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The tears thread and various strength and diversity of responses in it got me thinking about this

That particular sad tale was all based upon a one night stand infidelity and tragically it looks like Mr tears has ended it all and of course no one can blame him for that

In my own experience of a serial adulterer who stupidly I forgave time after time I would have definitely gone on to give a second chance (and no doubt the same results)

I do often see on here the huge efforts to reconcile after one or two chances and all the endless difficulties it causes between the two parties.

I'm surprised a man can make a definite conclusive decision after one indiscretion/mistake especially a one night stand

I can see generally the feeling about ons is that "cheating is cheating and that's that" however I do not subscribe to that being as bad as a prolonged organised destructive deceitful affair that smashes probably two marriages assunder all with forethought and malice.

A one night stand by it's very nature limited damage and often with alcohol involved I don't put quite in the same bracket as planned affairs

I know we are all different and have different boundaries

Do people feel they are the same? that to say "it's all cheating so that's that" it covers all the infidelity sins?
 

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I understand there are levels of infidelity BUT once an infidelity is physical the games over for me.

I couldn't forgive a long emotional/physical affair because of the emotional aspect mostly.

I couldn't forgive a one night stand because one night stands are usually a lifestyle and not a singular mistake.
I couldn't trust them alone for even a night.

I fear the one night stand more than anything actually because it's unlikely I`d ever be able to discover a series of totally uncommitted sexual liaisons.

Once physical, I`m done.
Played this game before.
 

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Yes, people are too lenient on ONS's. They aren't a one-time mistake like people make them out to be, he/she didn't slip and accidentally started having sex. They picked up a guy/girl, knew %100 what they were doing, did the nasty, had their fun, and if they get caught, "it was a one-time mistake, I wasn't thinking clearly." If they choose to confess it is to relieve the burden on their conscience, not because they love their spouse.

I think tears's husband got it right with the attitude, I know that this is a marriage forum, and we're supposed to be pro-marriage but not under these circumstances... If he hadn't gone all nuclear, she would lose respect and attraction for him, or worse go back to cheating on him after a remorseful period.

I know that cheaters aren't evil, but once that line is crossed I would never ever try to reconcile, even if I was to blame for all the marital problems. But maybe i'm just jaded because I've been burnt by reconcilliation twice (by the same person lol).
 

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I understand there are levels of infidelity BUT once an infidelity is physical the games over for me.

I couldn't forgive a long emotional/physical affair because of the emotional aspect mostly.

I couldn't forgive a one night stand because one night stands are usually a lifestyle and not a singular mistake.
I couldn't trust them alone for even a night.

I fear the one night stand more than anything actually because it's unlikely I`d ever be able to discover a series of totally uncommitted sexual liaisons.

Once physical, I`m done.
Played this game before.
I totally agree. There is no silver lining to a ONS. You can say there was no emotional bonding. Ok fine. What this says is that your spouse was willing to bang someone else and was not even under the influenece of emotional bonding. This was a lifestyel choice.
 

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I met a beautiful young, married, woman many years ago that drove about 30 miles with her girlfriends to Lousiville for the purpose of getting laid once a week. Whem we learned they were married we went on about our business. Or so I thought. One of my friends it turns out, started hooking up regularly.

Another real beauty used to bang another friend of mine. She would not date him even before she married a dentist. But she wanted him just for sex every once in a while, even after she married.

GNOs? I don't think so. I saw way to much as I put off marriage until my miidle thirties. I found women to be way more coniving than most people think.

One of the most shocking things I learned, is that women can't trust their closest friends and family either.

And BTW, I know of a newly wed that ended up in the back seat of a car too. The dude thought it was odd that she would not give her number. He found out she had married about a month later.
 

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In general, I think there are people who have learned that the best thing to do is to cut someone off when they have done the wrong thing by them and don't look back.

