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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm a 50-year-old divorced woman. When I dated before getting married, there was always the get-to-know-you phase. With some men it was relatively "shallow", for lack of a better term, as there were only one or two dates. With others, as things progressed, there was more deep discussion. Talking about things like where we grew up, our families, our personal and professional hopes for the future, etc.

Dating after being divorced, it's not that I don't care about those kinds of things - they just don't feel that important to me. I don't want to marry again. Part of me says, As long as I get to know this person well enough to know they aren't going to be detrimental or dangerous, I don't need to go into that much detail. I just want someone to spend time with, and not to sound morbid, to enjoy however much of my life is left. I don't feel the need to impress someone, or have them go overboard to impress me.

Getting divorced closed the book on that part of my life and I want to open a new one. This time it doesn't have to have a table of contents, an index, and an appendix - it can be the Cliff Notes version and I'd be happy with that. I'd really love to know if anyone else feels this way. Thanks for reading.
 

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When I was young I thought that I would get married and we'd grow together like my parents and grandparents. We'd share a lifetime of experiences. Our perspectives would mesh together as we shared those experiences. We would know everything about each other

Divorced in my 40s after a 20 year relationship it is different. It would be impossible to meet someone with all of the same shared experience. The perspectives that I have on things are much broader now than at 20 and I won't overlap with them as much because of this. Like you, I'm hoping to one day find someone that I can get along with and have fun with but I don't expect that it will be as close.

On the bright side, I doubt that I'll run into some of the expectations I had with my ex. I won't need to be Prince Charming that can finish their sentences and never says anything wrong or forgets anything. I can have faults and limitations without resulting in weeks or months of resentment. I wouldn't expect that someone in their 40s (or at least dating someone in their 40s) to think that they are going to mold me into the person they want me to be like my 18 year old girlfriend (and eventual fiancee and wife) did.
 

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I'm in my 60s and single.

With others, as things progressed, there was more deep discussion. Talking about things like where we grew up, our families, our personal and professional hopes for the future, etc.

Dating after being divorced, it's not that I don't care about those kinds of things - they just don't feel that important to me. .... I just want someone to spend time with, and not to sound morbid, to enjoy however much of my life is left.
No, I still want to have that deeper stuff. It's just that, at this age, I'd hope we can get there more quickly, less beating around the bushes. I don't have time for a "just spending time with" relationship, I'm really busy. If anything, the deeper stuff is more important now. I still have my table of contents and my appendix, not to mention my footnotes, and I don't want someone who's just a pamphlet.

Like you, I'm hoping to one day find someone that I can get along with and have fun with but I don't expect that it will be as close.
That seems sad. To me, younger people are the ones lacking in the capacity for depth and closeness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
This is my first foray on this site and its forums, so I hope I'm replying in the right way (not sure about the quotes).

My parents have been married for 55 years, which is what I was hoping to have. I was 28 when I got married but still hoped for longevity. My folks went through a lot - got married at 18, my dad went to Vietnam, my mom had several miscarriages before she had me, she's a cancer survivor, you name it. My dad worked for the same company for 45 years. You don't hear much of that these days.

The man I'm interested in is also divorced. He has 2 adult kids (I don't have any). It's not that I don't care about his past, I just feel like the more I know about it the more I'll have to tell him about mine and we may not be together that long so what's the point? The world is such a different place now. I don't expect him to fit the role of a husband - I had one of those and it didn't work out for me. I want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy. I think he might feel the same way.

It's really comforting to hear someone is on the same page as me, especially a male point of view. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I understand where you're coming from. As I said I'm 50, the man I'm interested in is just a few years younger, so we're not vapid twentysomethings who don't care about making a more profound connection. I suppose to each their own, as they say. I wish you the best in finding someone who can complete your life's novel.
 

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What you say, and what you want, and what happens, happens for a reason.

And it may happen......
Not as planned.

If a man wants you, if he wants more than a romp, you may change your thinking, and eat quietly, and peacefully your words.

Love is more than want, it demands all that you have, all that can be given.

I suspect that you will soon fall.
Away from these thoughts, away from these words.

Why?

You, we, them, us....are not wired that way.

OK, I concede, that some are.

Are you that *person?

We shall see.

Keep us posted.

Come back, many times over the next few years.

*if you find your lost long friend, that, ha!, soulmate; can you let him dangle, can you chance losing him to another fine specimen of a lady? I think not. :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well this is certainly the most unique reply I've received from my posting. I will be sure to follow up in the future. For now, I appreciate your time.
 

