Little update
So, BF and I just got back from a lovely trip to Mexico, and he picked his youngest daughter up the day after we got back. She's been with us since Wednesday, and it feels like forever! Her mother was all set to get a temp job with odd hours, and daughter was going to move in with us full time (except weekends) until June. Thank God that her mother didn't pass the drug test, and didn't get the job.
The first 2 days that we had daughter, she was in a terrible mood, glaring at me and otherwise giving 1 word answers or grunts when I spoke to her. BF talked to her and she's been much better the last couple days.
They've kind of been doing their own thing, and leaving me out again I'm not sure if she just missed her Dad and I'm reading too far into this, or if she's back to not wanting me around. Today, they went to a play place and I'm at home. Last night. She ran after her Dad to go with him to get milk, rather than spend 10 mins alone with me.
I talked to BF and he said that he doesn't think she's back to her old antics, and I extended an olive branch earlier to her. I asked her if she'd like to have a nail and toenail painting fiesta with me. First thing she did: point at her Dad's feet and said, "I wanna paint Dada's toes!!" It had to be explained to her that dada wouldn't be taking part and that it was just a girl's thing. Do I have a right to expect her to know that nail painting is more of a female thing, or am I expecting too much from a 12 year old?
Her Dad maintains that she just missed him while we were away, and I get that, but to a point. So, I left to go on a dog walk, and he talked to her. Apparently, he's going to be leaving the house so that her and I can spend some time together this evening. He said that I need to try with her and make some effort. I agree and that's what the olive branch was for. I'm worried about tonight, only have so much more "try" in me with this kid, and really don't want to be left alone with her. If she can't be alone for 10 mins with me, what the hell is she going to do with a couple hours without her dada?!?
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but really do appreciate the advice and tips that you all give. ☺
The first 2 days that we had daughter, she was in a terrible mood, glaring at me and otherwise giving 1 word answers or grunts when I spoke to her. BF talked to her and she's been much better the last couple days.
They've kind of been doing their own thing, and leaving me out again I'm not sure if she just missed her Dad and I'm reading too far into this, or if she's back to not wanting me around. Today, they went to a play place and I'm at home. Last night. She ran after her Dad to go with him to get milk, rather than spend 10 mins alone with me.
I talked to BF and he said that he doesn't think she's back to her old antics, and I extended an olive branch earlier to her. I asked her if she'd like to have a nail and toenail painting fiesta with me. First thing she did: point at her Dad's feet and said, "I wanna paint Dada's toes!!" It had to be explained to her that dada wouldn't be taking part and that it was just a girl's thing. Do I have a right to expect her to know that nail painting is more of a female thing, or am I expecting too much from a 12 year old?
Her Dad maintains that she just missed him while we were away, and I get that, but to a point. So, I left to go on a dog walk, and he talked to her. Apparently, he's going to be leaving the house so that her and I can spend some time together this evening. He said that I need to try with her and make some effort. I agree and that's what the olive branch was for. I'm worried about tonight, only have so much more "try" in me with this kid, and really don't want to be left alone with her. If she can't be alone for 10 mins with me, what the hell is she going to do with a couple hours without her dada?!?
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but really do appreciate the advice and tips that you all give. ☺
141 - 160 of 200 Posts
@Ursula, I know that you've tried very hard, but you can't make up for basic things that are someone else's responsibilty. Your BF is not loving you. He isn't even loving his daughter. It's all about his comfort level and his guilt and his... on and on. It's all about him. To the point of seriously damaging his own child.
I agree that you will never rise in the pecking order. But that's not the real problem. The real problem is that there is a pecking order to begin with. Everyone in your household needs to be treated with respect and love. Each person has value. There should be enough love to go around. Love is supposed to grow, not be metered out according to some pecking order. You should not have to beg to be treated like you matter as much as everyone else in the household.
The problem between you and your BF isn't a lack of communication or a lack of understanding. The problem is a lack of love. He does not treat you as someone important and precious. He treats you like someone he likes to have around for kicks and giggles, and probably for housework. He doesn't seem like a very good person to me, Ursula. I'm sorry to say this, but he really sounds like a myopic, slouch who doesn't know how to manage his life or his family. There's no excuse for his behavior and it only seems to get worse.
