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Looking for Advice!

1612 Views 30 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  D0nnivain, 
NewEnglandWife
I have been married for 7 years now. My husband is overall wonderful. Full of affection, sweet, attentive, and caring, however, about 2 years ago something happened that I have been unable to shake off. I was using his phone to contact a potential landlord of an apartment we were trying to get and saw he had a picture (not a sexual one) in his phone of a girl we knew in another state (we lived elsewhere for 3 years then moved back home). She was a college classmate and now does the same profession as him (in diff states) to they still talk casually about their jobs. As far as I know she never knew this and she has nothing to do with it. I'm almost positive. The fact he still talks to her feels very hurtful and he is aware of that. He thinks if he randomly stops talking to her it'll seem weird and technically she had nothing to do with the fact he finds her attractive. I can't get over feeling hurt though. It's clear he's attracted to her.
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@NewEnglandWife Trust what your gut is telling you. Like I said before, you are here for a reason and if you want to be able to sleep and eat normally, nip this in the bud. You need to find the extent of their communication and what they’re saying. DO NOT ask him because he’s going to trickle truth you to oblivion.

My hunch is that she is the one initiating her he communications and she’s doing so because she wants him as an orbiter. I don’t think anything emotional or physical has gone on yet. But you do need to find out where they stand, emotionally-speakng, and be ready to ask him to break it up if need be.
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NewEnglandWife
Reluctant Texan said:
I understand. the pic is a little weird.

FWIW, I have kept mementos of past relationships, innocently, and never had an urge to see the person again or cheat. Maybe he had something like that, or maybe just thinks she's pretty and likes the pic.

It sounds like you know her too. If you trust her or think she's okay, maybe you can relax a bit?

Like... sometimes you just know who's a threat and who's not, you know?
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Yea it wasn't so innocent. If it were a picture of both of them at school or whatever, sure.. but it was just of her. He obviously thinks she's pretty and it was in a more hidden folder of his phone so I know he's attracted to her. I don't know her anymore. I stopped talking to her years ago out of anger and just sad to find that. But I don't bug him about it. He's a good husband. Just a weird thing that upsets me every so often
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well, yeah, of course the pic was in a more hidden folder. no one keeps mementos of an ex out in the open.

I still wouldn't make too much of a deal about the pic by itself. other things... him lying about who he sees, him getting angry if you ask about it, him getting caught lying about where he was or what he was doing, of if he was talking to her... those are more concerning.
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TinyTbone
NewEnglandWife said:
Thank you for that. I never had an issue with her at all until I found that photo. Made me feel like there's something more and it's weirder because I know her. I feel that something was crossed at that moment as well. Thanks for validating my concern.
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I know the feeling personally. I found individual pics of a man I didn't know. I did inquire. It was of someone who had catfished her years ago. So why was it still there? She has shown a propensity for selfish behavior, even texting other men who I didn't know either. I let her know this in my purview of our marriage , that this is wrong. Violates our thrust bond. This will not happen again. Period. Of course she tried to minimize it, but I wasn't having it. I have found my voice now and will tolerate no boundaries being violated, however innocent it may seem. We discuss who we text with together and yeah or neigh what is or isn't acceptable and respect it. Marriage is special and should remain special
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H
From what you are saying, this does not seem to be about infidelity or trust, it is about RESPECT. The fact that you have raised this with him and he knows it upsets you but he continues to disregard your feelings is extremely disrespectful. It has you conflicted about your own feelings and actions and you are putting it all on to yourself whereas he is actually being the as*#ole.

You should not be feeling bad about this and I would shut it down pdq. I would tell him you feel disrespected and ask if you should tell her and her boyfriend about what is going on.

Not saying you should go nuclear about this, start thinking about divorce etc but I would start to think about his attitude if he doesn’t respond appropriately.
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She'sStillGotIt
...well, yeah, of course the pic was in a more hidden folder. no one keeps mementos of an ex out in the open.
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Where did the OP state that she's an "ex?"

At first, I mistakenly thought that they'd been friends before you met him and I was going to say "you knew they were friends going in." But rereading your post, I see you both met her around the same time living in another state, so it's NOT a matter of her being a longtime friend of his that he knew before you.

