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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I read all of the stories about those who have a wonderful long term marriage & I am in awe of them.
We have been married 25 years today & it has been a hard slog. We have been committed for the last few months to turning this around to be a fantastic marriage that we want to be in.

The issue I have now, is do you other long term married folks still have arguments? Hubby & I do argue on occasion, probably a couple of times a month & sometimes during this time I want to walk out & forget about him. Thus far I haven't, but do other couples who have wonderful, romantic times have arguments?

I really want to make this marriage work until one of us does die, preferably not at the hands of the other.
 

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We rarely argue...maybe a couple times a year. We have disagreements but we have learned (over 40 years) how to communicate our differences without it leading to an argument. Do a google on "fighting fair."

To be sure, there are times we get annoyed with each other, but it passes quickly and usually humorously. I can still make her laugh at me:)
 

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We argue..and to be honest, it's always started by me... he probably doesn't even deserve it and I did this more when my hormones were in overdrive...PMS was throwing me for a loop. Every 28 days I would get irritable & run with something- that would slide off of me the rest of the month. (It was hit or miss, I skipped a few months too).

I guess I like a little conflict now & then. But we always make up quickly (within hours)..and we're back in each others arms... the sun is shining again.


We also don't leave each others side.... if I try to leave him alone, if I slam a door in a hot moment....I am so miserable, I am basically worthless to anyone ....my heart is on my sleeve.....I end up marching right back to him - which he's admitted he LOVES this weakness in me...I tell him how pathetic I am, I can't even stay away...I can see the corner of a :) on his face, sometimes this gets us laughing...breaking the tension.. ....then we talk deeply....we listen...we own our our faults....we forgive....This always leads to some great Make up sex.

I've always felt if a couple doesn't fight once in a while, they can't possibly be communicating honesty.

And for every conflict we have...we've always been able to
about it afterwards... this may sound strange I suppose, just shows how stupid some of our fights are.....some of these top some of our funniest moments ever.

Yet...we learn something of value -by digging a little deeper on some issue or contention...so it's been a good thing -reaching to more vulnerability with each other even...

I'd never think a little conflict is a bad thing...so long as a couple continues to yield to each other ...passionate to working it out -no matter what...however long it takes, cause your marriage & being together is worth it all.
 

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We also don't leave each others side.... if I try to leave him alone, if I slam a door in a hot moment....I am so miserable, I am basically worthless to anyone ....my heart is on my sleeve.....I end up marching right back to him - which he's admitted he LOVES this weakness in me...I tell him how pathetic I am, I can't even stay away...I can see the corner of a :) on his face, sometimes this gets us laughing...breaking the tension.. ....then we talk deeply....we listen...we own our our faults....we forgive....This always leads to some great Make up sex.

I've always felt if a couple doesn't fight once in a while, they can't possibly be communicating honesty.
I just gotta say...I LOVE your posts!!! You guys must be fun to be around. Yours is a different dynamic than our relationship and it just shows how we can all handle things differently and yet remain strong in our relationship.
 
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We rarely argue either and we've been married 21 years. I'd say a couple of times a year. Our disagreements are usually solved within minutes.

Now back in the day I LOVED to pick fights and argue. I was addicted to the drama and had mental/hormonal issues. This was totally on me. Now that I've fixed these things I'm calm and we're just this quiet, low key couple now.
 

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I just gotta say...I LOVE your posts!!! You guys must be fun to be around. Yours is a different dynamic than our relationship and it just shows how we can all handle things differently and yet remain strong in our relationship.
Yes, couples are all different...it's good to know what works for you & works well.

We've been told we're a little crazy...but in a entertaining way.... our best guy friend described our dynamics once.. saying I was like ..."a cup of Hot tabasco sauce" and my husband is ...the "Perfectly timed non-chalant dry humored saltine cracker”.
We do have FUN with it...
 

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we argue and fight all the time. the thing that works for us is right fighting, and sometimes we just bark for no reason. not everything has to be a point, or even made a point.

and just because, we disagree, dosent mean we dont love each other. sometimes we are saying the same thing, just different wording, and if one of us just takes a step back, and lets it go cooler heads can come back to the subject later.

we dont have to agree with everything, at the same time, and screaming at someone to listen to you, usually has the exact opposite reaction. its good to set rules for disagreements, such as, you cant understand their point of view, or i think we are saying the same things, we are going around in circles...so, lets side bar this and come back in a few hours or a couple of days.

we have been barking for about 20 or so minutes, and i have thought to my self, what the fvck is this about?, why do i care?, so i have said out loud, babe, im sorry, i cant for the life of me remember why i disagreed with you, i cant see why this is continuing....lets just both agree, and move on with life.

of course understanding our spouse love languages helps. sometimes we as humans just b!tch about sh!t, and want someone to be there, it takes a eye for body language, and tone or pitch in voice. sometimes we snap, and its not intentional....so take in body language, and tone and if its just frustrations from life, and not take every rise in voice as a challenge.
 

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We argue..and to be honest, it's always started by me....
I am also guilty of the same.
We hardly argue, but when we argue its almost always started by me.
I get pissed about something going wrong in the business and I start to argue.

