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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have recently decided to end my marriage. After the holidays, I will be leaving my husband and setting out as a single mother. My main reasons are in a post in the considering divorce thread.

Here is where it gets complicated... I have a male friend that I have known for nearly five years. Our relationship has been purely platonic because we are both married. About a year ago, I realized that I was starting to develop feelings for him, which in addition to other reasons, made me start to question why I was still married to my soon to be ex husband. I never acted on these feelings or did anything that would give anyone reason to suspect that I cared for him as any more than a friend.

A couple of months ago, he told me that he and his wife are having problems and he wanted to leave her. He asked me not to say anything as he would deal with that himself. His wife is the type that would not have taken the news from me any better, so I have not said anything.

Earlier this month, they got into a fight and he left. Even though I had nothing to do with their arguement, she accused him of sleeping with me. I let her know how mad I was to hear that and told her I would never do anything with her husband behind her back. While he was gone. she even behaved inappropriately, threatening suicide where her daughter could hear, taking family pics down, and telling the kids that he didn't care about them. Out of concern for the kids, I asked him to go back and give it another try, as she promised she would make changes if he did. I also selfishly realized that if they split, I would lose atleast one of them as a friend permenantly. My son adores her husband and I would hate to see him lose him.

During their fight he also told me that he has not been in love with her for years and he is in love with me now. He has a job lined up near my hometown area (out of state) where his family is also and a place of his own to live when he gets there. He wants me and my son to go too...

A couple of weeks later, he confided in me again that she has not changed and he is planning to leave again. He is now waithing for my answer.

He is everything I have always wanted. I do love him and my son has said he wishes he were his daddy instead of my husband. My son has even slipped and called him daddy and his wife thought it was cute how close they are. He loves my son as much as his own kids and would be great to him.

The problem is that if his wife realizes how unhappy he is, she doesn't show it. She says she loves him deeply, but she gets aggitated when he is home or calls her while he is at work. When he is home, she wants him to go to work. When he is at work, she wants him home. She has been told she is bipolar, but refuses to get help because of how her mother is on medication for it.

I don't know what to do. She is my best friend and I would never do anything to hurt her, but knowing he feels the same about me as I do him is making things difficult. I don't want to tell her because I will lose her as a friend, but if I went with him, I would end up with her as an enemy and she would turn their kids against me and him. His daughter said when he left last time that when she was 13 she would tell a judge she wants to live with him, but I don't know how much her mother will change that in the next 3 years.

I don't want to lose anyone. He does so much for me, like fixing my car cheaper than a shop would charge and being a father figure to my son. She will not be able to help me make it on my own as money will be tight for both of us, so I may have to move back home anyway. I wish things were back the way they were and they could stay together and be happy and I just continue to keep my feelings a secret...
 

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Wow! You're in a tough spot...

This isn't going to be easy, so you have to make a choice
which one is more important to you?
Her friendship or you're desire to be with her husband
either choice will come with some pain...
 

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I hope this doesn't sound like the selfish move, but honestly? I think you should be with him. It's rare when we find love, and if both of you feel that way, you should try it.

That being said, a lot has to be done before you go ahead for that. Since you don't want to lose her friendship, your best bet is to confront her and at least tell her how you feel about her actions, and the way she's treating her kids. If she already knows she's bi-polar, that this is medical fact, she really needs to address that. It's for her own health and those around her. Perhaps you should try approaching her first and tell her she needs to take care of herself because she is hurting her family. The way she's acting out, she will distance herself from her kids, too, not just her husband. It will be hard for her to hear, and perhaps she will hate you and you two will have a messy falling out. But from what you've said, I think she needs to really start taking care of herself before she can mend her relationships.

Good luck!
 

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I have recently decided to end my marriage. After the holidays, I will be leaving my husband and setting out as a single mother. My main reasons are in a post in the considering divorce thread.

Here is where it gets complicated... I have a male friend that I have known for nearly five years. Our relationship has been purely platonic because we are both married. About a year ago, I realized that I was starting to develop feelings for him, which in addition to other reasons, made me start to question why I was still married to my soon to be ex husband. I never acted on these feelings or did anything that would give anyone reason to suspect that I cared for him as any more than a friend.

A couple of months ago, he told me that he and his wife are having problems and he wanted to leave her. He asked me not to say anything as he would deal with that himself. His wife is the type that would not have taken the news from me any better, so I have not said anything.

Earlier this month, they got into a fight and he left. Even though I had nothing to do with their arguement, she accused him of sleeping with me. I let her know how mad I was to hear that and told her I would never do anything with her husband behind her back. While he was gone. she even behaved inappropriately, threatening suicide where her daughter could hear, taking family pics down, and telling the kids that he didn't care about them. Out of concern for the kids, I asked him to go back and give it another try, as she promised she would make changes if he did. I also selfishly realized that if they split, I would lose atleast one of them as a friend permenantly. My son adores her husband and I would hate to see him lose him.

During their fight he also told me that he has not been in love with her for years and he is in love with me now. He has a job lined up near my hometown area (out of state) where his family is also and a place of his own to live when he gets there. He wants me and my son to go too...

A couple of weeks later, he confided in me again that she has not changed and he is planning to leave again. He is now waithing for my answer.

He is everything I have always wanted. I do love him and my son has said he wishes he were his daddy instead of my husband. My son has even slipped and called him daddy and his wife thought it was cute how close they are. He loves my son as much as his own kids and would be great to him.

The problem is that if his wife realizes how unhappy he is, she doesn't show it. She says she loves him deeply, but she gets aggitated when he is home or calls her while he is at work. When he is home, she wants him to go to work. When he is at work, she wants him home. She has been told she is bipolar, but refuses to get help because of how her mother is on medication for it.

