Little update

5139 Views 199 Replies 26 Participants Last post by Openminded, 1 mo ago

Ursula

Discussion Starter · 2 mo ago

So, BF and I just got back from a lovely trip to Mexico, and he picked his youngest daughter up the day after we got back. She's been with us since Wednesday, and it feels like forever! Her mother was all set to get a temp job with odd hours, and daughter was going to move in with us full time (except weekends) until June. Thank God that her mother didn't pass the drug test, and didn't get the job.

The first 2 days that we had daughter, she was in a terrible mood, glaring at me and otherwise giving 1 word answers or grunts when I spoke to her. BF talked to her and she's been much better the last couple days.

They've kind of been doing their own thing, and leaving me out again I'm not sure if she just missed her Dad and I'm reading too far into this, or if she's back to not wanting me around. Today, they went to a play place and I'm at home. Last night. She ran after her Dad to go with him to get milk, rather than spend 10 mins alone with me.

I talked to BF and he said that he doesn't think she's back to her old antics, and I extended an olive branch earlier to her. I asked her if she'd like to have a nail and toenail painting fiesta with me. First thing she did: point at her Dad's feet and said, "I wanna paint Dada's toes!!" It had to be explained to her that dada wouldn't be taking part and that it was just a girl's thing. Do I have a right to expect her to know that nail painting is more of a female thing, or am I expecting too much from a 12 year old?

Her Dad maintains that she just missed him while we were away, and I get that, but to a point. So, I left to go on a dog walk, and he talked to her. Apparently, he's going to be leaving the house so that her and I can spend some time together this evening. He said that I need to try with her and make some effort. I agree and that's what the olive branch was for. I'm worried about tonight, only have so much more "try" in me with this kid, and really don't want to be left alone with her. If she can't be alone for 10 mins with me, what the hell is she going to do with a couple hours without her dada?!?

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but really do appreciate the advice and tips that you all give. ☺

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Deidre

· #18 · 2 mo ago (Edited)

Your bf suggested for it to be over between you two? Wow. You’ve tried so hard Ursula - for him to say that to you shows that he doesn’t grasp how much effort you’ve put into the relationship.

I get that his daughter is caught between her parents, and her mom sounds like a drug addict too? Ugh, I feel for her but you have done all you can. This will be your life if you remain. 😔

It’s beyond cringe how she communicates with her dad. The baby talk and weirdness is so strange. If it’s fake, that’s scarier because she sounds like she’s learning how to manipulate adults. Idk …just think you deserve better. And that he suggested ending things, you might want to reflect on where you fit in here.

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Deidre

· #53 · 2 mo ago (Edited)

My concern is more that your bf suggested ending things, as though it was an ultimatum - you either tolerate my daughter disrespecting you or we should move on. Please don’t tolerate HIS disrespect now, just to hang on to the relationship.

I do agree with whomever said that his daughter resents the divorce and you and so on. It’s true, you can’t change that, no matter how kind you are to her, she wants her mom and dad back together. Part of her problem may be that she also has a mom who doesn’t sound engaged. It’s not all you.

Just whatever you do, don’t stay in something unhealthy if it never changes. It’s true, he will put his daughter above you and that is how it should be, because that’s his daughter but if he expects you to be treated like garbage by his daughter, I’d move on. It’s your life and only you can choose your boundaries and when enough is enough.

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Deidre

· #77 · 2 mo ago

I’m leaning in agreement cutting your losses and moving on, not because of his daughter but because he used breaking up with you as an option. And you stayed so he knows he can pull that threat out again. Just don’t be afraid to leave, Ursula! 💜

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Deidre

· #98 · 2 mo ago

I hadn’t even considered that your bf could be the abuser, Ursula. But I’d think you’d notice it unless there are times when you’re not around for a while when she’s visiting. If he isn’t the abuser, it could explain why she acts like she does but the relationship is still incredibly unhealthy, no matter what. The more I read, the more it makes more sense to move out and take a step back and see how things progress.

Just my opinion, there are plenty of good men out there whom you could eventually meet that don’t have all of this weird drama attached. Not saying cut and run but it would be worth seeing if your life feels better not living with him.

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Deidre

· #124 · 2 mo ago

This is just my opinion, but unless you’re both considering marriage and he’s committed to you being a part of the family, you can read some books, sure - but if it were me, at this stage, I would need to know what the future is. I’m not playing house and the stepmom role if there’s no solid future, and that means marriage. That’s just me but…if you want marriage Ursula, don’t sweep those feelings under the carpet.

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Deidre

· #134 · 2 mo ago

Ursula said:
As to marriage, I've been there, done that, and honestly don't really care if it happens. So, that's not a deal breaker for me at all, and at this point with how things are playing out with his daughter, I would rather not get married. It's easier to pack up, leave and break up than it is to go through a divorce!

