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I have been married to my gorgeous and lovely wife for 19 years. We have a active Sex Life. My wife outside of the bedroom has an amazing wardrobe, and she dressed sexy when the occasion is appropriate.

For the entire 19 years we have been married, I have on a regular basis, purchased very lovely and sometimes costly, lingerie. Most of this lingerie is very lovely, and not the liking most would consider distasteful.


99% of the time, she never brings it out of the closet. Only very rarely does she, and when she does, it is because I have asked several times to wear this item or that, and she will do it. I don't ask in a den,anding way. I try tp do it as part of a build up, and in a suggestive, and even seductie way, to set the mood.

Outside of the typical, "my thighs aren't as tight as I would like", my wife has no major body issues or hangups or insecurities, that many women verbalize. She is very beautiful, and gets compliments from me and others, on a daily basis. She is a stunning and striking woman. Although, I have never disrespected her and treated her like arm candy, but only tried to let her know I adore her, love her, and think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

After 19 years, I am frustrated. The Lingerie teases me, and helps me get in the mood. Seeing her in it, well, it turns me on, lights my fire, and gets me going.


HELP! She knows this is something I desire. Anything, and I mean anything else in our relationship or marriage that I expressed I desired, she would fall all over herself to give me.

Please help me understand this or see her point of view? Why is there such a block or avoidance of something she knows is something I desire and want.


I actually there out some of the items I have purchased over the years, to make room in the closet for clothes for myself, and I don't think she ever noticed it. Or if she did, never said anything.


Should I just give up on this, and be ok with t-shirts and PJ's, or is there something I am missing or doing wrong?
 

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Do you relate to this quote?

“I love lingerie, but what a lot of women don't understand is that lingerie is a type of costume. You've got to actually work the lingerie, give it some personality. Just showing up in pretty underwear is nice, but bring the character with it. If it's naughty, be naughty, demure, be demure. If you're wearing leather boots and a corset, and aren't actually backing up that dominatrix look with a bit of an attitude, it's simply not going to work as well.”
 

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I like my wife in lingerie, but I've never bought her any - she buys it to wear for me. Its clearly her gift to me.

I buy her sensual as opposed to sexual clothes - silk bathrobes in pretty patterns in the summer, or warm fluffy robes for the winter. Things that are nice for her - though she looks hot in them even if they don't expose a lot of flesh.

OP, maybe it is sort of a mixed message. The lingerie you get her is really a gift for you, but getting it for her make it seem more like you consider it a gift for her. (am I making any sense?)
 

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Some women just don't feel like they can pull off lingerie. Maybe your wife is one of them. Maybe it might go better if you take her shopping and let her pick out what she likes instead of just buying it for her?

I'd ask her why she's so reluctant to wear it. Maybe it's just not her thing and so she rarely thinks of it.
 

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She might simply not enjoy wearing it, but it seems like it could be deeper than that. Maybe she gets the sense that you simply like lingerie, in a general sense, and it doesn't make her feel special. It could also be that she feels that wearing lingerie turns sex with you, into a show about her. That she needs to parade around wearing lingerie in order to fully get you in the mood. That she's not enough.

She might not be thinking this on a conscious level, but you seem to beg her to do this often enough, where it might be annoying to her, at this point, to feel like she's not quite enough, sexually for you.

Of course, these are just guesses.
 

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Do you relate to this quote?

“I love lingerie, but what a lot of women don't understand is that lingerie is a type of costume. You've got to actually work the lingerie, give it some personality. Just showing up in pretty underwear is nice, but bring the character with it. If it's naughty, be naughty, demure, be demure. If you're wearing leather boots and a corset, and aren't actually backing up that dominatrix look with a bit of an attitude, it's simply not going to work as well.”
I can totally relate to it...the thing about sex for me is, it doesn't work for me if my partner is doing it, because I want them to do it. When married my wife was always willing to have sex, at anytime. But lingerie? Not really. She would wear it if I purchased it, but it wasn't her. She was very uncomfortable in it, and often only half of the outfit purchased would even be put on. I think most on here know I wasn't faithful in my marriage, so it should come as no surprise that my mistresses were highly sexual, it was indeed who they were. Showing up to meet me at a bar with nothing but thigh highs, heels and trench coats. Or wearing nothing but one of my neckties and heels when I drop in for a visit. When my marriage ended it got even crazier. My first girlfriend literally had an entire collection of shoes that were for the bedroom, and never worn anywhere else. She literally would not have sex without a high end pair of shoes or boots on her feet. Yes....I know all of this sounds sleazy, but the point I am trying to get across is, that it doesn't do you any good to have someone do something for you because YOU want it. It has to be who they are. I'd rather accept them as is, then have them play a role that makes them uncomfortable.
 

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Do you relate to this quote?