I don't know what to do. She is my best friend and I would never do anything to hurt her, but knowing he feels the same about me as I do him is making things difficult.

Bullhockey. You've been doing plenty to hurt her AND your family since the moment you started exchanging such personal information with HER husband.

I don't want to tell her because I will lose her as a friend, but if I went with him, I would end up with her as an enemy and she would turn their kids against me and him. His daughter said when he left last time that when she was 13 she would tell a judge she wants to live with him, but I don't know how much her mother will change that in the next 3 years.

I don't want to lose anyone. He does so much for me, like fixing my car cheaper than a shop would charge and being a father figure to my son. She will not be able to help me make it on my own as money will be tight for both of us, so I may have to move back home anyway. I wish things were back the way they were and they could stay together and be happy and I just continue to keep my feelings a secret...
It's your responsibility to prevent yourself from playing a role in things like this. If you don't, you should be prepared for the fallout that comes with it. I'm not saying you are "wrong" to feel unhappy in your marriage, but your way of coping with your unhappiness is producing unwanted results. Same is true for him. Whether either of you stays or leaves your marriages shouldn't have a thing to do with having another person on the horizon. That's a really crappy reason to leave, and it's hurtful all the way around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
He has nothing to do with me leaving my marriage. I had decided that before he told me how he felt. He claims he will leave whether I say yes or not. I'll have to wait to see if that is true.

I was content to be a single mom and just be glad I had friends around. I would much prefer him to work things out with her and them stay together. If he chooses to leave her, it will put me in a spot to choose who to stay friends with as his wife will make me choose sides. Even if I say no to him, I will have to make a choice who to stand by as friends...
 

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I agree with Working OnMe and Kathy above

You are deluded if you think that you have behaved on the up and up in this situation.

You've shared feelings and issues with this OM that should have been shared with your spouse.

I'm sorry but you've already been in an affair for quite sometime now.
 

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I can understand why you want to divorce your husband. I read your other thread. But IMHO, you should pursue the divorce with your husband if you no longer care for him and you don't see him ever changing. However, you should not start a relationship with the friend's husband either. As others have pointed out, you only see the idealized version of him and you have no idea what he is really like.

My question to you is did you witness all of this drama between the wife and your "OM", or did you get the details from him. Does his characterizations of her fit with what you know about her? It wouldn't be the first time that an unhappy person made their spouse look like a monster to others when reality was very different.

My advice: If your husband refuses to work on the marriage, then divorce. DO NOT pursue this other guy. Spend time with yourself and your kid so that you can take your time and figure out what you really want in a man. What this other guy is doing sounds a lot like a store having a killer "one time only" sale.
 

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Hi,

This is a tough and sticky situation. Ask yourself do you want drama in your life? You deserve to be happy. The second question you want to ask yourself is are you happy with your husband? And is there anything you can do to help save your own marriage? I feel your friend needs to do the same in with his own marriage. I know you said you both have feelings for each other, but the last thing you want to do is leave one relationship and quickly start a new one. Sometimes even the greatest relationship doesn’t work out because they didn’t allow themselves their own space. If you both are meant to be together then you will be and trust that, but please take it step by step before making any sudden decisions. It sounds like your friend wants out of his marriage more than you do? If this is true you still need your own space to figure out your own stuff and the things that you want. This is only my suggestions. At the end of the day what matters is that you’re happy.

Take Care,
Sonia
 

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I just read your thread in the divorce section. You have good reasons for leaving your husband.

You say that your male friend has good reasons to leave his wife.

So my suggestion is that both of you settle your current marriages first. To go from a bad relationship to a new one almost guarentees that the new one will fail. Surely you do not want that.

So get your divorce.

Then you can decide about your friendship with this woman and her husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks everyone. I am currently dealing with my own marriage and divorce. I have told my male friend that I don't feel right starting anything until we are both divorced. He is giving me time to decide and is not pressing the issue.
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Please do not do this! If you must leave your husband then have a clean break and move on with life alone for a while, do not leave him for a family friend. This is exactly what my fiance's mother did and it as done so much damage to her family I cannot even begin to explain.

My fiance's mother left his father for a family friend 16yrs ago and the family is still damaged, it will never heal. It doesnt even matter that they have stayed together for 16 yrs,there is an unspoken pain/divide . .

I can only speak from my fiance’s POV, but, the betrayal hit double strength as he trusted both his mother and the family friend completely (as all children/teenagers do) only to watch them both tear his life apart. His mother and her partner are not bad people (in fact they are lovely), but whenever I hear him talk about that time I cannot get over how selfish they both were.

You are clearly in the EA fog. Please I say again. Dont do this . . .
 

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Thanks everyone. I am currently dealing with my own marriage and divorce. I have told my male friend that I don't feel right starting anything until we are both divorced. He is giving me time to decide and is not pressing the issue.
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It's not fair to say that you don't play a role in each other's decisions to leave. Leaving might be a necessary evil either way, but when that promise is out there on the horizon it absolutely *does* influence our decision-making processes.

I hope you'll wait until at least a year after your divorce is settled to date this man. Doing so too quickly can lead to a rebound situation that can prove disastrous.
 

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You both need some time on your own, once divorces are done. My ex H had JUST divorced when he and I started a relationship, and he was SO in love with me, blah blah blah, we married within 5 months and he divorced me in less than a year to reconcile with his first wife. So, you both need time. If you want to pursue a relationship after your divorces, then do so, but I would STRONGLY recommend against moving in together or marrying right away.
 
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