sheer hope? only time will tell.
My husband is a very, stuck in what he has been taught. No matter what is. If her learns something a certain way, its the way it is. Once he has a certain phone he has learned to use, he won't switch. Once he learns to do anything a certain way, its just he way it will be done forever.
He says he likes change and in some ways he does. But in ways involving HIM to walk in the change, he struggles. Bad! Melts and nothing changes.
Whereas me, I hate change. Period. I know I do. I will say I do. I understand I do, But life has changes. Its what it is, roll with it or be miserable.

You are probably reading my word vomiting and wondering...huh?? but what I am saying is, I have tried the to-do list, but maybe it was too much change at once.
We never, ever go on dates. I have made plans over the years, just to have them cancelled because a job didn't get done and needs to be done by Monday, or whatever the reason. We didn't have a honeymoon, we don't go on trips for anniversaries. I have over the years wanted this to change.

I like how you built on the weeks. I think I just jumped to "lets do this" mode. Maybe slowing it down is better for him. A little here and there till he gets use to "hey we do this connection thing once a week" now we can add this, next week that...
I like it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
491 Posts
Discussion Starter #52
"As for you and your hubby, you seem to be trying all the right things. Have you seen a marriage counselor? Have you tried writing down specific goals and tracking written progress? Something like:

  • Date night once a week
  • Week one - hug/cuddle for 10 minutes without interruption.
  • Week two - make out twice for more than a minute.
  • Week three - you both get to ask for some form of foreplay. You can even agree with what is on/off the table in advance.
  • Etc
If anyone is not able to achieve the goal, the other partner gets a "favor" of their choosing 😂."

I'm a list person. I like schedules and things laid out. I believe that because of this, when applied to our personal and sex life, it feels so sterile. Although I have tried, but not this deeply.
I know I already addressed this, but I keep coming back to it.

We have not been to a counselor, yet. He has just drug his feet.

I do like this list/journaling idea for some reason though. Its why I keep coming back to it, Maybe its just sheer hope? only time will tell.
My husband is a very, stuck in what he has been taught. No matter what is. If her learns something a certain way, its the way it is. Once he has a certain phone he has learned to use, he won't switch. Once he learns to do anything a certain way, its just he way it will be done forever.
He says he likes change and in some ways he does. But in ways involving HIM to walk in the change, he struggles. Bad! Melts and nothing changes.
Whereas me, I hate change. Period. I know I do. I will say I do. I understand I do, But life has changes. Its what it is, roll with it or be miserable.

You are probably reading my word vomiting and wondering...huh?? but what I am saying is, I have tried the to-do list, but maybe it was too much change at once.
We never, ever go on dates. I have made plans over the years, just to have them cancelled because a job didn't get done and needs to be done by Monday, or whatever the reason. We didn't have a honeymoon, we don't go on trips for anniversaries. I have over the years wanted this to change.

I like how you built on the weeks. I think I just jumped to "lets do this" mode. Maybe slowing it down is better for him. A little here and there till he gets use to "hey we do this connection thing once a week" now we can add this, next week that...
I like it!
Guys tend to think in lists/goals as well so he may be open to that approach. The idea is that you both agree on your mutual goals, commit to them and, most importantly, review progress frequently. The review can be fun and you can give each other "prizes" for reaching goals.

You mention you don't have dates, I would definitely start there. It can be anything fun. It does not need to lead to sex. The idea is you have a time set to be partners. Just the anticipation builds intimacy.

I am thinking it is time for our next sex talk. What approach do you ladies find works best? I know it is best to not surprise your partner, set a time outside of the bedroom and start of slow. I was thinking of talking about what our sexual interests are (you would think we would both know this by now). Maybe make a list of what is on and off the table? I am down for anything, as long as it does not cause permanent damage :). We used to be moderately adventurous we have settled into a predictable pattern.

Ideas?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Guys tend to think in lists/goals as well so he may be open to that approach. The idea is that you both agree on your mutual goals, commit to them and, most importantly, review progress frequently. The review can be fun and you can give each other "prizes" for reaching goals.

