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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I will make this as short as possible. Three years ago my husband made plans to visit an old friend he had been searching for for years and had recently found. I bought new clothes, packed his bags and sent him on his way. OOOps. He actually went to see his old fiance ( 23 years past), spent 6 days with her, went to a condo, spent time with her family, and visited an old friend and his wife with her. He had an affair, to which it took 9 months before I finally got the truth that it had been physical. I was lied to, called names, made the "bad" guy in our marriage, and I didn't suspect a thing. He has said many times that this is where he wants to be, he does not have contact with her anymore. But.......... Every night when I go to bed with him I wonder if he did this with her or if she did that, I question why he does or does not do things that he used to. I watch tv and see a movie or a show and in it someone had an affair or reconnected with an old love and it's right there in my face again. She used the term "soulmate" to describe her feelings toward him, makes me ill. I did but do not have contact with her. He lied to her about me and to me about her. But it's been three years, I just cannot keep reliving this over and over. How do you make it stop? I honestly can tell you that it hurts just as bad today as the day I realized it was happening, only then I had the burden of discovery, the hunt to get proof, now I have a reflection in my mirror that I don't know. I went to counseling, found out that I could stand up on my own, but I didn't want that. I want to enjoy my marriage. I want to want to go to bed with my husband, I want to forgive his indiscretion, I want to sit on my porch and grow old with him. I have read, listened, talked, followed advice, done everything I can think of to do. But still every night when I crawl into bed, there it is again. How can I put it away?
 

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You will not get over what he did unless he does a whole heck of a lot more than it sounds like he has! Why do you still have those questions after 3 years?? He should have answered everything a thousand times for you by now. You should be in MC that HE initiated, with someone specializing in infidelity. He should have apologized a million times and offered to serve you his balls on a silver platter if that's what you need to heal.

So, what has he done to help you??
 

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Unfortunately it doesn’t stop and will be with you for the rest of your life now, like an old friend. How you deal with it is 100% in your control. So take control, do what you must, and find out what and how much you can bear, because the memory and a trigger will always be there. You need to find a way to be at peace with or without H.
 

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He is the one who was unfaithful, but it sounds like he has done very little if anything to make it possible for you to heal. Do you have the whole truth? Has he offered it or made you drag it all out of him? Is he still trickling out the truth? Does he just want you to 'get over it and move forward'?

He needs to work to help you. Counseling and complete openness and patience.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks, his fall back is always " this is where I want to be or I wouldn't be here". I know it's probrably not the right thing, but he has never "confessed" anything, if I ask, he will answer. I want him to just sit down and tell me the whole darn story. I feel like I only know parts and have to guess at the rest. I'm pretty sure I actually know it all, but it has never come from him. Pisses me off. I know that he has to deal with it everyday too, but he's the one that did it! How do I get him to just open up and talk about it? And no, he did not attend counseling, and yes he said he was sorry ( along with "what else can I say" ). URG !!!!!
 

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You tell him that he either starts acting like he is truly sorry or you are filing for divorce.

What does 'truly sorry' look like? Here's a bit about it:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html#post498294

"INDICATORS OF REMORSE
* Actions match words.
* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.
* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.
* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.
* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.
* Answers questions honestly and completely.
* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”
* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.
* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.
* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.

Remorse is so important to R. It's the conerstone that everything else is built on. Without it, the M can not heal.

Remorse involves far more than just saying "I'm sorry." It's conveyed through consistent actions. The above list is not comprehensive, but it is meant to be an example that the FWS's behavior should be clear sign that he or she understands the pain the A caused and is committed to healing the M. Simply hanging around the house is not remorse. And it is not R. "

For me, in our R, this is what my husband does:
He has done everything a truly remorseful wayward needs to in order to reconcile. He realizes what he did and doesn't EVER want to do it again. He reads, attends his group, we both attend MC, we talk. There is VERY little he hasn't done that a WS should and needs to do. He owns his sh!t. He works hard every day to help me recover and to keep our marriage getting better. And he does it all with an attitude of remorse. He doesn't balk at what he needs to do. Even this long past the first Dday I can tell him that something triggered me and he is apologetic and fusses over me. The fact he is this way has meant that I can be that way with him too, when he needs me to be.

Also print this out and tell him to read it

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html#post590281

And the Newbie link in my signature is a must read.
 

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There are several threads here right now about people whose spouses had affairs and then they were swept under the rug for years. One woman is polygraphing her H 25 years after the affair. Another is divorcing 20+ years after. A man is seriously considering leaving the marriage after his W's infidelity 12 years ago. In all cases, the betrayed spouse tried to soldier on without getting all of the truth.

You can get the truth if you demand it. If you don't do this there's a good chance that it will never be dealt with and you will be in the same position that these others are in.

