Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 3 of 3 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My husband and I have been together for over 9 years (2.5 of them married) We didn't live together before we were married and he lived at home with his family. He was very dependent on his family. I knew marriage would be difficult at first for him because he would have to do things on his own - except he really doesn't do anything on his own.

I cook, clean, pay the bills, do laundry, run errands, grocery shop, take care our pet, etc. I am looking for work after a layoff so I don't mind doing all the housework, but he never offers to help. That could be overlooked if he would appreciate me.

He comes home from work, sit in front of the tv and waits for his dinner to be handed to him and then stay in front of the tv until bedtime. He never talks to me about my day, what's new with home of family issues, etc. Every time I try to talk I bother him - I can't wait even wait to talk to him on a commercial break because he will watch two shows at once.

If that weren't enough all he does is call me names and put be down. I'm dumb, stupid, and so many four letter names I obviously can't post here, but let me say they are hurtful and I wouldn't call people I hate these names.

He also says that I forced him into the marriage. I once told him after six years of dating that I wanted him to decide if this was a relationship that was headed towards engagement or if he wanted to see other people first to see what he really wanted - he took this as I forced him to marry me apparently which is not true, just what I thought as a reasonable question after six years.

I do everything for him. I'm college educated like him, I work hard to pick up odds and ends jobs until I find a full-time job again. I get up early and go to bed late. Everything is about him - his friends, family, tv shows, movies, stores, etc.

I am a patient, kind, understanding person but I am beginning to hate him. Before we were married he would have his moments like anyone else - no one is perfect - but not like this.

I'm religious and don't believe in divorce. However he won't go to talk to anyone because he says there's nothing wrong. I try to talk and tell him how I feel, he blames it on everything but himself. I don't think he cares how much I am hurting by the things he says and does and how much I am ignored by him. No matter what I do, it's never right, he's never happy. He tells me he loves me, but none of his actions say love. I feel like I could not come home for days and he would only notice when he needed something done. I really don't know what to do...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
851 Posts
It sounds to me as if you need to find a way to get through to him. Not sure how you do that but perhaps try to think of an approach that is different to what he is used.

I remember a story from someone I met once. He could not get his boss to listen to him so he sat on his lap. That got his attention! Not saying that is your answer, just an illustration of how someone came up with a different approach which, in his case, worked.

Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
I am a patient, kind, understanding person but I am beginning to hate him. Before we were married he would have his moments like anyone else - no one is perfect - but not like this.

I'm religious and don't believe in divorce. However he won't go to talk to anyone because he says there's nothing wrong.
You forgot to add "codependent" to your list of your qualities. You are enabling this man-child to treat you this way. He is absolutely correct that there is nothing wrong - in HIS life. But there is plenty wrong in yours, and it's up to YOU to fix that.

I encourage you to get to a Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) group or learn about the twelve steps used by Al-Anon. Even though he isn't an alcoholic, you're dealing with many of the same dynamics and learning how to take care of yourself while interacting with him will go a long way toward you having peace of mind.

As you learn to set boundaries and care for yourself, he is likely to escalate the verbal abusiveness in an attempt to get you back to being compliant and living by his rules.

If you do not take actions of your own, you'll wind up feeling betrayed and bitter, used and unappreciated, for as long as you decide not to divorce.

However, by learning how to stop catering to his needs when he doesn't deserve it, while also protecting yourself emotionally from his bad behaviors, you can restore a lot of peace and sanity to your life.
 
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top