I know you’ll use your best judgement. It’s impossible to forecast a relationship to be honest…you have to go through it before you can really sort it out and decide if it’ll be what you want. Too bad crystal balls aren’t an actual thing. lol 🔮

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Deidre

· #155 · 2 mo ago

Idk, Ursula. I think you are fearful of the unknown so you stay and accept this relationship. Everyone has flaws sure but this is affecting the quality of your life. Going to therapy over this just seems like you’re trying to buy time hoping he changes, or this gets better.

I don’t see your bf as malicious, or a bad guy or anything - he’s just clueless about his actions. Way too passive. This will be your life forever if you stay. Sometimes, you just have to rip the bandaid off.

I thought you should leave the night he went out for a beer with friends or a friend and left you with his daughter. Not because he left you there - but because he doesn’t see or care how this is affecting you. Idk, no man that doesn’t put a ring on it, is worth all this. Even with a ring on it!! 😆

Be true to yourself, Ursula.

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Deidre

· #159 · 1 mo ago (Edited)

It’s not her fault, true, and that was good insight on the part of your therapist but you just have to ask yourself if this is the life you want. Obviously, all relationships have something to deal with but if you’re trying to build a future with your bf, then your thoughts matter. Your opinions matter.

My concern is you will stay in something unhealthy (unhealthy for everyone honestly) because you have time invested with your bf. I get it. But, my hope for you all, is you can learn from each other and that she grows out of this phase for herself.

And you all live happily ever after…

Something like that. You should watch that Disney movie “Enchanted.” Lol Happily ever after doesn’t always look like a traditional fairy tale.☺

I’m on my phone and can’t undo the italics - not sure how this happened. lol

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Deidre

· #164 · 1 mo ago

Ursula said:
Huh, so weird about the italics.

In answer to your question, I've been thinking on that since I moved in. Yes, her Dad and I have a lot invested into the relationship, and 4 years is a long time. I do love him and care about him, but I've also seen a side of him that I don't much like since I moved in. He's fiercly protective of his daughter, and much of the time, when the subject of her comes up, he automatically assumes that I'm attacking her or his parenting style. My thoughts do matter, as I've been invited to be a part of his family. If they don't matter, that's when I will leave.

If you had to guess, what is he protecting her from? I hope things do work out because you have this special thing, between you both and it’s hard to find. I have that special thing with my husband and so walking away over your bf’s daughter, it wouldn’t be easy. Keeping you guys in my prayers. 🙏

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Deidre

· #166 · 1 mo ago

Ursula said:
Thanks @*Deidre*, and if I had to guess, he protective because at 12, she's been through more than a lot of adults that I know. Way too much for a 12 year old to handle or make sense of, and he tries his best to protect her from more harm. Thing is though that while his intentions are good, he's probably doing more harm than good by parenting style. She also needs to be in therapy. I also know that he sees things with rose coloured glasses, and thinks that things will change or work out differently in the future. Thing is though that you can't keep doing the same thing and expect different result. Again, this will all come out in due time, I'm sure.

I also hope it works out, and we will keep trying for that to happen. I know that it's very easy for folks online to tell me to leave him and the situation, but that's easy to say, not so easy to do, especially when there are so many good things in our relationship. I know what's out there in my dating pool too, and really am not interested in starting over. And if I did that, honestly, I would probably pack my bags and uproot to another part of the world, which I also would rather not do at this point.

Yea, she has been through a lot and definitely could benefit from therapy. But, your bf is enabling not really protecting. Maybe he’ll realize that soon enough but part of the problem too is, she keeps going back to her mom’s, which sounds like a bad environment for a kid of any age to be around. So, he’s protecting her from developing a relationship with you? A healthy person whom he loves and wants a future with but sends her back to her drug addicted mom? That’s what would make me wonder if there’s a future because this back and forth will never grow his daughter. You’re a good influence in her life and he shouldn’t take that lightly.

I get you don’t want to start over but also don’t settle for a situation that impacts your well being and mental/emotional health. Nothing is perfect in life, but I hope your bf starts working on no longer enabling his daughter to stay stuck and tries to help her become the best she can be. Like I said, hope it works out. 🙏

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Deidre

· #184 · 1 mo ago

Aw Ursula.

That makes my heart hurt for you, that last sentence. You have to respect yourself and have boundaries. And then others respect you too.

But stuff like this is so often a slow fade. Like that frog in a pot analogy. There’s a frog and she’s in a pot of cold water, and the heat gets slowly turned up but the frog keeps adjusting. Until one day, it’s just too hot and the frog leaps out before boiling to death. I know, lol what a morbid visual but so much of what we tolerate is like that. The frog should have jumped out sooner.

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Deidre

· #188 · 1 mo ago

Cynthia said:
In the story of the frog, it doesn't jump out. By the time it realizes there's a problem, the frog is disabled and then dead.

Lol! I haven’t heard that ending but it could apply, too.

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Deidre

· #197 · 1 mo ago

I find it odd that with all she has been through, that she’s not in therapy. That he hasn’t found a counselor for her. I can’t help but think, that he’s afraid of what she might say.

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