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How long have you been divorced and dating ladyburrito? I'm wondering where you are in life and what you want for yourself. We seem to be in similar positions, older, no kids (I'll be 41 soon). I haven't been divorced long but I'm in love with my bf of 6 months and I haven't said anything bc I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Like you, I'm not looking to have children, quite honestly I'm not interesting in raising anyone else's children. Unfortunately men in our age groups almost always have kids and I'm trying to let go of the desire to be the priority in a partners life.

For anyone who thinks this is unfair to him, he also hasn't said anything and didn't want to label our relationship until I told him I didn't see the point in interacting with his social circle if we were just dating.

When I was young I thought that I would get married and we'd grow together like my parents and grandparents. We'd share a lifetime of experiences. Our perspectives would mesh together as we shared those experiences. We would know everything about each other

Divorced in my 40s after a 20 year relationship it is different. It would be impossible to meet someone with all of the same shared experience. The perspectives that I have on things are much broader now than at 20 and I won't overlap with them as much because of this. Like you, I'm hoping to one day find someone that I can get along with and have fun with but I don't expect that it will be as close.

On the bright side, I doubt that I'll run into some of the expectations I had with my ex. I won't need to be Prince Charming that can finish their sentences and never says anything wrong or forgets anything. I can have faults and limitations without resulting in weeks or months of resentment. I wouldn't expect that someone in their 40s (or at least dating someone in their 40s) to think that they are going to mold me into the person they want me to be like my 18 year old girlfriend (and eventual fiancee and wife) did.
This is exactly what I wanted when I got married. I agree it doesn't seem that meeting someone now after 40, there's not the same opportunity for growth as there was starting out at 20. Here's the thing though, as we've all experienced (presumably), we don't grow at the same rate or arrive at the same "destination".

I'm ambivalent if I want to still hold out hope for a true partnership again or accept not getting married again and just moving from relationship to relationship just for companionship. I know there's no perfect person out there for me, heck I'm not perfect! It seems like a huge risk to get married again, in case it doesn't work and I end up divorcing... again, at the same time I've always wanted to love someone with my all and have that love returned.


I'm in my 60s and single.

No, I still want to have that deeper stuff. It's just that, at this age, I'd hope we can get there more quickly, less beating around the bushes. I don't have time for a "just spending time with" relationship, I'm really busy. If anything, the deeper stuff is more important now. I still have my table of contents and my appendix, not to mention my footnotes, and I don't want someone who's just a pamphlet.

That seems sad. To me, younger people are the ones lacking in the capacity for depth and closeness.
It's comforting to know there are men out there who still want this Laurentium, thank you.

This is my first foray on this site and its forums, so I hope I'm replying in the right way (not sure about the quotes).

My parents have been married for 55 years, which is what I was hoping to have. I was 28 when I got married but still hoped for longevity. My folks went through a lot - got married at 18, my dad went to Vietnam, my mom had several miscarriages before she had me, she's a cancer survivor, you name it. My dad worked for the same company for 45 years. You don't hear much of that these days.

The man I'm interested in is also divorced. He has 2 adult kids (I don't have any). It's not that I don't care about his past, I just feel like the more I know about it the more I'll have to tell him about mine and we may not be together that long so what's the point? The world is such a different place now. I don't expect him to fit the role of a husband - I had one of those and it didn't work out for me. I want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy. I think he might feel the same way.

It's really comforting to hear someone is on the same page as me, especially a male point of view. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
Totally get it...
 

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I think second, later marriages can be potentially even more successful and happy than first marriages. There are many people who have been married for decades who are extremely unhappy.

A second, later marriage can happen that is very happy, and even better than a first marriage. There can be wisdom in a second choice of spouse that comes from experience and maturity. I got married the first time at 25. 25!!! So young!! I'll certainly make a better choice next time. I know what worked and what didn't.
 

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Without love and romance, what use is dating.
This dating without mating seems such a thin veneer to make yourself hidden behind.
 
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The first to fall in love are the first to say they.....won't.
 

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want a partner, I suppose, to share my life with and not get all complicated and messy.
So with human relationships, there isn't really any "easy" button. It would be nice, but those pesky emotions eventually get involved and then complications, messy, etc. comes along with that.
Does NOT mean it's bad -- just that I'm not sure we are capable of having non-complicated relationships.
If it doesn't get deep and complicated, it's rather shallow and unfulfilling, no?
 

