[Ursula]

So, BF and I just got back from a lovely trip to Mexico, and he picked his youngest daughter up the day after we got back. She's been with us since Wednesday, and it feels like forever! Her mother was all set to get a temp job with odd hours, and daughter was going to move in with us full time (except weekends) until June. Thank God that her mother didn't pass the drug test, and didn't get the job.

The first 2 days that we had daughter, she was in a terrible mood, glaring at me and otherwise giving 1 word answers or grunts when I spoke to her. BF talked to her and she's been much better the last couple days.

They've kind of been doing their own thing, and leaving me out again I'm not sure if she just missed her Dad and I'm reading too far into this, or if she's back to not wanting me around. Today, they went to a play place and I'm at home. Last night. She ran after her Dad to go with him to get milk, rather than spend 10 mins alone with me.

I talked to BF and he said that he doesn't think she's back to her old antics, and I extended an olive branch earlier to her. I asked her if she'd like to have a nail and toenail painting fiesta with me. First thing she did: point at her Dad's feet and said, "I wanna paint Dada's toes!!" It had to be explained to her that dada wouldn't be taking part and that it was just a girl's thing. Do I have a right to expect her to know that nail painting is more of a female thing, or am I expecting too much from a 12 year old?

Her Dad maintains that she just missed him while we were away, and I get that, but to a point. So, I left to go on a dog walk, and he talked to her. Apparently, he's going to be leaving the house so that her and I can spend some time together this evening. He said that I need to try with her and make some effort. I agree and that's what the olive branch was for. I'm worried about tonight, only have so much more "try" in me with this kid, and really don't want to be left alone with her. If she can't be alone for 10 mins with me, what the hell is she going to do with a couple hours without her dada?!?

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but really do appreciate the advice and tips that you all give. ☺

 

[DownByTheRiver]

So, BF and I just got back from a lovely trip to Mexico, and he picked his youngest daughter up the day after we got back. She's been with us since Wednesday, and it feels like forever! Her mother was all set to get a temp job with odd hours, and daughter was going to move in with us full time (except weekends) until June. Thank God that her mother didn't pass the drug test, and didn't get the job.

The first 2 days that we had daughter, she was in a terrible mood, glaring at me and otherwise giving 1 word answers or grunts when I spoke to her. BF talked to her and she's been much better the last couple days.

They've kind of been doing their own thing, and leaving me out again I'm not sure if she just missed her Dad and I'm reading too far into this, or if she's back to not wanting me around. Today, they went to a play place and I'm at home. Last night. She ran after her Dad to go with him to get milk, rather than spend 10 mins alone with me.

I talked to BF and he said that he doesn't think she's back to her old antics, and I extended an olive branch earlier to her. I asked her if she'd like to have a nail and toenail painting fiesta with me. First thing she did: point at her Dad's feet and said, "I wanna paint Dada's toes!!" It had to be explained to her that dada wouldn't be taking part and that it was just a girl's thing. Do I have a right to expect her to know that nail painting is more of a female thing, or am I expecting too much from a 12 year old?

Her Dad maintains that she just missed him while we were away, and I get that, but to a point. So, I left to go on a dog walk, and he talked to her. Apparently, he's going to be leaving the house so that her and I can spend some time together this evening. He said that I need to try with her and make some effort. I agree and that's what the olive branch was for. I'm worried about tonight, only have so much more "try" in me with this kid, and really don't want to be left alone with her. If she can't be alone for 10 mins with me, what the hell is she going to do with a couple hours without her dada?!?

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but really do appreciate the advice and tips that you all give. ☺

That girl is playing dumb. She's 12. They are fully aware of just about everything at that age. She was just being a jerk. She is going to tell you every way she can get away with that she wants dad to herself, I expect. So sorry. I guess it's never easy, but this one has dad snowed. Still using the baby voice, sounds like.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

When she says stuff like that, she's just yanking your chain. I think that would have been a good one to fully ignore and not acknowledge in any way.

 

[Livvie]

Why on Earth would he deliberately leave you two alone for a couple of hours? She doesn't want that. You don't want that.

No...YOU do not need to TRY anymore with her.

 

[ccpowerslave]

I stopped reading at “dada” and started facepalming.

 

[bobert]

A 12 year old knows the difference between "girl things" and "boy things". Children figure that out at a young age. That being said... I currently have painted toenails and fingernails, courtesy of my 12 year old daughter. Usually she throws in some French braids as well 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm not surprised at her reaction to being away from her dad/him being on a trip with you, given the situation. I assume things will go back to their normal shortly.

 

[ConanHub]

Well, the level of playing at being immature is kind of weird.

Boundaries and respect good woman.

Have your life and do your thing. As your boyfriend's daughter, she "gets" the opportunity and privilege to sometimes accompany you or take part in what you have determined to do.

Catering to a child's whims is not good for anyone including the child.

One thing I will say is that no contempt should be held for the kid. She shouldn't have a lot of power but that also means the adults should be looking out for her.

She should be given opportunity but not control.

Your boyfriend hopefully understands this as well.

