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A little background information: We are both in our early 20's, and live at home with our parents. However, it is a long distance relationship--I live in Tennessee, and he in Illinois. I graduate with my degree this December, and had plans to move there to start my career/our life together after leaving our parent's. We met on World of Warcraft about 2 years ago, while I was dating someone else. For about a year we played together everyday, and had so much fun talking to eachother/being geeks. One day around mid-December 2011, I realized I missed him when I was away from the game, and wondered if he ever thought about me too. One thing led to another, and I came to see him to meet for the first time January 2012 (this year).

I have never loved someone this hard before. When I think about how much I love him, I could melt and/or explode. I'm not inexperienced either, I've had three other LONG term (1+ year) relationships (in person, not long distance) and none of them were even in the same galaxy as this. He has made me re-think if I ever even loved my past boyfriends, or knew what love was. We saw eachother for about 2 weeks (I am a full time student, so my schedule was flexible; I'd come see him for long periods of time because he had work, I did not) at a time every 3 weeks to a month, max. Honestly, we saw eachother a LOT for a long distance relationship. In the beginning, the weeks would fly by and not a single fighting word would come out of our mouths. Not one, we never fought--ever. We were in complete and total bliss. I really wish I could reinforce this: we were in total bliss, absolutely enamored with eachother. Not to mention, our sex is scorching hot--the best I've ever had and I've been with around ten people. Once again, he blows them out of the water. We have sex about twice a day, sometimes even more when I'm in town. We keep it up even during the longer trips (sometimes over a month long) with no sign of slowing down--I doubt the sex would slow down even if I lived there.

Trust issues began to pop up. One afternoon after sex, I touched him and laughed at how small he was since he wasn't rearing to go anymore. He took this in the TOTALLY wrong way, I was just commenting on how different it looks when it's soft. It was a dumb thing for me to say, but ever since we fight all the time about how I think he is small. I do not think his manhood is lacking at all, but we have fought for months over this and I ABSOLUTELY cannot get him to believe I think otherwise. About four months ago, I was raped--I went over to a male friend's house thinking there was a party/social event going on, and once I arrived no one was there. The guy raped me, but I didn't file a police report, I did go to the hospital, no STD's, and no pregnancy. I decided not to tell him about this because I knew he would be enraged I was over there in the first place. About 2 weeks ago, I was at his house asleep, and he listened to some of my deleted voicemails. He listened to a voicemail from a friend telling me he's so sorry about what happened, and what I should do, etc. and obviously wanted to know what in the hell the voicemail was about. He reacted the way I thought he would, and told me I put myself in that situation and "of course the guy 'raped' you, you came over on a Saturday night, he thought he was getting laid." He flips back and forth between claiming I wasn't raped at all and it was consentual, I cheated on him, and I deserved to be raped/it was my fault because I went over there. Either way, the rape combined with the comment I made about his manhood have utterly destroyed our relationship.

The sweet man I once knew now calls me a *****, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't know if all this is going on because he doesn't know how to handle the emotions finding out about the rape bring, or what, but it is terrible. We fight all day long, then make up for about 12-24 hours, then he thinks about the rape and gets enraged all over again and we break up. He recently told me he needed a break and has actually stuck to it--we haven't gotten back together in three days. I am the most suicidal/miserable I've ever been.

My family members and friends dislike him because they don't understand the back and forth quality of the relationship, but I don't think they understand what the rape has done to our relationship. Rape is a serious, life changing issue and it has DEFINITELY thrown our cloud-9 relationship into the roughest seas I've ever known. I feel like I'm going to die without him, and all of my hopes and dreams (graduate school, working, obtaining my degree) seem obsolete when he isn't a part of the picture.

How do I fix this? Do I give him the space he wants and stop texting him pathetic things and groveling? But I almost want him so bad I'm willing to eat **** and grovel all over the floor for him--I literally cannot imagine my life without him. I am an adult and have felt heartbreak before, and this blows everything I've ever thought "pain" felt like out of the universe. I feel as if had I never made that comment about his penis, and never gone to that friend's house that night, or sometimes never even been friends with the friend who left the voicemail on my phone (I think about what I did wrong that much), none of this would be happening. Our relationship was PERFECT. We were MADLY in love, had the most amazing sex I've ever had, were so kind to eachother, living in a total dream with goals and desires for eachother, and now everything has fallen apart and turned into a nightmare. What do I do?
 

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The sweet man I once knew now calls me a *****, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me.

You need to dump this guy STAT. HE is emotionally and verbally abusive. Someone that cares about you doesn't call you names, call you disgusting and tells you he hates you and hopes you die.



