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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's been a year since my ex wife dropped the "I love you but not in love with you bombshell" on 12/12/11. Christmas was (up to that point) my favorite time of the year. I've been divorced since June 19th of this year.

I've gone through the whole year of all the firsts, the holidays, kids birthdays, etc.

I still find I have lingering resentment that I can't get rid of. I can't forgive my ex, or stop associating this time of the year with what she did. She knew I loved Christmas but she couldn't even wait until after the holidays to break up the family.

I've dated a couple different women this past year, been dating a wonderful woman the last three weeks.

I don't miss my ex as a spouse, but I still miss the family functions, the togetherness we had.

How do I get over the lingering resentment, how do I stop associating Christmas with what she did to me?
 

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I hear ya. All too much. Its been over 2 years for me and I still fall to my knees and cry at times. An older guy that has been through a divorce, said," Time heals all wounds". I have to remeber that but it doesnt help except I beleive in the saying and must trust that someday, the pain and resentment WILL go away. The nights are the tuffest, wow they suck. I used to come home and my kids waited up at the kitchen island just to hug me before bed. My ex was there waiting and the house was warm. I go home from worjk and the house is dark and cold. For the first 3 months, I would just sit in the truck and not want to go in!!!! I cried a ton. Its a litter better but I have my moments. What I hate is that when it hits you,,, you can be at work and its almost impossible to stop. I just cry and walk to the bathroom. I hope this time thing is true bro!!
 

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It's been a year since my ex wife dropped the "I love you but not in love with you bombshell" on 12/12/11. Christmas was (up to that point) my favorite time of the year. I've been divorced since June 19th of this year.

I've gone through the whole year of all the firsts, the holidays, kids birthdays, etc.

I still find I have lingering resentment that I can't get rid of. I can't forgive my ex, or stop associating this time of the year with what she did. She knew I loved Christmas but she couldn't even wait until after the holidays to break up the family.

I've dated a couple different women this past year, been dating a wonderful woman the last three weeks.

I don't miss my ex as a spouse, but I still miss the family functions, the togetherness we had.

How do I get over the lingering resentment, how do I stop associating Christmas with what she did to me?
You have to stop associating her actions as "what she did to me". Understand that she is a broken person with her own set of issues. Let me ask you this: how much personal growth have you had because of this? Focus on the positives and thank her for this. Once you become grateful, that will sweep away the left over resentment.
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You have to stop associating her actions as "what she did to me". Understand that she is a broken person with her own set of issues. Let me ask you this: how much personal growth have you had because of this? Focus on the positives and thank her for this. Once you become grateful, that will sweep away the left over resentment.
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I dont understand that comment. Theres really nothing to be thankful for. Some people (the other half) was happy. The kids were happy. Just bc one person goes nuts due to mid-life crisis or whatever made them think the grass is greener does not mean that any part of this is positive. Life will suck bigtime for a while,, time will hopefully heal but there will be a scar just like surgery. A permanent scar. He will be happy again but greiving is normal.
 

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I dont understand that comment. Theres really nothing to be thankful for. Some people (the other half) was happy. The kids were happy. Just bc one person goes nuts due to mid-life crisis or whatever made them think the grass is greener does not mean that any part of this is positive. Life will suck bigtime for a while,, time will hopefully heal but there will be a scar just like surgery. A permanent scar. He will be happy again but greiving is normal.
And have you done nothing to improve yourself through this process? There is always something to be grateful for, and that, my friend, is why you have lingering resentment.
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It sounds corny but time will help. Maybe just resign yourself to this Christmas being a bit average but don't let it take over your thoughts.

Next year will be a new one and I hope a great one for you. By next Christmas life will be much better and you can start to create new customs and memories for the Holiday season. This feeling you have now will disappear over time or at least it will lessen.
 

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I'm not sure the resentment will ever completely go away. Now, recovering from it doesn't take long anymore, however, and will continue to lessen with time.

As for Christmas....I'll admit I've become a little bit of a scrooge over holidays. I do my part to put on a good face for my daughter and to do the best I can to make it special for her but so much has changed for myself and what I really believe. I'm probably not one to listen to for advice on this as I've kind of just buried myself into work this year when I don't have my girl.
 

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My ex made the declaration 2 days before Christmas, almost 2 years ago now. I am not sure its resentment, it certainly is sadness. I am alternatively sad and angry. We used to have awesome Christmas'. We had all kinds of traditions, decorating the tree, going to the farm to pick it up. The outside of our house always looked awesome, we baked cookies and sometimes forgot to put out gifts we hid. And you know what, my kids and I still do all that. He is out, living life on his own. Both kids will be here with their girlfriends on Christmas morning, I have a tree that looks and smells great. I did cry putting it up and getting all the decorations together. I cry while I am out shopping. And I continue to miss sharing all this with him. But more than resentment, this year I feel the gratitude that goes with having been a great Mom and good wife, knowing that I get to reap all the rewards from that. Hang in, time does make this easier to handle
 

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Do you really think it would have been better had she waited? Then you would have known you were living a lie and the happiness at the holidays was false.

Maybe you can turn around your viewpoint by seeing the holidays as more of an awakening - of finding truth. The prelude to the new beginnings of the New Year.

Meanwhile, you can continue your traditions on a scale and timetable that works with your new arrangement or create a new one. I don't have my daughter for Christmas but since we have to meet her Dad at 10pm on Christmas Eve, our new tradition is to drive around and look at Christmas lights until it's time to meet him.

So take mental possession of the happiness that is yours. Instead of focusing on what you liked and miss of the old life, focus on what you can do to enjoy the new life.
 

