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Thanks for the comment. I don’t typically drink at all and have recently started having 2 glasses of wine. My reasoning for consuming any is to calm myself down from the stress level, really the entire reason why I mentioned in the first place. My normal stress relief has been exercise and I am bothered by the fact that apart from exercise, I need a glass of wine. I feel like there are now more comments about me mentioning wine... so that’s helpful
Two glasses of wine? That's probably not a problem.
 

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Thanks for your response. No pity parties here my friend. In addition, you don’t know the entire story. I also didn’t say I have become an alcoholic. Too much wine for me might possibly be a normal amount to someone else. I’m responsible and dealing with something that I mad a mistake with. Would you also consider him not being honest about his temper?
I’m not sure. When did his temper start? How long were you together before you got married?

How much are you drinking? What does it mean when you say you are irritable?

What is it that you want to do?

What does success here mean to you?
 

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Thanks for the comment. I don’t typically drink at all and have recently started having 2 glasses of wine. My reasoning for consuming any is to calm myself down from the stress level, really the entire reason why I mentioned in the first place. My normal stress relief has been exercise and I am bothered by the fact that apart from exercise, I need a glass of wine. I feel like there are now more comments about me mentioning wine... so that’s helpful
On the spectrum of coping mechanisms, one or two glasses of wine are not problematic unless you think they are. I can certainly think of worse ways to deal with stress.

But I can also think of other positive things you could do. You mention exercise - yoga is a good one, for example.

When you feel you need wine - what is it that triggers that?
 

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... you don’t know the entire story. I also didn’t say I have become an alcoholic.
No, we honestly don't know the entire story; we can only respond to what you have posted thus far. And I haven't seen anyone bandying about the term "alcoholic" here.

Just sounds to me like you were hopeful love between the two of you would grow over time. It didn't. He has a bad temper. You are stressed out. Time to set boundaries. You can either live with this, or you can't. I'm only responding to what you have discussed. Drinking may be an issue, it very well may not.
 

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Millions of people in the world have started with arranged marriages but wound up in marriages of love. It happens all the time, so you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about your choice.

For me, the temper is the number 1 issue. You have a small child and it sounds like his temper is sometimes directed at the child (?). If so, this must be addressed immediately. He must sign on to anger management and get the help he needs or you separate.

If it's directed just at you, you can still issue the ultimatum. He gets help or else.
 

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Alicia, did your H's change start when you "felt" that you made the wrong choice? If so maybe he's just picking up on the vibes. And or did you mention anything to him at that time?
 

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Perhaps one of the questions if you asked yourself may help you with a direction.

Would you want to, (not should and could) but want to remain married to this man if he didn't have this temper/yelling reaction to (?) disagreements?

If no, then.....

Also, is it possible H has picked up on your negative vibes on the M, long before you thought he did?

Because he has, even if you think he hasn't. Your regret in marrying him will show in ways even between arguments.
That will cause frustration and response-resentment in him consciously or subconsciously.

Btw, yelling in anger is never good, I'm not condoning that. Some folks yell until they realize there are other options without increased anger or yelling levels.
 

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Millions of people in the world have started with arranged marriages but wound up in marriages of love. It happens all the time, so you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about your choice.

For me, the temper is the number 1 issue. You have a small child and it sounds like his temper is sometimes directed at the child (?). If so, this must be addressed immediately. He must sign on to anger management and get the help he needs or you separate.

If it's directed just at you, you can still issue the ultimatum. He gets help or else.
I disagree - Unless he knew that she didn’t love him and was just responding to the prior break up instead of actually wanting to be with him.

If he went in eyes open, then bad on him.

If he went in being lied to, then bad on her.
 

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Millions of people in the world have started with arranged marriages but wound up in marriages of love. It happens all the time, so you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about your choice.

I agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about, marrying hoping for love to grow - it probably could have happened if he didn't have such a bad temper, and started making you feel like he didn't like anything about you.
I don't blame you for wanting to leave, so you need to do what the other posters have said -- set your boundaries, and don't accept being treated like that. You especially owe that to your daughter! She needs to see her mom taking care of herself and protecting herself, because you DESERVE that! Let go of the shame, it has NO place in your heart or your relationship.

If he doesn't make the changes necessary to be a decent, loving husband and father, then I would think a separation is a clear next-step for you, GUILT FREE.
 

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Rebound yes, attracted to yes, but attraction only takes you so far. The different personality/compatibility issue was not “discovered” until after marriage, about a few months into it. I am fully responsible for doing something I shouldn’t have done in the first place and for a poor reason at that, but the temper and other issues came later.
So why is it so HARD for you to admit that you made a stupid and selfish choice, that your husband - regardless of his anger issues - doesn't deserve to be someone's consolation prize which is essentially what you made him, and that it's obviously not working for you and you need to move on?

Why are you making this 10 times harder than it has to be?
 
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