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A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).”

I really hope your advise is spot on DBTR, and I am the jerk you think I am.
Regardless, I’ll bet the work friend’s wife wouldn’t be too fond of this anymore than OP is, because it’s plain inappropriate.

I still would bet next months salary that OP will find Evidence that his gut fears are well-founded.. Lots of smoke here.
 

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Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself.
No offense intended DownByTheRiver but the fact that you are not in a relationship is important in the context of this thread. Single people may indeed text, email and chat with whomever they want, whenever they want. People in relationships may do so as well but trust may quite justifiably be eroded.
In this situation, Sumthin is on to something and as most, should trust his gut.
 

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been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).
He's banging her, no other possible explanation, if it were all innocent the texts wouldn't have been deleted.

To the OP, call the guys wife and tell her you're concerned her husband is constantly texting your wife.
 
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I don’t understand. Your wife has a friend and talks to him often. She can’t have a friend? She can’t give a coworker a ride home? She has to report any change in calling habits to you? She has to keep a record of all calls so you can police them to determine if they’re acceptable? Do you check her clothes and have her correct them if they’re too revealing?
Completely different situation,
My wife lives her life through social media (especially since COVID lockdowns restricted our lives).
Thousands of LINE messages from political/housing/gambling/social/religious groups, all of them there for me to read if I wanted to waste the time.

Deleted messages are always about sideline sex.
 
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oh my bad then. Sorry Evin.
I did a double take when I read that first paragraph too. I was surprised by (the beginnings of) that comment, after having read enough of that member's replies on other posts since joining to have an idea of what I should be seeing. I was thinking perhaps I may be in bizzaro world. Then I got to the next paragraphs and all was right with world once again, haha..

OP, I haven't gotten to the end of the thread yet and have more reading to do, but yah, I 100% agree with the majority that you have massive red flags all over the place. Not sure if its been mentioned yet, but you need to get into stealth mode and get a couple VARs and hide one in your wife's car and the other wherever she spends most of her time in the house.
 

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I delete texts from everybody. I don't like a messy phone or computer.
I think there’s certainly a subset of people who delete messages (you being one) to stay organized, but OP’s wife specifically deleting this text thread but not others of a similar age is a red flag IMO. My husband also deletes messages but limits this to inactive threads only. OP’s wife seems to be taking extra steps to hide this conversation.
 

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Every time I see someone getting upset because texts or communications deleted I just roll my eyes. I keep all my email and texts totally cleaned up at all times and there's no one I'm hiding it from because I am by myself. It's called not being messy and disorganized.

In the past when I was younger and worked I had so many male buddies that would even come over after work and watch TV or something like that. It was before texting. I lived near work and once in awhile a couple would come to my place for lunch. Or we'd go out to lunch.

It was just a circle of friends that I met at work. A couple were married. I had already met the wives because sometimes they would bring them to work related functions or out to a gig.

Texting has just become something that is so easy to do and takes so little time that people seem to think it's perfectly fine to text co-workers after hours. A lot of times they're just hashing over something else that's going on in the office. I wouldn't have liked it if my bosses had started bugging me via text after work, but I wouldn't have minded talking to a couple of coworkers after hours. I even had a couple of salesmen call me at home after hours. It wasn't midnight or anything like that. It was usually shortly after I got home like maybe 7:00 or so.

You blew this way up out of proportion. I don't disagree that she needs to recognize some boundaries to the point where she isn't letting someone monopolize that much of her time with texting. (Edited by author)

Calmly discussing with her and setting some parameters for how often someone from work should be chatting her up in her private time is reasonable enough, but whatever went on between you two made her quit her job and that is just wrong wrong wrong.

You didn't see any sexting or anything. Do you think she's such a chump that if a man talks to her enough, then he'll automatically get in her pants? You know you can't monitor someone enough to keep them from cheating and I don't know what the point would be if you could.

I think the appropriate thing to say to her about a bunch of texting with that guy would just have been to mention that he certainly cutting into your after hours life and just let her know it seemed excessive.

Honestly if she was carrying on a big affair with this guy, there's no way she would have been doing all this right in front of you like she was. At least give her credit for having better sense than that. If she's having an affair with someone that's the last person you would catch her texting with while you're with her
This is kind of the old "Well since this is how I do it.....it is totally ok and above board because I am the litmus test for all things in life" kind of response.
If she is regularly deleting all of her texts.....to be neat...then that should show clearly. She doesn't have texts from anyone because she deletes everything. If all of her other texts to and from others are still there but only texts with this fellow are deleted. That is.......what's the word?...........Oh yeah, SUSPICIOUS.

Only the OP can answer these things.

Biggest red flag is her reaction to all of this. If this guy were just a meaningless co-worker pal and absolutely nothing is going on....not even one minor feeling towards him, the odds are she would be breezy, easy going, 100% open about who he is and openly cough up info when asked "Oh who is this person....what is their name?". The fact that she is acting so disjointed when asked about him and immediately quits her job and gets defensive is over the top suspicious. You are quite condescending with your flippant chastisement of having the gall to be suspicious.

Thanks for letting us know that since YOU delete your texts and YOU hang out with co-workers.....this is to be universally accepted without suspicion in all marriages.
Your ONE micro example should be immediately incorporated into the MACRO norm for marriage and infidelity.
 

