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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thanks to all for the inspiration on this site. Now my story...

Long stroy short I found out that my wife of 12 years had been having three affairs with neighbors and one with an old high school friend over the past year, at least that I know of.

Affair number 1 was trading nude cell pics since last Sept. with the single OM two houses down.

Affair number 2 was trading nude cell pics since last June with old high school friend connected with on Facebook

Affair number 3 was sending nude cell pics to next door neighbor and friend.

Affair number 4 was sending over 3000 texts a month to single OM two houses down for the past 6 months. She became pregnant with his child and aborted last week.

In addition I now also have herpes and HPV. I know these could have been dormant in both of us for years but given the track record I am not sure. I know that I have been a co-dependant for years and just started working on it in April. We had gone to counseling for a year and things were great last Jan 2010 and we stopped going. Life was great for 5 months.

Just found all of this out last Thursday and on Friday one of my best friends died and this morngin I found out that my grandmother, whom I loved dearly, passed away.

Just looking for inspiration and hugs right now to keep me from doing something I will regret. The bastard OM that chose to convince her to take an unborn life needs to pay and I hope that God will be his final judge but I really want to hurt him. She was my best friend for 13 years and I miss her dispite her choices.

Thanks to all
 

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saying I'm sorry for you feels somehow inadaquitte (like my spelling), but for what its worth... Sucks your here. Really. Sucks.

Do you have kids?
How did you find all of this out?
What does W say about these affairs?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
More details...

We have two children beautiful children together, 10 year old boy, and an eight year old girl, and her 16 year old step daughter had just moved in with us full time.

The OM that got her pregnant had been a problem in the past and was "just a good friend". Don't we all LOVE that expression. This is her third marriage (didn't know about the first until after we were married), same song and dance as everyone else, she stopped contact and then blamed me for having to contact him again for emotional support. She had ended the other two marriages by cheating.

Wow, as I write this I can't believe I still have feelings for this woman. If this was someone else's post I would be saying WTH? Unfortunately with the cloud of love and how good things were I am looking for the devil I know rather than the devil I don't.

This is my second marriage as my first ended with her cheating multiple times as well. No kids from that one. I know I ended up better but feel like two failed marriages = ???
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
More details on discovery...

I took over paying the bills in April and went to pay the cell phone bill. I went to print the bill and it was over 250 pages. Found all of the OM's numbers with txt and pics going to each. Confronted her and she said pics and txting weren't cheating. Through our counseling we had an agreement that cheating was defined as doing anything that you wouldn't do with your spouse standing right next to you (Dr. Phil's definition).

Found out about the PA when I found his cell phone in her car while I was looking for sun screen. I knew something was up with the abortion as I know her cycle like the back of my hand. She chalked it up to training for her marathons.

Oh - forgot to add that I came home from a business trip last July and found her making out with our female neighbor and that they had been trading nude pics. Also found out via her cell phone that she has had sex with her female BFF several times.

Damn - she is just not a good person...
 

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This is my second marriage as my first ended with her cheating multiple times as well. No kids from that one. I know I ended up better but feel like two failed marriages = ???
Take some time off from relationships. Really feel someone out before getting married. Did you see any red flags or know of her infidelities before you got married?

There is no need AT ALL to be in another relationship. Get a divorce and focus on your kids.



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I know you love her, but I also know she doesn't love you. If she did really love you then she wouldn't have done any of this to you. I'm not usually one to say whether or not someone should stay or leave their spouse, but you gotta get out of there. You don't deserve any of this.
 

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It appears that you jumped from the frying pan into the fire with this second marriage. Separate yourself from this woman. She is not worth another moment of your time.

You obviously love your children. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of them. They need you and you need them right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
@Jellybeans - thanks for the advice. Not looking for any relationships now as I wouldn't want someone who wants me in this state anyway. Just read your post on 10 Breakup Boundaries and wow! I know it has only been 5 days but I have broken every one. Thanks!

