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Ok so I'm 28 and my bf is 33. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and have a 4 yr old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship that he takes great care of. We live together and do everything that married couples do. I'm ready to get married and he says he wants to marry me, but has never wanted to get married (makes no sense to me). Marriage just doesn't excite him (his words). He said he may have a phobia of marriage and keeps bringing up all the negative things about it, like divorce and feeling regret if it doesn't work out. We got in a huge argument about it today on Thanksgiving of all days. I love him deeply and I know that he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he feels the same, just minus the marriage part. It's so frustrating because he flip flops back and forth between wanting to do it and not wanting to do it. Any advice for me and how to cope with this?
 

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He's stuck between doing the noble thing for the family (what he feels is "right") versus all the other things that scare the crap out of most men when faced with commitment.

I must say though, if he were to propose, I'd think he should've done it by now.

Don't push it. It's likely not your fault. He's got cold feet, and you can't be too critical of it if he's a good man to you. But then again, ask yourself, what do you want and how important is it to the relationship?

Good luck.
 

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Ok so I'm 28 and my bf is 33. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and have a 4 yr old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship that he takes great care of. We live together and do everything that married couples do. I'm ready to get married and he says he wants to marry me, but has never wanted to get married (makes no sense to me). Marriage just doesn't excite him (his words). He said he may have a phobia of marriage and keeps bringing up all the negative things about it, like divorce and feeling regret if it doesn't work out. We got in a huge argument about it today on Thanksgiving of all days. I love him deeply and I know that he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he feels the same, just minus the marriage part. It's so frustrating because he flip flops back and forth between wanting to do it and not wanting to do it. Any advice for me and how to cope with this?
"he says he wants to marry me, but has never wanted to get married" means he thinks you are marriage material, but he isn't ready to get married.

Why do YOU want to get married? Is it because marriage is 'the next step' in relationships? Is it because you want more commitment? Is it because you want to 'seal the deal?'

If he isnt ready , then he just isnt ready. If you're both happy
as you are, then what does marriage add/change?

What's most important, is that you have a reason that's solid within yourself, why you want to get married.
 

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Two kids, 5 years and no marriage.

It's probably not going to happen. He already has a 'wife' and family.
 

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You are good enough to be the mother of his child but not to marry him?

I can understand why not being married can cause a lot of issues and for you to feel unstable, like he won't fully commit.

Yes 50% of marriages may end in divorce but far more defacto couples split up each year.

I personally would be reconsidering a relationship to man who wasn't fully committed to me.
 

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You are good enough to be the mother of his child but not to marry him?

I can understand why not being married can cause a lot of issues and for you to feel unstable, like he won't fully commit.

Yes 50% of marriages may end in divorce but far more defacto couples split up each year.

I personally would be reconsidering a relationship to man who wasn't fully committed to me.
I personally would be reconsidering marriage in this day and age. One wonders why women are the ones to pursue marriage so aggressively, yet a majority of divorces are initiated by them. Marriage sets a man up to get screwed on the legal and financial fronts.
 

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I personally would be reconsidering marriage in this day and age. One wonders why women are the ones to pursue marriage so aggressively, yet a majority of divorces are initiated by them. Marriage sets a man up to get screwed on the legal and financial fronts.
Yes, I have seen a lot of these types of guys, they walk away and take no financial responsibility for their own children. Then the woman is left being a single mom trying to do it ALL and ends up the taxpayers foot the bill.

While these guys are out looking for another girl that is carefree because she has no responsibilities yet the new girls body hasn't been through having a couple of kids and still has her girly shape.

I have seen this happen many times
 

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I personally would be reconsidering marriage in this day and age. One wonders why women are the ones to pursue marriage so aggressively, yet a majority of divorces are initiated by them. Marriage sets a man up to get screwed on the legal and financial fronts.
I disagree.

Stats show that women are the ones who are left with majority child care and more likely to end up living in poverty due to career sacrifices for children and so forth.

Women should be careful who the marry. (As should men for various reasons).

If they stay married they die earlier and are more likely to more housework, childcare and still end up working full time.

Men are better off in marriage as they usually get a housekeeper and a person who will look after their children.

There are some women who don't fit this bill, but that's not a majority.

Moreover women don't like to be married to bitter and cynical men.
 

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Yes, I have seen a lot of these types of guys, they walk away and take no financial responsibility for their own children. Then the woman is left being a single mom trying to do it ALL and ends up the taxpayers foot the bill.

While these guys are out looking for another girl that is carefree because she has no responsibilities yet the new girls body hasn't been through having a couple of kids and still has her girly shape.

I have seen this happen many times
Stop idealizing the great single mother or women in general and thinking of all men as *******s or the like. This is what has led to the state of the society today. You've seen those kind of women. Well I've seen men who have to fight tooth and nail just so they can visit their children once or twice a month. Men who pay child support for children that aren't theirs.

You want a real solution to this problem? Rescind all the anti male laws. All of them. Stop fleecing men in divorce court. Stop portraying your everyday man as a variant of Homer Simpson. Stop scapegoating men for each and every problem that arises in society.

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And you wonder why the new age man fears commitment?

Simple answer. He isn't protected by the law. What set marriages of 50 years ago ago from the marriages today
was that it was a legal contract that couldn't be made void without a reason. A legal fabric that provided both security to the couple on a financial basis as well as on a social basis.

Now you have your No Fault where anyone can initiate divorce for absolutely no reason. She might cheat on him and still get everything he worked for. You do realize how bad a position it is for anyone to be in, right?

My advice is for men to hold off on marriage till they've achieved their dreams and goals in life.
 

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I disagree.

Stats show that women are the ones who are left with majority child care and more likely to end up living in poverty due to career sacrifices for children and so forth.

