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Discussion Starter #1
Hi ladies ☺,
It has been a while since I posted. My wife and I have a great relationship. We have persevered through some tough times, with many sexless years. You all on this forum helped me through that and our relationship is now stronger.

I am looking for some feedback from the ladies on our routine. I am happy to report that we are having sex a lot more often (~2x a week). However, it is almost scripted how it plays out. Here is the formula every time:

  1. My wife always initiates (she likes it there way)
  2. It is in the same place: the closet with a towel underneath
  3. Always same position: Missionary
  4. She keeps her eyes closed
  5. We barely kiss (she does not like my makeout style anymore, or my breath smells like coffee, or I have not shaved in the last 12 hours). We never makout anymore.
  6. She does not want me to go down on her
  7. She will go down on me
  8. She NEVER has an orgasm with me. She has had a few orgasms with more than 45 min of toy play.
  9. She generally wants me to hurry up
  10. No foreplay if we are having sex
I do feel we boost our connection a little when we have sex but we are stuck with this routine. I guess I am looking for deeper intimacy and more excitement. I am still very attracted to her.

Some background:
  • Married 25 years
  • We are both 45
  • 4 boys ages 5 - 17
  • She is my first and only sex partner (other than oral with a few girlfriends before her)
  • We are a happy couple with little to complain about outside the bedroom
  • No marital infidelity that I am aware of. I did cheat on her once (oral) two months after we started dating and we were exclusive.
  • There was an instance of sexual abuse when she was a teenager
  • She has mild OCD which she is managing like a champ.
Thanks in advance for your input!

Hubby
 

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What kind of input do you want? I'm not understanding....

That endless and always routine wouldn't work for me, but it is obviously what your wife wants your sex life to be.
 

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Doesn't sound like it's really working for Hubby either.

  1. Always same position: Missionary
  2. She keeps her eyes closed
  3. We barely kiss (she does not like my makeout style anymore, or my breath smells like coffee, or I have not shaved in the last 12 hours). We never makout anymore.
  4. She does not want me to go down on her
  5. She will go down on me
  6. She NEVER has an orgasm with me. She has had a few orgasms with more than 45 min of toy play.
  7. She generally wants me to hurry up
  8. No foreplay if we are having sex
Looks like a good description of duty sex.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Hi Livve, my goal is ultimately to increase intimacy, engagement and excitement. I guess I am looking for advice on if I should just accept this as the way it is and move on or are there some verbal or non-verbal strategies to help her get out of her shell.

There were times she would dress up in sexy costumes and we would venture outside the norm but that was a long time ago.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Doesn't sound like it's really working for Hubby either.

  1. Always same position: Missionary
  2. She keeps her eyes closed
  3. We barely kiss (she does not like my makeout style anymore, or my breath smells like coffee, or I have not shaved in the last 12 hours). We never makout anymore.
  4. She does not want me to go down on her
  5. She will go down on me
  6. She NEVER has an orgasm with me. She has had a few orgasms with more than 45 min of toy play.
  7. She generally wants me to hurry up
  8. No foreplay if we are having sex
Looks like a good description of duty sex.
It does feel like she is just checking the box to get it done. I have to take some responsibility as I do not try to push her out of her comfort zone and we don't talk about sex much. I sometimes fell like I should just go for it to mix it up and see what happens. It seems action speeks louder than words in the sex department. Otherwise it comes across as nagging or being needy. Not a sexy look. Kids at home all the time does not help.
 

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It does feel like she is just checking the box to get it done. I have to take some responsibility as I do not try to push her out of her comfort zone and we don't talk about sex much. I sometimes fell like I should just go for it to mix it up and see what happens. It seems action speeks louder than words in the sex department. Otherwise it comes across as nagging or being needy. Not a sexy look. Kids at home all the time does not help.
4 boys ages 5 - 17 home all the time? No, I imagine it doesn't help much. Probably explains the closet though.
 

