Letting my mind run away with me....

11157 Views 43 Replies 26 Participants Last post by lovelygirl, Oct 18, 2012

smr2500bus

Discussion Starter · Oct 15, 2012

Hi everyone,

First off, I have learned a lot from reading many posts on this board and I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's issues. I'm glad I'm not alone, but sad to see how often this really happens.

I'd like to explain my story a bit - and I really could use everyone's advice as I'm not in as bad a position as many other infidelity victims are, but I still could use some guidance.

I've been married 7 years, together 10. My wife and I have 2 kids, 1 and 4 years old.

Last month, she told me she was thinking of leaving me because she was unhappy. She listed off her reasons (ALL of which were valid) but I felt she still wasn't telling me something, so I went onto her FB account and found out she was talking to the OM, an old friend from high school. From what I could tell there was no evidence of any physical cheating, but there was definitely an emotional situation happening. And there was lots of inside jokes with sexual innuendo. I never found any incriminating posts and pictures, but I'm not sure there were ever any to begin with.

I confronted her about it and she was immediately stunned that I had found out. She swore it was innocent and told me that she still wanted to be his friend because of their history but she would stop the more intimiate conversations. I agreed, as I thought that forbidding him any contact would push her more to him ("I want what I can't have.").

Well, the next day, I began monitoring her FB account, and sure enough, she was talking to him again. But this time, she deleted the convo after talking. But since I was monitoring it real-time, i saw everything. I confronted her when I got home and she realized she was caught and maybe started to realize the severity of this. She agreed that she would end it entirely since she went right back to him, maybe that was for the best after all. She wrote him a "No Contact" letter (even before I knew what that was.

She sent it (I read it and his response which was "Good luck to you both.). But that night I had put monitoring software on her phone and by Monday morning, they were texting (then deleting evidence of the texts), assuming that she was not going to be caught this way. Bu I saw it and saw that he planned on coming over to see her at work and even worse the upcoming weekend when I would be out of town on business.

I went to her office, confronted her in front of her co-workers and told her to get her **** and get out, that I was taking everything away from her. She admitted she was confused, thought she had feelings, but wasn't sure what was going on in her head anymore. Real crazy drama. After the dust had settled, she swore that she wouldn't do it again, she wanted to work on us, had noticed the change in me (from the moment this all started, I promised I would be the things she wanted, and I was living up to my end), was proud of me, and wanted things to work because she loved me.

So I took her back again. When I got home from my business trip, I found out that he called her and she used a different account to contact him and invite him over to our home - but swore it was only for closure and to say goodbye. That nothing happened, but she felt she owed him that. I freaked out and kicked her out for the night. I knew he had come by from monitoring her computer but I had no idea if she was telling the truth on what happened.

So the next day, we talked, she swore to me again that NOTHING happened, that he was into her much more than she was to him, and that she realized what she was doing, finally woke up and nothing will happen again.

She blocked him from FB and deleted his number of her phone. And as far as I can tell, there has been no contact since.

I have continued to work on my weight issues and attentiveness, both of which have continued to improve. And we had a week of sex unlike any frequency we'd ever had before, even when we first started dating.

So the problem.... I still don't know how to let this go and start trusting her again. I have no reason to think she's still in contact with this guy aside from my imagination running wild. But I wonder every moment we're apart if she thinks about him, thinks about contacting him, misses him, etc. She says she misses him as a friend, but nothing more. She has not changed any of her passwords, so she's being as open as she can (unless she has some other cell phone - and again, NOTHING to base that on, I just think "Well, I didn't think she was capable of cheating and lying, so who knows what else she is capable of.")

I continue to monitor her Facebook and phone with no results of any more contact. BUT I HATE IT. I don't think this is helping me - it's probably just building it up in my mind more than it is in her mind. I don't want to keep bringing it up because I think that every time I do, she gets frustrated because it's over and I need to let go or it won't work. I could really use some help on how I can recover. Are there any books or something I can read that can maybe help me deal with my insecurities and how to start rebuilding?

She knows that if I ever find out there is ANY contact again, I'm gone for good, so she understands there's no more chances. And I think she's being faithful and true. I just want her to tell me everyday that she's being faithful and true, and that's not only unreasonable, but insane.

Any advice? Any signs I should be looking for that maybe things aren't over after all, and I'm just not crafty enough to spot them? Or again, should I just be glad I caught and confronted her about it and we "nipped it in the bud" before it got to be something our marriage couldn't recover from?

Thanks everyone!

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