For example, the things that I have read about JFK, Jr, that anyone who talked to the press about him was completely cut out of his life. No explanations, no second chances.

and so it is with some people about other matters, like cheating. When I was younger and had trouble making and maintaining friendships, I used to give the benefit of the doubt often. Then I noitced that some people, if they didn't like something that you did, no discussion, no second chances, you noticed that they stopped returning your phone calls...... and that's that.

I am assuming that this attitude towards usual social infractions, ie forgetting your wallet; being 10 minutes late; and so on gets carried onto bigger issues like committing adultery.....
 

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Hard question, and I don't think there are hard and fast rules.

My general principle is that I don't want an unfaithful spouse, but I accept we are imperfect. I have forgiven an affair, and in the process of dealing with it came close to both an affair and a ONS myself.

If my wife did it again there would want to be some amazing extenuating circumstance for me not to walk. I simply cannot conceive anything I would regard as acceptable.
 

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The Tears story is not based on what I would call a ONS. Sex one time, yes, but not a classic ONS where she got drunk and ended up in OMs bed.

Tears went on a GNO and flirted with a guy she was attracted to and ended up giving him her phone number. Bad choice #1.

The next day he called and asked her on a lunch date, she accepted. Bad choice #2.

He asked her to go to his apartment and she did. She was not drunk at this time. Bad choice #3.

She had unprotected sex with him. Bad choice #4.

I understand that the discussion here is not about this, but since you referenced her thread as the instigator, I do not agree that what Tears did can be called a ONS.

It was planned from the time she met the guy the first night, otherwise she would not have given him her number, agreed to a date, went to his apartment and gave herself to OM.
 

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Adultery is adultery. Bring the rocks.
Beating your old lady is beating your old lady. Bring the rocks

For some reason I can see my chick buried under rocks and me being buried under rocks...and reaching out to each other....knowing we diserve this.

But how many rocks can we throw at each other before we stp throwing rocks?

We would rather each of us phuck each other to death then have that kind of hate for each other.

All the bad choice we make can never account for the one good one that can change our life as individuales for the rest of our lifes.

Phuck her bad choices....don't walk behind me and don't walk in front of me, but walk next to me. My point is no matter the level of infildelity, its the degree a wayward has in turning it around. not for their spouse but for them selves and the life changing event that tells them that their life choice is unhealthy for the wayward, for ther spouse and for their family.


Rare as it may be one can change their spots! So ya cheating is cheating but in the same breath remorse....real remorse is remorse!

So yes it cover all the sins of adultory no matter ONS or LTA. The end game is were the both of you want to be as individuals. can a wayward change ? Can a betrayed forgive? Is the wayward worth forgiving? Can the wayward change their spots?
 

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Adultery is adultery. Bring the rocks.
That is the truth.

Whether to divorce a WS has nothing to do with what happened in the affair.

Marriages have ended with a ONS and marriages have recovered with the OM knocking up the WW.

A marriage ends because the BS has zero capability to move past their WS cheating on them.

A marriage ends when the WS had already made their decision to end the marriage before the affair was discovered. A walk away spouse.

No one has to forgive or accept anything in life. One can hold a grudge forever.

One can forgive whatever they want. Whenever they want.

 

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Yes, people are too lenient on ONS's. They aren't a one-time mistake like people make them out to be, he/she didn't slip and accidentally started having sex. They picked up a guy/girl, knew %100 what they were doing, did the nasty, had their fun, and if they get caught, "it was a one-time mistake, I wasn't thinking clearly." If they choose to confess it is to relieve the burden on their conscience, not because they love their spouse.

I think tears's husband got it right with the attitude, I know that this is a marriage forum, and we're supposed to be pro-marriage but not under these circumstances... If he hadn't gone all nuclear, she would lose respect and attraction for him, or worse go back to cheating on him after a remorseful period.

I know that cheaters aren't evil, but once that line is crossed I would never ever try to reconcile, even if I was to blame for all the marital problems. But maybe i'm just jaded because I've been burnt by reconcilliation twice (by the same person lol).

