Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 33 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
New here and looking for friends to talk to about separation. Married, 40 & in Ohio. Hoping to stay married. My wife needed a mental health break & has been staying in a different state since July. We are both having health issues and it’s hard not to have her by my side for the first time as I face surgery. She doesn’t seem interested in returning now that she is gone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,267 Posts
It’s one thing if someone is having real bad fights and both parties agree that they want to stay together but need a day or two to let the dust settle and to let the high emotions settle down so that cleared heads can prevail and they can address the issues in a more calm and rational manner.

But if someone is wanting to get away and wanting to separate and is using terms like “to see if I miss you” or “I need space” or “I need to find myself” etc efc

Most of the time that means they want some uninterrupted time with another person to get that relationship secured.

The more someone is apart, what often ends up happening is they start enjoying the freedom and building a life for themselves rather than “missing” the one they left.

If she’s been gone since July, that isn’t a mental health break. That is a new life.

I am sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,242 Posts
Hey, @Jer2020 - Could you give us more details? Although you say your wife needed a "mental health" break, could you elaborate on what led to that decision? Will you have anyone supporting you as you face surgery? FWIW I went through six months of chemo without my husband when we were separated. That was nine years ago. Sure, it was a little scary, but I came through fine without him. Has your wife been by your side through other challenges, or is she exhibiting a pattern?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
THanks for the reply
Hey, @Jer2020 - Could you give us more details? Although you say your wife needed a "mental health" break, could you elaborate on what led to that decision? Will you have anyone supporting you as you face surgery? FWIW I went through six months of chemo without my husband when we were separated. That was nine years ago. Sure, it was a little scary, but I came through fine without him. Has your wife been by your side through other challenges, or is she exhibiting a pattern?
Sorry you went thru that alone. Are you together now?

She had been having medical issues since around March. I started noticing her pulling away from me, less conversation and affection around that time also. Then I started working from home and noticed more things. She made a new friend in a different state, she says that she needed some peace and quiet to work on herself. I support self help and self care. We discussed her going to stay at her friends extra house, and I supported the trip hoping she would find peace. Since she has been out there though, there isn’t an end in sight for the trip, no future goals or discussion about returning home. She just says she’s cant give me answers right now that she just needs to work on herself and tells me to worry about myself. It’s a roller coaster though because she will still text me and show she cares and will say she loves me. I just feel like constant eggshells and not knowing what she is going to decide to do.

We’ve been together 6 years, married 4. Never fight, have always been by each other’s side. We have faced many obstacles, always been a team until now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yea we never
It’s one thing if someone is having real bad fights and both parties agree that they want to stay together but need a day or two to let the dust settle and to let the high emotions settle down so that cleared heads can prevail and they can address the issues in a more calm and rational manner.

But if someone is wanting to get away and wanting to separate and is using terms like “to see if I miss you” or “I need space” or “I need to find myself” etc efc

Most of the time that means they want some uninterrupted time with another person to get that relationship secured.

The more someone is apart, what often ends up happening is they start enjoying the freedom and building a life for themselves rather than “missing” the one they left.

If she’s been gone since July, that isn’t a mental health break. That is a new life.

I am sorry.
Yea we never fight. This trip started off with all focus on her mental health and needing support in having some quiet time. Now I’m the one having counseling and just feeling confused and lost on where her intentions are. She has never given me a reason to not trust her so all of these questions coming up are hard to navigate as what’s true or just my insecurities
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,242 Posts
Could you give some details as to her health issues? Do you think that is impacting her mental state? Is there any possibility someone else is in the picture; as in another man? The reason I ask, is so many spouses notice their partner suddenly needs space and time alone and the ultimately discover their is someone else.

As far as my cancer/chemo journey, I just had my yearly CBC and I'm healthy as a horse. Sadly, my husband was found dead in January 2015. Drank himself to death, and a maintenance man discovered him dead in the apartment. Apparently, he'd been dead for about three days. I separated from him several years prior because of his alcoholism.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Diana7

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,619 Posts
I think that you need to ask her straight out if or when she is coming back. Its been 4 months now, she must know what her intentions are by now. Keeping you in limbo is so cruel and mean. If she can't even be bothered to come back and support you through surgery, I think that says it all really. People think of all sorts of excuses to leave their spouses, a 'mental heath break' is a new one on me. Sadly I doubt she is coming back, she needs to finally be a decent human being and tell you what is actually going on.
I would also cut contact because that is just making it worse for you and keeping you on her string. Tell her that you dont see the point of having contact unless she is going to come back. What is she living on, presumably she has no job?.