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The sweet man I once knew now calls me a *****, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me.

You need to dump this guy STAT. HE is emotionally and verbally abusive. Someone that cares about you doesn't call you names, call you disgusting and tells you he hates you and hopes you die.
But I feel somewhat at fault.. I really shouldn't have been at that guy's house. If I had been being a good long distance girlfriend, I would have been at home being content with my laptop and TV. I feel like all of this is my fault, and he is having an impossibly hard time dealing with finding out about the rape. I also think it hurts him that I didn't tell him and instead chose to tell my friends.. Am I wrong here? Was I totally off my rocker for trying to keep the rape private from my significant other? Does he have substantial reason to be angry with me for "putting myself in that situation"? If he is so terrible for me, why do I feel as if my life is over without him? I do not want to wait five years to love like this again. He has changed my entire life.
 

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It's not your fault. Seriously. You need to put that out of your mind. But really, if you love this man, you should have told him. Finding out the way he did makes it look like you were hiding it. So he has mixed emotions. He pissed that it happened, and part of him wonders if you were cheating. It's hard to reconcile, why you didn't tell him if it wasn't cheating.

And the small unit thing....ya, I think you know now that is a sensitive issue for many guys. If he's insecure about that, then the memory of your comment is not going to go away easily.

Personally, I think that you should go to the police and press charges on the rape. That will show your boyfriend that it truly was rape and the fact is, it's the right thing to do. Who knows how many other women he's done or going to do this to. If it only happened 4 months ago, you're well within the statute of limitations.
 

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the "hot and crazy" feelings - You're in Lust.
If he is not supportive of what happened to you - you should get out. Don't walk, but run.

Those sparked feelings are not real love.
Real love is built over trust and respect. Just because he provides steam in the sack doesnt qualify for him being good in a healthy relatioship. Take out the sex and what do you have?
Can you get some counseling? I would strongly suggest it.

The way you have explained him - he's sounds abusive.
 

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You really need to focus on you right now. You need to heal yourself to get through what happened to you. Go to counseling, learn how to get through it, you won't get over it, but through it.

I was raped by my friend's older brother while I was spending the night at her house. I was 14 at the time, I never told ANYONE until 6 years later when my H and I got together. He was the first and only person I've told and his reaction was similar... Why didn't you scream, fight, etc. This was a lack of maturity (he was 18 at the time) and understanding. I was so embarassed, humiliated, felt so guitly doing the what if's... I have always felt this way deep inside, it is a demon that I continue to fight and I'm exhausted. I am just now at 40 years old seeing how much this and other sexual abuse from earlier years has screwed up my life.

I am looking for a therapist that specializes in this area but having difficulty because I'm from a very small town. PLEASE do not follow down the road alone, don't minimize what happened to you and think it hasn't changed you as a person. You may not think it has now, but I promise you ... it has.

Focus on you... if it's truly the love you say it is, it will make it through this, if not then at least you know and you will be better in the end... Take care...
 

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Dakota, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with JellyBeans and the others that you should stay away from your BF. The behaviors you describe -- strong trust issues, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, irrational anger, jealousy, and flipping from adoring you to hating you in ten seconds -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

It is common for the courtship period with a BPDer to begin, as your R did, like gangbusters -- with fireworks and the greatest sex you've ever had -- and with both of you being absolutely convinced you've met your soul mate.

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most sound very familiar. Although only a professional can determine whether a person has full blown BPD, spotting the red flags is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as strong verbal abuse, rapid transitions from Jekyll to Hyde, and inability to trust. My post is located at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Dakota.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Thank you so much, each and every one of you. I want to reply to each of you individually.

WorkingOnMe, I did not tell him about the rape because (as someone else who replied said) rape is extremely embarrassing and full of guilt. It is a demon that has to be dealt with on its own. Although I could press charges, the guy denies it ever happened.. how am I going to realistically put him in jail? It is my word versus his word. Although it happened, there isn't any way to prove it. Rape is the #1 most under reported crime in the country, many sociologists believe OVER 50% of rapes are never reported. That is incredible. It's because of the shame, guilt, lack of ability to prosecute. I would have rather dealt with it my own way, than go through the humility of reliving the encounter in a public courtroom in front of my rapist, for him to more than likely not get convicted anyways. I felt guilt. I didn't tell my boyfriend because I shouldn't have asked this guy about this supposed party he was having. I knew the moment it happened I deserved it and this was my fault. I knew as soon as it happened, my boyfriend would blame me. I hid it because I felt like a cheater.