“I love lingerie, but what a lot of women don't understand is that lingerie is a type of costume. You've got to actually work the lingerie, give it some personality. Just showing up in pretty underwear is nice, but bring the character with it. If it's naughty, be naughty, demure, be demure. If you're wearing leather boots and a corset, and aren't actually backing up that dominatrix look with a bit of an attitude, it's simply not going to work as well.”
I can totally relate to it...the thing about sex for me is, it doesn't work for me if my partner is doing it, because I want them to do it. When married my wife was always willing to have sex, at anytime. But lingerie? Not really. She would wear it if I purchased it, but it wasn't her. She was very uncomfortable in it, and often only half of the outfit purchased would even be put on. I think most on here know I wasn't faithful in my marriage, so it should come as no surprise that my mistresses were highly sexual, it was indeed who they were. Showing up to meet me at a bar with nothing but thigh highs, heels and trench coats. Or wearing nothing but one of my neckties and heels when I drop in for a visit. When my marriage ended it got even crazier. My first girlfriend literally had an entire collection of shoes that were for the bedroom, and never worn anywhere else. She literally would not have sex without a high end pair of shoes or boots on her feet. Yes....I know all of this sounds sleazy, but the point I am trying to get across is, that it doesn't do you any good to have someone do something for you because YOU want it. It has to be who they are. I'd rather accept them as is, then have them play a role that makes them uncomfortable.
This works in reverse too.

If you wear lingerie and your man barely notices and just wants it off of you, it’s obvious there is no reason to put it on and strut around in it.

My first husband and a couple of boyfriends were oblivious to lingerie and just wanted it off of me. Some almost seemed annoyed by it being in the way of my skin.

I understood their preference, but it meant that one of my preferences, to strut around in sexy clothes, was not only not appreciated it was also dampened and never really allowed.

Since me strutting around in **** clothes was something he thought the only purpose of was to turn him on, he would actively stop me and say it would turn him on more for me to just be naked. It did not occur to him that I wanted to do this because it made me feel sexy.

Yet...since he didn’t want me to do it, I quickly adjusted and realized, he does not think this is sexy.

Ok I accept he doesn’t think it is sexy so I’ll be happy he just wants to see me naked all the time.

But that still left out this really fun thing I like to do so I would end up fantasizing about giving someone an amazing strip tease.
 

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Is she really tired? Busy, difficult work days/week?

Sometimes lingerie can feel like a job. Lots of prep work almost. A lot of it is very uncomfortable too. The costume ones (Naughty nurse kinda stuff) can be itchy. Though the point is for them not to stay on long.

Have you tried suggesting something like, “Sunday morning I want you to wear that sexy one I got you last month. I’ll make it worth your while.” >:) Then remind her Saturday night that you are looking forward to it.
 

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@husbandthatadoresher

How would you feel if your wife told you that she needs you to dress up like some movie hunk, or body builder, etc. in order for her to fully get into having sex with you? That you alone are not enough for her?
 

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This works in reverse too.

If you wear lingerie and your man barely notices and just wants it off of you, it’s obvious there is no reason to put it on and strut around in it.
I learned this lesson. Once after a night out I was in the mood for a sandwich. I didn't notice that my girlfriend had put on a sexy outfit. Because well...I was sandwich focused. At first I noticed a slight mood change, but I didn't know why until she said, "Are you going to put down that effing sandwich!!!" So I did. A man needs to understand his priorities...the poor sandwich was left all alone. I wasn't upset for being called out. Its only fair, you can't expect someone to go through the trouble if you're not even going to notice, so it does go both ways. Its not something I want all the time, but is nice on occasion.
 

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I learned this lesson. Once after a night out I was in the mood for a sandwich. I didn't notice that my girlfriend had put on a sexy outfit. Because well...I was sandwich focused. At first I noticed a slight mood change, but I didn't know why until she said, "Are you going to put down that effing sandwich!!!" So I did. A man needs to understand his priorities...the poor sandwich was left all alone. I wasn't upset for being called out. Its only fair, you can't expect someone to go through the trouble if you're not even going to notice, so it does go both ways. Its not something I want all the time, but is nice on occasion.
I’m confused, why did she make you the sammich in the first place???

But seriously, lingerie and other props (hooker/stripper shoes are my jam) can be distracting and take the focus off of her. That can be nice, occasionally, as long as we are on the same page about it.
 

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I have been married to my gorgeous and lovely wife for 19 years. We have a active Sex Life. My wife outside of the bedroom has an amazing wardrobe, and she dressed sexy when the occasion is appropriate.

For the entire 19 years we have been married, I have on a regular basis, purchased very lovely and sometimes costly, lingerie. Most of this lingerie is very lovely, and not the liking most would consider distasteful.


99% of the time, she never brings it out of the closet. Only very rarely does she, and when she does, it is because I have asked several times to wear this item or that, and she will do it. I don't ask in a den,anding way. I try tp do it as part of a build up, and in a suggestive, and even seductie way, to set the mood....

....After 19 years, I am frustrated. The Lingerie teases me, and helps me get in the mood. Seeing her in it, well, it turns me on, lights my fire, and gets me going.


HELP! She knows this is something I desire. Anything, and I mean anything else in our relationship or marriage that I expressed I desired, she would fall all over herself to give me.

Please help me understand this or see her point of view?
Why is there such a block or avoidance of something she knows is something I desire and want.....

