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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi people,

This is my story, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

My wife (28) and I (38) have been together for 7 years and we got married on the 3rd of jan 2010. She was and still is the only woman I want in the world. Things were great, we had the typical arguments but nothing was so bad that we didn't love eachother and told eachother almost everyday either by saying it or in a text message. We bought our first home in feb 2011. A 4 bedroom house to start a family. I have 2 kids already from another relationship and during the time we bought our house things were tricky there as there mom had met a new guy who stayed 300 miles away and wanted to relocate and I was fighting a court battle for them to remain closer because my kids didn't want to be that far from family and there dad. I need to touch on the relationship between my kids and my wife. She never really took a lot to do with my kids in the whole 7 years. She was never bad to them (once when she was drunk she shouted at one of them because my daughter was watching tv and my wife wanted peace) but she never totally got involved with them. I do know her father from the start had a problem with me having kids and he made a point of telling her how difficult it might be for her but she didn't really listen to him. During the court battle my wife didn't contribute any money or really any support at the time.

Anyway, during the court action things were tough money wise. Me paying lawyers and us buying a house made money tight but we still had enough. Her job was very steady and a good pay. I am a self employed musician and I make a good wage but it can be inconsistent.

The court battle started to mellow out around the march. 4 months later in july 2011 her father died while hill walking. He fell off a cliff. It was devastating for everyone. My wife really took a low, the doctor started to give her anti depressants to cope. During that time I tried to be there and offer support. The way I remember it was I tried to talk to her, be there, listen but it always ended up me doing something wrong or saying something that would end up with her flying off the handle at me and me being the bad one. A lot of this I just took as I put it down to grief. There were a few times I was punched or thumped on the chest in anger but I took it and didn't react. (I've found out the night before our wedding her dad and her went out for dinner, during dinner she asked him to contribute to the service. In the service it said "tradition in a wedding is a father handing over a daughter but now a days things are not like that. (Her dads name) do you accept (my wife's name) choice of husband" all he had to say in the script was "yes I do". Well I found out the night before he refused to contribute and say that. What a [email protected] huh.)

So, our marriage was difficult after her dads death. Intimacy was gone (not by me I always wanted to be close with her), sex was very low (not by me I always wanted her) all these things I could understand due to the circumstances. My wife could see things were difficult so she asked me to step back so she could deal with her grief so we could avoid conflict. I agreed reluctantly because I wanted to help but I did so. I always was around, offering her tea as she worked. Tried to talk to her and keep close but she wasn't really interested.

She decided about 6 weeks after her dads death she wanted a baby. I tried to get her to slow down since it was so close to her dads death. She stopped taking her pill. I knew this and one time we had sex I pulled out before I came and she said to me "for god sakes Kevin man up" god I was so close to smacking her in the teeth after that. But of course I didn't. Am not a violent person especially to women.

In November one of her friends was asking how she was getting on. I explained things were difficult at the moment. The next thing I knew the following week her friend told my wife I was thinking about divorcing her. I said no such thing. My wife called me in a panic asking if that's what I was going to do, I told her no I loved her and I never said anything like that. She sent me a text saying. Kevin I love you and need you. Tell me what I have to do to make you love me again. I told Her i do love you. Tried to make her secure.

So we get through Christmas and we went to Egypt on our anniversary. We spoke about having kids again and I said yes I wanted that but we should hold off until things were steady. She didn't like this. Anyway that was January. March we spoke about going to Cuba on 2013 anniversary.

On the 17th of April my wife wrote this.

Well. An awful lot has happened since then. I don't even know where to start.

So I'll start now-dispite things on the surface being better with Kevin, I've realised over the past few weeks that this isn't really a marriage - its more like flat mates ....
-we don't share a bed.
-we don't spend time together.
-we don't do anything.
-our lives are seperate.
-we don't have mutual friends.
-we don't have sex.
-his smoking annoys me.
- my drinking annoys him.
- we don't share anything.
- we have nothing in common.

I don't know what to do. This can't be the rest of out lives. I don't think he can be happy either. But how can I bring it up?

He will:
1 get defensive, attack and blame me.
2 accuse me of cheating.
3 refuse to accept it.

It's not fair. I think we both deserve to be happier. But I don't know how to fix things.

Options:
1 ignore it.
2 suggest counselling.
3 suggest separation.

****.

We sat down to talk about our marriage problems (problems I knew we're there but I had to wait for her to want to talk about them, all of the things on that list I tried to talk to her about as they happened, over 2 years I tried to talk about stuff, she would just not want too). We sat down to talk about stuff. She got drunk and suggested I might be happier with someone else. I told her no. It's her I loved and wanted and I wanted things to be better than the last year which through unfortunate circumstances have effected our lives. Anyway she got drunk and nothing got sorted.

