Eagleclaw, I agree with ThinkTooMuch (tell me, are you guys American Indians?). As Think says, your W likely suffers from strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
All her family are hot heads.
Recent studies indicate that BPD is likely caused by both heredity and environment (e.g., physical abuse, abandonment, or a verbally abusive parent like your W). One implication is that it is not surprising that most of her family is that way -- that is where she got the traits to begin with. Another implication is that your W's genetics and abusive behavior raise the risk factor for your children.
She also had a screwed up upbringing.
Like I said, BPD is believed to be caused by heredity in combination with a traumatic early childhood (i.e., typically before age 5).
I deviated away from how I used to be, as I tried harder and harder to try and repair the marriage and "fix" things
You likely are a caregiver type guy like me. We were raised to fix things and smooth things over among family members. As a result, we are attracted to the wounded birds of life because our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved. This is why we are so attracted (initially) to BPDers -- they project vulnerability, always thinking of themselves as victims. As soon as the honeymoon period ends, however, you shifted to walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her anger. The result is that you haven't been your "true self" for many years.
she will often keep ramping up her assault if I stay cool
Your W likely has the emotional development of a four year old, the age at which she experienced such trauma that her emotional development was frozen. This is why she never learned how to regulate her emotions, i.e., never learned how to do self soothing. Moreover, she has enormous rage inside her that she has carried since childhood. The result is that her anger is easily triggered -- in 10 seconds -- by innocent actions or comments by you. She therefore bursts into childish tantrums which typically last about five hours. Because she experiences these intense feelings sweeping over her every day, she becomes desensitized to "normal" feelings, finding them boring. She therefore has a strong need to create excitement and stimulation so as to feel alive. That is why she is always creating "drama." And that is why it is pointless trying to reason with her. Her objective is not to find a solution or a fair compromise. Instead, her objective is to create drama.
I'm not sure I really know what you mean turnera, I suppose if she loves fighting and being at odds with each other then I guess you might be right.
I believe Turnera is right. As I explained, BPDers crave stimulation and drama because -- like any four year old -- they are used to experiencing very intense feelings and thus get bored easily. Of course, they generally prefer intense
good feelings to
bad feelings. Their problem with good feelings, however, is that they easily become intimate feelings, which overwhelm them with the fear of engulfment due to their fragile sense of who they are. The other problem with good feelings is that they do not provide a release for all the anger a BPDer has been carrying since childhood. Bad feelings, on the other hand, have the "benefit" of triggering an outpouring of that inner rage.
she says things she won't remember saying - and she'll accuse me of saying things that I never said. It's almost like she combusts to the point of losing track of reality and then creates her own.
A very astute observation, Eagleclaw. You are correct. She does create her own reality -- but only with respect to other peoples' motivations. This is why BPD is called a "thought distortion." The illness distorts her perceptions of your intentions and creates feelings that are so intense that she is convinced they must have a basis in fact -- never mind that there are no facts or evidence to support it. (She nonetheless is not "crazy" because her perceptions of the physical world are not distorted.
As to her not remembering things she did and things you said, that is common with BPDers. It is partly due to the intense feelings, which color her judgment and cause her to frequently "rewrite history." (You and I do the same thing every time we get extremely angry with someone -- which is why we usually keep our mouths shut until we are able to cool down.) The forgetfulness is also partly due to a BPDer's frequent use of dissociation (i.e., splitting) to escape having to deal with someone. Do you remember the time that you were driving and you suddenly realized you could not remember a thing about the last ten miles -- not even the three stop lights you had to have passed through? Well, that was dissociation. Your mind was "split" in the sense that the conscious part was daydreaming and the subconscious was driving the car. BPDers do that a lot more than you do.
my wife has no friends, because at some point they always have a falling out
I believe you mean to say that she has no
close friends. If your W is high functioning, she probably does quite well with handling complete strangers, business colleagues, and casual friends. Those people pose no threat of engulfment because there is no intimacy. And they pose no threat of abandonment because there is no relationship to abandon. Lord help them, though, if they start to draw close to her.
On the other hand, if she really cannot avoid driving away casual friends, it likely is because she is not "high functioning" or because she has another problem in addition to strong BPD traits. That would not be unusual because most BPDers also have another problem such as depression or another PD.
she is constantly testing me
Because their ability to trust was destroyed in early childhood, BPDers typically do endless testing of their partners to find out if they will remain loyal and will not abandon them. Of course, the reassurance they get from such tests lasts only a few hours because the next emotional tide sweeps aside all of the prior feelings. This is why your W likely is incapable of appreciating anything you've done for her for more than a few days -- well, maybe for a week if you spend a fortune on a gift. And, because she is unstable, she likely will tire of using that gift within two weeks. In any event, you will get tired of the endless testing. Of course, there are all the insulting questions. The worst part, however, is her notion that you cannot be properly tested unless she does something or buys something she knows you will absolutely hate so she can observe your reaction. Unless you hate it, she cannot feel that she made the decision to buy it. That is why your statement "Yes, I like it" is the kiss of death for an item she is thinking of buying.
