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We have finally established (mutual understanding) that my husband is an alcoholic. (i now realize that for quite some time he had verbal abused me, but it has pretty much stopped).

When he was in college he partied hard, did cocaine (snort) and was out all night. I, being naive and in love, overlooked it. He has not done that for over a decade, but has started again.

He has spent over $20,000 in various activities - buying stuff for him and his friends going gambling, strip clubs etc.

I will clarify that we are upstanding citizens, own our home, have no criminal records etc.

I am extremely frustrated, resentful, angry. I am to the point where I get to be a basketcase screaming at him...which of course makes him want to leave and party some more. Now he tells me he thinks that i am the crazy one (with good reason!).

I try to tell him that is is not fair - the only reason that he is mad at me is because i am mad at him because he is out all night most every night. I have suffered from some bouts of depresson and anxiety..which makes me not so much fun to be around ...he points out...which makes him want to leave too.

I get SOOO mad that he won't come home, but i can't make him come home. i have actually tracked him down and driven out to where he hangs out (an hour a way) which really pisses him off. But he won't answer my calls anymore.

I feel like i am at the end of my rope. And he talks like he gets it - he repeats it. He admits that what he does is unacceptable and wrong. But somehow I think that he thinks that admitting it is as if he didn't do it. as if it is a justification for me not being mad at him anymore.

I want our life back. and I am not sure what to do. It seems like i am only pushing him farther away, but a the same time - i can't just pretend that it didn't happen.

I don't believe he as slept with anyone, but I feel betrayed all the same.

What should i do just bottle it up until he gets help?, and can anyone recommend anyplace to check in to for substance/ alcohol abuse problems.
 

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You have become addicted to his disease, you spend
a lot of time trying to help him and deal with the drama

Pull back, focus on you, let him continue on his merry path
as telling him he needs help is useless until the pain of addiction
causes him enough pain that he gives up and does something
about it

My wife went though exactly what you are going thru, She
threw me out, I went crazy partying (poor poor me) and
finally had had enough, gave up and got help

She gained the power to do this by going to Al Anon,

No one quits addiction until the pain becomes unbearable
 

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I agree with the above poster. I also think that like me you are going to get extremely tired of this. These grown men are not children. Therefore we shouldn't look after them as such. If we took all the energy we've spent on tracking them, yelling, screaming, trying to reason with, trying to save the 'marriage' or whatever is left of it, etc. and we put that energy into something else. Perhaps finding new friends for ourselves, or working on something else of ours, we'd be doing a lot better. I got so tired, I spent years tracking things, and checking statements, and finding motel receipts, calls to escort services, and yah the 'apologies' came and went. Eventually, you have to say enough is enough. I have my own life I have to live. Stop getting involved with his negative behavior.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And let me ask, while he is out doing all this partying, does he still get clean laundry? dinner? and a clean house? because if he does, let me tell you, there is no reason to stop. I mean, why stop, when he can do whatever the hell he wants, and still has you doing all these things for him.
Find info on this site about the 180. Treat him like he deserves to be treated, and treat yourself like you deserve to be treated. He sleeps well at night, you should too.
If he wants to drag his life down, fine, let him do it, but don't let him drag you down with him. You've done your best.

I started having panic attacks, rage, migraines, even IBS, the stress was maddening, and he still sleeps like a baby. Eventually, I moved on, I make dinner when I want to eat dinner, I wash clothes when i need clean clothes, if he has energy to go womanize and drink, he has energy to do his own chores.
I am telling you, if you let it, this will leave you in a deep depression, while he continues to walk all over you, without regard to your feelings. It is disrespectful and rude.
You need to respect yourself. And if it means eventually leaving him, than do so. Do you really see yourself going crazy for five more years? Where are you going to be then?
 

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You are not crazy but you are living in a crazy making world. It is important to understand that you are not responsible for his behavior; however, addiction is a systemic problem. Although you may not realize it you are enabling the behavior. To overcome addiction issues in your relationship the addiction problem needs to become his. This will mean many things for you:

Be unwilling to live in the chaos and abusive dynamics of addiction. This means separating yourself from the co-dependent nature of addiction by setting firm boundaries around what you will and will not accept in your life.

Getting support and taking care of you, either through counseling or an organization such as AL- anon.

This must very hard on yourself esteem and it seems clear that he is unable to care for you emotionally, financially or physically. The bottom line is you have to take care of yourself. If I may recommend the book, Codependent No More- How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie.

I wish you all the best.
 

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it took my wife a long time to make me understand this.
you have to take a firm stand.
decide what you will/will not tolerate and do not waver from it.
make him accountable for his actions.
my wife let me get away with this kind of behavior for YEARS, and i took full advantage of it.
draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. otherwise he will not ever quit.
 

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YES, YES, YES to all the above. I've been in AA / NA for 30+ years and one thing I can tell you without hesitation, we (drunks and users) will say or do ANYTHING that allows us to continue to get loaded with the least amount of pain. For your own sanity, turn up his pain by looking after yourself first.

Suggestions:
Try Al-Anon for yourself.

If he's not employable, send him to rehab. If he is, either rehab or AA/NA. It won't work for him if he's only doing it for you, but at least he'll get the exposure and maybe, just maybe, he'll start to see the light.

And the alternative, you have some serious decisions to make. Of course it depends on kids, etc., but it may be time to consider an exit strategy. I have met women in Al_Anon that put up with this crap for 30 years. That's not for me.

I'm going through the same thing with my wife now. After 2 and a half years this is it. She either sticks with NA or I'm out. No more chances. i hope she make the right decision but that's up to her. I had enough problems with my own addiction. I'm not going to let her addiction control the rest of my life.

I deserve better than that - and so do you!

Regards,
Kevin
 
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