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Greetings everyone,

My W and I have been together for 17 years. I am curious if my 'issue' is particular to our relationship or occurs amongst other couples.

My W is the apple of my eye. She is pretty hot (to keep my explanation brief). I regurlarly receive compliments/flirtatious smiles from women. (Therefore I can assume I am @ least 'somewhat appealing' to other women). Based on conversations w/ friends/colleagues, I can conclude our sex life ranks in the above average category (anal, oral, toys and a dose of vanilla when circumstances dictate that crazy sex is not possible - kids, schedules etc...). As good as it gets, I find initiating 90% of the time. I find I struggle to get a kiss before she heads off to work (she leaves before I do) or when I get home. There is never a gratuitous pat on the a$$ or a you look hot comment. When it's well deserved, I never shy away from expressing my feelings towards her appearance. Am I being silly or insecure for wanting that show of affection outside the bedroom or should I just be happy considering that others have less?
Thanks in advance for your input.
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Is it just her regular personality? My wife - since I have dated her - has always had a distant personality. I am the initiator in most aspects of our lives (not just sex) and have to make the first move, if you will, in kissing goodbye and saying ILY.

I always drown her in compliments and genuinely mean them. But I break my ass on my personal appearance and do not receive reciprocation.

I, too, get the nice smiles from women in the street, etc. and know where you're coming from there.

I have come to the conclusion that some people are just more affectionate than others. It's usually the woman, but that's not always the case.
 

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She is more reserved emotionally/affectionately than I am. Is it the fact that 40 is a few weeks away that I am feeling this way? LOL I dunno...for some reason it seems to be more on my mind lately. I wish I had a scientific explanation to tell you why...but I don't.
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She is more reserved emotionally/affectionately than I am. Is it the fact that 40 is a few weeks away that I am feeling this way? LOL I dunno...for some reason it seems to be more on my mind lately. I wish I had a scientific explanation to tell you why...but I don't.
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:iagree:

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You put out in many ways. You would like or appreciate some reciprocation. Hardly a stunning revelation.

It sounds as if she is not a demonstrative or tactile personality which will almost certainly be due to omission during her upbringing. Have you ever discussed that?

It is a real hard condition to break, to be honest, anything that has happened during childhood especially if it was the norm, rather than being out of the blue.

However, personally I like to think that it is possible, if only she was willing to see that she is missing out on something, rather than just accepting that is the way she is.

The real dilemma is that to maybe even think of pushing her behavioural boundaries like that is going to be unsettling, scary even, anxiety-inducing, inducing a sense of vulnerability, with no knowledge of where it might lead her psychologically rather than be in the safe, protective 'place' she is in now.

I'm afraid you would have to be prepared to push it and push her and that might lead to alienation, resentment even, and that might be pushing yourself into areas where you might not want to go. It would require a level of finesse from you that would mean pushing her without her overtly realising she was being pushed. Coaxing rather than pushing.

I can only think to suggest that you might consider challenging her to push her own boundaries, the non-sexual, non-partnership ones to try to get her to see that what she might be afraid of achieving for herself is actually possible after all.
 

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"I have come to the conclusion that some people are just more affectionate than others. It's usually the woman, but that's not always the case. "

I'm not sure if that's usually the case. It appears to be the opposite from my own experience and from reading the comments on this forum.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
You put out in many ways. You would like or appreciate some reciprocation. Hardly a stunning revelation.

It sounds as if she is not a demonstrative or tactile personality which will almost certainly be due to omission during her upbringing. Have you ever discussed that?

It is a real hard condition to break, to be honest, anything that has happened during childhood especially if it was the norm, rather than being out of the blue.

However, personally I like to think that it is possible, if only she was willing to see that she is missing out on something, rather than just accepting that is the way she is.

The real dilemma is that to maybe even think of pushing her behavioural boundaries like that is going to be unsettling, scary even, anxiety-inducing, inducing a sense of vulnerability, with no knowledge of where it might lead her psychologically rather than be in the safe, protective 'place' she is in now.

I'm afraid you would have to be prepared to push it and push her and that might lead to alienation, resentment even, and that might be pushing yourself into areas where you might not want to go. It would require a level of finesse from you that would mean pushing her without her overtly realising she was being pushed. Coaxing rather than pushing.

I can only think to suggest that you might consider challenging her to push her own boundaries, the non-sexual, non-partnership ones to try to get her to see that what she might be afraid of achieving for herself is actually possible after all.
I must admit your assessment is nearly spot on. I grew up in a affectionately demonstrative home with a stable marriage as the core, hers was not (no need to elaborate and make this a novel). I will do my best to implement your recommendation/advice. Thanks for your honesty.
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Google "the five love languages." I can almost bet that physical touch is not one of hers. I Lao initiate almost all contact, but physical touch is high my list. My wife's are acts of service and words of affirmation.
 
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I must admit your assessment is nearly spot on. I grew up in a affectionately demonstrative home with a stable marriage as the core, hers was not (no need to elaborate and make this a novel). I will do my best to implement your recommendation/advice. Thanks for your honesty.
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Consider that by being more affectionate, you are smothering her a bit and in fact have trained her not to demonstrate affection. That is, sicne you do it all the time, she rarely gets a chance to initiate. If she needs it less than you do, your more frequent actions meet (and likely exceed) the level of affection that she needs. So she does not think to initiate. As time has gone on, it becomes an expected habit (much like taking out the garbage may be you expected chore to the point that she never even thinks about doing it).

So if you need her to initiate, consider backing off a bit yourself. Give her some space and time to be the one that initiates.
 
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