Should I just give up on this, and be ok with t-shirts and PJ's, or is there something I am missing or doing wrong?
I feel your pain. I've been married almost 48 years. No lingerie, no sexy nighties, nothing ever, not even on our wedding night.

I have come to learn in marriage counseling, it is just not her thing, even if it is mine. When we have discussed it, in frustration she harshly told me that I didn't marry a sl#t, so don't expect her to dress like one.

You need to count your blessings and at least know she has worn such things for you. Let it go. You can't change your wife, only she can change herself. You can offer positive feedback to any changes she makes.

You are pressuring her to do something she doesn't want to do. That is not going to make it happen. I would wager she fees very pressured by you and that is not good for a healthy marriage. Give it up, apologize to her, tell her you won't buy any more and you will not ask her again. Then walk the talk and figure out what you love about her.

Good luck.
 

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I learned this lesson. Once after a night out I was in the mood for a sandwich. I didn't notice that my girlfriend had put on a sexy outfit. Because well...I was sandwich focused. At first I noticed a slight mood change, but I didn't know why until she said, "Are you going to put down that effing sandwich!!!" So I did. A man needs to understand his priorities...the poor sandwich was left all alone. I wasn't upset for being called out. Its only fair, you can't expect someone to go through the trouble if you're not even going to notice, so it does go both ways. Its not something I want all the time, but is nice on occasion.
I dunno.

Sometimes I'd finish the sandwich.
😎😎
 

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@husbandthatadoresher

How would you feel if your wife told you that she needs you to dress up like some movie hunk, or body builder, etc. in order for her to fully get into having sex with you? That you alone are not enough for her?
Because the OP appreciates lingerie he would totally be understanding if his wife ever asked him to return the favor. In my opinion lingerie perhaps is attributed to the mode of lovemaking for those that enjoy a little role play. Some people are just incompatible with any notion of role play while others embrace it.
 

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I dunno.

Sometimes I'd finish the sandwich.
😎😎
LoL, when it comes to sex I do think the male brain changes over time. I am still very much into it, and almost never turn it down....but...its not something that is constantly on my mind like when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I still laugh at that night, because when I was in my twenties she wouldn't have had the opportunity to go upstairs and change even. I would have been ready to go as soon as we got back home from the restaurant. But I am still almost always ready to go. Especially now since I can record all my favorite TV shows on my DVR :rofl:
 

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Because the OP appreciates lingerie he would totally be understanding if his wife ever asked him to return the favor. In my opinion lingerie perhaps is attributed to the mode of lovemaking for those that enjoy a little role play. Some people are just incompatible with any notion of role play while others embrace it.
I see your point, but have a different perspective. You are probably correct for some folks.

I enjoy fly fishing every now and then and started tying my own flies in Jr High School. Fly's don't often look exactly like the bugs the fish are eating, but they trigger a response deep in the brain of the fish.

For me there are various ways my wife can arouse me. Some involve touch, some involve sounds and the spoken word, some involve smell and her pheromones, some involve taste. But some also involve visual stimulation.

Just like a fish, seeing a little bit of feathers, fur and fabric/thread (in the form of lingerie) delicately presented in front of me can trigger a primal instinct in my brain.

Still, my wife wants no part of it. And yes we have discussed it. I can't change her and she has other great qualities that I love.
 

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Just like a fish, seeing a little bit of feathers, fur and fabric/thread (in the form of lingerie) delicately presented in front of me can trigger a primal instinct in my brain.

Still, my wife wants no part of it. And yes we have discussed it. I can't change her and she has other great qualities that I love.
I completely agree with you. There is also some research that indicates that certain experiences get imprinted into our brains. For example if your very first sexual partner liked a certain perfume, that smell in your brain will always have a strong association with being in the presence of a sexually receptive partner.

The same goes for certain articles of clothing. Most people may have their first exposure to lingerie by opening the mailbox and discovering an underwear catalog. It has almost been a cliche in society that all men at various ages enjoy lingerie catalogs. From that point forward that type of clothing becomes associated with sexual receptiveness in the event it is exploited as a self pleasure aid.

Test have been done with mice taking various smells and objects that would normally repel it and associating that with a sexually receptive partner. I think the scientist used heavy metal music and bright flashing lights in one experiment. The result was that they could get the mouse to mate with a dummy partner by cranking up the music and flashing all sorts of lights.

So perhaps the OP might want to examine if certain past experiences, partners, or media may have imprinted the idea of lingerie onto him. He might then be able to explain to his wife a little better why he likes it. As long as it is not associated with any of his previous partners, that might help her feel more comfortable regarding this topic. If it was associated with another partner, well then some people will obviously have issues with that.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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LoL, when it comes to sex I do think the male brain changes over time. I am still very much into it, and almost never turn it down....but...its not something that is constantly on my mind like when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I still laugh at that night, because when I was in my twenties she wouldn't have had the opportunity to go upstairs and change even. I would have been ready to go as soon as we got back home from the restaurant. But I am still almost always ready to go. Especially now since I can record all my favorite TV shows on my DVR :rofl:

It's not on your mind all the time...until you aren't getting any.
 
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