[SimplyAmorous]

Psychology Behind Why People Lie ........

After reading devastating stories on here day after day ...one realizes 99% of the time it starts with a simple LIE, a simple justified hiding...if people could just learn to be honest with each other ....even when it's not so pretty....... wouldn't this be preferable .... more Respectable ?? ... Sure it is going to lead to some CONFLICT in your relationship, but it gets it on the "operating" table....and has the opportunity to be resolved at "the cutting" (the seed).....before it grows into an overgrown Cancer .....over feeling like a bomb was dropped on your life down the line

....blindsided & betrayed.

I am a very direct person....I try to counter the truth with some grace (how important it is!)....it is not my JOY to offend others but I must remain TRUE to myself... I don't even like to engage in white lies...as much as I can avoid them. I would tie my mouth shut before I complimented when It wasn't sincere - for instance. And don't dare ask me my opinion if all you want is someone to agree with you.

Then we all have friends who like to Stretch the truth...for a :rofl: ...telling BS stories to impress .....not sure how some feel about this - but for me.....such people are like little children "crying wolf" .... once I've gotten this impression from someone, they are put on a lower rung in my book, half idiot....I question everything they say....I just don't understand the mentality, the respect for their word is gone.

I found this article on the net We're All Lying Liars: Why People Tell Lies, and Why White Lies Can Be OK .... I didn't care for it at all ....I do , however, believe the majority of people LIVE like this ...it is acceptable, some feel

makes for a happier society. But at the other end of that rainbow.... we realize we can't trust anyone - the world appears Plastic before us...an honest man we can not find.....even a willing compliment given to us is tainted... insincerity a way of life.

Sad ...very sad I say. And we wonder why noone has any Trust these days.

The Different Kinds of Lies You Tell

1. White Lies - People tell white lies claiming to be tactful or polite ...could be making up an excuse for not going to a party, or showing appreciation for an undesirable gift. But telling white lies after awhile can cause conflict with others because over time they understand the insincerity. That is why white liars can lose their credibility

2. Broken Promises - Broken promises can be especially damaging when the person who made the promise had no intentions whatsoever of keeping their word to begin with.

3. Fabrication - Fabrication is telling others something you don’t know for sure is true. Fabrications are extremely hurtful because they lead to rumors that can damage someone else’s reputation. Spreading rumors is not only a lie but is also stealing another’s reputation.

4. Bold Faced lie - A bold-faced lie is telling something that everyone knows is a lie....When people hear a bold-faced lie they are resentful that the liar would be so belittling of their time & intelligence.

5. Deception - A deceiver tries to create an impression that causes others to be misled, by not telling all the facts, or creating a false impression.

6. Plagiarism- Plagiarism is both stealing and lying. It consists of copying someone else’s work and calling it your own.

7. Compulsive lying- Compulsive lying is often caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention; in fact, the compulsive liar finds it all but impossible to stop. A compulsive liar tells their mistruths even when telling the truth would be easier and better.

.........................

 

[anony2]

Excellent thread SA. I agree, and I find that the majority of time, we make excuses and exceptions for our own lies while holding others responsible for their lies to us.

 

[2ntnuf]

I agree. The best way is telling the truth. It's too bad we all don't feel this way. My first wife lied to me all the time. I told myself I would never put up with that again.

I read books and articles. I talked with various folks. I formed my opinions and talked about them. I did these things in an attempt to be able to recognize a liar and never to get myself into a relationship with a liar ever again.

I failed. I married another liar. The truth is, I did not learn to "trust but verify". I thought I would be able to recognize a lie and just leave the relationship. That became impossible once I fell in love.

I told myself that what I was seeing wasn't true. I thought, "I learned what I need to know. How can be wrong? I must be reading something into this."

I guess I am saying, I needed to start by verifying anything I thought was suspicious. I would then have been able to be honest with myself. I let so much go. It is a shame.

TAM has helped me to realize how what I did and did not do affected my marriage and all of my relationships. I am grateful. Thank you all.

 

[NextTimeAround]

After finding some receipts on the floor of my (future) fiance's apartment that confirmed something that I already had an idea of, I finally let him.

I could name the date and the exact activities. Even then my fiance denied until I told him about the receipts and also the remarks on his EA's wall. I still don't understand why, when I was so specific, he thought it would still be to his benefit to deny.

may be someone can explain that to me.

 

[Desperate_Housewife]

Ever seen the movie called The Invention of Lying? LOL. Trust me, white lies are a good thing. Otherwise, I competely agree with you.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Ever seen the movie called The Invention of Lying? LOL. Trust me, white lies are a good thing. Otherwise, I competely agree with you.

