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It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this board. I went through a divorce years ago and this board helped me out going through that rough time in my life. I’ve been happily remarried for over seven years to my current wife but there’s something I’m really struggling with concerning her past.

I am 39 years old and she’s 35 years old. Sometime around the time that she was 23 or 24 years old she went to Las Vegas with a group of girlfriends. This was years before I ever met her.

When we first met she told me that on a Las Vegas trip of hers with friends she had the best sex of her life with some random hook up that she met there. At the time of her telling me this we had not begun dating. This was mentioned in a group setting with other mutual friends at the time and I believe she just said this to story top somebody else.

At this time we both had been eyeing one another and I think we had decided without saying that we would begin dating and we did.

The story she told about the Las Vegas hook up is something that was kept in the back of my mind but never really bothered me. We all have our past and this is something that was in her past and certainly before I ever knew her. I have my own past as well just as she does and this has never been something that had bothered me until recently.

Some of her girlfriends brought up the trip to Las Vegas in the last few weeks or so and that brought that memory of mine and her “experience” while she was there during the trip.

I have started to have major retroactive jealousy issues about this one event my wife had years ago. I’m not sure what has spurred this happening but it’s this one event is eating at me and I can’t get past it at the moment. I’ve met her former boyfriend who she dated for a number of years before me and nothing about him makes me feel the way that I feel about this one hook up of hers.

After debating about how to handle this for a few weeks I finally brought it to her attention that it’s bothering me. I’m not sure if I should’ve done this or not but I did. I let her know that it’s been eating at me and that I think it has to do with the fact she said it was the best sex of her life at the time. She assured me that she actually said that because in the group setting when she told about this story years ago that’s what she was “supposed to say“ to an event like that. She actually said she hated it she said and it disgusted her that she did something like that and I do believe her (not that it should matter because this was before I knew her but again this is the whole point of this post that it’s bothering me when it shouldn’t).

So I have let this one event basically eat at me at the beginning, middle, and end of each day in my life for the last few weeks. I brought it to her attention to try to figure out a way to get some closure and to get rid of this stupid retroactive jealousy that I have over this moment in her life before I knew her.

She mentioned something to me about the event that actually made it much worse for me. She said that the guy was 45 years old or so, at the time she was In her early 20s or so.

Now all of a sudden my entire mental replay of everything that happened back then has changed and I have replaced some younger guy near her age with an older pervert who is taking advantage of a young girl at the time and this has made my mind replay of the event so much worse.

I want to paint a full picture of how this situation has been for me so perhaps you can make any helpful advice easier to provide. I don’t know what to do in the situation, I guess I can probably just eventually stuff it in the back of my mind and let it go but it will probably always come back and eat at me for the rest of time if I do that. Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance to all of those who can offer any help.
 

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The only thing I can say is this. She LIED about it at the time and was creeped out and felt bad about it.
THINK about that. She didn't tell the truth so you are obsessing over an un-true story.
Retroactive jealousy is a very hard thing to deal with -- completely irrational and very hard to counteract with logic.
I think @Sfort has done some research into this.

I also wonder if you can look into EMDR therapy -- it may help you move past this.
 

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I do believe that a woman’s sexual past matters and absolutely impacts marriage relationship, so I’m typically not one to advise disregarding a woman’s sexual past.

In this case, let it go. She had a hookup on a girls trip in Vegas when she was young. It happens. She had sex with other people before you, some were good and some probably not. He was 45, so what. Lots of young women dig older guys.
Is it the sort of thing you want to hear or think about, no. But unless it was part of a broader pattern that you’re uncomfortable with, you’re creating a problem where there isn’t one.
 

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first of al what she did before she met you has nothing to do with who she is today ,
some people can not handle that they are not the biggest or the best or go on for hours
then there are others that like to know every dirty detail of their wife's past and get turned on by it , but the big word in all this is it is her Past
are you saying that a girl that makes one mistake in her life time has to pay for that all her life
even a woman that at one stage was a prostitute can be a super wife and mother

Maybe a lot of people. Maybe in wild, kinky ways that you thought only happened in the most secret clubs in Bangkok. Maybe they lived in Bangkok. In any case, if you want to be involved with this person, it's your responsibility to get over it. it is you that has built this up in your head and it is only you that can get over it ,

Think if you want to keep this woman in your life you will need to get help from an expert as you have let this eat away at you for to long and now it is a cancer are you going to let this kill your relationship or get past it ,

I bet you have something in your past that you did that you are not proud of
 

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Find something else to obsess about. Is there something in your life that is making you feel less than and you're looking to pin it on your wife? Are you experiencing the 7 year itch?
 