The funny thing is that I hardly get pissed about anything in our relationship....

But one thing I'm glad for is that if we argue now , five minutes after we are back to normal talking and laughing, poking fun at each other.

Whenever we argue, if she thinks I'm going overboard she usually tells me
" stop acting like a jackass ! "
I translate it to mean that she fed up of my arguments and time to stop and discuss, not argue about the problem.
[ Funny how that works !]
 

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I am also guilty of the same.
We hardly argue, but when we argue its almost always started by me.
I get pissed about something going wrong in the business and I start to argue.
The more dominant personalities will fall short here....It is one of our weaknesses....we get frustrated easier, we are more demanding of things running smoothly...... I know, for us, our opposite temperaments are a blessing.

But one thing I'm glad for is that if we argue now , five minutes after we are back to normal talking and laughing, poking fun at each other.
Yes..and this is so very healthy CB....that you can do this in minutes.

Since my hormones have calmed ....so has my picking little cat fights...I gave him more grief over wanting him to UP the aggression in bed - than anything I can think of. My 1st threads here ~ about this...just something I was going through... it passed.

There was a time in our marriage, we didn't fight much at all... but we weren't as passionately affectionate either... he would come home from work, I'd be doing MY thing (I used to spend time on Christian & Parenting forums).... I had the kids in bed with us... I was basically taking him for granted and HE DIDN'T cause an uproar about it ....and ya know... HE SHOULD HAVE.... he needed to ALERT me to the subtle "apathy" we were allowing to come between us....darn him - he had a right to be
....I was caught up in Mommy mode....and he wanted more but stuffed it down.

Never forget this 1 fight we had.... Great memories...


I was on top of him naked (I recommend fighting in the buff).....had his hands pinned down....telling him exactly what I wanted him to DO to me... I was kinda pi$$ed / growling at him....he lets me go on.....then he says to me so calm & controlled........ "You're not going to like this... but you are turning me on"... I looked down... and well.....hmmmm... yeah... that just brought a huge :D to my face .....End of fight !! Something utterly ridiculous like that is kinda normal for us...

Whenever we argue, if she thinks I'm going overboard she usually tells me
" stop acting like a jackass ! "
When I get that way, he'll look at me and say... "I know what you need...You need laid" ... once he told me I needed a cage with duct tape over my mouth
.... I loved that ! :rofl: He makes fun of me....and this so often defuses me...that's why he is so good for me.
 

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He makes fun of me....and this so often defuses me...that's why he is so good for me.
YES, YES!
same with us!
She sometimes makes fun of me when I'm getting too upset over insignificant stuff,
and somehow I start to laugh at myself...

That's why I always say that she's a good woman.
After all she puts up with my sometimes foolishness.
 

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YES, YES!
same with us!
She sometimes makes fun of me when I'm getting too upset over insignificant stuff,
and somehow I start to laugh at myself...

That's why I always say that she's a good woman.
After all she puts up with my sometimes foolishness.
And can you imagine IF your wife was uptight & didn't do that, show that lighthearted side of herself ... or My husband was an aloof ogre or mean spirited back to me....you know as well as I....this would only escalate our irritation....

Yes, some things in life are worth PURE GOLD.
 

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The issue I have now, is do you other long term married folks still have arguments? Hubby & I do argue on occasion, probably a couple of times a month & sometimes during this time I want to walk out & forget about him. Thus far I haven't, but do other couples who have wonderful, romantic times have arguments?

I really want to make this marriage work until one of us does die, preferably not at the hands of the other.
We argue. I think it's healthy to argue so long as it's not every single day or several times a week. I read in John Gottman's book about the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that arguments are normal and natural amongst those with long-term marriages. He surveyed hundres of happily married couples and found that most of them do argue. It's how they resolve their disagreements that matter. And when they argue, they don't resort to contempt, belittling and stonewalling. Sometimes when people say they don't ever have arguments, it sounds great, but they may be stuffing their resentments and seething inside, keeping score instead of bringing the issues to the forefront. That's a worse problem than having some conflict now and then.

We don't have knock down, drag-out fights where one of us storms out of the house and we don't talk for days. We have arguments where we've gone to bed angry with each other. I'm not a believer in "don't go to bed angry." Sometimes you need to get your sleep, it's too late to keep talking, plus in the morning, you can address the issue with a cooler frame of mind.
The good thing about our disagreements is we usually reach a compromise or one of us will say something that's an inside joke between us, and it breaks the tension. We have a good laugh then we figure out a way to resolve whatever the issue is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
99.9% of our fights are started by H making a comment about money. He stresses about money because he runs his own business. I react to what he says & then it is on.

We don't argue about our relationship, we can talk about that easily, we don't argue about the kids, the house or anything like that.

When we do have a big fight, we will usually each go to our respective corners, have a sulk for a while, apologize (normally him, he is wrong far more often than me..) and then get on with life. It just unsettles me for a while after a fight because we have a history with him being a fWH.
 

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99.9% of our fights are started by H making a comment about money. He stresses about money because he runs his own business. I react to what he says & then it is on.