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I'm in my 60s and single.



No, I still want to have that deeper stuff. It's just that, at this age, I'd hope we can get there more quickly, less beating around the bushes. I don't have time for a "just spending time with" relationship, I'm really busy. If anything, the deeper stuff is more important now. I still have my table of contents and my appendix, not to mention my footnotes, and I don't want someone who's just a pamphlet.



That seems sad. To me, younger people are the ones lacking in the capacity for depth and closeness.
I would like the kind of deep connection I hoped for before but before there was more of an attempt to match up who we wanted to be and now it is trying to find a match for what you are. I think this is harder though I haven't spent any time "trying" yet. I have less hope and it is sad. Fewer games and more straight forward communication is encouraging though.

This is exactly what I wanted when I got married. I agree it doesn't seem that meeting someone now after 40, there's not the same opportunity for growth as there was starting out at 20. Here's the thing though, as we've all experienced (presumably), we don't grow at the same rate or arrive at the same "destination".

I'm ambivalent if I want to still hold out hope for a true partnership again or accept not getting married again and just moving from relationship to relationship just for companionship. I know there's no perfect person out there for me, heck I'm not perfect! It seems like a huge risk to get married again, in case it doesn't work and I end up divorcing... again, at the same time I've always wanted to love someone with my all and have that love returned.
@TXTrini expressed some of what I was trying to say better than I did.
 

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I think second, later marriages can be potentially even more successful and happy than first marriages. There are many people who have been married for decades who are extremely unhappy.

A second, later marriage can happen that is very happy, and even better than a first marriage. There can be wisdom in a second choice of spouse that comes from experience and maturity. I got married the first time at 25. 25!!! So young!! I'll certainly make a better choice next time. I know what worked and what didn't.
What about people who've been married more than once already? At some point, you wonder if you're cut out for marriage and question if what you can offer is enough.

The first to fall in love are the first to say they.....won't.
I don't think ladyburrito said she wouldn't, maybe she's afraid to love someone and be at that person's mercy and risk having her heart trampled on again. I know I am, but I feel it anyway.

I would like the kind of deep connection I hoped for before but before there was more of an attempt to match up who we wanted to be and now it is trying to find a match for what you are. I think this is harder though I haven't spent any time "trying" yet. I have less hope and it is sad. Fewer games and more straight forward communication is encouraging though.

@TXTrini expressed some of what I was trying to say better than I did.
Thanks!

I'm still grieving for the loss of the dream I'd hoped my marriage would be, hope for the future is hard to keep alive. I wish I had some encouragement to share, my friend. All I can say for sure is, you've already been through the worst, how much more can someone hurt you now? No guts, no glory! I've read/heard it's harder for men to let go and move on, give yourself enough time to feel comfortable with the idea of putting yourself out there.

It's funny you talk about fewer games and more straightforwardness, I'm finding it the opposite. People SAY they want that, then can't follow through, it's hard to lay your cards on the table when you're afraid of not being enough or the other person doesn't want the same thing. I'm very straightforward, yet finding it extremely challenging to be transparent, I just don't feel guilty bc my bf who also claims to be straightforward beats around the bush too 😁

Maybe we're all full of **** here bc we're simply trying to be "ok" with our situations and the possibility of never getting what we want. Is that where you're at too ladyburrito? I'm curious about your thought process.
 

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It's funny you talk about fewer games and more straightforwardness,
I don't think so. The guy I dated between marriages talked marriage, got my family believing he was ready and I was the one dragging my feet. From my side what I saw, was someone who wanted to squeeze into my apartment without discussion about when marriage would happen. He lived on the US east Coast when I loved in London so he was hardly moving to a hardship place.

He was moving out of a colonial 3 bed 2 and a half bath house, yard and garage to move into my small 2 bed, one bathroom flat and he offered to contribute to the rent and then "I can make a lot of money off of him." He never told me how he was willing to pay, just "whatever you want me to pay."

I also couldn't understand his accepting a pay cut when he only interviewed with one company and got the offer within 3 weeks.

I told him he couldn't live in my place if we weren't married so he needed to be sure that he is making enough to pay for his place and support his 4 star free time.

