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Sorry, I did misread that part.

By the way, the recent she tried to avoid telling you the guy's name is because it's embarrassing for people at work to know that your husband is checking up on you and quizzing you and doesn't trust you. You're just setting yourself up for the "old ball and chain" comments, which can undermine your authority at work. Save it for when she comes home.
I don’t think that is the reason he asked. It was the fact that she butt dialed him and he heard part of the conversation with his wife getting in her car with another man. Why wouldn’t he ask who she is with? She was evasive when asked.
 

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This hits hard and thank you for this. And I get that, she tends to clean out her texts while I'm a hoarder of mine. For me, it was seeing that other texts that happened around the same time were not deleted. Yet, she's never given me a reason (until now) to worry. And to your bold, yup that says a lot about me and that is a mindset I need to work on.

If I was a 10, he would be a 2. He is not attractive at all. My wife is very attractive so I'm sure he had a crush (If I looked like him, I would be stoked to be chatting with somebody out of my league as well). I'm a very charismatic and physically fit guy with a great career. And I try to put my all into being a great husband. During my thinking it did run through my head "Really! This guy... he's ugly"

Thanks again for the comment. I plan to sit down with her and see what we can do about this.
There are quite a few women that will cheat with that type guy. He could be ugly but have a silver tongue. So many husbands have said “there is no way she would cheat with him” only to find out she did.
 

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Yes. She pocket dialed me and I could hear them talking and getting in the car (I could hear the doors shutting and she was asking what music he likes). This was around the time she normally gets off work. It then hung up and I called her back within minutes (just checked the log and it was 1min). That's when she said she's driving a coworker home so I knew beforehand. When I knew who it was, I looked them up and the distance from the workplace to his home is around 10min and from talking to her and her calling me back it was also around 10min. I think it was just a drop off.
Most likely because you knew where she was.
 

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How could he possibly know that the only missing texts were from him? I mean maybe she deletes unimportant texts and only keeps a few important ones.
 

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How could he possibly know that the only missing texts were from him? I mean maybe she deletes unimportant texts and only keeps a few important ones.
Because he said the only text at that time that were deleted was from the OM. The text with everyone else were still there at that time period. All of her OM’s text were gone.
 

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Let’s see, she is texting with 31 different people. 30 of those text threads are complete through the time see was texting her lover. The only one where everything was deleted was from her lover. That is how one knows.
 

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I still think it’s the wife chasing. And that story about him having problems and her feeling sorry for him is just such a line. Oh she’s just such a nice and caring person. I couldn’t give a rat’s about male coworkers’ problems. I’ll contribute 50 cents to a communal card and small gift, a pleasant hi how are you today and on with my job. People have friends and family members and supports for that stuff. And in my hard times, I’m really wary of any man trying to be nice and ask questions and offer support. I’ve got my people for that.
 

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Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.

I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.

One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.

We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.

A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).

I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.

She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.

She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.

We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).

I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.
Run recovery software on her phone and get tge deleted texts. She should nit have issue with that if it was notging to be cincerned witg. I would also drop a bug in his wifes ear as to what has been transpiring. She may have had concerns about the way her hubby has been acting already.
 

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Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.

In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.

It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.

Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.

You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. (Edited by author)

Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.

You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chump that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.

I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.

Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her
She was only deleting text from this guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #172 ·
@sumthin408, how are things going?
I don't really know. Never got anything from the phone. Still here wondering what transpired.

We've fought, madeup, and fought some more this past month. It's been exhausting. For me, I feel slighted and can't get this out of my head.

Looking more at the phone and comparing to call logs, she did delete other text threads around the same time. So I misspoke there. She pretty much just has the thread with me and one with her best friend left. I did notice the one with her sister was deleted and those texts happened during the same time. Still....

The job thing... we always planned it to be temporary and her want to quit didn't come out of the blue. The lack of two weeks is out of the ordinary.

The more I've thought about this the more I agree, if anything it's her chasing. Texting to figure out the gift, offering to give a ride home - The guy has been there long enough to have friends that will do that for him. She went out of her way to keep the contact and I told her that's just not right and very suspect.

She was fine with me taking the phone and trying to recover. I wasn't able to.

I've checked call logs and nothing in calls/texts. She hasn't left the house since she quit.

But when do you call it? So much of me just feels like leaving. It will hurt like hell, but that pain will eventually go away. The anger I feel from this situation doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon and I feel it will always be in the back of my head for the entire time I'm with her. How long until this happens again?

I just don't want to make the wrong decision but at this point, I don't think I'll ever get a straight answer.

I did contact the guy but was I really expecting to get anything other than what I've already been told?
 