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is it getting on your mind because of your own performance in bed , because if it is if your wife is not complaining it is not a problem for her
 

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It seems odd that she would lie about it and then deny she meant what she said, but as others have said you have to find a way of moving past it.
Has she ever given you cause to think she isn't happy with your sex together?
 

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No one here really understands RJ. It is a thankfully rare and elusive mental issue. If you want, I'll try to post some thoughts, or you're welcome to PM me. These threads don't go well in TAM.
 
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No one here really understands RJ. It is a thankfully rare and elusive mental issue. If you want, I'll try to post some thoughts, or you're welcome to PM me. These threads don't go well in TAM.
Honestly I think it's because folks really DO try to help -- by using logic. Jealousy and esp. retroactive jealousy are completely IRRATIONAL and don't respond well to logic. You KNOW, but it doesn't alleviate the feelings, which really sucks for those affilcted. Jealousy really is (almost always) a self-induced torture.
 

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Honestly I think it's because folks really DO try to help -- by using logic. Jealousy and esp. retroactive jealousy are completely IRRATIONAL and don't respond well to logic. You KNOW, but it doesn't alleviate the feelings, which really sucks for those affilcted. Jealousy really is (almost always) a self-induced torture.
If a man was a virgin when they met and she had had many partners it would seem more understandable. When he also has had many partners it seems highly hypocritical.
 

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If a man was a virgin when they met and she had had many partners it would seem more understandable. When he also has had many partners it seems highly hypocritical.
Which means (respectfully) that you don't understand it. RJ is only in the afflicted person's mind. It has nothing to do with being understandable or hypocritical.
 
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I understand partner past sex life really bugging you and sometimes jealous. But you need to realize you are over 38? At that point that age has history of sex life in the past unless you be with someone who never actually have an history of sex life.

Some how some point need to drop off and tell her that she doesn't need to talk about again or story of sexully life she has before. And just move on.
She is with you that's all that matters.

But the way she says that she had best sex in Las Vegas that sounds to me trash.
And I won't like either if my partner has that past.
 

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Your problem isn't retroactive jealousy. Your problem is that you married the type of girl that brags to her friends about banging strange old dudes on Vegas vacations. Not much you can do about that other than just accept your decision and hope it bothers you less over time.
 

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The Vegas crap should be a no go conversation wise. Your wife needs to inform her friends that talking about previous debauchery in the company of current spouses is pretty goddamned stupid.

The rest is more than likely image issues you have personally.

You were attracted to her initially despite already knowing about her Vegas boinking.

It obviously didn't hinder your attraction for her and you two obviously had enough going on to marry. That is no small accomplishment.

It probably wouldn't hurt for you to get some professional help to examine exactly where your problem is. It might not be RJ.

Your wife is probably not exactly enjoying her past right now either and could probably use some reassurance that she is acceptable to you.

A lot of men don't understand just how vulnerable a woman actually is regarding her past and how it might affect current security and affection.

She obviously values you and the love, security and affection you provide to a magnitude more than a bragging story, stupidly told in the spirit of sharing dumb experiences.

She married you dude. Unless she is a fringe nutjob, that is commitment.

Does she exhibit signs of instability or narcissistic tendencies or psychosis?

If she is otherwise stable, loving and supportive and you are satisfied with her, just set some boundaries about stupid conversations with friends and trust her.
 

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I have replaced some younger guy near her age with an older pervert who is taking advantage of a young girl
Massive eye roll Dude. She met an older man that she was attracted to and they had a good time. Stop with the "poor defenseless girl" routine. This is not an unusual circumstance and it doesn't make the guy a monster.
 
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If a man was a virgin when they met and she had had many partners it would seem more understandable. When he also has had many partners it seems highly hypocritical.
You are trying to make this logical and make it into a character issue. RJ is neither logical nor an issue of character. It is a snafu in the wiring that is not logical and is not a character flaw.

Being hypocritical would be the playa' that picks up chicks at bar but as conscious choice would only marry a virgin or someone with a low count of legit relationships and no hook ups. The hypocrite bangs chicks casually but has disdain for chicks that hook up casually.

This situation isn't that at all. This is not a choice on his part and he understands how irrational and nonsensical his feelings are. But he is being troubled by it nonetheless.
 

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BC3,

What you don't mention is how sexual or not your W is with you now, are you feeling disappointed in that way?

Did you have the talk about past partners before you got married.

Does she still keep in touch with past partners or in a social circle that does.

There are certain things if my W admitted to doing pre-marriage would seriously make me think about divorce, so I get what you are feeling.
 

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Your wife's friends didn't do either of you any favors by talking about this. If casual sex wasn't a regular thing on her part I would imagine that most people's spouses have more skeletons in their closet than you do.

Open question, how do people get over jealousy of their partner's past?
 
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