Personally I would hire a PI to see what is actually going on. She started to be more distant after she met this 'friend'. Hmmm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I think that you need to ask her straight out if or when she is coming back. Keeping you in limbo is so cruel and mean. If she can't even be bothered to come back and support you through surgery, I think that says it all really. People think of all sorts of excuses to leave their spouses, a 'mental heath break' is a new one on me. Sadly I doubt she is comimg back.
I have tried. Every time I ask a direct question about the future plans, it is met with "I can't make any decisions right now" and then she shuts down. She just keeps saying she needs to focus on her self and her health. She is also possibly facing a hysterectomy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,619 Posts
I have tried. Every time I ask a direct question about the future plans, it is met with "I can't make any decisions right now" and then she shuts down. She just keeps saying she needs to focus on her self and her health. She is also possibly facing a hysterectomy.
I had a hysterectomy when I was a single parent of three, its a pretty common operation. Its no reason for her to have abandoned you. She has had 4 months, how long will you let her keep you in this horrible limbo? In your place I would cut off contact and give her a cut off point. Say I am not going to wait forever, if you havent come back by Christmas I will assume that you never will and that the marriage is over. I will then begin divorce proceedings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,242 Posts
Every time I ask a direct question about the future plans, it is met with "I can't make any decisions right now"
Then the ball is in your court. Make the decision for her. From what you are reporting, it sounds like your wife has basically abandoned you. Both of you have health issues, yet she's not supporting you in your time of need. There's a lot more to this than her "mental health" problem (whatever that means).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
How long I'm willing to be in limbo is a common discussion I have with my counselor. At this point, I really feel I shouldn't make a cutoff until she gets thru her own medical things and has some clarity. I'm trying to not make any harsh lines in the sand until we both heal some and then see where things are. I know I can make it thru my medical things alone, it is just an adjustment to not be with each other during these times. I never thought she would miss the burial of my gma either, but she has just missed so many things important in my life since she has been on this trip. I'm not sure what is left to salvage and what is finished.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,632 Posts
I had a hysterectomy when I was a single parent of three, its a pretty common operation. Its no reason for her to have abandoned you. She has had 4 months, how long will you let her keep you in this horrible limbo? In your place I would cut off contact and give her a cut off point. Say I am not going to wait forever, if you havent come back by Christmas I will assume that you never will and that the marriage is over. I will then begin divorce proceedings.
No use waiting till Christmas to decide.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Then the ball is in your court. Make the decision for her. From what you are reporting, it sounds like your wife has basically abandoned you. Both of you have health issues, yet she's not supporting you in your time of need. There's a lot more to this than her "mental health" problem (whatever that means).
I hear you. I really just feel like I shouldn't make any important changes or decisions until she is thru her medical issues also and has some clarity as to what she wants. I saw the state of mental health she was in before she left and it was not healthy at all. Maybe I am being a push over but I don't feel comfortable making a decision until she is in a better place mentally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,619 Posts
How long I'm willing to be in limbo is a common discussion I have with my counselor. At this point, I really feel I shouldn't make a cutoff until she gets thru her own medical things and has some clarity. I'm trying to not make any harsh lines in the sand until we both heal some and then see where things are. I know I can make it thru my medical things alone, it is just an adjustment to not be with each other during these times. I never thought she would miss the burial of my gma either, but she has just missed so many things important in my life since she has been on this trip. I'm not sure what is left to salvage and what is finished.
What medical issues does she have that mean she cant be with her husband? You mentioned a hysterectomy, anything else?

I cant help thinking something is going on that she isnt telling you, hence the PI suggestion. Her story isnt ringing true. What she had told you isnt ringing true. What does she need clarity on? What can she do there that she cant do with you? I think you may be being rather naive here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,242 Posts
Be prepared for a long wait. She hasn't budged a bit on even discussing when/if she'll return to you. Sounds more like foot-dragging to me. Is she in counseling?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Jer2020 and Diana7

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,619 Posts
I hear you. I really just feel like I shouldn't make any important changes or decisions until she is thru her medical issues also and has some clarity as to what she wants. I saw the state of mental health she was in before she left and it was not healthy at all. Maybe I am being a push over but I don't feel comfortable making a decision until she is in a better place mentally.
If her mental heath is that bad why isnt she in hospital? Why does she need to abandon her husband? Sadly I fear you will wait forever.
How about you go and see her for a couple of weeks so you can talk. Surprise her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
What medical issues does she have that mean she cant be with her husband? You mentioned a hysterectomy, anything else?

I cant help thinking something is going on that she isnt telling you, hence the PI suggestion. Her story isnt ringing true. What she had told you isnt ringing true. What does she need clarity on? What can she do there that she cant do with you? I think you may be being rather naive here.
We are two women, married 4 years, together 6. She has a lot of processing issues because she is autistic and our home environment is very noisy so she says the intention of the trip was to get some peace and quiet. She is an artist and works from home studio, so the idea with having a new quiet place was so she could start to be creative again. Especially since the virus and I transitioned to working from home. I feel like there are things that aren't being honest about also, I just am not sure if it is my insecurities or if there is more to the story. I don't have money for a PI.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Be prepared for a long wait. She hasn't budged a bit on even discussing when/if she'll return to you. Sounds more like foot-dragging to me. Is she in counseling?
I am in counseling, I have tried to encourage her to also go but she avoids saying they just push drugs. My personal experience has been helpful though and they have not pushed medicine, just offer support
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
If her mental heath is that bad why isnt she in hospital? Why does she need to abandon her husband? Sadly I fear you will wait forever.
How about you go and see her for a couple of weeks so you can talk. Surprise her.

We had a sit down discussion in July about her mental health and what benefits there would be to her being hospitalized. We just assumed she would be drugged there a lot, so we saw this getaway trip option as a better more healthier route. She would be at an empty house, quiet environment where she could start to be creative with her art again as well as taking care of her medical issues. So we talked about both options.
 
1 - 20 of 33 Posts
Top