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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have always tried to do the best for Lidia and my family everyday I do more and more for Lidia I love her, I care for her,I cherish her. I have always been there for her regardless of the situation going on and she is my best friend! always has been! However I am never seen I am never heard,i have always strived for the best for Lidia and my family,i have always tried to make us rise above the 9-5 normal life to stand out and be proud of our achievements and to make people proud of us for daring to go beyond the normal. for the past six months I have tried so hard to put our marriage back together we started counciling and when we started this process we were interviewed separately to find out what was going on it was established that we could only be counciled if there was not a third party involved and Lidia was asked to postpone her relationship with Dan I was horrified that an emotional relationship had been going on for quite some Time prior to our counciling session even though I was trying to repair and put back together our marriage but at the same time relieved that the councillor had noticed this and said it was a big threat to our marriage, Lidia agreed to suspend her relationship totally and had informed Dan that this was going to happen I was very relieved by this statement and felt we had a real platform to start rebuilding our marriage and Lidia had said she wanted a better marriage and i so want to give her this! the marriage that she deserves i believe in marriage and I truly love Lidia, Lidia managed to hold of contact for ten days and then had a brief conversation in the corridor at work this scared me and I felt very hurt and disappointed then every week some form of contact was made this put me into a down wood spiral of despair anger frustration and confusion by Lidias weakness which caused total unrest in our house and made the platform so needed to repair our marriage impossible, this robbed me of my chance to do counciling to repair our marriage then Lidia announced she can't take anymore and announced she wants separation we have been going round and round in circles since this statement, I am concussed and horrified by this situation hurt ,scared disappointed and lost without Lidia she now communicates more with Dan than me and he has become the source of my blame for not creating the calm so needed to put this back together I have been asking her to give me a proper chance a real chance to try and repair our marriage for my sake, her sake and our children's sakes, our children need to have a loving stable home where they feel loved when they need it by both parents and to see love. Amelia is asking me why does mummy not kiss daddy they need to see a loving happy relationship to have morals and happiness in there lives, all I am asking you is do you think Lidia should give me a real chance a calm platform to try and rebuild our marriage where we take it slow but do it right we learn to communicate better we learn about each other and we try and rebuild this? Do you think Lidia is making a mistake by not taking this chance? I truly love Lidia I care for her and our family I only ever wanted the best for us and I know if we use the last six weeks left of counciling we could make it!
 

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Generally it's a good idea to give the marriage at least a chance to work out. However what we think does not matter because she will do what she wants. She is not here asking us.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will give you a lot of advice about what you can do to save your marriage.

You keep using the word "calm", saying that things need to be "clam". Are you doing things like yelling? What's going on?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
i am the most passive person in the world always have been, i like a calm life, Lidia is very angry and emotional and when i talk about the affair she gets angry tells me to shutup walks away tells me i am wrong the thing is she had this affair and still wants to be his freind even though our councilor advised this would not be fair on my feelings. I get angry when Lidia cant see the damage that this inapropriate relationship is doing it just fuels anger and unrest and to rebuild our marriage we need a calm situation!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
yes i am married and i have always been happy until the problems started about a year ago!
 

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You sound too nice to her and she's taking you for granted. When you give a girl everything, they'll take advantage of that and treat you like a doormat. You need to work on changing yourself and seek to gain more control of your relationship if you want her to respect you and for your marriage to have a chance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
i just want to save this marriage i truy love this woman i love my kids and i want so much more a future i have worked so hard to put this marriage right just not seen!
 

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I was just like your wife, we were in counseling for 6 weeks before I finally admitted my EA. Well thr difference is my husband said " stop all contact with him or leave now". I left immediately. I came back 4 days later. We are now almost a year since then and we are together reconcilling and working very hard on ourselves and our marriage. I say let her go. Cut her loose and do not feel sorry for her. Do not give her money, do not let her take the kids. Let her make that choice and she may come back to you.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
she says that i have always been sellfish and she does not like the man she sees i am not sellfish to her and never sellfish to my family occasionally to others but never to her or her family she does not like how i am with outsiders i am very weary of outsiders i find it hard to trust people i dont know when i get to know them i am ok!
 

