[NewEnglandWife]

I have been married for 7 years now. My husband is overall wonderful. Full of affection, sweet, attentive, and caring, however, about 2 years ago something happened that I have been unable to shake off. I was using his phone to contact a potential landlord of an apartment we were trying to get and saw he had a picture (not a sexual one) in his phone of a girl we knew in another state (we lived elsewhere for 3 years then moved back home). She was a college classmate and now does the same profession as him (in diff states) to they still talk casually about their jobs. As far as I know she never knew this and she has nothing to do with it. I'm almost positive. The fact he still talks to her feels very hurtful and he is aware of that. He thinks if he randomly stops talking to her it'll seem weird and technically she had nothing to do with the fact he finds her attractive. I can't get over feeling hurt though. It's clear he's attracted to her.

 

[*Deidre*]

It may be nothing at all, just two friends catching up but the fact that he is more concerned with how it will look to her if he cuts contact, rather than your feelings being hurt by the continued contact, is the problem. If you’re an otherwise rational thinker and not jealous, he should stop contacting her. It’s not hard to put one’s marriage first. It’s only hard if you don’t want to.

 

[NewEnglandWife]

It may be nothing at all, just two friends catching up but the fact that he is more concerned with how it will look to her if he cuts contact, rather than your feelings being hurt by the continued contact, is the problem. If you’re an otherwise rational thinker and not jealous, he should stop contacting her. It’s not hard to put one’s marriage first. It’s only hard if you don’t want to.

thank you for that input! His response when I asked about the picture was he finds her attractive but that's it. So I am concerned with this continued friendship even though it's casual.

 

[*Deidre*]

thank you for that input! His response when I asked about the picture was he finds her attractive but that's it. So I am concerned with this continued friendship even though it's casual.

Not saying he'd think about having an affair, but this is how they all start. They don't happen overnight. It's interesting that he felt the need to tell you that he finds her attractive. Regardless of his ''reasons,'' the fact that you are unsettled by it, and he is more concerned with how it will look to his ''friend'' if he cuts off contact, would tell me that his priorities are a bit off.

It's not the end of the world, but it isn't ''nothing,'' either.

 

[Benbutton]

You are his wife and your feelings should matter first. I don't agree with these types of friendships whilst In a marriage, they cause problems and they aren't necessary. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

 

[BoSlander]

@NewEnglandWife YOU come first, not her or her feelings. If YOU ask him to break it up, he HAS to break it up, or else. Whether he wants to call Dr. Phil, the Chupacabra or Judge Judy to get that done is his riddle to solve.

He should’ve never had conversations with this lady behind your back. Wouldn’t be surprised if she was using him as an orbiter too. Do you know if she is the one who initiates contact?

 

[Mr.Married]

I’ll address the “find her attractive” bit but not sure how to respond on the “how it affects you” part.


My wife has a few long term friends from high school years. Back in the day and for a long time in there middle years both these girls were very attractive. We have been on beach vacations and many other outings together. Being around each of them and their husband(s) for so long I have quite an intimate level of knowledge of both. I’ve basically had to rescue both of them from bad marriages and provide them with husband type assistance while they were on there own. While I might have had a physical attraction for both of them in the past ….. it means absolutely ZERO. Good looking people are just that… and don’t need to represent anything else. Good looking people are a natural part of life. That has zero to do with my marriage or how I view my wife.

 

[NewEnglandWife]

@NewEnglandWife YOU come first, not her or her feelings. If YOU ask him to break it up, he HAS to break it up, or else. Whether he wants to call Dr. Phil, the Chupacabra or Judge Judy to get that done is his riddle to solve.

He should’ve never had conversations with this lady behind your back. Wouldn’t be surprised if she was using him as an orbiter too. Do you know if she is the one who initiates contact?

Yea, a small part of me feels like they may try if we ever divorced, but overall our marriage is really good. I try to be the kind of wife who actively practices privacy and trust so I don't ask for his phone. I don't know who usually initiates the texting or how often. He says they're just talking about tattoo stuff tho (work they both do).

 

[NewEnglandWife]

I’ll address the “find her attractive” bit but not sure how to respond on the “how it affects you” part.


My wife has a few long term friends from high school years. Back in the day and for a long time in there middle years both these girls were very attractive. We have been on beach vacations and many other outings together. Being around each of them and their husband(s) for so long I have quite an intimate level of knowledge of both. I’ve basically had to rescue both of them from bad marriages and provide them with husband type assistance while they were on there own. While I might have had a physical attraction for both of them in the past ….. it means absolutely ZERO. Good looking people are just that… and don’t need to represent anything else. Good looking people are a natural part of life. That has zero to do with my marriage or how I view my wife.