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Also, think back to all the old three stooges films you've seen. If you haven't seen any look them up on youtube and watch a few. Now, all those those slaps Mo dished out? That's what you deserve if you're not shaving and brushing your teeth for your wife. You think she wants your stubble dragging across her naughty bits?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Also, think back to all the old three stooges films you've seen. If you haven't seen any look them up on youtube and watch a few. Now, all those those slaps Mo dished out? That's what you deserve if you're not shaving and brushing your teeth for your wife. You think she wants your stubble dragging across her naughty bits?
This is something I can work on. I do brush my teeth and shave every day but I might try to time it better. She prefers sex after her work out which gives me time to get fresh before. Good idea.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Why the hell are you having sex on the closet floor... What's your wife's reasoning behind that?
A few things:
  • Kids are usually awake
  • Bed and sheets are too sweaty/hot
  • Bed gets fluids on it/dirty
  • She has OCD
  • She likes it dark (little self conscious)
  • Less shaking - especially since she has been getting vertigo lately
 

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A few things:
  • Kids are usually awake
  • Bed and sheets are too sweaty/hot
  • Bed gets fluids on it/dirty
  • She has OCD
  • She likes it dark (little self conscious)
  • Less shaking - especially since she has been getting vertigo lately
Well, some of the reasons still don't make sense. You could put a lock on the bedroom door... kid problem solved. You could get different sheets that aren't as hot and install a ceiling fan. The towel could be laid on the bed instead of the floor. You could turn off the bedroom lights and get blackout curtains. If the bed shakes or squeaks you could tighten it or the slats.

Regardless, if you want it to change you have to make it change. She clearly won't do it and has no need or desire to. You shouldn't "settle" for duty sex in the closet.

I'm biased but I have the feeling that the closet thing is more about shame and wanting to hide it, relating to the sexual assault. Most of her "reasons" don't make much sense.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
She also has an inverted uterus which can make sex painful if not in the right spot. I think that might be the big reason on the single position. That plus inability to orgasm could explain lack of desire.
 

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She also has an inverted uterus which can make sex painful if not in the right spot. I think that might be the big reason on the single position. That plus inability to orgasm could explain lack of desire.
I assume you mean a titled or retroverted uterus, not inverted (inside out). So, what's her excuse for never going on top? That shouldn't hurt her. Generally any positions that are face to face are good to go.
 

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That plus inability to orgasm could explain lack of desire.
She can orgasm, with enough time and a toy. Which tells me that the issue is that she can't relax with you or doesn't feel safe enough with you. Possibly going back to that sexual abuse.
 

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She also has an inverted uterus which can make sex painful if not in the right spot. I think that might be the big reason on the single position. That plus inability to orgasm could explain lack of desire.
Haaa sorry but you gave me a laugh today. Inverted is upside down!
 

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I think that to switch things up you definitely have to initiate. At least once when you think she will be open for sex. If it doesn’t work, then you tried and it’s not a big deal.

Have you ever tried joining her when she showers? Maybe not to have Intercourse right away, but for intimacy purposes.

Just to learn more about you guys... does she refuse when you initiate? How does she like you to initiate? She seems to like to give more than receive, so does she like a dominant man to tell her what to do? Has she ever liked to receive oral sex? What other positions were successful in the past?

Just off the top of my head, another position that she might like is her laying on the bed with half her body on the bed, and her legs either wrapped around you, or up on your shoulders as you stand next to the bed. I’m not sure if I am explaining this right, but let me know if you don’t know what I’m saying.
 

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I have a retroverted uterus and the only position I had to avoid was doggy but that has changed over the years as I aged. Things have shifted around inside apparently and doggy is now back on the menu. I’m 47. Maybe you can introduce the idea of at least trying? And her on top shouldn’t be a problem.

bobert has lots of good suggestions. These issues are all easily resolved.
 

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I would strongly encourage you to seek professional counseling if your wife is agreeable. You may also want to review books by Dr. John Gottman. My wife and my MC trainee under him and we each have read many of his books which we found very helpful. Check out the Gottman Institute
 
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