Readytogo, even without the sex, when the good times are good they are amazing. We laugh and have fun in ways I never have with anyone in my past, and I am a "steady freddy" -- always jumping from relationship to relationship. I know this is an issue of my own, but I am someone who felt they knew what love was. Since he is the one who showed me feelings more intense than anything I ever felt--even during the lust/infatuation phase of past relationships--I am left thinking I simply didn't know what love was. Because I jumped from relationship to relationship, I was always out looking for love.. I dated the first person to show interest in me after the death of my last relationship. This man I found randomly, in a mutual and very strong interest (gaming). I fell in love with him when I wasn't trying; I honestly do believe I didn't know what love was and he has both shown me and taken it away from me.

Lovingsummer, I just went to a therapist yesterday to deal with some of my hopeless, lonely, suicidal thoughts. She wanted me to be hospitalized--and like you--focused more on the destruction of what the rape had done, versus my boyfriend. I went in there crying and wailing about being alone for the rest of my life, but my therapist put heavy emphasis on how much rape changes someone forever. I think you are right--I just don't know how much it has yet. Although I resent my rapist and feel incredible shame for what happened, I feel much more pain related to the rape because it cost me my boyfriend. Although I'll never know, I feel as if had my boyfriend handled the rape in a "Oh my God, I'm so sorry" type of way instead of "Oh my God, you're a *****!" type of way, I might be able to deal with it just fine. However, like I said, my boyfriend didn't react that way so I'll never know if I could have dealt with it the rest of my life. My therapist certainly didn't think so.

Uptown, your link was incredibly helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to type such a detailed response--even if it was for someone else's situation. My boyfriend has many of those qualities, however he also lacks several as well. I have wondered in the past if he was bipolar, or had some other type of personality disorder. I have no doubt he has an anger problem. Some of the similar traits that stick out the most to me are the way he flips and flops, but especially how he just "makes up" things I have said or totally changes something I said to make it mean anything to use against me. When we fight, he will take things I've said in the past and completely change the meaning or sometimes the wording itself and use it against me. For example, he says "You probably ****ed that guy because my **** is so little" and "maybe if I were bigger you wouldn't be a *****." I have told him a THOUSAND times I don't think his ERECT penis is small (and he really isn't in all sincerity, that is what makes this so ridiculous, he is probably one of the bigger I've been with--how does he not know he isn't small?) but he won't listen to me. He continues to use that comment against me and manipulate it whichever way he wants in order to belittle me about being raped. I constantly am walking on very, very delicate egg shells. I feel as if I am tip-toeing around in the dark, fumbling for the light switch in a room I've never been in before. However, he does recognize the good times were good.. and still can be good. When we have a good day, we are amazing. I can't describe it, we are just so incredibly in love. When things are bad, however, it is as if all the wonderful memories we had are gone. Like the poster in your link said--99 wonderful moments in a week are overshadowed by 1 mistake--1 thing I said that set him off. It's always things I say that send him over the edge. I recently reactivated my Facebook, and he did not like that at all, and we got into it about that as well.

Satya, I will admit both of us are serious gamers. I probably play the game for 4-5 hours a day, as I go to school full time and maintain a 3.9 cumulative GPA (that is the goodness of my parents allowing me to not have to work during college). I wake up, go to school, come home, and play from around 7-8 until midnight or so. He, however, probably plays 8 hours a day at the minimum. I can't say I haven't gone through binge phases where I played that much either. However, he only works part time and has an associate's degree.. I don't understand it. He is definitely addicted to the game. He wakes up around 11 am, plays until he goes to work at 5pm, gets off at 9 pm, runs home to get on and plays until 2 or 3 in the morning. However, I love this game as well and if I had the free time I'd probably play that much too (as shameful as it is to admit) so we never have any words about how much time he spends on the game. I did nag about not working full time when he is done with school, so he showed some effort and picked up another shift at work. He still works part time, however.



To all of you and anyone else who hasn't replied and is just lurking: I feel as if this man is the one because I wasn't searching for love when I found him. I maintained a sincere, talk everyday type of friendship with him for over a year when I had never even met him. That takes some serious mental connection, even if it is unhealthy. My past boyfriends were simply the first people to show interest in me after my last relationship ended; the first people that stepped in to "fill the void." When I found him I wasn't trying to fill a void. I slowly fell in love with him over the course of a year, and by the time I came to meet him I was swept off the planet. This may sound terrible--but he also introduced me to drugs that have completely changed my life as well. I took mdma, or ecstasy, with him for the first time at a dubstep concert and the way the drug makes you feel literally changes your emotions and outlook on life. I would describe "rolling" with a significant other considerably life changing. It is an experience. Using this drug with him at numerous different concerts--feeling the overwhelming ecstasy and timeless, eternal love for him--leave memories that chain me. Memories so sweet I'm not even sure I care if he abuses me, I just want him. If he killed me tomorrow, I probably wouldn't mind.. he has a hold that strong.
 