Here is a list of events that happened over the next few months.
14th April - my wife goes on a hen night.
17th April - she writes the above list in her journal,
20th April - am told the list,
27th April - we agree to talk and we both really want to try and fix things,
28th April - we sit down to talk. Lorna gets drunk.
28th may - Lorna mentions seriously divorce,
5th June - Lorna says its over can't try anymore or see a way to fix things.
9th june - Lorna heads off to rockness and pulls the hen night guy,
12th June - I ask Lorna to tell me if this is another guy. She says no,
17th June - find out about the guy she met on the hen night and rockness.

Since then I've been told all the classic lines "I love you but am not in love with you". All the blame has been put on me (but not at first, she was crying and said sorry for ruining our marriage). She's now rewriting history saying it was never right from the start. Basically she's really hitting me hard with classic infidelity quotes and blame. It's all my fault of course in her eyes.

That was 4 months ago. I still love her. I keep making excuses for her. I try and understand her grief and how that could be causing this. Am on the roller coaster. Am really messed up with it all.

Yous all seem pretty wise so I'd like to hear your thoughts.

She has no interest at all in reconciliation. She's happy now with her new guy she tells me. She denies this is an affair and says nothing psychical happened until she said she wanted a separation (now divorce). Of course by nothing psychical happening she means on my birthday at the rockness music festival 4 days after she said its over. And she thinks that's ok.

I think this is at the very least an EA into a PA. ever since meeting this guy she made a get out plan. Am so messed up right now. She hasn't been honest at all. Anything I know I've had to find out myself then once she's been caught she admits it. But it's not been the truth coming from her mouth.

Her affair is one thing. That can be dealt with (she doesn't wanna stop it though). It's the lies, deception, the hurt she's causing me. The way she BS me now, the way she blames me, the rewriting of history. It's killing me inside. Right now am so angry.

Give me the 2x4 treatment if yous think its best.

I've read divorce remedy, 5 love languages, no more mr nice guy and hold onto your nuts. There alright but I don't think things were that bad in my marriage. Infact I know we had a great life. It seems like the first hurdle we hit she jumped off the horse.

I guess the advice am looking for is how to make reconciliation happen if its possible. Am 100% committed to my wedding vows and am not gonna just throw it away. If there's a chance to fix this that's the direction I wanna go in.

To add also I moved out the marital home at the end of June and she's now selling our house.

Kevin.
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Hi people,

.....

She has no interest at all in reconciliation. She's happy now with her new guy she tells me. She denies this is an affair and says nothing psychical happened until she said she wanted a separation (now divorce). Of course by nothing psychical happening she means on my birthday at the rockness music festival 4 days after she said its over. And she thinks that's ok.

I think this is at the very least an EA into a PA. ever since meeting this guy she made a get out plan. Am so messed up right now. She hasn't been honest at all. Anything I know I've had to find out myself then once she's been caught she admits it. But it's not been the truth coming from her mouth.

Her affair is one thing. That can be dealt with (she doesn't wanna stop it though). It's the lies, deception, the hurt she's causing me. The way she BS me now, the way she blames me, the rewriting of history. It's killing me inside. Right now am so angry.

Give me the 2x4 treatment if yous think its best.

I've read divorce remedy, 5 love languages, no more mr nice guy and hold onto your nuts. There alright but I don't think things were that bad in my marriage. Infact I know we had a great life. It seems like the first hurdle we hit she jumped off the horse.

I guess the advice am looking for is how to make reconciliation happen if its possible. Am 100% committed to my wedding vows and am not gonna just throw it away. If there's a chance to fix this that's the direction I wanna go in.

To add also I moved out the marital home at the end of June and she's now selling our house.

Kevin.
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Sorry to hear this mate ( btw I am also a sempl musician and yeah it is bloody inconsistant!)

I know where you are with this. This is me 7 yrs ago and we did get back together and R but the truth for me anyway was that it then, despite all the promises, never lived up to the dreams. If I had only found a place like this website back then !? I'd have saved myself 7 yrs of heartbreak destruction and endless lying and cheating. But that is me that's not you - everybody's 'love' and scenario is slightly different.

Should you get it back it will absolutely never ever be the same as it was, even if you think it was great before (I did).
The main element has been ripped at the core and that is not love ( I spose it's part of it) but TRUST.
You will become a never ending detective, checking and verifying, which is okay if what you get from it is worth it and for some it definitely is.

It does sadly sound like she is gone my friend. It sounds like she was out quite a while ago. One things is for sure while she is actually with the OM she will not be coming out of her head, her 'fog' anytime soon.

I'd like to be optimistic for you but it does'nt look positive right now.