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Im starting to like learning to do things in a new way. I sure do miss the family-cohesion, but thats gone anyways.
Thing is, on Christmas this year, my kid will be with my ex. I will have her the day before, so no biggie, and I plan on spiking my Christmas coffee, and a whole lot more that day.. in my pajamas, something on the grill..
 

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Im starting to like learning to do things in a new way. I sure do miss the family-cohesion, but thats gone anyways.
Thing is, on Christmas this year, my kid will be with my ex. I will have her the day before, so no biggie, and I plan on spiking my Christmas coffee, and a whole lot more that day.. in my pajamas, something on the grill..
Ditto - except it will be mimosas or Irish coffee with girlfriends. And I'll get dressed. :)
 

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Ah my dear Proud - you have to create new memories, ones that don't involve her. I can't wait to do it, first Xmas 'alone' for 13 years and I can do things my way

Then the old memories will start to fade and be replaced. Create some new traditions with your kids, start drinking early and it will all be over before you know it :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
@Dolly & All the others,
I guess it's tough because as much as I try not to I'm still stuck in the her life seems so perfect now, she has been dating someone since three months before our divorce, she has the house. I have to be reminded of how great her life is when I pick the kid up there Sunday night. She works the traditional Monday through Friday.

Me, I work retail, never have weekends off, if I'm lucky maybe one weekend off every few months, I am constantly working until 7 or 8pm at night, makes it tough to have a normal life. The days I do have off I have my children (which I absolutely love) but no time to really do much with the ladies. I can't switch jobs because I can't afford to make less with how much I have to pay out in child support.

She once told me she doesn't understand why I'm struggling so much with money because she is living comfortably (I had to bite my tongue from saying of course you are living comfortably, you get your income plus 25% of mine) and I have my kids three nights a week.

It's the fairness I struggle with. Just a little over a year ago life seemed great, now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm 35 and I don't know if I'll ever own a house again, I may always have to live with someone just to make it. I work 50-55 hours a week to barely make it.

Someone tell me when the Karma train helps me out? I didn't want the divorce, I wanted to stay and fight....she bails on our marriage, our family and her life now seems better and it's all she wants.

Sorry I'm just REALLY struggling right now.
 

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One thing I really do not understand is why it always appears one ex spouse always struggles to survive financially and the other lives so comfortable. And, it seems like the one who left is usually the one living the "good" life. I read it over and over again on here. Seems like our courts would have figured this all out by now. Notice, I'm not saying this is even gender specific even though I'm a male but my ex has a new house, a new car, new hair, nails, etc every month and I'm having to really crunch numbers every month to save a little. I just don't understand this at all.

The bad thing is, I got a really good settlement in my divorce. It could have been a whole lot worst.

I know every situation is different and my ex immediately moved in with POSOM and is using his salary to pay for a lot of things but it still sucks. She's the one who had the darn affair.

I read your story, Proud, and I'm seeing exactly the same thing going on in my life. Doesn't make much sense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I just had a customer stop in the store I work at, asked me if my ex was so and so. I said yes. Well small world she lives next door to my ex wife's boyfriend. She recognized my kids from the pictures I've showed her. She said I have such cute kids, and keep my head up divorce is tough; she then said you never know what can happen can lose a spouse to a car accident.

I hate this analogy! If I lost my girlfriend/wife to a car accident, I know it was an accident but not that they wanted to leave me, that I was no longer good enough for them, etc.

Divorce hurts more I think because the person is still around, they chose to leave you, that you don't matter to them anymore, that what you once shared is no important anymore.
 

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Yes, a tough pill to swallow. If I remember right reading your earlier posts you sounded a lot like I did immediately following my divorce. I got knocked down and I was hell-bent on making sure that I got up immediately and dusted myself off and was going to show the world....Well, reality hit and then I had to take some time to myself to figure this new life out. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer. I am more content now....Not satisfied but ok with where my life is at now.

I know the feeling of thinking that you will never own another home. I'm still fighting my way out of debt, too. It's gonna be awhile. Funny thing is I really don't need anything fancy. I just want my own yard and to find a piece of crap fixer-upper. I want my garden. At least I have a nice greenhouse hooked up to my classroom here at the school.

Proud, it may seem like you are back-tracking right now, but if you are like me, and it sounds like you are, then you are actually just now finally moving forward.
 

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Proud, it's natural you'll have a wobble every now and again, but you need to stop focusing on how 'fabby' her life is and what she's doing. She's only showing what she wants to show.

My ex is living with another woman (most likely OW) who he has described as his 'soulmate', started a new job, etc. But I know, because he finds it hard to hide his feelings even now, that everything isn't rosy. I mean he had the cheek to text me and tell me how much they argue and how he doesn't know if he can put up with it and then the next week he's all loved up again. I just ignore it - my life and D's life are the only things that matter now. It's still not been a long time for you in the big scheme of things, just take each day at a time. Focus on your kids and your new girlfriend - remember, grab life by the balls and squeeze!
 

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I've been reading a lot of your posts ProudWIDaddy and it looks like I will be going through a lot of what you are in the near future. Like you, I don't want this divorce, but if my spouse is determined, I can't stop it. If you have any advise for me check out my post in Considering Divorce " No More Mr. Doormat." Thanks in advance.
 

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She once told me she doesn't understand why I'm struggling so much with money because she is living comfortably (I had to bite my tongue from saying of course you are living comfortably, you get your income plus 25% of mine) and I have my kids three nights a week.
I'm hoping you didn't get stuck with a lifetime alimony, did you?
 
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