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I have wondered in the past if he was bipolar, or had some other type of personality disorder.
Dakota, perhaps he is bipolar. But that is not what you are describing. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found ten clear differences between the two disorders.

One difference is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between mania and depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and hating you. Significantly, you mention nothing at all about mania or depression occurring. Instead, you describe a man who flips back and forth between loving you deeply and hating you deeply.

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums occurring.

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe seems consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior and strong verbal abuse.

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which seems consistent with your description. As you say, "I have no doubt he has an anger problem."

An eight difference is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

A ninth difference is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations -- which seems consistent with the way your BF is so convinced you believe him to be small, nevermine that you never intended to imply that and have explained it countless times. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings, as seems to occur when your BF started arguments over things you never ever said. In his mind, however, he was convinced you had said them.

Finally, a tenth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves.

Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will. Significantly, you describe a man who is unable to trust you when you are making a joke -- and when you've been raped.

I therefore suggest you take a look at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. Again, if that description rings a bell, I would be glad to point you to other good online resources.
 

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It's not your fault. Seriously. You need to put that out of your mind. But really, if you love this man, you should have told him. Finding out the way he did makes it look like you were hiding it. So he has mixed emotions. He pissed that it happened, and part of him wonders if you were cheating. It's hard to reconcile, why you didn't tell him if it wasn't cheating.

And the small unit thing....ya, I think you know now that is a sensitive issue for many guys. If he's insecure about that, then the memory of your comment is not going to go away easily.

Personally, I think that you should go to the police and press charges on the rape. That will show your boyfriend that it truly was rape and the fact is, it's the right thing to do. Who knows how many other women he's done or going to do this to. If it only happened 4 months ago, you're well within the statute of limitations.
:iagree: :iagree:

If you don't press charges your BF will think it was consensual
 
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Who gives a f* what her boyfriend thinks? The guy is a total skeeze and classic abuser.

It's hard enough to deal with the trauma of rape--on top of that you've got your boyfriend saying he hopes you'll day and dogging you instead of showing his support. He lacks empathy. Because he's a jerk.

Cut him loose and get help to deal with what happened to you.

It's not your fault you were raped. Your boyfriend's comments are not your fault.

It sounds like you have low self-esteem. Get into therapy stat before you keep chasing after men who treat you like this guy and keep putting up with it. It's not ok at all for him to talk to you that way. Got it? I'm sure your university offers some type of counselling service free to you. Utilize it.



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You are right about that. It applies only if she wants to stay.

All comments about him are well founded
 

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I agree again.

You and I would leave but what does she want to do?
 

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I read somewhere on this site, I can't remember who posted it, that there is a difference between personality and character. You fall in love with someone's personality but it is their character that makes the relationship successful or unsuccessful.

Your boyfriend has shown you he has a bad character. He is distrustful, unsupportive, misogynistic and cruel.

Be thankful you found this out before you married him or had children with him. Keep going to therapy. Believe your friends, they care about you and can see things more clearly right now.
 

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Listen to the experienced people here. I believe they are right. Your bf sounds like he suffers from BPD and he will cause you incredible pain. The sooner you "withdraw" from him the better off you will be. It takes time and you need your friends and family support.

I believe what is making this extra hard for you is the rape. Like another poster said, this is affecting you more than you realize. Probably why you are feeling suicidal right now. It is extremely hard to go through rape as it is much less have someone tell you it's your fault. It happened to me too. I was suicidal. I didn't know a person could hurt so much emotionally...i literally felt like I was going to die from emotional pain. You MUST get into counseling and stick with it.

As far as pressing charges, the best thing is maybe he will be embarrassed by getting arrested...but he probably won't be indicted because there is no evidence. Sadly, justice can only be had at a very high price for the victim. When my youngest was 10 years old, she was raped by her 16 year old step brother when staying at her dad's for the summer. We put her in counseling, but the counseler said it was just too hard for her to stand up to a trial. Would do more harm to her.....