I have not seen this movie ... just read some reviews >> sounds very thought provoking - even pulls religion into the mix, how we soothe people about death ...

The Invention of Lying: Ricky Gervais, Jonah Hill, Movies & TV :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

... Of course we all tell some white Lies.... for instance... there is this kid that wants to hang with my kid... well his last birthday party, a male relative stole all his birthday $$, the kid is accident prone, broken arms, getting hurt in school & the mom has very shady BF's in & out of jail.... Do I want my son going to HIS house... He** NO !!! .. I don't think I am going to tell them why .... I am even hesitant for this boy to come to our house... So if I see them out & about, I try to avoid their path, & hope he finds new friends....if I have to open my mouth or am confronted, I will surely make some excuse as to why our kids won't be hanging out.

But if someone is my TRUE BLUE friend, I know they are not a stalker, they are not out to hurt me, steal from me, harm my children...yeah pretty much...I really don't do the white lied thing... I am the truth to a fault woman... and take my lumps. Judge me if you will. I still like who I am.

If I even think a friend is trying to pacify me, I will call them out on it, I'll tell them to cut the bull....I don't like that, I want an honest answer....I can handle it. There is very little that shocks me about human nature.

I have more respect for the person who sticks their foot in their mouth but is Real about it. I mean , if someone is grouchy 24 hrs a day & hates the world, maybe they shouldn't open their mouth I suppose.... Best for them to be fake ~ just to get along in life ...... but a shame if that is their personality, isn't it?

I guess I feel ...we can all cushion the truth ....or learn to be more graceful with it & obviously MANY THINGS don't need to be said at all .... and mix with a little humor in the delivery... and this is far superior than any manufactured White Lie...for those we are close too that is, who we care about & knows us well.

In a work environment this is a little different, one needs to keep peace, and harmony at whatever cost , too much conflict at work = NOT GOOD. Even if you gravely dislike your co-workers, best to put on a , speak nicely, get along. Your priority is your JOB performance & the company you work for.

I really enjoyed Jim Carrey's Liar Liar , because basically the average man or woman THINKS exactly how he was running at the mouth...now , for me, that movie was hilarious. But yeah, we can't talk like that to everyone...

 

[slpgwthenemy]

oh my god. I LOVE YOU! you say it so well. thank you.

 

[Headspin]

I'm still utterly bemused by this

So many times Ive said to m stbxw "just tell the fking truth" it can hurt but you can at least go forward with the facts on the table.

Even now when it's all crumbled to shvt she still cant, STILL cant - when the evidence is in her face she still can't tell the truth about anything

I'll never understand it

 

[Enginerd]

"You can't handle the truth". Just kidding....

I think this is true in some cases. Some people avoid it like the plague and will resent the person who has the gall to tell them the truth. I only tell my wife she looks good when its true. Should I lie more ?

 

[HopelesslyJaded]

Ever seen the movie called The Invention of Lying? LOL. Trust me, white lies are a good thing. Otherwise, I competely agree with you.

It's worth watching SA. It's a good laugh. I especially laughed at the bar scene right after he discovers how to lie.

But the brutality of the honesty is wild! Like when he goes to pick up Jennifer Garner's character at her apt. LOL


I agree with being honest but I have really hurt people's feelings before by being honest. My husband especially. I don't like to lie. I also will not hand out a compliment if it's not genuine. I won't even say "awwe how cute" when presented with someone's baby if I don't believe it so. In real life I just try not to engage in conversations that I know I will have an unpopular opinion on. But sometimes they just insist on asking.

Reading the post below me I have to admit, when asked at the grocery store. "How are you doing today?" I always say "Pretty good" whether it's the truth or not. They don't care. They are just doing their job.

 

[Broken at 20]

Because lying is easy.

When my mom asked me how am I doing in my classes, do I tell her I failed a test due to the fact I am getting zero sleep? No, I lie and say fine. Because I don't want her getting on my case about studying. (she is a teacher, so...)

When mom came home a few weeks ago after church ot find the house a mess and dad and me beat up, did we say we had a fight? No.
But it certainly looked like it...

When my sister asked me why mommy and daddy are splitting up, do I say because daddy went out and boned another women for 2+ years? No, I say they are just angry at each other.


This may sound little, but it gets bigger, and bigger.

Do politicians tell the truth and get elected to office? You kidding?

Do lawyers tell the truth? Find me an honest lawyer.