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@sumthin408 I think that perhaps the co-worker was reaching out for someone to talk to. Maybe his wife being disabled is taking a toll on him and he needed the perspective of a female co-worker?

The problem with this type of interaction is that whilst it starts innocently it can turn into something emotional and sexual.

She accidentally outed herself and then suddenly resigned. I think it's possible that she came on to him at work, which might have shocked him so he reports her to the manager for sexual harassment and she either resigns in a rage because she felt slighted by him or she was asked to resign.
 

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She accidentally outed herself and then suddenly resigned. I think it's possible that she came on to him at work, which might have shocked him so he reports her to the manager for sexual harassment and she either resigns in a rage because she felt slighted by him or she was asked to resign.
I think you're right, most work environments are fairly strict about married staff fooling around.
Especially if it's causing problems at work, which it always does in the end.
 
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Yep, you need to quit worrying about it. He may have crushed on her, but she's not a child and just enjoyed the friendship, I'm sure. It's also possible he didn't crush on her, but knowing guys, he probably did. Still, it's no indication she'd EVER be interested that way, so can't imagine how frustrating it must be for her to think she'd sleep with that unattractive co-employee just because he's talking to her. I doubt very much since he's not attractive at all that there was ever anything sexual that she conveyed to him. And I have to believe it wouldn't have sustained as a friendship if he had been harassing her with sexual innuendo either. Have some faith. Try to enjoy your wife and trust that she has better ethics than to F some convenient guy no matter how unattractive he is.


I bet if he ever took it into that arena, she'd have shut him down pretty quick anyway. He probably was smart enough not to go there. And maybe they did just develop a nice comraderie. Anyway, she's made clear she can live without it, so there you go. Good luck.
Some comments on your post.

"He may have crushed on her, but she's not a child and just enjoyed" ..........his crush on her.

" And I have to believe it wouldn't have sustained as a friendship if he had been harassing her with sexual innuendo either"
"I bet if he ever took it into that arena, she'd have shut him down pretty quick anyway."
You have to believe it you may bet on it, her husband may only hope.

" I mean, that's not who you married. You must know that." Just as all the betrayed ones knew?

"Anyway, she's made clear she can live without it, so there you go. "
She made it clear AFTER he let her know his worries. May be she rightly thought that the alternative was to live without her husband.

"Good luck" This is the best point of your post.
 

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I too am not satisfied with the reason for quitting. There is definitely more to that resignation. Also his wife texting OM first thing on Saturday morning rings so much of a love struck teenager. She was completely giddy over this guy. I really doubt this was only an EA. This thing got physical. It doubt it got to the sex but think at the very least making out and heavy petting took place.

This reminds me of a thread on SI that a WW was going out with a coworker that was from another office. The BH found out they went to lunch alone a couple of times. The wife lied that other coworkers were there but later admitted it was just the 2 of them. Further later she admitted to making out. Then when talking about a poly, she admitted he got to “2nd base”. After the poly it turned out it was more, but not sex. The BH didn’t specify but I’m sure it was a BJ. The whole affair took about 2 weeks. Yep, a married mother of 2 got busy with a coworker she knew in person for only 2 weeks.

I bring this all up to let you know that it does happen that quickly. We get so many BHs who come here talking about how shy, body conscious, conservative, religious, low sex drive etc, etc their wife is but it later comes out, their gut was right. WW are often the initiators of taking the affair to the next level. They also are very wanton for their OM. The wife that rarely gives a BJ and turns the husband down for certain sexual acts is enthusiastically performing those for the OM.
Once again, I suspect that your wife didn’t get to that level yet but there’s no denying the trajectory this thing was heading in.
 

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@sumthin408 I think that perhaps the co-worker was reaching out for someone to talk to. Maybe his wife being disabled is taking a toll on him and he needed the perspective of a female co-worker?

The problem with this type of interaction is that whilst it starts innocently it can turn into something emotional and sexual.

She accidentally outed herself and then suddenly resigned. I think it's possible that she came on to him at work, which might have shocked him so he reports her to the manager for sexual harassment and she either resigns in a rage because she felt slighted by him or she was asked to resign.
She did tell me his son recently died and her explanation for some of the days texting him while she was at work was to get info on food/drink as her work held a condolence type party (not the best word).

The job thing throws me off and I won't know unless I talk to the manager/owner. She's worked there for four months and hit a raise each month for the first three months and got the promo on the 4th month. She left her original career (which was much faster paced) and was doing this job while studying to go into a different field. When she quit, they gave her options to go back to the original position before the promo or to just work part-time. They also told her to basically come back whenever she wants and they will hire her back. She's been at the same level of stress at other jobs and has not quit so abruptly. And she didn't give a two week notice. Called me, said I want to quit and then quit.
 

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Oh boy. Disabled wife, son just died.

It’s always just a friend or just a co-worker in a crisis or with some sad story and they were the only ones able to help. He really had no-one else to talk to?? Most people don’t get that personal at work, lots of coworkers had tragedies, we got money together and sent them flowers and wrote nice cards. I was never that nice, or caring that I just HAD to text them so frequently and be their biggest supporter.
 

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You can find countless threads in the infidelity forum where a married person loses a close relative and an affair closely follows. I don’t really understand the reasoning behind it. Maybe an emotional hole that needs filling.
But it happens a lot. Enough that I think it’s knowledge that people should be familiar with.
 
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