She knows my sexual appetite and the effort I had put in for her but has done nothing about it.
BPDers typically are very passionate during the six month honeymoon period -- which is when their twin fears of engulfment and abandonment are blocked by their infatuation over you. Then the passion usually goes downhill because BPDers -- like anyone who is depressed and in pain -- are self centered. On top of that, they feel a strong sense of entitlement to things you freely give them. That is, you are giving them things that, in their minds, were owed to them to begin with -- because they are always thinking of themselves as victims and thus are seeking (if not expecting) just compensation.
I know I'm going to get advice to do marriage counseling.
Not from me. If your W has strong BPD traits, MC likely will be a total waste of time and money. A BPDer has damage to her emotional core -- damage that has been there since early childhood. That cannot be fixed by learning how to better communicate. Moreover, MCs typically have only a masters degree and are not properly trained to identify, much less treat, a personality disorder like BPD. Indeed, even a psychologist will be useless if your W does not have a strong desire to follow his guidance.
As to your repeated efforts to sooth her by walking on eggshells or trying to discover what you are doing wrong, that is a waste of time also. And, as to your plan to tweak your behavior and observe changes in her behavior, that will have little effect. The best you can do is to learn how to be more validating of her feelings. That will buy you a small improvement, perhaps.
Yet, no matter what you do or say, an untreated BPDer will never trust or believe you. She will never stop being controlling and verbally abusive. She will never stop the endless testing. She will never stop treating you like a perpetrator (blaming you for every misfortune) so she can keep feeling like the eternal victim. And, because she has little sense of who she really is, she will never be emotionally stable. All those changes would require years of individual therapy with a professional who specializes in treating BPDers. And, from what you say, your W has no intention of starting it, much less finishing it.
She does weird things like get in my face, block my path, try and charge through me.
My BPD exW did that too. Many times she would chase me from room to room. As I got older over the 15 years, my body chemistry changed to where I would get anxious or nervous more easily. The result was that I pushed her back off of me on three occasions, which is something you don't want to do to a 60 year old woman because they can easily trip. The third time she did fall backwards. She wasn't hurt but she did call the police and have me arrested for "brutalizing" her -- giving her time to obtain a restraining order so she could live in my home rent-free for 18 months, the time needed to obtain a divorce decree in this state. As the years go by, it is common for BPDers to become increasingly resentful of their spouse for not being able to make them happy. And they may become increasingly fearful of abandonment as they watch their good looks fade away. So it is common, a therapist said, for BPDers to abandon the spouse at about 15 years. At that point, they split him black permanently.
I have wondered about BPD before. ... When I read about it she definitely has some of the symptoms but then others she doesn't.
Keep in mind that, even when the BPD traits fall short of the diagnostic level, it would still be very unpleasant trying to live with that person. Moreover, the diagnostic criteria only require the presence of five traits, not all nine. A high functioning BPDer, for example, typically does not have a strong trait of self destructive behavior like cutting or suicide attempts. In addition, most folks suffering from a PD do not fall into one PD category. Instead, they typically have traits of two. Significantly, the ten PDs do not constitute ten different illnesses. Instead, they are simply categorical devices that make it easier to describe the behavior a person is exhibiting. Hence, all ten PDs may be manifestations of the same underlying illness. Finally, BPD is somewhat of an "umbrella disorder" that includes traits of many other PDs. Indeed, the proposed new Diagnostic Manual includes NPD and AvPD together with BPD in a broad category called "Borderline Type."
The important issue, then, is not whether your W has BPD traits but, rather, whether she has strong traits of any PD. If she does, she is damaged at her emotional core. So marriage counseling is not going to fix it. Pills will not fix it. Your tweaking of your own behavior will not fix it. And, because she has no desire to work on this serious problem, it simply will not be fixed at all.
Sadly, that is true for the vast majority of people with PDs, particularly for those with strong BPD traits. In order to learn how to control the illness, they must have sufficiently strong egos to be willing to let go of "being a victim" so they can start taking responsibility for their own actions. The vast majority of them are too fearful to do that. If you would like to read more about a BPDer's behavior, Eagleclaw, I suggest you check out my post in Gladiator's thread at
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...nhappy-violent-depressed-wife.html#post186216. And I would be glad to suggest online articles if you are interested. Meanwhile, Caregiver, start taking better care of yourself. You deserve it.