There's a reason your gut is screaming to you and that's because he has a hidden picture of her which means he sees her as a little more than a 'friend.' I mean come on, they're probably friends on some social media or another so it's not like he needs the picture because he doesn't want to forget what she looks like. I'm sure he can look at her social media to remember what she looks like, so there's no NEED for a picture in his phone. You're being naive.

Does he have pictures of his GUY friends hidden in folders in his phone? I'm betting the answer to that is "no." And this has been bugging you for TWO YEARS, so even you know something's up.

NewEnglandWife said:
He has always told me that flirtatious texting is cheating so I know they most likely talk about casual stuff...
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I think you're being incredibly naive, taking him at his word when he's got a picture of her hidden in his phone. Just because he SAYS this stuff doesn't mean he's not doing it. I mean, what guy is going to say to his wife, "flirtatious cheating is A-OK and I'm good with doing it and good with YOU doing it." Of course he's going to talk about what a choir boy he is - that's Husband #101.

Honestly? I believe you've only seen the tip of the iceberg with this guy. Being naive will get you nowhere, real quick.
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NewEnglandWife
@shesstillgotit "I mean come on, they're probably friends on some social media or another so it's not like he needs the picture because he doesn't want to forget what she looks like. I'm sure he can look at her social media to remember what she looks like, so there's no NEED for a picture in his phone. You're being naive."


That's exactly the part I don't get. It freaking kills me. I love having so much input from everyone, but it hasn't really helped me going forward. There's so much conflicting responses and some of my close friends think it was just a tiny crush and some dumb decisions were made, but doesn't mean anything is going on now. I'm just so confused if I want to bring it up. I have before and maybe I just need to approach it differently
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Reluctant Texan said:
their "profession" is tattoo artist?

hmmm... in my book, that's a little more concerning than like "attorney" or "doctor" where they could be honestly sharing professional advice. I suppose tattoo artists would share examples of their work, but really what else is involved but a needle and ink? not that complicated. But I have no tattoos... not my kinda thing.
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Generation gap.

For those of us over 50, tattoos were for sailors and prisoners.

To the kids today, tattoo artistry is an honorable profession.
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NewEnglandWife
oldshirt said:
Generation gap.

For those of us over 50, tattoos were for sailors and prisoners.

To the kids today, tattoo artistry is an honorable profession.
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awe I love that! He works very hard to get really good and him and this girl have very different tattoo techniques. I'm pretty sure she gave him the idea recently to try shading with gray instead of black. Stuff like that. He works hard to get better. I attached some recent work!

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NewEnglandWife said:
@shesstillgotit "I mean come on, they're probably friends on some social media or another so it's not like he needs the picture because he doesn't want to forget what she looks like. I'm sure he can look at her social media to remember what she looks like, so there's no NEED for a picture in his phone. You're being naive."


That's exactly the part I don't get. It freaking kills me. I love having so much input from everyone, but it hasn't really helped me going forward. There's so much conflicting responses and some of my close friends think it was just a tiny crush and some dumb decisions were made, but doesn't mean anything is going on now. I'm just so confused if I want to bring it up. I have before and maybe I just need to approach it differently
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It's best to expect the worst and then be positively surprised than expect the best and then get negatively surprised. It's called Game Theory.

If there's something going on (emotionally) between the two, if you go to him, he's going to minimize, trickle truth and gaslight you until you fall asleep. This is a leap into the unknown YOU have to take if you keep insisting on privacy.
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The photo thing coupled with his admission that he finds her attractive is the problem. Talking to opposite sex work colleagues about work & maybe the occasional current event is one thing. The minute a married person starts lusting for the opposite sex colleague out of respect for the marriage it's time to put a lot of distance in that friendship. Especially when the spouse is aware of the inappropriate connection / longing, no way. You are not nagging by asking for much stronger boundaries & way less interaction with this woman.

I work in a male dominated field & have a lot of work buddies I talk to about work. Heck I ran into one yesterday who I hadn't seen in 2 years -- yea Covid-- we hugged hello, caught up on each others lives for 5 minutes & then went our separate ways. In fact my 1st personal question to him was "how is your wife (I used her name)"? This professional friendship is not a danger to either of our marriages. I certainly don't have pictures of this guy.
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