Thank you for this!! Because this is the other part of how I feel and that's why I don't nag him about it. I have no reason to think anything would happen. The girl has never known about this in return (as far as I know). I don't believe my husband would bring that up to her and we have talked about what behavior we each consider cheating. He has always told me that flirtatious texting is cheating so I know they most likely talk about casual stuff, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing that especially when he kept a picture of her in her phone hoping I wouldn't see it. This picture was NOT sexual (just her smiling) and that makes me feel like damn if we weren't married would you try??

 

[BoSlander]

He says they're just talking about tattoo stuff tho (work they both do).

^^ THIS is a euphemism, and it most likely means they are sharing more than talks about tattoos.

I know it goes against your beliefs but you ought to check his phone once in a while, randomly, without him knowing. And check the phone records to see when and where they usually speak.

It’s YOUR relationship. This isn’t the privacy olympics and you’re not the world record holder.

Believe me, if you let this fester, it will culminate in fights, sleepless nights and stomach-churning episodes the likes you’ve never had.

 

[Reluctant Texan]

Yea, a small part of me feels like they may try if we ever divorced, but overall our marriage is really good. I try to be the kind of wife who actively practices privacy and trust so I don't ask for his phone. I don't know who usually initiates the texting or how often. He says they're just talking about tattoo stuff tho (work they both do).

their "profession" is tattoo artist?

hmmm... in my book, that's a little more concerning than like "attorney" or "doctor" where they could be honestly sharing professional advice. I suppose tattoo artists would share examples of their work, but really what else is involved but a needle and ink? not that complicated. But I have no tattoos... not my kinda thing.

that being said... honestly is this the first and only time this has come up, or are you threatened by other women he's seen or interacts with? Because I've been on the flip side of this, with a jealous and insecure partner, and let me tell you, it's hell to have someone judging you, looking over your shoulder constantly, and asking for the sort of ironclad proof of fidelity that's impossible to give... especially when you are faithful and are not doing anything inappropriate.

I think in this case, you need to trust him and move on. I might be a little more suspicious of things, but I would keep those suspicions to myself, unless something gets more concerning.

 

[*Deidre*]

I can understand OP not wanting to 'nag' your husband, and I'd recommend not doing that. But, have your own boundaries. At the end of the day, you can only control what you will tolerate in your marriage. You can't control your husband, so if he does cross over into seeing her, having lunch, etc...and still tells you ''it's nothing,'' then, you have to start making decisions about what you'll accept. I'd just observe but keep your own boundaries solid.

 

[Diana7]

thank you for that input! His response when I asked about the picture was he finds her attractive but that's it. So I am concerned with this continued friendship even though it's casual.

All the more reason for him to get rid of the photo and stop communicating with her.

 

[BoSlander]

Because I've been on the flip side of this, with a jealous and insecure partner, and let me tell you, it's hell to have someone judging you, looking over your shoulder constantly, and asking for the sort of ironclad proof of fidelity that's impossible to give... especially when you are faithful and are not doing anything inappropriate.

I don’t think she’s asking for a fidelity certificate, @NewEnglandWife is merely trying to understand the gap between what she knows based on what her husband has been telling her his relation is like with the OW and what she has seen and read herself. The later denoting a degree of intimacy a tad higher than he has led her to believe.

As for your comment about insecure partners… let me tell you, I was the exact opposite of that for 25 years of my life. I let my ex go out with male friends and co-workers, let her go to another country by herself, GNO, etc. I never said a thing. Not because I was afraid that I was going to be called “old school” or immature or controlling, but because I put my full faith in that woman. Well, turns out I was a cuckhold. That I know of, in 30 years, she cheated on me with 4 “animals.” So when I hear someone say “controlling” or “insecure” I just chuckle.

What 30 years of marriage have taught me is that you SHOULD control and secure your marriage. It’s your emotional investment.

 

[NewEnglandWife]

I don’t think she’s asking for a fidelity certificate, @NewEnglandWife is merely trying to understand the gap between what she knows based on what her husband has been telling her his relation is like with the OW and what she has seen and read herself. The later denoting a degree of intimacy a tad higher than he has led her to believe.

As for your comment about insecure partners… let me tell you, I was the exact opposite of that for 25 years of my life. I let my ex go out with male friends and co-workers, let her go to another country by herself, GNO, etc. I never said a thing. Not because I was afraid that I was going to be called “old school” or immature or controlling, but because I put my full faith in that woman. Well, turns out I was a cuckhold. That I know of, in 30 years, she cheated on me with 4 “animals.” So when I hear someone say “controlling” or “insecure” I just chuckle.

