[RandomDude]

EDIT: Thanks guys for your help, please let this thread die

My STBX (Soon to be ex) and I are more stable now compared to the whirlpool that we were in since D-day. We've re-established communication channels, plans and routines, and now we can focus on ourselves and rebuilding our relationship even if it means we can only be friends. During this time, I've promised her not to step out, until we can be certain if we are reconciliable or not.

However, today for some reason, I could not stop longing for physical intimacy. I was going to go camping in the middle of nowhere to clear my mind but it was p-ssing down with rain and crap. As I got home I realised it was more than just a desire for sex, it was a desire to just hold someone. I wonder if I really shot myself in the foot by making that promise. Now my wife did give me the impression that she's still up for intimacy, but I don't want to sabotage this seperation process by sleeping with her.

And at the same time I don't want to break my promise to her, so for now, other women are out of the question. I just wonder what I should do... thoughts?

 

[22years]

Talk to her about it
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[arbitrator]

"Intimacy" and "Sexuality" are two vastly separate things! While you can certainly handle the physiological sexual release for yourself on your own, you cannot do so with the intimacy factor!

That's why I would seriously have to rank "intimacy" with a woman as being so much more higher than "sexuality!" With rare exception, sexuality works so much better when there is the presence heartfelt intimacy between two loving people!

 

[Chris Taylor]

Where are you in the divorce process?

If it is inevitable, why should you promise to remain celibate? My wife and I decided to separate last year but for financial reasons we had to wait. She asked that I not have sex with anyone else. I initially agreed, but then told her that it was unreasonable for me to remain celibate when she had asked for us to wait before we split. Suddenly she re-thought the whole idea of splitting up.

If you are intent on divorcing there is no reason why you shouldn't be looking for intimacy (unless you are still having sex with your STBX). Just don't get into a rebound relationship.

 

[RandomDude]

Talk to her about it
Posted via Mobile Device

I fear tempting her into using that against me =/
I don't fully trust her yet, despite the progress I guess...

"Intimacy" and "Sexuality" are two vastly separate things! While you can certainly handle the physiological sexual release for yourself on your own, you cannot do so with the intimacy factor!

That's why I would seriously have to rank "intimacy" with a woman as being so much more higher than "sexuality!" With rare exception, sexuality works so much better when there is the presence heartfelt intimacy between two loving people!

Yes, and it seems to be becoming a problem. Masturbation doesn't help at all in this case, it sucks...

Where are you in the divorce process?

If it is inevitable, why should you promise to remain celibate? My wife and I decided to separate last year but for financial reasons we had to wait. She asked that I not have sex with anyone else. I initially agreed, but then told her that it was unreasonable for me to remain celibate when she had asked for us to wait before we split. Suddenly she re-thought the whole idea of splitting up.

If you are intent on divorcing there is no reason why you shouldn't be looking for intimacy (unless you are still having sex with your STBX). Just don't get into a rebound relationship.

We're seperated and that's it, we have to wait a year before divorce anyway - laws here. Divorce or not is a decision we're not making at the moment, she broke after I told her that I'm not staying celibate (looks like it happened in your case too), and has asked to give us a chance. Before all this she also mentioned that if I wanted sex I could just ask her but as I mentioned - I'm worried about the consequences if I do it.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Divorce or not is a decision we're not making at the moment, she broke after I told her that I'm not staying celibate (looks like it happened in your case too), and has asked to give us a chance. Before all this she also mentioned that if I wanted sex I could just ask her but as I mentioned - I'm worried about the consequences if I do it.

As further background in my situation, I believed my wife wanted to delay so that I would get used to and accept living in the "roommate" situation.

So here's your chance. You have a myriad of issues that need to be resolved and it sounds like she's willing to try to make the marriage work. Put some conditions on it:

Resumption of an intimate sexual relationship.

Counseling for both of you.

Deadline to see improvement in the relationship.

If she isn't willing to work in these guidelines, go on the assumption she isn't willing to work on the marriage.