In hindsight, I think that he was hoping to take a sabbatical from work; be able to pack 2 bags and drop them off at my place and have his European tour.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I've been divorced for about 6 months. I've been dating off and on for a while, most recently this one man has piqued my interest. He has 2 grown kids; I don't have any. Before I got married I dated someone who had kids - it didn't work out because A. I wasn't ready to be a parent and B. he wanted more kids and I can't have them.

I haven't been able to see this fellow much at the moment due to the coronavirus stuff, so I can't really even say if we're in a relationship, and that's OK for now. We have time to let things take their course and see where it goes. If it doesn't go anywhere, that's OK, too.

I don't want to get married again. If for some crazy reason it happens, then it happens. Thanks for your comments.
 

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Just date a guy until the level of drama is unacceptable and know your boundaries. i decided after that guy, anyone that I dated was not going to have a relationship with my family. That would cause immediate termination of the relationship.

I also had a certain vision of what a longterm relationship would require - marriage. And what the guy wasn't going to get if we were'nt married - cheap lodging.

He also wanted to be treated like part of the family. While we were dating, my parents celebrated their 55th anniversary by taking their kids and legally married spouses; and grandkids on a cruise. Cabins at $2K each and this guy had the nerve to complain because he didn't get a ticket. this guy was 48 years old.
 

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I've been divorced for about 6 months. I've been dating off and on for a while, most recently this one man has piqued my interest. He has 2 grown kids; I don't have any. Before I got married I dated someone who had kids - it didn't work out because A. I wasn't ready to be a parent and B. he wanted more kids and I can't have them.

I haven't been able to see this fellow much at the moment due to the coronavirus stuff, so I can't really even say if we're in a relationship, and that's OK for now. We have time to let things take their course and see where it goes. If it doesn't go anywhere, that's OK, too.

I don't want to get married again. If for some crazy reason it happens, then it happens. Thanks for your comments.
I never wanted and definitely can't have kids now, and my guy has mostly grown kids. We seem to be at similar points of our post-divorce journey, my divorce was final in March. I keep going back and forth about what I want, it sounds like you are too. Give yourself time to breathe, like you said there's no rush. I don't see anything wrong with living in the moment, considering how fresh everything still is, just be honest along the way and pay attention to your instincts.

Honestly, I don't know what my thought process is. Other than I don't want any drama. How's that for an answer? Haha
😂 Amen! I told my bf before he declared we were in a relationship the only thing I was sure about right now is I want peace and honesty. Just take it one day at a time girl. Think about it, you had no control over anything in your marriage. Things happen, our spouse does/don't do something, all we can do is choose our response. I'm in a somewhat fatalistic mood about everything lately, feeling all kinds of things and trying to make sense of it all.

I don't think it's a good idea to make any final judgements about what you want out of life just yet with respect to a relationship. Enjoy your freedom, enjoy male company, maybe you'll meet someone who knocks you off your feet. How far along are you two? Have you had sex? I'm not asking to mind your business TOO much 😁, but you might change your tune if he can rock your world.
 

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I don't think so. The guy I dated between marriages talked marriage, got my family believing he was ready and I was the one dragging my feet. From my side what I saw, was someone who wanted to squeeze into my apartment without discussion about when marriage would happen. He lived on the US east Coast when I loved in London so he was hardly moving to a hardship place.

He was moving out of a colonial 3 bed 2 and a half bath house, yard and garage to move into my small 2 bed, one bathroom flat and he offered to contribute to the rent and then "I can make a lot of money off of him." He never told me how he was willing to pay, just "whatever you want me to pay."

I also couldn't understand his accepting a pay cut when he only interviewed with one company and got the offer within 3 weeks.

I told him he couldn't live in my place if we weren't married so he needed to be sure that he is making enough to pay for his place and support his 4 star free time.

In hindsight, I think that he was hoping to take a sabbatical from work; be able to pack 2 bags and drop them off at my place and have his European tour.
Just date a guy until the level of drama is unacceptable and know your boundaries. i decided after that guy, anyone that I dated was not going to have a relationship with my family. That would cause immediate termination of the relationship.

I also had a certain vision of what a longterm relationship would require - marriage. And what the guy wasn't going to get if we were'nt married - cheap lodging.

He also wanted to be treated like part of the family. While we were dating, my parents celebrated their 55th anniversary by taking their kids and legally married spouses; and grandkids on a cruise. Cabins at $2K each and this guy had the nerve to complain because he didn't get a ticket. this guy was 48 years old.
What a tool! 😂 Please tell me you nexted this sad ****!
 
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