What 30 years of marriage have taught me is that you SHOULD control and secure your marriage. It’s your emotional investment.

It's definitely a difficult balance between trust and pressing the truth. I have brought it up a couple of times in the past. He knows I really don't like it. He assures me I have nothing to worry about and given his history I do trust him. Sometimes people are just good at hiding things. I don't necessarily think that's the case. She is in another state. But there's lots of gaps I don't know. Frequency of chatting, topics. I know she has a boyfriend. She doesn't post about him much though. Rarely. I bring it up when it's appropriate and not just random. It definitely makes me sad not having all the answers and to not understand why they still talk even though he's aware it bothers me.

 

[TinyTbone]

There is normally nothing wrong with friendships of the opposing sex. So long as our SO is aware of it and that they do contact from time to time about whatever and like jobs. However, I feel it crossed a boundary when keeping photos of them with no real relevance to aforementioned. To minimize this by saying I find them attractive is about the same as cruising web sites looking at pics of women. Either way if our SO is bothered by this we should validate their concerns and delete of stop said behavior. Our priorities should always be to our relationship with our SO first and always.

 

[NewEnglandWife]

There is normally nothing wrong with friendships of the opposing sex. So long as our SO is aware of it and that they do contact from time to time about whatever and like jobs. However, I feel it crossed a boundary when keeping photos of them with no real relevance to aforementioned. To minimize this by saying I find them attractive is about the same as cruising web sites looking at pics of women. Either way if our SO is bothered by this we should validate their concerns and delete of stop said behavior. Our priorities should always be to our relationship with our SO first and always.

Thank you for that. I never had an issue with her at all until I found that photo. Made me feel like there's something more and it's weirder because I know her. I feel that something was crossed at that moment as well. Thanks for validating my concern.

 

[Reluctant Texan]

I don’t think she’s asking for a fidelity certificate, @NewEnglandWife is merely trying to understand the gap between what she knows based on what her husband has been telling her his relation is like with the OW and what she has seen and read herself. The later denoting a degree of intimacy a tad higher than he has led her to believe.

As for your comment about insecure partners… let me tell you, I was the exact opposite of that for 25 years of my life. I let my ex go out with male friends and co-workers, let her go to another country by herself, GNO, etc. I never said a thing. Not because I was afraid that I was going to be called “old school” or immature or controlling, but because I put my full faith in that woman. Well, turns out I was a cuckhold. That I know of, in 30 years, she cheated on me with 4 “animals.” So when I hear someone say “controlling” or “insecure” I just chuckle.

What 30 years of marriage have taught me is that you SHOULD control and secure your marriage. It’s your emotional investment.

there's a huge gap between being too controlling and being too permissive.

I do agree spouses can be friends with a member of the opposite sex, depending on the circumstances. It is a little concerning, but not every compatible male/female relationship leads to sex.

The couples I know like this have friendships with an extended group and all know eachother well.

While that's not the case here, at least they're in different states, and -as far as she knows -her husband doesn't have others nearby he could see. If he was looking to cheat, this wouldn't be the case.

I also think you trust your spouse/partner until they give you a reason not to.

 

[NewEnglandWife]

there's a huge gap between being too controlling and being too permissive.

I do agree spouses can be friends with a member of the opposite sex, depending on the circumstances. It is a little concerning, but not every compatible male/female relationship leads to sex.

The couples I know like this have friendships with an extended group and all know eachother well.

While that's not the case here, at least they're in different states, and -as far as she knows -her husband doesn't have others nearby he could see. If he was looking to cheat, this wouldn't be the case.

I also think you trust your spouse/partner until they give you a reason not to.

I agree. Like I said, I neverrrr had a problem with her! He can have friends lol but when I found that picture in his phone something crossed the line you know? I don't think he's cheating on me. I just don't want him to develop an emotional connection. That just kinda sucks. They have a lot in common.

 

[Reluctant Texan]

I agree. Like I said, I neverrrr had a problem with her! He can have friends lol but when I found that picture in his phone something crossed the line you know? I don't think he's cheating on me. I just don't want him to develop an emotional connection. That just kinda sucks. They have a lot in common.

I understand. the pic is a little weird.

FWIW, I have kept mementos of past relationships, innocently, and never had an urge to see the person again or cheat. Maybe he had something like that, or maybe just thinks she's pretty and likes the pic.

It sounds like you know her too. If you trust her or think she's okay, maybe you can relax a bit?

Like... sometimes you just know who's a threat and who's not, you know?