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I understand how sick inside and how scared you are. She is not going to be able to be happy in the marriage until she totally stops contact with the other guy. It's hard. Stay strong.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
is she making a mistake by carying on her ea which makes it impossable to put calm into our situation? i just want a chance to repair this it is so important for me her and my family i do so much for her i get nothing back apart from an occasional cup of tea i do the cooking cleaning i am the kids routine!
 

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I said those things too, I blamed everything on my husband. Yes he had faults but he changed and I didn't believe his changes would stay. I was so wrong. Also once I stopped contact with the other man I found that I had alot of faults in the marriage too. It took me a while to see it tho.
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
he is my biggest headache he is the whole reason we cant put this marriage back together and i do blame him i have made contact via text i have told him what he is doing to us yet it still continues he is just having a laugh at me he is recorded on my phone as homerecker!

and he is recking my chances of happyness with the women i love i so want to keep my marriage and my family together our kids need both of us together happy
 

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I am lidands wife. He asked me to ask 5 of my friends if I am making a mistake by leaving him, he thinks that if they say I am, then I should try to fix our marriage. But how much trying can one do? I wasn't happy in our marriage for a long time before the real problems started but I had not left him, as I had made a commitment. It's only since we set up a business with business "partners" that all seriously fell apart. These people took advantage of us and I could not agree to this, but my husband did not see what I did and did not support me. What is more - he kept saying I was paranoid and tha I would spoil everything... We had been arguing for probabnly about a year when I was crying trying to explain how scared I was of our financial future, he did not listen. He looked at me with hatred saying to stop ranting... We had separated and I found a new job. During separation my husband was helping a lot with the children and cooking, I appreciate this, but I did not realise at the time I could have been taking advantage as I thought he did this for the kids. 4 months after separation I met someone and became very close to him. Around the same time my husband decided to try and fix the marriage, he became depressed and threatened me that he would kill himself or burn our family house down if I don't come back... He was emotionally blackmailing me into moving back. Another thing is I couldn't afford to rent the house anymore. Anyway, after 6 months living apart I moved back with the children. We started doing the counselling and I was told that for this to work, I had to suspend any relationship I had with the other guy. I agreed to do it but we worked at the same place and ocassionally we chatted. It was not deep conversation, not long, but the longest break was prob about 10 days. I found that the more I was not allowed to talk to him, the more I wanted to and the more frustrated I was. At the same time I had my husband telling me how I should be feeling, what I should be thinking and doing... This drove me mad... still does.... Every day he keeps telling me this. But I don't love him. I told him that I can stay with him just for the children, but I don't want any touching, nothing like this. But he wants me to be loving, affectionate, caring... I cannot give it to him. We have to sleep in the same bed and many times he forced himself on me. He says I am his wife and I should do this or that... I don't want him to touch me, it des not feel right. I don't know if this is forgiveness issue, I think I can forgive the past if he did not demand so much of me, we could be partners for the children, but I don't think we can ever be happy together. I am not planning on having new relationship at the moment. I am in contact with this other guy, but only as firends. I don't know if something would come up from it, maybe one day, but I know I am not ready for new relationshoip anyway. I am happy to move back to my home country to prove my husband I am not just leaving him for someone else but we have children and he will not agree to this. Besides, I wouldn't like to take children away form their father. They live him. I belive that we need to focus on what is best for children, all this arguing and demanding, crying, screaming is definitely not good. And I admit, it is me, who screams, he is most of time, calm, but I beg him to stop telling me these things, and he wont listen, he follows me and talks and talks all the time, that I should do this, that I am his wife, that I made this commitment.. He blames this other guy for the marriage failure, but we were finished months before I even met him, months before we separated...
 

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It's only when you're ready to give up your marriage and what you have before you will have a chance to get her back. The more you beg, act nice to her, and try hard to rescue what you have, the more you will push her away and lose her.

MAN UP, give her the ultimatum, and kick her out if she doesn't stop talking to the other guy. She's not scared of you and has no respect for you. You have the other man laughing at you and to your wife, the other man looks so much more cool and confident than you. How could a woman be with a man she doesn't respect?
 
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