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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 3.5 years. We got engaged at the end of last year, and are getting married next year. We both have good jobs with good incomes. My partners father has been living with us for the last one year. He works in a fly-in fly-out job so he has 2 weeks away and comes back for 1 week. It all started when he had come here for a holiday from a different state and he had not met his son (my partner) for the last 20 years atleast. He decided to move down as he now has a grandson (his daughter's son), and since their house is small, we agreed to have him at our place. We had gotten along really well when he came on holiday, but now he is living with us, things have changed drastically. It was okay in the beginning, but then things got really bad really fast. He has spent most of his life drifting from house to house, and then living in a caravan. Him and my MIL got divorced over 25 years ago, and since then he has never been in a relationship that has lasted more than 2 weeks. I know he is here only 1 week out of 3, but for a week before he comes, I physically feel ill just at the thought of him. We also have one of my best friends (a girl) living with us who is due to leave in the coming months, but she has her own life. My FIL goes to see his daughter and grandson when she needs him to baby sit or when she is free. The rest of the time, he just sits at home and watched you tube videos and X rated videos, waiting for my partner to come home. From the time we come home, to the time we get to bed, he is there, constantly. We cannot have a decent conversation as he pushes his ill informed opinion on us until we give up conversing with him around.
We had gone camping over Easter, my partner, FIL and myself. We had a few drinks and when my partner went away for a couple of minutes to explore, the FIL started talking about how he is impotent and even though the urge is there to find someone for that, he cannot do anything about it and so on. He is always talking about inappropriate things around me, and does the same to my partner about my friend who stays with us. He thinks that for some reason, my partner owes him something, and that I am his servant. He does not clean up after himself (including in the shower, toilet, kitchen, bedroom or lounge room), eats what I have cooked for my partner and myself (I offer because I feel bad not offering), then he wastes half the food saying its too fancy for him and dumps the dish in the sink, does not say thank you or anything, and just walks off! He treats my partner, his own son like he has no brains, and is forever trying to compete with him over silly things. The man has no friends and definitely no lady friends. His own daughter cannot live with him, even though he cleans up after himself at their place and gives them money, and I know he has said things about us because my sister in law wont talk properly to us anymore. The only good thing for us is that he pays rent, but we can afford to go without his rent money.
My partner is also fed up, but every time his father thinks we will ask him to leave, he manipulates my partner into feeling bad and sorry for him. I have no family here, my parents are overseas and all my friends have been so lovely, but they cannot understand why my partner is not asking him to leave. We are about to get married, this is our time to enjoy each other before we have kids and get busy, but with my FIL and his negativity, selfishness and being a completely useless man, it is quickly becoming too hard. I don't even consider him to be my father in law, to me, all he has done is be a sperm donor with no responsibility, yet he thinks that we all owe him something.

Please give me your thoughts on this matter. Is it normal for my partners father to talk about his impotence and other rude things with me? Is his selfishness and self important way acceptable, where he always knows better and thinks he can judge everyone? He is racist (my partner is Caucasian and I am Indian born in Africa), sexist and just plain rude and intolerant of everything and everyone, even his own little grandson (goes around calling him a little girl when he is crying, which shows how sexist he is too). Am I being unreasonable by wanting him out of our lives so my partner and I can breathe and stop arguing over it?
 

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Where did his father live before he moved in with you?

Maybe your partner can find a place that his father can rent and put down the first month's rent. He could probably find a small one-room apartment or room for rent. He might even be able to find a small trailer someplace that would work.


What do people who work in the same industry as your FIL normally do for a place to live when they travel?

My bet is that your partner is dealing with a lot of issues related to have his father back in his life after the man abandoned him for two decades. It's got to be a hard thing to deal with.

When your FIL talks inappropriately with you, just tell him that you are no interested in talking about that. If he continues just walk away and leave him alone.
 

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If your fiance can't stand up for himself or for you now, I imagine nothing will change once you are married.
Your beef with your FIL to be (although totally substantiated), should be directed more at fiance IMO. He needs to man up... Could you continue living this way if he is not prepared to do something about this situation?
 