 

[Ursula]

A 12 year old knows the difference between "girl things" and "boy things". Children figure that out at a young age. That being said... I currently have painted toenails and fingernails, courtesy of my 12 year old daughter. Usually she throws in some French braids as well 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm not surprised at her reaction to being away from her dad/him being on a trip with you, given the situation. I assume things will go back to their normal shortly.

Good lord, I hope so. BF and her left this afternoon, her waiting in the car, and BF and I had words. He said that he's trying with his daughter, and there's not much else he can do but keep trying. He suggested that it be over between us. I had told him earlier that I'll give her 1 more week of chances (she's leaving for her mom's tomorrow and will be back with us the following week). But that if she's pulling the same crap, I'll be taking my dog and moving to my folk's every second week. Didn't make him very happy, obviously neither one of us want that to happen. But if he doesn't make some parenting changes, I will make changes.

 

[Prodigal]

You've come a long way in asserting yourself and I think it's great! Of course you don't want to break up with your bf, but he's catering to a manipulative child. Frankly, I'd be kinda creeped out if a 12 year old was speaking to me in baby talk.

Are you still going to be stuck with this little darling for the evening? Ugh.

And I call total b.s. on your bf's "trying." Nope. The only "trying" he's doing to appeasing a bratty kid and not setting firm boundaries with her.

 

[Personal]

Hey 👋 @Ursula, I’m not convinced your boyfriend is really trying to fix this situation at all. It seems like in the big scheme of things, he would prefer you to just accept all that his daughter serves.

If he valued his relationship with you more substantially, he would be doing more to address his daughter’s poor behaviour towards you. That he isn’t, ought to tell you where you really stand.

 

[bobert]

Good lord, I hope so. BF and her left this afternoon, her waiting in the car, and BF and I had words. He said that he's trying with his daughter, and there's not much else he can do but keep trying. He suggested that it be over between us. I had told him earlier that I'll give her 1 more week of chances (she's leaving for her mom's tomorrow and will be back with us the following week). But that if she's pulling the same crap, I'll be taking my dog and moving to my folk's every second week. Didn't make him very happy, obviously neither one of us want that to happen. But if he doesn't make some parenting changes, I will make changes.

I really don't see how he's trying. He doesn't address her behaviour, he tells you not to address it as well, he won't put her in therapy, he won't acknowledge her issues. What IS he actually doing?

How long is the lease on your house?

 

[Julie's Husband]

Possible the boy friend is catering to the self centered brat out of guilt for splitting with the mother?

 

[Ursula]

I really don't see how he's trying. He doesn't address her behaviour, he tells you not to address it as well, he won't put her in therapy, he won't acknowledge her issues. What IS he actually doing?

How long is the lease on your house?

Honestly, besides having conversations with her about her behaviour, nothing else is being done. The kid has been through a lot and is in desperate need of therapy. BF is the type of person who sits back and hopes things will change. Thing is though, that he needs to be the force behind that change, and it's a position he's uncomfortable with.

The lease on my home is up in mid-august, and boy do I miss that place right now!

 

[Ursula]

Possible the boy friend is catering to the self centered brat out of guilt for splitting with the mother?

You got it!

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Hey 👋 @Ursula, I’m not convinced your boyfriend is really trying to fix this situation at all. It seems like in the big scheme of things, he would prefer you to just accept all that his daughter serves.

If he valued his relationship with you more substantially, he would be doing more to address his daughter’s poor behaviour towards you. That he isn’t, ought to tell you where you really stand.

He's likely acting out of guilt and doesn't want to say no to his daughter. It's fairly common, and always a mistake.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Honestly, besides having conversations with her about her behaviour, nothing else is being done. The kid has been through a lot and is in desperate need of therapy. BF is the type of person who sits back and hopes things will change. Thing is though, that he needs to be the force behind that change, and it's a position he's uncomfortable with.

The lease on my home is up in mid-august, and boy do I miss that place right now!

They need family therapy. When a kid is messed up, that doesn't happen in a vacuum. They all need it.

 

[Mr.Married]

You have been fighting this game for a long time. I don’t see it coming to an end or your boyfriend getting control of the matter. I think you are in for the long haul with this mess.

 

[*Deidre*]

Your bf suggested for it to be over between you two? Wow. You’ve tried so hard Ursula - for him to say that to you shows that he doesn’t grasp how much effort you’ve put into the relationship.

I get that his daughter is caught between her parents, and her mom sounds like a drug addict too? Ugh, I feel for her but you have done all you can. This will be your life if you remain. 😔

It’s beyond cringe how she communicates with her dad. The baby talk and weirdness is so strange. If it’s fake, that’s scarier because she sounds like she’s learning how to manipulate adults. Idk …just think you deserve better. And that he suggested ending things, you might want to reflect on where you fit in here.

 

[Andy1001]

@Ursula my daughter will be six at the end of this month and she doesn’t talk or behave as childishly as your boyfriends daughter.
Has this child ever been seen by a psychologist?

 

[ccpowerslave]

What is that one movie where the child is raised by wolves and is like, “Woof?”