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Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.

I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.

One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.

We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.

A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).

I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.

She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.

She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.

We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).

I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.
 

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This story has so many red flags. Quitting her job, removing social media, etc are all signs of there being more to be uncovered. I regularly speak with male coworkers and have never felt the need to delete them. We may even comment on pictures of our families on social media as well - this seems very off. Why would she need to block him and quit her job is nothing happened? This looks like guilt to me.
 

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Yes you are right to have concerns. Why didn't she tell you she was giving him lifts home? Why did she delete all the texts between them?
Keep your eyes and ears open. Your wife needs to have some boundaries with men or she is risking the marriage.
 

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Sorry you're here ...
If he was just a friend she wouldn't have:
1) Deleted all correspondence
2) Not told you about him
3) Been evasive about identifying him
4) Texted at all hours
5) Quit her job upon discovery
You have discovered the tip of the iceberg. The time is NOW to be strong. Mouth shut, eyes open.
How long have they been texting based on your records so far? Start lining up the texting with events in your/her life. See if you can determine possible meetups. There's a lot of help available about recovering deleted messaging and analyzing her behavior (grooming, fitness, cutting you off, revising your marriage).
Make sure you know what gaslighting and blame shifting are.
If she is works in healthcare the odds of this being really bad go really up.
Good luck.
 

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I have male friends and don't delete their messages. She has something to hide. I'd suggest she give you her phone and you take her phone somewhere they can retrieve all those deleted messages. If she has nothing to hide and wants to give you reassurance she would give you her phone no bother. If she refuses she is hiding stuff.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA
 

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Red flags (IMO):
1. Frequency of the texts
2. Texting this guy on Saturday as soon as she wakes up
3. Deleting text messages
4. Sudden changes in the normal routine (her not calling you on her way home like she always does)
5. Communicating via multiple platforms (if this was innocent, why do it? Why not just keep it at text messages?)
6. Her telling him "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". She just signaled him that her marriage has hit a bump which is to me kind of an extreme slide from having a disagreement about concerning activity to trouble in the marriage. Her signaling him, to me, sounds like she's setting the other guy's expectations that she may soon need emotional support because of a 'controlling husband'.

I think you absolutely have cause to be concerned. Consider installing a keylogger on her phone, if you have access to it.
 

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Mid-30's. Married for 8 years. No children. Sex life is great and relationship seems strong. We're each others best friend. No lie, this took me by surprise.

I'm posting here to understand if I have a valid concern or if I'm being way too paranoid/insecure/jealous.

One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.

We chatted normally but it didn't sit well with me that she seemed to hesitate telling me who was in her car. I ended out checking our phone bill. One number stood out as this number was texting back and forth with her more than her and I do. Texts during work hours, after work hours (up until 9pmish), and texts during the weekend. I do a lookup on the number and the first name of the owner matches who she said it was when driving them home. A little bit more digging and I find the number does belong to her coworker. He's married and probably 5-15yrs older than her.

A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday. I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).

I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.

She told me that they (as well as other coworkers) play a game on their phones after work together and that's when they chat. I did look at her phone and the group chat (that doesn't include him) is still there. The timestamps between her/him are everywhere - morning, middle of day, and night.

She holds the position that he was just a friend and she could definitely be telling the truth, it's just hard to accept that that's all it could be.

We fought for a while. On her first day back at work, she quit her job. She had mentioned issues with her manager being too much and previously mentioned not liking the job. The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).

I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.
Now you need to keep a look out for used condoms. This is screaming she's fooling around.

Texts at all hours, wee hours at night, Saturday mornings? Any days she's gone shopping all day or lunch with gfs are play times for her.
 

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Your wife is definitely on a slipper slope of infidelity. The constant texting is taking away from your marriage. I hope your wife is being forthright with quitting her job, blocking this man and stating her marriage is in trouble. In short, not a snow job while she get a burner phone. Now it is time to snoop and play warden. It sucks.
 

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One day my wife called me towards the end of her shift. She pocket dialed and I could hear her and a guy talking while getting into her car. Normal banter, nothing sexual. The phone hung up and I waited a couple of minutes and called her back. She answered and said she was driving a coworker home. I asked her who the coworker was and she responded with "just a coworker". I asked if I knew them and she said no, it's a guy named -name-. She called me back about 10min later as the coworker lived close by.