You deserve better than this. You are turning yourself into a pretzel to accomodate unloving, ungrateful people who do not have your best interests at heart. Your best interests aren't even on the menu.
I agree that you will never rise in the pecking order. But that's not the real problem. The real problem is that there is a pecking order to begin with. Everyone in your household needs to be treated with respect and love. Each person has value. There should be enough love to go around. Love is supposed to grow, not be metered out according to some pecking order. You should not have to beg to be treated like you matter as much as everyone else in the household.
The problem between you and your BF isn't a lack of communication or a lack of understanding. The problem is a lack of love. He does not treat you as someone important and precious. He treats you like someone he likes to have around for kicks and giggles, and probably for housework. He doesn't seem like a very good person to me, Ursula. I'm sorry to say this, but he really sounds like a myopic, slouch who doesn't know how to manage his life or his family. There's no excuse for his behavior and it only seems to get worse.
You deserve better than this. You are turning yourself into a pretzel to accomodate unloving, ungrateful people who do not have your best interests at heart. Your best interests aren't even on the menu.
Sister, this guy isn't good partner material. You aren't his priority and that is unlikely to change.
I lived the same thing and in 13 years my position in the pecking order never changed.
I want to cover ALL of my basis before taking any next steps, so I'm going to therapy. I have a meet and greet with a new local therapist tomorrow afternoon, and in case that goes well, I've booked in my first appointment for mid-April. I'm starting to realize that this situation just isn't going to get any better though.This.
He's subpar.
Don't accept the unacceptable.
Ursula, I think you've gone about all this and trying to get it to work in a very generous and smart way. If in the end it doesn't work it won't be because you didn't try. If only he would put in half the effort you have to solving problems and fixing things, you wouldn't be where you are now.
The one thing good I can say about him from the comments you've made (so I'm sure there's more to love) is you two are communicating about it at least. There are people with whom you can't even communicate about problems. But as you know he seems to be all talk and no action as far as working on the issues which are really his to fix.
I'm afraid of therapist isn't going to tell you what to do here. They will probably just tell you that you can't change him or her but can only change how you react to it. But maybe therapist will pick up on something that will be helpful.
The one thing good I can say about him from the comments you've made (so I'm sure there's more to love) is you two are communicating about it at least. There are people with whom you can't even communicate about problems. But as you know he seems to be all talk and no action as far as working on the issues which are really his to fix.
I'm afraid of therapist isn't going to tell you what to do here. They will probably just tell you that you can't change him or her but can only change how you react to it. But maybe therapist will pick up on something that will be helpful.
@Ursula, you are an absolute gem of a girlfriend and stepmother. Both of them should be doing everything they can to include and love you, as you do for them.
Thanks @DownByTheRiver, I definitely can't say that I'm not trying. And to defend him a little, he has been putting in more effort lately, and trying with his daughter. I think he just needs to change the ways he tries because talking to her doesn't seem to work. I had ordered a step families book a few days ago too, and he would like me to put that onto his device, which I will do. Fingers crossed that he'll make a little time to read it! Yes, we definitely do communicate about it, just sometimes it can get heated, and I've been known to do harm to myself, which really needs to stop. Another reason that therapy has been booked this week. As to therapy, when I was married, I pretty much knew that the marriage was over, but wanted to cover all my bases just so that I couldn't look back and say "I could've tried XYZ to help the situation". I can look back now with zero regrets about not trying 110%. I LOVED the therapist who helped me through separation and divorce, but she's far away now that I've moved, so the therapist I chose is one who works more with HSPs (highly sensitive persons), which is what I am. We'll see how it goes, but I kind of see her as the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter which direction this relationship goes.
@Cynthia, thanks! I don't really consider myself a stepmom to be honest. I just wanted to be the girl's friend and someone they can trust and turn to if they need to, but that's turning into a pipe dream. I don't expect a 12 year old to bend over backwards to include me, but I do expect kindness and respect.
@Cynthia, thanks! I don't really consider myself a stepmom to be honest. I just wanted to be the girl's friend and someone they can trust and turn to if they need to, but that's turning into a pipe dream. I don't expect a 12 year old to bend over backwards to include me, but I do expect kindness and respect.