To others - your advice and responses are giving me hope. Everyone close to me obviously has biased opinions but as an outsider looking in there are no emotions, only facts, and the facts "ain't" good. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I feel a bit like Job right now, waiting for all of my crops to be destroyed... :) I lost a family, two best friends, and my grandma, all in 5 days.
 

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. Just read your post on 10 Breakup Boundaries and wow! I know it has only been 5 days but I have broken every one. Thanks!
STOP breaking the boundaries. Get some self-respect! If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will.

Have either of you seen lawyers or talked about divorce? What is the status of your marriage?

Oh and yes, you have been through a lot lately. Sorry for the loss of your family and friends. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.



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She's broken and you are not going to fix her.

IMO; Any attempt to do so is you not being able to face the truth and allowing your sickness (codependency) to make justifications for prolonging what is inevitable.

It's rare that I would ever say this but, In this situation, there is no valor or strength in attempting to save this marriage. It's simply weakness. You and your children deserve better than this.

I'm sorry if that candor stings and I mean no disrespect.

This marriage needs a toe tag and to be put under before it starts rotting and stinking any worse than it already does.

I'm really sad for you and sorry to have that opinion. But, it is what it is.
 

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HEy JB where are your 10 breakup boundaries?
Biggu - fisrt things first - protect yourself financially.. Empty all joint accounts. Kill all joint credit cards, internet accounts like amazon, etc. Anything she can charge against. If your joint on vehicle she drives, get your name off it. Call Equifax, Transunionand EXperien and put a fraud alert on your credit with a notice that no new credit is to be given to your wife as you are separating. This will prevent her from pulling loans or new lines of credit on your rating or using your name.

Your wife has a serious sense of self entitlement and might just decide to do all kinds of stupid things if you don't. You can always reverse these later. SHe needs sexaholics anonymus SAA. SHe has serious problems and needs a psychiatrist to go with SAA.

I tend to agree with everyone else here. You may love her or at least who you thought she was. SHe's not that person. You may want to consider finding someone who'll give you the real love you need.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks everyone! :) Guess I need to move over to the divorce forum for advice there. I like the toe tag analogy and thinking this probably doesn't need an autopsy at this point :) One of my most favorite recent quotes...

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” -- Admiral James Stockdale

How does everyone deal with the hate I feel for the OM? I truly want to see him pay although I did not take vows with him. He has been working this over the past three years and I feel as though he has won. Maybe "to the victor go the spoils" but damn it, it sucks!
 

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Hate for the OM... Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan..... I can feel you there !!!!
I will not go into the detail Ive had run through my mind, but in research I have had to accept that underwhelming statement that the best revenge is to "live well".
If their "relationship" proceeds, it is one based on mistrust, lies, and deception. I have often pictured my wife and her OM sittin on the couch together, each with their IPhones glued to their faces, secretly wondering who each other is texting....
 

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JB, I imagine it is very much the same feelings. Some men have a sense of "protector" long instilled within them, back from the caveman days, or perhaps just some grandpa who wore overalls, but this sense of protector being placed in the hands of the OM, for wife and kids, while BEING the subject of the destoyer of our family, is soooooooo freaking ($%$#[email protected]@#@#@)
well, you know..
Kids are the greatest gift a married couple can have.
Their interactions with us as their mommy and daddy are pure and in themselves like gifts from God.
Attempting to accept that the OM will get to benefit or share in those interactions and gifts, tucking my daughter into bed, playing games with her, hugs and kissies, you know just about kills me all over again. Kills me slowly.
Especially when HE is the enemy. It makes me want to tell my kid all about him and who he is and what he did to mommy and daddy. That way she doesnt get the impression that he is some "good guy" that makes mommy happy. FK that!!!
I havent reached that point yet though. I dont know if he ever will be that involved in my wifes future life.
A bit of shoepolish on his windshield wipers wouldnt hurt though.
 
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