A little over 100 texts within two weeks, majority initiated by him. Some days (1 or 2) they were texting back and forth 20-30 times in an hour. She texted him right when she woke up on a Saturday.
I've never seen these texts. They've all been deleted. I've never heard of this guy until I saw the phone bill and confronted her. She normally calls me at lunchtime and on the day before she drove him home, she didn't call me. I matched timestamps and she was texting back and forth with him and then it stopped for 45 minutes (I'm guessing her lunch) and then the texting picked back up (I could really just be reaching here).

I sat her down and told her about the call logs and how this was out of the ordinary (I need reassurance that this isn't something that's jeopardizing our relationship). We got into a huge fight. He's just a friend and I wouldn't have a problem if it was a female that she was texting. I think she's a ****. I didn't know there were rules on being friends with other men. etc etc. My response was mainly if it's a friend that you're this close to (seeing as she texts him more than her girlfriends), why haven't I heard of them. And yes, texting a female that much wouldn't bother me. She's never had a male friend in our entire relationship and I felt it was being kept a secret. Privacy is OK, secrecy doesn't sit well with me.

The guy texted her about a week and a half after she quit asking if everything was OK with her. I told her to shut it down and her message to him was "My marriage is having issues and I need some time away". I advised she blocks his number and stops all communication. I saw he contacted her on FB the same day he texted so I'm guessing they were chatting through there as well. She has since deleted her FB account (and blocked his number).

I hate writing this. Half of my gut tells me to trust the love of your life.. that she could never do this to you. I mean, our relationship seems great. I try to keep the mindset of always stay dating and I feel we are very good together. They could have simply just been friends that have a lot in common. I never saw the texts so I truly don't know. The other side of me says whoa this is new territory and these are red flags and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's just a friend.
It’s secretive and we’re just friends is the biggest lie told. Which suggests its at least an emotional affair.
An emotional affair with contact is usually a sexual affair especially if they have access to his home.

Recovery of the deleted texts will tell you what you need to know. Get it done. You’ll be sorry if you don’t.
 

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I don’t understand. Your wife has a friend and talks to him often. She can’t have a friend? She can’t give a coworker a ride home? She has to report any change in calling habits to you? She has to keep a record of all calls so you can police them to determine if they’re acceptable? Do you check her clothes and have her correct them if they’re too revealing?

I have something to tell you. You’re a control freak. Your wife should not tolerate this ******** from you. I’m sorry you are so insecure that you can’t allow your wife to have a harmless male friend. One of these days maybe you’ll trust your wife and stop controlling her and allow her to have some happiness without looking over her shoulder.
Consider seeing a therapist for your controlling behavior.

Or, you can ask yourself if you are so weak and fearful of losing your wife that you’ll tolerate a clear case of an emotional and quite likely physical affair. Your wife probably quit her job because she was cake eating and wanted to stay married while she banged her work husband, and didn’t want to stay and worry about someone she works with telling you the truth. I would absolutely get that phone and recover the deleted texts, and if she wouldn’t give the phone up for that, I’d divorce hee because she was absolutely guilty of cheating.

most likely she will eventually cave under overwhelming evidence (which I think You already have) and her famous phrase will be “it was never physical”. Lie. Classic lie.

I wish I could give you good news. I can’t. Don’t rugsweep. Get the truth and go from there.

of you ever felt guilt or bad for thinking your wife has been untrustworthy, you need to understand that is a weakness you need to get over. Because this may have gotten stopped before physicality occurred, but if you rugsweep, there will be a repeat performance.
 

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Did your wife get fired but say she quit to throw you off the depth of the affair? Closing out her social media? You know in your gut there is way more to this. Deleting text, texting this guy way more than she does her husband, and not calling you on her lunch break, when she was with him. There’s a very high chance they were getting busy. This forum is littered with threads of Waywards having sex in a car during lunch. VERY COMMON.

You need to run a recovery on her phone. There are apps to help with that but it’s best you get a service to do it for you. Take it to some service that will pull everything out. Do the same with her , laptop, tablet, emails.
 
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