Can you do telehealth with your old therapist? Many therapists will do sessions over the phone or computer now.
She does do online appointments, but her times are really crappy, whereas this new person is open Saturdays and Sundays, and evenings during the week. BUT, if the meet and greet or any appointments with her in the future don't work, you bet I'll be contacting the former therapist and booking with her. Actually, that gal knows my history, so that's probably the way to go to begin with.Can you do telehealth with your old therapist? Many therapists will do sessions over the phone or computer now.
It's possible you could work with your old therapist via zoom, just a thought.Thanks @DownByTheRiver, I definitely can't say that I'm not trying. And to defend him a little, he has been putting in more effort lately, and trying with his daughter. I think he just needs to change the ways he tries because talking to her doesn't seem to work. I had ordered a step families book a few days ago too, and he would like me to put that onto his device, which I will do. Fingers crossed that he'll make a little time to read it! Yes, we definitely do communicate about it, just sometimes it can get heated, and I've been known to do harm to myself, which really needs to stop. Another reason that therapy has been booked this week. As to therapy, when I was married, I pretty much knew that the marriage was over, but wanted to cover all my bases just so that I couldn't look back and say "I could've tried XYZ to help the situation". I can look back now with zero regrets about not trying 110%. I LOVED the therapist who helped me through separation and divorce, but she's far away now that I've moved, so the therapist I chose is one who works more with HSPs (highly sensitive persons), which is what I am. We'll see how it goes, but I kind of see her as the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter which direction this relationship goes.
@Cynthia, thanks! I don't really consider myself a stepmom to be honest. I just wanted to be the girl's friend and someone they can trust and turn to if they need to, but that's turning into a pipe dream. I don't expect a 12 year old to bend over backwards to include me, but I do expect kindness and respect.
Can you change your lunch time and have your appointments while you're eating? Or maybe go into work an hour early, so you can take time for your appointments? You'd have to do your appointment in your car or a conference room or something like that.She does do online appointments, but her times are really crappy, whereas this new person is open Saturdays and Sundays, and evenings during the week. BUT, if the meet and greet or any appointments with her in the future don't work, you bet I'll be contacting the former therapist and booking with her. Actually, that gal knows my history, so that's probably the way to go to begin with.
Even though I'm a team lead at work, I do have the option of working from home, so I can always schedule a 9-10am appointment, take an hour off for that, and then I don't have the long commute to the office.Can you change your lunch time and have your appointments while you're eating? Or maybe go into work an hour early, so you can take time for your appointments? You'd have to do your appointment in your car or a conference room or something like that.
I understand that detaching and acceptance is a process and you need to feel like you did what you could.
When I first found out about my ex keeping his ex gf on the side I knew the marriage was over. But I still dragged him to counseling and let him tag along on a trip to see my mom who has since passed, and he acted like an asshole the entire trip. It took me a year to finally accept everything and file even though I knew it wasn't going to work.
Do what you feel like you have to do and do it on your own timeline.
When I first found out about my ex keeping his ex gf on the side I knew the marriage was over. But I still dragged him to counseling and let him tag along on a trip to see my mom who has since passed, and he acted like an asshole the entire trip. It took me a year to finally accept everything and file even though I knew it wasn't going to work.
Do what you feel like you have to do and do it on your own timeline.
You have to do what you have to do to not have doubts. That's healthy.
If you lived near me, I'd have you over for tea and a hug. I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are handling things quite well.
Idk, Ursula. I think you are fearful of the unknown so you stay and accept this relationship. Everyone has flaws sure but this is affecting the quality of your life. Going to therapy over this just seems like you’re trying to buy time hoping he changes, or this gets better.
I don’t see your bf as malicious, or a bad guy or anything - he’s just clueless about his actions. Way too passive. This will be your life forever if you stay. Sometimes, you just have to rip the bandaid off.
I thought you should leave the night he went out for a beer with friends or a friend and left you with his daughter. Not because he left you there - but because he doesn’t see or care how this is affecting you. Idk, no man that doesn’t put a ring on it, is worth all this. Even with a ring on it!! 😆
Be true to yourself, Ursula.