You mention you don't have dates, I would definitely start there. It can be anything fun. It does not need to lead to sex. The idea is you have a time set to be partners. Just the anticipation builds intimacy.

I am thinking it is time for our next sex talk. What approach do you ladies find works best? I know it is best to not surprise your partner, set a time outside of the bedroom and start of slow. I was thinking of talking about what our sexual interests are (you would think we would both know this by now). Maybe make a list of what is on and off the table? I am down for anything, as long as it does not cause permanent damage :). We used to be moderately adventurous we have settled into a predictable pattern.

Ideas?
He would like the prizes idea. Haha. But more like... ammo! But whatever works ;)
I’m a romantic. Meaning, I’m a cheap date.
If he took me to a walking trail and held my hand while taking about anything other than work, that’s good for me. I don’t even need sex!! Well... I wouldn’t fight him off, but I’m good with quality time!

As far as suggestions. What about just exploring senses? I’ve thought about this for my husband. He has a hard time connecting different senses. Sometimes it has caused issues. He not aware of how maybe “I” feel what he’s doing. If I react positive or negative, he just doesn’t seem to know. And given where we are. I tread carefully at saying things. Pick and choose my battles.
but I have thought about suggesting an evening, no sex required, It’s all about him... I would blind fold him and feed him foods. Different textures and temps. Rub different Items with temperatures and textures over his skin. Maybe as I’m doing other things like oral (if he wants).
He needs something to rewire that brain of his. I read somewhere that this is a good thing to do for people who struggle with knowing how to listen to their partners body language. Which for my husband, he’s legally deaf!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
491 Posts
Discussion Starter #54 (Edited)
You mentioned senses and my mind jumped to "medications" that heighten senses. Some of these are legal, some are not, depending on the state/country you live in. I always wonder how valuable some of these might be in monogamous relationships, even when tried once together. Some things increase your emotional connection, empathy, open your mind to new ideas and rewire your brain to interpret senses differently. It is not for everyone but just putting it all on the table.

For my wife and I, it is hard to get adventurous these days. It is summer time and our 4 boys are around the house constantly. We get a break every Friday and Saturday. Maybe I will suggest we make special plans for something different. Wifey hates surprises but does like anticipation.

One other question for the ladies, do you find that you want in real life the same things you fantasize about in what you read/watch?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
You mentioned senses and my mind jumped to "medications" that heighten senses. Some of these are legal, some are not, depending on the state/country you live in. I always wonder how valuable some of these might be in monogamous relationships, even when tried once together. Some things increase your emotional connection, empathy, open your mind to new ideas and rewire your brain to interpret senses differently. It is not for everyone but just putting it all on the table.