It sounds like your H decided to meet up with an old flame, spent a week with her, had sex with her and then came home to you, all on his own terms, all his decisions. That's really so much NOT OK that it isn't funny. Are you supposed to be grateful that he 'picked' you after he tested her out after so many years? Sorry. Really not OK.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Wow, you all really do understand ! Sometimes I think that I just sit and think about it so much that I am the one who is stopping the progress of healing. I know what I need and it is so nice to hear you all say the same thing. I'm not crazy. I had no idea that my H was planning to meet his ex fiance, I never once suspected he would have an affair. I believed, loved and trusted. And when it was discovered, again it was me, learning, talking, trying. Is that what this really boils down to? I this the "missing link", him? I realize that I need answers, that I need his imput, but I think what I really need is for him to participate. How do I accomplish that? And yes I guess he does feel that I should be satisfied that he "chose" me, he has never said anything to the contrary.
 

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You can tell him everything that you need, write it down even and give it to him, but since it's been so long since D day he isn't going to take you seriously.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
So now what? If I tell him that I need him to take me thru the affair and he refuses? He really is a good guy, I know that sounds like bs, but he is. I know that he made a mistake. Why ? Well, I only have my theory's, and when I offered those to him, he agreed. He has never , not once, offered, stated, shared, apologized, or discussed his affair without my prompting. I am just at a point where I don;t know if I can keep up this front anymore. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, that something will change with me so that I can feel better. Tonight I just need to sit down and tell hi m that I need more from him, even if that is only the truth about the affair. It's a place to start.
 

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So now what? If I tell him that I need him to take me thru the affair and he refuses? He really is a good guy, I know that sounds like bs, but he is. I know that he made a mistake. Why ? Well, I only have my theory's, and when I offered those to him, he agreed. He has never , not once, offered, stated, shared, apologized, or discussed his affair without my prompting. I am just at a point where I don;t know if I can keep up this front anymore. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, that something will change with me so that I can feel better. Tonight I just need to sit down and tell hi m that I need more from him, even if that is only the truth about the affair. It's a place to start.
I guess what it boils down to is, are you prepared to live your life the way you have been forever, or are you willing to do what needs to be done to change it?

You can't force him to tell you, but you can tell him what you will do if he doesn't tell you. And then DO it.

If he really is such a great guy, he will jump at the chance to help you. If he doesn't, then there really isn't much more I can say that I haven't already. It's a very sad fact that most waywards act like your husband and few like mine.

Have you read the newbie link in my signature?
 

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I guess what it boils down to is, are you prepared to live your life the way you have been forever, or are you willing to do what needs to be done to change it?
Totally agree with this! You basically have 2 choices:
1) keep wearing a bandage over your heart and let it drive you crazy until you "grow old together", which might take a long time
2) confront him, get yourselves some help and work it out, which will likely be extremely painful at first but it will probably allow you to lead a peaceful life and healthy relationship in the long run.

You see first hand that you can't keep sweeping your emotions under the rug anymore because it is destroying you emotionally. So what is your plan?
 

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It was a choice and you WON!
This is how the WS should feel, not the BS. The BS is the one who chooses to R even after what the WS did. Feeling like my WS 'chose' me is like saying I was in some kind of warped competition or something which is bullpucky. HE FVCKED UP. Period. I was and am FAR better than anyone else he cheated with. Thinking of them as my competition is way far beneath me.

Saying to forgive and all is fine, but what has GOT to happen is, he has to step up to the plate here. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve your forgiveness OR you.
 

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Marriage shouldn't be a 'pick me' game. You shouldn't feel like you are fortunate and grateful that your H is deciding at this particular point in time to be faithful to you. That isn't honoring your marriage vows. He's already broken them very, very badly.

If you're the type of person who feels gratitude that he deigns to choose you, then you'll be fine - eventually, maybe, possibly.... If you want the truth to be able to move on, however, and you want mutual respect, then he needs to do some work to help you.

You think he's a good guy, but a good guy doesn't do what he did. He carefully planned and hid a full vacation with another woman. He slept with her and was clearly thinking about leaving you for her. This isn't honorable behavior. There's a part of this good guy that is not so good. He should face that if he wants you to be his W, in my opinion. The least he could do is offer you the truth of his affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well, I chickened out last night. I asked him to read some of the messages on TAM, and he did. Spent a few hours on it, then I had him read my thread. He got up, let the dog out and we headed to bed. I asked him what his plans for today were, he answered and we went to sleep. This morning, not a mention of it. He knows what I am feeling, he knows what I need. But apparently I have to beg him to discuss it. I just don't know if I really care enough anymore to demand it. If he can't face it, and won't openly discuss it........
 

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You don't realize it, but you are probably in the process of deciding whether you choose him. You are trying to clarify what you need and what you will accept to continue the marriage. If your H won't take real responsibility for his extremely self-absorbed and hurtful actions, you may have real trouble down the road and I think you are feeling this.

FWIW, you may well have to force the discussion after he's read your thread. You need the discussion. Don't be afraid of being seen as the nag or b!tch by forcing it. For any marriage to work, in my opinion, both people have to choose the other in a very committed manner & the problems you want to discuss are absolutely fundamental. Why would you chicken out on something so important?
 
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