 

[RandomDude]

Well, we are both doing counselling now, and she is doing it willingly without any complaints at the moment - compared to when we were living together - she complained non-stop, she expressed that she has realised that our dynamics were whacked and that she has issues to work through. Also, the most obvious deadline is 1 year, but for now a 3-6 month seperation is in order at least. Is that long enough? Too short?

She seems willing to work on our marriage, but I just wonder if resumption of an intimate sexual relationship will damage our ability to work on ourselves and hence make us worse off - that's just what I'm worried about.

 

[Cee Paul]

My STBX (Soon to be ex) and I are more stable now compared to the whirlpool that we were in since D-day. We've re-established communication channels, plans and routines, and now we can focus on ourselves and rebuilding our relationship even if it means we can only be friends. During this time, I've promised her not to step out, until we can be certain if we are reconciliable or not.

However, today for some reason, I could not stop longing for physical intimacy. I was going to go camping in the middle of nowhere to clear my mind but it was p-ssing down with rain and crap. As I got home I realised it was more than just a desire for sex, it was a desire to just hold someone. I wonder if I really shot myself in the foot by making that promise. Now my wife did give me the impression that she's still up for intimacy, but I don't want to sabotage this seperation process by sleeping with her.

And at the same time I don't want to break my promise to her, so for now, other women are out of the question. I just wonder what I should do... thoughts?

I'm in the same boat where we haven't been intimate since last February and we're inching towards a seperation or a divorce, and I will not cheat on her but I am definitely longing for some TLC and a good hot night of love making, but she has made this abundantly clear that for now..........it ain't happening. So if we split one of the reasons will be because a man gets tired of spanking it to porn and needs something - REAL.

 

[Chris Taylor]

She seems willing to work on our marriage, but I just wonder if resumption of an intimate sexual relationship will damage our ability to work on ourselves and hence make us worse off - that's just what I'm worried about.

The only problem I can see is that either of you interpret sexual activity as a sign that everything is OK.

If you see sexual activity as "intimacy", I think you may be fooling yourself thinking it can just be sex.

If you are going to have sex, make some clear boundaries regarding sleepovers, monogamy and continued therapy.

 

[RandomDude]

I'm in the same boat where we haven't been intimate since last February and we're inching towards a seperation or a divorce, and I will not cheat on her but I am definitely longing for some TLC and a good hot night of love making, but she has made this abundantly clear that for now..........it ain't happening. So if we split one of the reasons will be because a man gets tired of spanking it to porn and needs something - REAL.

Since February? Hell you have much more restraint than me!!! It's only been a month or so and I'm already going out of my mind lol
You're right, spanking it doesn't work forever to rid of the cravings. You start to long for companionship. I truly admire those who can stay loyal to their wives despite sexless marriages, they have become my inspiration during this whole ordeal.

The only problem I can see is that either of you interpret sexual activity as a sign that everything is OK.

Yes! Exactly! That's exactly what I'm afraid of!

If you see sexual activity as "intimacy", I think you may be fooling yourself thinking it can just be sex.

If you are going to have sex, make some clear boundaries regarding sleepovers, monogamy and continued therapy.

Alright, I think I'll have a meetup with my STBX about the idea, and see what she thinks. So far here are the boundaries I'm going to propose:

- I'll continue to stay loyal to her, and she with me
- Seperation and distance is still a must, no moving back until we are confident there will be no more toxic BS
- Counselling is still a must, we can not rely on each other to fix our marriage and ourselves alone
- No using sex as a bargaining chip/excuse - e.g. no "We're good now, we are having sex, our problems are over!"

What you think?
Actually I'm thinking I'd better review this with my IC first, and she as well with hers!

 

[Chris Taylor]

Probably a good idea bouncing it off the therapists.

 

[RandomDude]

Aye, better to have a green light with them first, alright, going to see what happens today. It's going to be ironic if my wife rejects me today, perfect time for "payback's a *****", but if she does have that attitude, then it's obvious that we DEFINITELY aren't ready for anything! Heh