Get into counseling fast...and stay with it. You have a lot of trauma to deal with and if you don't deal with it, it will haunt you. No one is worth you losing your sanity or your life over. Also, remember, when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. The price you are going to pay to be with him will be too high..It may even kill you.
 

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I really needed you guys tonight, but in my tears and mania I couldn't get my login information correct and instead had a break down all by myself. I have never came so close to suicide. We were on great speaking terms today, and things got rough out of the middle of no where at the end of night because I didn't hang out with a friend of mine. He says our relationship is "busted" because I have no friends and only stays home if he does. In actuality, I stayed home because I was simply tired.

I become upset again about the entire break up, and am talking very seriously about suicide and how I can't handle how cruel he is. He tells me I am crazy, annoying, and wants me out of his life forever. Which only added to the breakdown I was going through. How can someone I love so much tell me these things? I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am crazy.. Maybe he is right? Maybe I am the one who ruined everything because I simply cared too much, cried too much, became too depressed over the break up. He obviously isn't hurting the same way as me. But what pushed me over the edge tonight were my threats of suicide--and his care free, "shut up, you are so annoying and this is why I want you out of my life" responses. If anyone I cared about were in a place as dark as I am right now, these would be the LAST things I'd say to someone.

Am I crazy for wanting to die over this? The saddest part is, he doesn't take me seriously... I wouldn't be surprised if I am gone in a few days. The pain is unimaginable. Am I just too emotional? Do I care too much? Does talking about suicide automatically make me crazy? Am I just as bad for him as he is for me?
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Am I crazy for wanting to die over this?
Dakota, you are not describing "crazy" but, rather, confusion and severe depression. That is one reason all respondants here have been urging you to see a therapist (ideally, a psychologist) as soon as possible. It is pointless for you to be suffering so painfully when there is a world of help out there. Depression is very well understood by the psychiatric profession and they will greatly help you.
I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am crazy.. Maybe he is right?
No, he is not right. "Crazy" means that a person's perception of physical reality is distorted, with the result that he may believe the news anchor on TV is speaking personally to him -- and may believe that planes flying overhead are spying on him.

If you've been dating a BPDer for two years, "feeling like you are going crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling. Of the several dozen mental disorders in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the partners and spouses feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists see far more of those partners and spouses seeking therapy (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Indeed, this "crazy making" effect of BPDers is so well known that the ex-partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. His objective is to get her institutionalized so he can run off with her family jewels. Toward that end, he does things to make her doubt her sanity. One of his tricks is to turn the house gas lights down a tiny bit further every day, all the while claiming he can see and read just fine.

Importantly, I do not know whether your BF has strong BPD traits. I've never even met the man. I am confident, however, that you can spot the red flags if you take time to read about it. That's why I encouraged you to do so. Your very first objective, however, should be to see a psychologist ASAP so you can obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. On top of your difficulties with your BF, you are struggling with the trauma of the rape experience. Yet, if you are still feeling strongly suicidal, Dakota, your very first objective should be to call 911 or go to a hospital Emergency Room. Severe depression is very treatable.
 

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Dakota... the following is what I wrote on a post regarding a man's wife feeling suicidal... please know that the light is there, I promise you that it is there. You may not be able to imagine the "rest of your life" without this person right now. You may have have to live minute by minute, hour by hour until you can work up to day by day. But you are worth living, you deserve to live, the people who actually do love you deserve to have you in their life.

I'm not sure if you have depression or not and whether you've ever had to deal with it... But people with depression (or maybe it's just me) can not see light at the end of the tunnel when they are feeling so low. The light (things in life to look forward to, enjoy, live for) just isn't there, it is dark and it is scary because you feel so alone. You feel like no matter how hard you try to claw and scratch your way out of the hole to find the light, you just slide back down into the darkness. After doing this repeatedly, your emotions start convincing you that it can't be done and just give up. But her heart says no, you have a family that you love, you can't leave them like this. So she's asking you to take the pills away in case her emotions start winning the battle.

This guy is pushing you further into your darkness... You are not crazy, you are hurt, betrayed, confused, etc. and your emotions are taking over. If you can't get into a therapist right away, go to your doctor and tell them what you've been through and how you've been feeling. Don't be alone right now, you may not feel like being around people but being alone allows your mind to whirl into dark thoughts. Hang in there, even if it's with white knuckles...
 

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I believe your trauma has caused you severe depression. You have to realize that is what is talking here...it's not you. You are going to feel better. You do not need to be alone feeling this bad. Be with a family member or close friend and yes, have them take you to the ER for treatment. This is when depression is the most dangerous.
 
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