For my wife and I, it is hard to get adventurous these days. It is summer time and our 4 boys are around the house constantly. We get a break every Friday and Saturday. Maybe I will suggest we make special plans for something different. Wifey hates surprises but does like anticipation.
Neither of us are medication people, unless there no other choice. Then we will.
But looking for a natural solution is the first choice for us. With that said, and complete full disclosure, there is medicinal herbs that I take for anxiety and to help myself sleep and we have noticed on occasion when my husband has part took in certain herbal remedies, it did seem to rev him up a little. Only a couple of times. But we aren’t sure why JUST a couple of times it helped?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
491 Posts
Discussion Starter #56 (Edited)
Neither of us are medication people, unless there no other choice. Then we will.
But looking for a natural solution is the first choice for us. With that said, and complete full disclosure, there is medicinal herbs that I take for anxiety and to help myself sleep and we have noticed on occasion when my husband has part took in certain herbal remedies, it did seem to rev him up a little. Only a couple of times. But we aren’t sure why JUST a couple of times it helped?
I am talking about the herbal medicines you speak of 🌳:cool:, as well as it's cousin in the fungi world🍄. That is legal in a few places now (Denver, Oakland, Santa Cruz, etc). It I think both enhance intimacy in the relationship. With the 🌳 it is a delicate balance to between having your anxiety melting away (great for sex) and wanting to stay on the couch (not so great). I find myself the horniest when I am about a 3 or 4. Anything higher I am just too lazy and giggly. It works for silly sex where no one finishes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
I am talking about the herbal medicines you speak of 🌳:cool:, as well as it's cousin in the fungi world🍄. That is legal in a few places now (Denver, Oakland, Santa Cruz, etc). It I think both enhance intimacy in the relationship. With the 🌳 it is a delicate balance to between having your anxiety melting away (great for sex) and wanting to stay on the couch (not so great). I find myself the horniest when I am about a 3 or 4. Anything higher I am just too lazy and giggly. It works for silly sex where no one finishes.
Have you ever read on microdosing? Both. The fungi was amazing. I didn’t feel anything “medicated” but did the microdosing for 3 months.
Mind blowing the difference it made. My depression is WAY less. I just process better, period.
gosh I’m going to get kicked off of here the first week! Idk if this okay?!
The other I do instead of Xanax or something. I’m a very natural person wherever possible. I don’t like those side effects!!!
and I agree on the dosage! A little is good for this, more is good for that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
491 Posts
Discussion Starter #58
Have you ever read on microdosing? Both. The fungi was amazing. I didn’t feel anything “medicated” but did the microdosing for 3 months.
Mind blowing the difference it made. My depression is WAY less. I just process better, period.
gosh I’m going to get kicked off of here the first week! Idk if this okay?!
The other I do instead of Xanax or something. I’m a very natural person wherever possible. I don’t like those side effects!!!
and I agree on the dosage! A little is good for this, more is good for that.
Yes to both. Microdosing is the way to go, totally changes your outlook and mindset. I really think it is a miracle drug. If everyone did it a few times we would be in one world love fest. Your empathy and world view expands so much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Yes to both. Microdosing is the way to go, totally changes your outlook and mindset. I really think it is a miracle drug. If everyone did it a few times we would be in one world love fest. Your empathy and world view expands so much.
Agreed, 100%!
I know I have "worked on me" over the years, and maybe I did this at the right time? But I cant put into words the mental difference I felt. I still microdose herbal remedies!
Have you ever read the book, Healing with Medical Marijuana? Good book. Its most likely all you already know, but it has some great information.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
491 Posts
Discussion Starter #60
OK, I need to vent. You will recall the last argument my wife and I had as about me taking care of my special needs in the bathroom. She had a rule that I could only do it in the shower. We had a discussion to renegotiate as I think it is an unreasonable request. We agreed that as long as I did not make a mess, she would be OK with me doing it in the bathroom going forward. This was about a week ago.

For some background, I try to gauge my wife's mood and sync my alone time so it is not to close to our play time. Otherwise, it takes me too long to finish with her. I waited late last night just in case but we never had our closet time. This morning the urge was strong so I took care of business in the bathroom. My wife needed to use it as well and I let her know I was "busy". She lit up! I opened the door to let her know what I was doing and she blew up, yelled at me, called me a liar, and slammed the door in my face. I was in shock. Last week, I was very careful in making sure I was 100% clear on our agreement so there was no confusion. I reminded her of our agreement and she said that is not what she agreed and that I had coerced her in that discussion. I know for a fact that she said she was OK with it as long as I did not make a mess. I use a fleshlight (love it!) and everything is completely self contained so no way to make a mess.

We went off on each other, and I was ready to walk out of the house to blow off some steam. I stayed and we ended up talking each other down and making up. She admitted to over-reacting and said she is PMSing. That is probably true but she blows up like this more times than I can count. I apologized as well as I over-reacted as well and said she was being a b**ch. I think I have said that to her only once before. I reassured that despite the argument I think we are starting to get closer -- but geez that surprised me. I was so careful with this specific issue yet it still backfired on me. I fell like I need to walk on eggshells. I told her that there are literally 1000 decisions I make a day and have to think "what would wife do".

Anyway, we are good now but that was crazy!
 
41 - 60 of 68 Posts
Top