I don’t see your bf as malicious, or a bad guy or anything - he’s just clueless about his actions. Way too passive. This will be your life forever if you stay. Sometimes, you just have to rip the bandaid off.
I thought you should leave the night he went out for a beer with friends or a friend and left you with his daughter. Not because he left you there - but because he doesn’t see or care how this is affecting you. Idk, no man that doesn’t put a ring on it, is worth all this. Even with a ring on it!! 😆
Be true to yourself, Ursula.
Aw thanks Cynthia, that's very sweet! And I'd totally take you up on that tooIf you lived near me, I'd have you over for tea and a hug. I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are handling things quite well.
A week ago, I went to my first therapy appointment with the new therapist, and it went really well. It was the initial appointment, so there was a lot of legal stuff to go through, and she asked a lot of questions, so I didn't really expect to get much take away from that first appointment. But, just before I left, she gave me one tool to work with. Next time BF's youngest starts acting up, acting/talking like a baby, not wanting me around, etc., for me to stop and think this: "if she could do better, she would do better".
That resonated 100% because the poor kid doesn't have a proper parent on either end. When I say "proper parent", I think of someone who is a teacher, a leader, a protector. Her Dad is a protector for sure, but that's about all she gets out of one of her parents. Neither teach or lead, and so she has no one correcting her when she talks like a baby, or teach her right from wrong, teach her how to respect others, etc. Her Dad will try to get her to stop and listen to him when she acts out though.
So far so good, my next appointment is at the end of this week.
That resonated 100% because the poor kid doesn't have a proper parent on either end. When I say "proper parent", I think of someone who is a teacher, a leader, a protector. Her Dad is a protector for sure, but that's about all she gets out of one of her parents. Neither teach or lead, and so she has no one correcting her when she talks like a baby, or teach her right from wrong, teach her how to respect others, etc. Her Dad will try to get her to stop and listen to him when she acts out though.
So far so good, my next appointment is at the end of this week.
I agree, @Ursula. It's not the girl's fault. It is her parent's fault.
One of the primary jobs of parenting is instruction, but like you said, she isn't getting any of that. She's trying to figure life out on her own. That's a frightening job for a kid. She is trying to control as much as possible. Kids do not have the understanding to make healthy choices and to grow up with good boundaries and attitudes, unless someone steps in to help.
One of the primary jobs of parenting is instruction, but like you said, she isn't getting any of that. She's trying to figure life out on her own. That's a frightening job for a kid. She is trying to control as much as possible. Kids do not have the understanding to make healthy choices and to grow up with good boundaries and attitudes, unless someone steps in to help.
It’s not her fault, true, and that was good insight on the part of your therapist but you just have to ask yourself if this is the life you want. Obviously, all relationships have something to deal with but if you’re trying to build a future with your bf, then your thoughts matter. Your opinions matter.
My concern is you will stay in something unhealthy (unhealthy for everyone honestly) because you have time invested with your bf. I get it. But, my hope for you all, is you can learn from each other and that she grows out of this phase for herself.
And you all live happily ever after…
Something like that. You should watch that Disney movie “Enchanted.” Lol Happily ever after doesn’t always look like a traditional fairy tale.☺
I’m on my phone and can’t undo the italics - not sure how this happened. lol
My concern is you will stay in something unhealthy (unhealthy for everyone honestly) because you have time invested with your bf. I get it. But, my hope for you all, is you can learn from each other and that she grows out of this phase for herself.
And you all live happily ever after…
Something like that. You should watch that Disney movie “Enchanted.” Lol Happily ever after doesn’t always look like a traditional fairy tale.☺
I’m on my phone and can’t undo the italics - not sure how this happened. lol
Exactly, and I also now think that's why she tries to control so much of her Dad's life.I agree, @Ursula. It's not the girl's fault. It is her parent's fault.
One of the primary jobs of parenting is instruction, but like you said, she isn't getting any of that. She's trying to figure life out on her own. That's a frightening job for a kid. She is trying to control as much as possible. Kids do not have the understanding to make healthy choices and to grow up with good boundaries and attitudes, unless someone steps in to help.
141 - 160 of 200 Posts
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