I do know how you feel though, the anger, the deceptions and especially if you know like I did that in my heart our marriage was a good one but I'm realizing quite quick it was only good for me, obviously not her who lied about how content and happy she was whilst carrying on being what we on her know as the classic 'cake eater' in infidelity circles

If you do get it back it will have to be a new 'marriage' with new boundaries and expectations and if you can get your head to that place then good luck to you

Chin up

( btw your a musician like me and although I found it hard to get into it initially it is gradually beginning to became important to me again pursuing new musical goals - so keep practicing!)
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Only yesterday (should have done it sooner) I emailed the OM to inform him that he has been seeing a married woman.

I don't think she's told him the truth. Left it a bit late though.
 

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If the other man is married or in a relationship, then expose the affair to his wife or girlfriend. It may also help to expose the affair to your wife's family (and ask them for help).
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I think the OM is single.

I've told everyone this is an affair. Some people have said to me "sorry to hear yous drifted apart" am not slow in telling them the truth.
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I don't know what to suggest, but I know you both have to want to reconcile before anything can happen. Doesn't sound like she wants it.

Sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
Yea she shows no interest in coming back to her marriage. She's being friendly enough I suppose. My gut instinct is her dads death changed everything. It's like his disapproval of me when he was alive didn't bother her. Now he's dead it's like she's made him the hero and is now starting to right some kind of wrong by acting on his disapproval of me.

Am probably clutching at straws with that trying to find logic in this. Ya know I think this is all my fault sometimes. Truly I know it's not. But all this does make ya doubt yourself.
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Discussion Starter #8
Ya know I think the lying and deception is an indication she knows its all wrong that leads me anyway to think she knows she's making a mistake. Stupid I know but it backs up my gut feeling that if she was to say " look its simple, am doin this guy, I like it, he's new funny and makes me laugh, for the last 2 months I've been texting him a lot and I now like him more than you so stuff this marriage am gonna go out and get my fill of enjoyment rather than do some hard work to fix this"

I could handle that and get closure.
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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Hi abra,

I can see what your indicating but trust me it never went down like that. For starters she knew from day 1 I had 2 kids and my ex could be a bit of a nightmare. We normally laughed it off and just done things with the kids.

The court battle lasted 2 and a half months. It wasn't over years this court stuff. The money side of it I paid for everything to do with the legal fees and still made sure I contributed my 50% towards living costs and mortgage payments. I tried my best to keep any emotional side of the court battle (always just to do with the well being of my kids, never any emotional content to do with my ex) away from our relationship.

The list of hers you mentioned I'll address them.
The not sharing a bed-her idea because of our different working hours and my snoring.
The no sex-totally her choice. I was always affectionate to her letting her know I wanted her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
The don't do anything and different friends-rubbish. I was always suggesting to go out. After her dad died she became a recluse. She enjoyed going out drinking with her friends. Am not a drinker (I did go out sometimes with them but my work didn't allow me to go out as much). She enjoyed a social life that was just her and he friends as it meant we weren't always together (people need there own time also I truly believe this).

As far as a family. It was the wrong reasons she wanted a baby. It was to replace her dads death with something (she has admitted that now).
It was also so she could get out her job she hated and get maternity pay. (Admitted by her also). So as far as the idea you have which I can understand I hope me explaining in more detail allows yous to see these are all just excuses she's trying to list to rationalise her affair. That's how I see it.
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Discussion Starter #13
I wouldn't suggest that cheaters consciously do this but it has help me understand the effects that lies and deception is having on me.
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Discussion Starter #15
Its a music festival on the banks of Loch Ness.

On the subject of music festivals. She went to Isle of Wight festival at the end of June. That weekend I cleared my stuff out the house. I thought for her coming back I'd run her a bath. Put candles in it. Cut a rose and put it in bathroom next to the bath. Tried to make it nice and romantic. Wrote her a song and put it in the DVD player in the bathroom. Anyway she went to the bath put on the song came down 2 minutes later and she said to me "what's with the guilt trip" Ohhhh that cut me hard.
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Well I adore Scottish accents but sometimes the way you write
makes it hard for people who are not in the UK to understand. When you say she pulled that guy, what does that mean?
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You might get more response in the coping with infidelity section. Also write things in standardized internationally understood English. Some people will just skip a post of they can't figure out what is going on.
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You know Kevin if you were still living in the home I would say pull out all the stops and go after her with guns blazing.

But since you have been out since June and the house is for sale I am going to say this.

Let her go. Let her be a drunk. Let her kill your marriage over her dead Dad.

Let her stay the cheater.

Why?

Because you deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

Why on earth would you want to be in love with someone that found it so easy to crap on you????

Move on and let her go.

There are better fish in the sea. Go ask Nessie!!

Hm64
 
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