We don't argue about our relationship, we can talk about that easily, we don't argue about the kids, the house or anything like that.
Same here with me.
Sometimes the pressure of running the business gets really tough. Money is not the problem its deadlines, and other logistics.

For eg;
She's supposed to travel for a vacation mid next month. She asked me to go to the bank to purchase $US dollars for her. I haven't found the time as yet because I would have to get in line. My contact at the bank is on vacation, so it will take sometime.
I know she's getting anxious.
Lets say she decides to give me a gentle reminder and at that very same point, I just came off the phone with an unhappy client who's complaining and threatening. Then I may very well snap back at her and the argument starts.

What I try to do is pay attention and attend to these " little things " before they escalate into something worse , that is often tangential in relation to the original issue.

But whenever we argue I feel bad inside because I know that she's trying her best.
So I always make it my duty to make up for it.

We hardly argue about the relationship.
 

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Do we still argue? Not like we used to. She threw her engagement ring at me and I held it for a week back in the day. Scared the crap out of her. My roommate said we weren't compatible and shouldn't get married at all. That ingratiated him to my wife about as well as you'd expect.

When first married, I had to remind her that her period did not imply open season on beating me up about everything, and I've had my share of issues with a volatile temper (never violent, just loud).

Today, if we're going to fight, it will likely be about sex. That one has never really gone away completely, but I think it's on the way out finally. We had a fight just this week about family - which is unusual for us.

There's a couple of days of detente, some vaguely muttered apologies, and life goes on in the knowledge that a little tiff now and then isn't going to threaten our marriage.
 

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We've been working on/improving our communication. When we first got together, I was a door slammer. He made it clear that wasn't the way to be with him. He found it disrespectful. I thought his request was reasonable and I haven't slammed a door since. As time went on, I started really choosing what I'd bother speaking up about, opting for being (what I thought was) laid-back. I've since discovered it was really a form of apathy/detaching. He also didn't speak up about certain things that annoyed him and this unfolded unhealthily to aspects of our relationship. I now hear more when he's annoyed with me. It's healthy and allows us both more insight to each others perspective. Strange how this is an adjustment.

We set boundaries early on. We try to keep on topic, we don't say nasty things to one another. We talk it out. That's the healthier version of us and we're a work in progress.

Otherwise, we have occasional silly moments of tension but they're not arguments. Like last night, we were making the bed together, putting on new sheets and duvet cover. I was doing the duvet and he started telling me how to do it. I looked at him confused and annoyed, "I do know how to make a bed ya know!" He said something about me not being able to do the duvet cover. Shocked and prickly, because I make the bed most of the time, I told him, "No, it's just the blue fitted sheet I can't get. It shrunk and I can't pull it over the corners of the mattress properly." (haha, I know, but it's true). I then told him that I taught him the duvet cover technique when we first moved in together. We then stupidly had back and forth conversation about this, getting agitated with the other lol. Him telling me he doesn't know how I think these things, when he was living alone before we met. Then me reality-checking that..... he had a mattress on the floor and I'm not sure he even had sheets. Yes, obviously we were tackling the big issues at this point lol.

Which led to him cheekily describing his living set-up before we met and how independent he was. I reminded him he didn't have a duvet, I think he had a sleeping bag. Then I was being cheeky and asked, hmm what did I see in you..no duvet? (we'd finished the bed and were now in the kitchen). He replied, "Let me take you back to the bedroom and remind you what you saw in me."

mrow.
 
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Hey Bellavista,

As a marriage counselor in Denver, Colorado I can tell you that I have seen couples who have been married for 30+ years and they're still trying to figure it out how to make it work. There are lots out there just like you.

One thing I wanted to mention was just because you still argue, doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. In fact, I wrote an article about why fighting can be good in your relationship . The most important thing is to decide whether your fighting is personally tolerable to you or not. In other words, don't judge your relationship by some perceived standard of normal or by what your friends relationships look like. Your relationship happiness is yours and no one else's. Make sure you're happy within your relationship. If you want o see a counselor, then you're the one who makes that decision. Don't let anyone else tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't go see one.

Hope this helps.
 
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I can count the arguments my wife and I have had in our 17 year marriage on one hand. I have always thought it was odd that we don't fight and argue like many others. We are both even tempered, and try to listen to each other. We do disagree on a few things now and then, but have never had a shouting match nor have we ever walked out on each other. Maybe we are weird?
 

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I can count the arguments my wife and I have had in our 17 year marriage on one hand. I have always thought it was odd that we don't fight and argue like many others. We are both even tempered, and try to listen to each other. We do disagree on a few things now and then, but have never had a shouting match nor have we ever walked out on each other. Maybe we are weird?
I don't think you are weird. ;)
You sound like my husband and me. I too can count on my hands the number of shouting type of arguments we've had in some 20 years together. There's only 1 really big fight in which I lost my temper in a bad way. We are both very even tempered people who don't get mad at each other easily. It's just luck that I found someone who is as slow to anger as I am. Don't get me wrong, he can annoy me and vice versa and we disagree on a number of topics, but it's rare we have heated arguments, silent treatment, door slamming and curse words.
 
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