So...just to play devil's advocate...'for better or worse' always has the caveat...if you slip once, it's over.

Allow me to ask a specific question: You are out drinking with friends. Your wife says to you "Shadow, you're too drunk...you can't drive."

You, with the smug assurance that many people half in the bag feel, say no...you're fine. You can drive home.

So you drive. You DRUNKENLY CHOOSE to drive. You have an accident and you break your wife's hip and her trust that you care about her well being. She BEGGED you not to drive...and you did.

Now she permanently has this limp.

So...how is this different then a drunken ONS? Should she divorce you?
 
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I like grudge's, the phucker that shot me in a hold up has his day coming.
As far as slapping my old lady around I hope that she doesn't hold a grudge.
As far as her phucking every one in town ...well I seem to be the better phuck cuz she keeps coming back no matter how hard I push her away.

Guys, I am not a nice man, but I can tell when a chick holds a grudge.....I know when I hold a grugde and grudges suck big time.........I wish I knew how to get rid of some of the grudges I currently have? But I do like the ones I have!
 

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I'm surprised a man can make a definite conclusive decision after one indiscretion/mistake especially a one night stand

I can see generally the feeling about ons is that "cheating is cheating and that's that" however I do not subscribe to that being as bad as a prolonged organised destructive deceitful affair that smashes probably two marriages assunder all with forethought and malice.

A one night stand by it's very nature limited damage and often with alcohol involved I don't put quite in the same bracket as planned affairs

I know we are all different and have different boundaries

Do people feel they are the same? that to say "it's all cheating so that's that" it covers all the infidelity sins?
I don't understand how having lack of feelings for the person you cheated with makes it better than a scenario where the wayward spouse has an emotional attachment to the affair partner. If anything, having feelings for the affair partner would hurt like hell to hear as the betrayed spouse, but it makes it more understandable. A one night stand where one is so overcome by lust means the cheating spouse can very easily drop the boundaries when temptation comes in the form of an attractive person. I would be more understanding of a long-term friendship at work or elsewhere that morphs into an emotional attachment then to a physical affair than a one-night stand with some random attractive stranger. A one night stand means that they have so little regard for you that they're willing to throw away what you have with them for one night of sex with some random person they found attractive. It is never a mistake, but a choice.
 

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So...how is this different then a drunken ONS? Should she divorce you?
Well, let's hope that never happens.

I think that's worse but very different than a drunken ONS.

-There is permanent physical damage, which she(my hypothethical wife) would live with forever/Not even a scratch comes to the BS, not unless there are psychopaths involved anyway .

-There would be the selfesteem issues in both situations, although after infidelity it's more internal and can be much more easily cured(go have a revenge affair lol).

-On the other hand, there is no evidence that there was a loss of love, attraction or emotional connection that would make a person drive while drunk. There was a loss of intelligence and common sense,though.

-And last, when you are driving drunk you think that probably nothing will happen. In infidelity, you just don't fcking care about what happens.

So, I don't know if she should divorce me in that hypothethical situation. I don't know what I would do if the tables were turned either. If this is combined with other stuff, maybe.

But to comment on the "Tears" stuff, I didn't post in the original thread because I didn't want to sound unemphatetic or bossy. But if the "Before you decide to leave. read my story" by imadeamistake has taught me anything, if tears's husband had takenn a softer approach, law of probability dictates that she would be losing attraction and respect for him and maybe even continuing the affair. I see people talking here about "real remorse". Well, even real remorse isn't unconditional and there is no way to prove that it is "real" in the short run. So I'd let someone who cheated, doesn't matter emotional or physical, live their remorse elsewhere. If you love them, let them go, right? :)
 

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If you cheat on me then screw you, I'm no-one's second choice or 'home comfort'. If you want to put your d*ck in someone else then go and be with them.

I don't care if it's a ONS or long term affair, they are both bad in their own way
 
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