Women should be careful who the marry. (As should men for various reasons).

If they stay married they die earlier and are more likely to more housework, childcare and still end up working full time.

Men are better off in marriage as they usually get a housekeeper and a person who will look after their children.

There are some women who don't fit this bill, but that's not a majority.

Please do show us the stats.

Moreover women don't like to be married to bitter and cynical men.
So let them divorce and milk the bitter and cynical man dry. Why stay married when, as you said the women die earlier?

Men with money can afford a housekeeper and committed fathers love nothing more than taking care of their children. If push comes to shove hire a nanny to do that. If all I wanted was a housekeeper or a babysitter, I would definitely have not married. And if the woman resents the role of housekeeper or a mother, she is not fit to be married IMO.
 

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Please do show us the stats.


So let them divorce and milk the bitter and cynical man dry. Why stay married when, as you said the women die earlier?

Men with money can afford a housekeeper and committed fathers love nothing more than taking care of their children. If push comes to shove hire a nanny to do that. If all I wanted was a housekeeper or a babysitter, I would definitely have not married. And if the woman resents the role of housekeeper or a mother, she is not fit to be married IMO.
HUH? So when a woman marries it's to be a housekeeper? Really? She has to like being a housekeeper?
 

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Men with money can afford a housekeeper and committed fathers love nothing more than taking care of their children. If push comes to shove hire a nanny to do that. If all I wanted was a housekeeper or a babysitter, I would definitely have not married. And if the woman resents the role of housekeeper or a mother, she is not fit to be married IMO.
Most married men do not have money and thus cannot afford a housekeeper.

Little Deer was not talking about committed fathers. Too many women stupidly hook up with and have children with men who are not committed fathers.
 

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HUH? So when a woman marries it's to be a housekeeper? Really? She has to like being a housekeeper?
She doesn't need to resent being in that role. After all she's keeping house for the people she loves or claims to love. Do you resent the housework?

Do you think that a man resents providing for his children or his wife? We don't have to like our jobs, certainly. I love my job but even if I were to hate it I would still do it if it ensured that my family lived in relative comfort.

But then again I grew up watching my parents struggle hard to keep us floating financially at least, but they still gave me and my siblings a good family life and a lot of happiness during my childhood. And I didn't see either my mother or father complaining about the work they had. So I suppose its only fair that I looked for a spouse who was on the same page as me regarding family and life in general.
 

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Little Deer was not talking about committed fathers. Too many women stupidly hook up with and have children with men who are not committed fathers.
Whose fault was that then?

Little Deer was not even talking about fathers. She was talking about men who were in committed relationships but refused to marry the women they were committed to.

Doesn't the very fact that the OP's boyfriend loves all of her children and plays an active role in taking care of them show that he is a committed father?

To the OP, how would a marriage improve how you are as a couple? How would each of you benefit from marriage? Do you think your boyfriend is the kind who hops from bed to bed?
Finally, do want the wedding to fulfill a fantasy or do you want a happy life with your boyfriend sans the marriage?

These are the questions the both of you need to ask yourselves before making a decision.
 

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Simple answer. He isn't protected by the law. What set marriages of 50 years ago ago from the marriages today was that it was a legal contract that couldn't be made void without a reason. A legal fabric that provided both security to the couple on a financial basis as well as on a social basis.
But these laws also forced people, mostly women, to stay in marriages where they were abused. The laws basically say that a person does not have the right to make up their own mind if there are huge problems in their marriage. Do you know how hard it is to prove abuse?

There are good things and bad things about the old laws and the new laws.

Now you have your No Fault where anyone can initiate divorce for absolutely no reason. She might cheat on him and still get everything he worked for. You do realize how bad a position it is for anyone to be in, right?
Divorce laws do not give women everything ‘he’ worked for. Each party gets 50% of the accumulated assets.

Today between 63%-77% (depending on age) of all all women work outside the home. Don’t assume that only the man worked outside the home for their assets.

Women who are SAHMs are not leaches. They bring value to the marriage by taking care of the home and raising children. Your outlook that everything the couple built and accumulated is only his and that only he worked for it is false. She did too. A SAHM, if she does what she should be doing, works are a$$ off 12 and more hours a day.. often 7 days a week.

Why would any woman ever agree to marry, have children and stay at home as a SAHM if the laws did not offer her protection financially?
 

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Little Deer was not even talking about fathers. She was talking about men who were in committed relationships but refused to marry the women they were committed to.

Doesn't the very fact that the OP's boyfriend loves all of her children and plays an active role in taking care of them show that he is a committed father?
If they won't marry them, they are NOT committed. End of story. They're just still attracted to the situation more than to any other possibilities.

He's getting the milk for free, and has the option of jumping into the next attractive bed for fresher milk. This is NOT "committed", it is the precise opposite of committed. It is opportunistic indulgence.
 

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Whose fault was that then?
A woman who hooks up with a guy who ends up a dead beat dad is at fault for choosing him.

The dead beat dad is at fault for being a dead beat dad. She’s has no blame for him being a low life.
Little Deer was not even talking about fathers. She was talking about men who were in committed relationships but refused to marry the women they were committed to.
I believe that the following is talking about fathers… fathers who are deadbeats.. do not help out with child care and/or financial support for the children.
Stats show that women are the ones who are left with majority child care and more likely to end up living in poverty due to career sacrifices for children and so forth.
Finally, do want the wedding to fulfill a fantasy or do you want a happy life with your boyfriend sans the marriage?
Marriage is not about a wedding to fulfill a fantasy. Marriage has benefits that single life and co-habitation do not. There are tax benefits. There are share assets. Inheritance laws, etc. etc. there is the emotional benefit of forming a legal union … making the parties feel safer.
 
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