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I don't really know. Never got anything from the phone. Still here wondering what transpired.

We've fought, madeup, and fought some more this past month. It's been exhausting. For me, I feel slighted and can't get this out of my head.

Looking more at the phone and comparing to call logs, she did delete other text threads around the same time. So I misspoke there. She pretty much just has the thread with me and one with her best friend left. I did notice the one with her sister was deleted and those texts happened during the same time. Still....

The job thing... we always planned it to be temporary and her want to quit didn't come out of the blue. The lack of two weeks is out of the ordinary.

The more I've thought about this the more I agree, if anything it's her chasing. Texting to figure out the gift, offering to give a ride home - The guy has been there long enough to have friends that will do that for him. She went out of her way to keep the contact and I told her that's just not right and very suspect.

She was fine with me taking the phone and trying to recover. I wasn't able to.

I've checked call logs and nothing in calls/texts. She hasn't left the house since she quit.

But when do you call it? So much of me just feels like leaving. It will hurt like hell, but that pain will eventually go away. The anger I feel from this situation doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon and I feel it will always be in the back of my head for the entire time I'm with her. How long until this happens again?

I just don't want to make the wrong decision but at this point, I don't think I'll ever get a straight answer.

I did contact the guy but was I really expecting to get anything other than what I've already been told?
This is from your first post.
"Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise."

Have you told your wife this ^^^ and that what happened with this coworker has made you question your entire marriage? I completely sympathize with your pain of having a lack of trust always floating around in your minds, but are you ready to throw away a marriage you describe in positive terms

If I remember correctly, this is the only time anything like this has ever happened with your wife. If that is the case, I personally wouldn't give up on the marriage yet. However, I would be in trust but verify mode for a long time. I would not hide this fact from your wife. I would let her know, that whether she agrees or not, this put a huge seriously eroded your trust in her. That she crossed a line you can't accept ever again. She has to be completely transparent and only you should be deleting her texts. It sucks, but without some kind of consequence she will never fully appreciate the gravity of what she has done. If this isn't the first time she has done something like this I would end it now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #174 ·
This is from your first post.
"Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise."

Have you told your wife this ^^^ and that what happened with this coworker has made you question your entire marriage? I completely sympathize with your pain of having a lack of trust always floating around in your minds, but are you ready to throw away a marriage you describe in positive terms

If I remember correctly, this is the only time anything like this has ever happened with your wife. If that is the case, I personally wouldn't give up on the marriage yet. However, I would be in trust but verify mode for a long time. I would not hide this fact from your wife. I would let her know, that whether she agrees or not, this put a huge seriously eroded your trust in her. That she crossed a line you can't accept ever again. She has to be completely transparent and only you should be deleting her texts. It sucks, but without some kind of consequence she will never fully appreciate the gravity of what she has done. If this isn't the first time she has done something like this I would end it now.
Yes, I did.

I told her this blindsided me and hurt me so deep down that the marriage is fractured. This marriage had a strong foundation and this act has put some serious cracks into it. I let her know the trust will take a long time to rebuild and I will struggle with fully trusting her.

I told her this isn't tolerable for me and it can't happen again. I advised if I find she contacts him in any way, it's divorce. I advised if anything like this happens again, it's divorce.

As far as I'm aware, this is the first time anything like this has happened. And yea, otherwise the relationship has been great for me. Thanks for the advice.
 

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What kind of phone is it?
 

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The other threads that she deleted are with other people that she was discussing this guy. there were other red flags on your story, one of the biggest being how she abruptly quit her job and that final text to OM. I’m sorry but that is not normal. Has she been sulking around the house like a wounded puppy? If so, don’t assume it s sorrow for hurting you, it will be missing the OM.

You know in your gut that her story does not pass the smell test. At the very least, she was in an emotional affair but I would wager that it went low level physical and was on the fast track to being a sexual affair that was only stopped because she but dialed you.

Also, did you take her phone to a professional or did you just try to do on your own with online tech suggestions?ed you. This is not something for you to go cheap on
 

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And what is her response to the trust being broken. Is she understanding about it. Does she get defensive or show that she realizes what she has done has damaged the marriage. Does she show empathy for the pain she has caused you?

is she willing to take a polygraph to confirm she never was physical with this man?

what steps is she taking to become a safe partner? Is she initiating them or being dragged into them?
 

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With all the pain and anger you are feeling with no real answers to your questions will eat away at your marriage. The text that you can’t recover would have made most of it clear. Instead you are left speculating what actually happened.

Your wife is what has caused this. Her actions have caused the doubt and mistrust. Then she is getting mad that you just can’t get over it.

Better to end things now
 
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