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Here is some brain notes I took as I read your post.

Let me start off with "rule of thumb"

a) whenever you live with ANYONE, it causes problems. Just how it is "nature of things".

b) if you decide to have someone live with you (which I would NEVER recommend), you need to sit down with them and go over the rules/regulations AND responsibilities (both financial and chores). That's right, without any of that, you are setting yourself up for failure/being used.

c) you said his father wasn't around for 20 years? All of the sudden he appears? Ummm.....too late. Sorry, if you have 0 interest or take 0 part in my life as a parent......stay where you are, I don't even want you around.

I would never EVER overlook or accept an apology from a ****ty parent. If you are none existent in my life, that seals the deal. Simple as that.

Whenever you deal with or talk to ANY person, recognize and know EXACTLY where they stand in your life.

d) you said he does no chores/responsibilities/doesn't clean AND has a friend over that lives there too?

Let me ask you something: Are you and your SO completely out of your F"in mind?

e) and to top things off, you ALSO have another friend stay with you? WOW, talking about stacking up dominos against yourself and your relationship

f) he is constantly not doing anything AND disrespecting you ....AND being inappropriate?

g) you tell him to get out and he doesn't listen?

Seems to me, like you and your SO are complete push over and allow people take advantage of you completely.

Look, I can relate, I'm a nice guy and all. What I would suggest to you is to use your niceness as a "people **** filter". ANYONE in your life that tries to take advantage of your "niceness" should be identified IMMEDIATELY and dealt with FAST.

Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a second chance....but not third.

I completely separate myself from people that take my kindness for granted and use me.

Those my friend, are the WORST kind of people!!!

Good luck

And tell your boyfriend that the ONLY reason his father is around is because he YOU allowed him to take advantage of you guys. You take that away and tell him to go on his own and be a ****in MAN.....and watch him disappear for good (where he was for 20 years). Guy doesn't give a CRAP about his son (based on history/actions).....and is now using him to top things off.



PS. Do NOT let anyone move in or live with you with out agreement (rent/financial contribution/chores/responsibilities etc). Even then, you will notice that life is just NOT the same as it would be with just you and your SO...........just the nature of living with <insert anyone>.

As for dealing with people/people management. Anything that comes up needs to be dealt with RIGHT AWAY. Think of it like a snowball, longer you ignore it bigger the problem gets and bigger the hit at the bottom. DEAL WITH IT!!!!

I would recommend that you rid your house of ALL the people. It's hard enough to be in a relationship and deal with normal problems in a relationship that you and your boyfriend have.....why add to that with other people/drama etc?

Ohh HELL no
 

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I would agree with the others that the problem isn't your FIL. It's your partner. He needs to take the reins in the household and start evicting people.

Why would he let his father move in after not seeing him for 20 years? Why is his father not capable of having his own place; your post makes it sound like is only choice was either with his son or daughter. Unless you live in a REALLY small town (with like 3 houses in it), he had options. And I somehow suspect he's lived other places for the last 20 years...

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks guys, I have taken on board all that you have said. I have spoken to my partner, and he is going to get his father to move out. Unfortunately, he still feels like he owes his dad something, and it has taken me a lot of explaining and making him see that the man was a crap father and he will never change. He is selfish and he earns more than my partner and I combined, so money is not the issue. He has no friends, and no woman would date him as he has behavioural issues. He needs to suck the life out of others to be happy. I think he is jealous of my partner because he has a trade, he has a home and is in a respectful and loving relationship, whereas his father spent too much of his youth getting drunk and treating everyone else like they were dumb!
I am usually a very giving person, and have no problems with my housemate who has her own life and we hardly ever see her. But, I have now laid down and ultimatum, that either he tells his father to go, or I will. I was worried that if I make him go, it might hang over my head, and that one day I would have to hear how I made his father leave, but I am ready to accept that. that man is no father in my eyes.
 
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