Do politicians say why the reason kids are failing in schools is because they have uncaring unactive parents that don't push them? No, they blame teachers. They don't want to tell parents to be a better parent. You will lose all your votes! You find someone else to blame.

Did my dad take the blame for the affair? No, he lied until he was guilted into having to come clean.


Lies are easy.
It is like building a house out of cards. Quick and easy to construct.
But feeble, and easily destroyed.
The bigger the lie, the bigger the house.
The bigger the house, the bigger the fall out.

 

[scione]

I can't help it.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Enginerd said : Some people avoid it like the plague and will resent the person who has the gall to tell them the truth.

I couldn't be "close friends" with too many like this....for me... they are too fragile ~ the egg shell people......though If I know I am in the presence of this type...I am careful to just be Mrs mannered & polite in every word, not to raise any eye brows.... you learn to feel people out, listen closely, a little body language ...how they interact, what they share about themselves...how much of their true selves they seem willing to expose... best to go with the flow. Those types aren't very FUN to be around in my opinion though, can't really let your hair down with them, lest worrying you may "offend" in some way.

Enginerd said : I only tell my wife she looks good when its true. Should I lie more ?

I wouldn't want my husband to say things just to appease me. I'd catch on anyway.... If we look close enough..we'd see that "look" in his eyes, actions following his words to how he feels in those moments.

How about cooking for example..... the other day he told me my oatmeal was like super glue getting it out of the pan...got me laughing... I wouldn't want him to compliment my cooking if he thought it sucked, he can tell me it looks like road kill & it's dry.... I know I am capable of a darn good meal, so if I have an off day, it's

!!

.... If my clothes aren't the best, gaining a few lbs, hair needs some attention, whatever...he can tell me that too, we tend to express these things in a lighthearted fashion laced with some humor generally....that way....when I am looking GOOD & he expresses it - I know he really means it...and THAT means the world to me.

In the past I used to wear what he calls Grandma Night gowns, he didn't make fun of me then...darn him... he should have - then maybe I would have had a clue he wanted me to put on something more enticing. He is more OPEN now than he used to be... wouldn't trade it for the world.. I'll take the good with the bad.

HopelesslyJaded said: I agree with being honest but I have really hurt people's feelings before by being honest. My husband especially. I don't like to lie.

Although I've been rough on my husband at times too-when I've been or frustrated over something... he's told me he wouldn't change me...

Out & about...I have... however....

1) gotten some strange looks....

2) had to humble myself for stepping on some toes -a careless moment, then having to explain myself - generally this plays pretty easy for me....I've been able to pizz someone off & get them laughing in the next 5 minutes...

3) I've opened myself to the judgement of others saying a little more than I should have around pious ears & afterwards thinking "will I ever learn?" - Husband generally gets a good :rofl: over this saying ...."what do you expect ? - & tells me they have a stick up their azz. Love him!!

4) I've been told by a few of my friends I can be "Intimidating" - was more so in my youth....but I guess I've gotten "sweeter" over the years...a little less brash with my thoughts.

But at the end of the day...it IS a part of my personality..even my humor ... To take this away would be to deflate who I really am. So I think I'll stay the course, I have other faults for sure, but feeding a line of

ain't one of them. I've been told by a # of friends...what you see is what you get... and they LIKE that, there is a respect there...even if you do have to brace yourself at times. ha ha

My husband is just like me - except for 2 things... he will keep his mouth shut unless asked & give less of an answer (man of few words)... and I may open my mouth -because of the challenge even though I wasn't asked & say more than I need too. Oh well!

HopelesslyJaded said: In real life I just try not to engage in conversations that I know I will have an unpopular opinion on. But sometimes they just insist on asking.

This wouldn't stop me... Once I was around a Bonfire with a Disability activist..a friend of a friend.... he was an obnoxious character to begin with... the type that likes to throw his weight around a little.... I had enough gall to ask him his feelings on Jack Kevorkian... I just wanted to hear his thoughts, bring up some scenario.. .debate a little.. boy did that ever stir him up ! Then I had all these people there turning on me, thinking I was for killing babies... I took the fire, it was Ok, I'd do it again. It livened the conversation up anyway. At the end of the night, I was still liked.

 

[KnK]

I am a honest , sometimes brutally honest person. H on the other hand tries to start out with a lie. Even about little things that don't really mean much. It's so aggravating. His mom was a compulsive liar. At least with hubs he comes clean after a min. and doesn't try to keep lying.

