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My husband and I just completed our first year of marriage. Until the week of our anniversary, I thought we had a very healthy and happy relationship. That week, I discovered my husband was lying to me about smoking, was addiction to drugs, and spent money we did not have. Although he is getting help with the presciption drug addiction, our marriage is still struggling.

When we first met years ago, we were both smokers. We decided that we would both quit before our wedding and start our lives together in a healthy way. I did not want to live that type of life style and made it very clear to him before we got married. We promised each other it would be out of our lives for good. I found it pretty easy to quit, but he had a very hard time with it. He finally quit and was doing ok, but admitting that he wished he was still a smoker. A few months later, we were blessed to discover that I was pregnant. My husband claimed that he had not been smoking, but I knew that he was smoking some. I never said anything because I thought he was still trying and not smoking often.

Also, I found pills one day in his pocket while doing laundry. I looked them up and discovered they were ultrams. I asked him about them and he claimed they were left over from a prescription he had for his neck and that is was bothering him again. During this time my parents started having their pain medication disappear. My husband is in the military and is drug tested often so I never put the two together.

Two weeks after the birth of our little girl we went on vacation. During this time was our one year anniversary. On our one year anniversary, I accidentally discovered his stash of cigarettes. When I asked him about it, he admitting to smoking a pack a day for the past 10 months. He said he lied to avoid fights with me. That is when I realized that the sweet things he was going out to do for me, such as running to the store to get me something during my pregnancy, was just him finding an excuse to get out and smoke. It really hurt to know that he was lying to me so much. I also discovered that he was paying for them with a credit card he had hidden from me just for cigarettes. The card had $2,000 on it. Since we are still newlyweds, we are already in great debt. He has multiple student loans and other debts we are already struggling each month to pay.

Also during this time, I discovered my pain medication I received after giving birth was missing. This is when I realized he was the one taking all of the pills. I was bad/sneaky and looked in his car and found empty bottles with his friends name on it. After asking him about the pills, he admitting that he did have a problem. I went to my dad for advise and he told me that he already knew. He had caught my husband stealing his pills and they had a long talk to try to deal with the problem. My dad promised him he would keep it a secret as long as they could continue talking about it and working on it.

Every time we have a talk about any of our issues or things he has done, he comes clean about something new, but later I always find out that the truth is always a little worse than he claims. For example, he said tramadol was the only pills he was taking, but come to find out he was taking much worse. I never got mad or lectured him about his addiction so I feel that he had no reason to lie to me about them. Now every time he comes to me with something, I already assume it's worse than what he is saying.

Since then, my husband has started attending meetings for the pills and is doing great with that so far. He told me he does not want to quit smoking. I know everyone says he can't quit until he is ready, but I feel that it is tearing out marriage apart. He claims that it only is because I let it. Simply, we cannot afford our bills, the new diaper expense, and a pack of cigarettes a day. Not to mention the health issues.

This experience has been so hard on me. I am trying to be supportive of him, but at times it can be very hard. We are trying to build back the trust in our relationship. He says he is trying to quit smoking again even though he doesn't want to. I am terrified that he is going to continue lying to me. I do get upset when he "accidentally" smokes, and am scared that because of this he is going to start lying about it again. I have always been an emotional person and cannot help getting upset at times... having a newborn baby in the house and lack of sleep does not help!

I do love him so much and I know that he loves me, but the trust is not there. I am scared that any time I voice my opinion on a matter he will just lie about it to avoid confrontation. I could really use some advise and encouragement .
 

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I just skimmed some of this and thought I'd share some info. Not all of it is directed at you.

That week, I discovered my husband was lying to me about smoking
Is it possible to switch him over to nicotine inhalers? I started using them after I started taking a prescription medication that made me crave cigarettes, which is weird because I've never been a smoker. A $50 box of nicotine inhalers is enough to last more than a year, and pretty much all research about the dangers of smoking are associated with the smoke itself. All kinds of smoke are bad. Most deaths in burning buildings are caused by smoke, not fire.

and spent money we did not have.
Dopamine stimulating drugs are known to cause manic spending and gambling sprees. This is why car dealerships always give free coffee. The caffeine indirectly boosts dopamine activity so customers are a little too optimistic when the salesman is selling stupid things like an extended warranty.


Although he is getting help with the presciption drug addiction
(speaking in general here) If it's something minor, then I don't see what the problem is. My life is a hell of a lot better now that I take lots of antidepressants. The only prescription drugs I would worry about are opioids, barbiturates, and benzodiazepines. Antidepressants have a weak tolerance, so things don't really get out of hand. Opioids, barbiturates, and benzos have a very strong tolerance. The body is able to quickly adjust to those so the dosage just keeps getting higher and higher to get the same effect. The withdrawal from those is unbelievable. Opioids are especially bad because the tolerance to the pain killing effect is stronger than the tolerance to respiratory depression. If a person is already on a high dose and they randomly take 2x as much, that might be the perfect amount to stop the pain but it's also the perfect amount to stop respiration and they die from it.



pain medication
Yikes. That's bad. I don't doubt that he has a real problem with pain since that's often how these problems start. Once that tolerance builds up, it can be a huge problem. I don't know what the solution is. Accupuncture is known to stimulate the body's own endorphins (endorphin literally means "internal morphine"), so that might be worth trying. Maybe google around to see what else releases endorphins since that's the body's own natural way of controlling pain. When a person is shot and they don't feel overwhelmed by pain, it's the endorphins that kill the pain.
 
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