 

[HopelesslyJaded]

Well I don't always not engage. I just try to refrain a little more. I think the last real big debate I got into was women in the military. It was more about women holding high rank and on the battlefield. Oh and I was at my cousin's house during a party on the Air Force base. LOL I will admit to being somewhat of a feminist.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Well I don't always not engage. I just try to refrain a little more. I think the last real big debate I got into was women in the military. It was more about women holding high rank and on the battlefield. Oh and I was at my cousin's house during a party on the Air Force base. LOL I will admit to being somewhat of a feminist.

I generally ENJOY hearing how others feel , doesn't matter who they are, where they are from....because it helps me LEARN ......I'm not one to travel any oceans , run up against high class people, or be on any battlefield either, but I still like to be informed on how the other half lives....I love biographies too.

Joining in just makes it FUN...I've changed a # of my views over the years... I think this is a good thing.

I enjoy the challenge of finding some common ground with the most obstinate of views - with those on opposite sides of the tracks. For us to understand each other is the 1st step towards Peace with each other.... same concept in marriage -really.

 

[Tinkerbell24]

My STBXH is a liar. He would lie about the day of the week if he thought he could get away with it. I hate it. I am honest to the point of being blunt and I believe if you screw up be HONEST about it, heck own your mistake instead of lying about it. Sadly it seems very few people feel the same.

 

[gbrad]

Step 1: Admit you have a problem- I am gbrad, and I lie.

Step 2: Be comfortable with your problem- I am gbrad, and I am okay with lying if it makes this easier.

Wait, I don't think that is the way the 12 step program goes.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

I am honest to the point of being blunt and I believe if you screw up be HONEST about it, heck own your mistake instead of lying about it. Sadly it seems very few people feel the same.

You know I am with you Tinkerbell ! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

I have a little story about our oldest son... It is possible he lost a position he really desired - for the sake of being HONEST...

He is a Worship Leader, may want to go on to be a Youth Pastor someday.... he applied for a Lead Worship position...on his College Campus...he was even the chosen pick from the one stepping down.... but on the application - it had a question about Porn usage... for answers it had something to this effect (??) ...
1. Yes, I have engaged in watching porn
2. No, I do not watch porn
3. ASK ME

Well he checked .... "ASK ME".... he didn't want to LIE and act like he was Perfect, cause he's had his moments of falling into this...he doesn't like himself for it but...none the less, he was not going to lie....he's still very human... Did he not get chosen for this answer .... we'll never know.... but a "Holier than Thou" Interviewer - well, I could see it.

I loved the fact he was HONEST & humble anyway ... they go hand in hand. In the long run...this is what will shine in character....even helps people overcome their weaknesses ... a person will be respected for this... but yeah... trying to find such people in this life.... they are few & far between.

 

[Needpeace]

I have been wanting to get back here to reply to this thread, I so agree with everything you have posted SA, you have a way with words

I’ve only ever been brutally honest once when pushed to do so...after tolerating years of hurtful character damaging lying which happened to be a family member who was/is a compulsive liar. I now really lack tolerance for compulsive liars; I usually head in the other direction upon detection!

I’m an honest truthful person because I choose to be & I want to be, I wouldn’t like to be labelled a liar because I can’t be trusted.

You’ve got to have one hell of a good memory to be a capable liar, I couldn't be bothered constantly covering my tracks, I would surely be found out, more effort is required with lying in comparison to truth unless you simply don’t care about undermining/hurting family, friendships & relationships.

I figure I can do without the complications of lying as my honesty gets me in all manner of strife at times; I also wouldn’t like to become someone I despise, I don’t need to lie to get to where I want to be in this world, I choose to be true to myself & live without regrets, don’t ask for my opinion if you can’t handle the truth.

I try to use tact in touchy situations (even then I sometimes fail), I also gauge the sensitivity of others, but sometimes it’s just not worth putting my energy into certain situations if I know it will cause angst.

I relay to our kids the damage lie’s can do to others & them, I want to trust them as they grow into adults & explain to them the betrayal of that trust is very difficult to retrieve, losing the trust of everyone around you is not worth the lie.

Building lie upon lie will eventually cause your house of cards to tumble down, bringing upon oneself to be ostracized by all who know you, never enjoying the loyalty of long term friendships/relationships, wondering from person to person as your less than desirable personality flaw is exposed.

Little white lie’s to save another’s emotional state or to save you from that speeding fine “Sorry officer I didn’t realize the speed limit had dropped” (as I bat my eyelids, lol) is ok, but damaging hurtful lie’s I simply can’t tolerate.