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Hi everyone,

First off, I have learned a lot from reading many posts on this board and I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's issues. I'm glad I'm not alone, but sad to see how often this really happens.

I'd like to explain my story a bit - and I really could use everyone's advice as I'm not in as bad a position as many other infidelity victims are, but I still could use some guidance.

I've been married 7 years, together 10. My wife and I have 2 kids, 1 and 4 years old.

Last month, she told me she was thinking of leaving me because she was unhappy. She listed off her reasons (ALL of which were valid) but I felt she still wasn't telling me something, so I went onto her FB account and found out she was talking to the OM, an old friend from high school. From what I could tell there was no evidence of any physical cheating, but there was definitely an emotional situation happening. And there was lots of inside jokes with sexual innuendo. I never found any incriminating posts and pictures, but I'm not sure there were ever any to begin with.

I confronted her about it and she was immediately stunned that I had found out. She swore it was innocent and told me that she still wanted to be his friend because of their history but she would stop the more intimiate conversations. I agreed, as I thought that forbidding him any contact would push her more to him ("I want what I can't have.").

Well, the next day, I began monitoring her FB account, and sure enough, she was talking to him again. But this time, she deleted the convo after talking. But since I was monitoring it real-time, i saw everything. I confronted her when I got home and she realized she was caught and maybe started to realize the severity of this. She agreed that she would end it entirely since she went right back to him, maybe that was for the best after all. She wrote him a "No Contact" letter (even before I knew what that was.

She sent it (I read it and his response which was "Good luck to you both.). But that night I had put monitoring software on her phone and by Monday morning, they were texting (then deleting evidence of the texts), assuming that she was not going to be caught this way. Bu I saw it and saw that he planned on coming over to see her at work and even worse the upcoming weekend when I would be out of town on business.

I went to her office, confronted her in front of her co-workers and told her to get her **** and get out, that I was taking everything away from her. She admitted she was confused, thought she had feelings, but wasn't sure what was going on in her head anymore. Real crazy drama. After the dust had settled, she swore that she wouldn't do it again, she wanted to work on us, had noticed the change in me (from the moment this all started, I promised I would be the things she wanted, and I was living up to my end), was proud of me, and wanted things to work because she loved me.

So I took her back again. When I got home from my business trip, I found out that he called her and she used a different account to contact him and invite him over to our home - but swore it was only for closure and to say goodbye. That nothing happened, but she felt she owed him that. I freaked out and kicked her out for the night. I knew he had come by from monitoring her computer but I had no idea if she was telling the truth on what happened.

So the next day, we talked, she swore to me again that NOTHING happened, that he was into her much more than she was to him, and that she realized what she was doing, finally woke up and nothing will happen again.

She blocked him from FB and deleted his number of her phone. And as far as I can tell, there has been no contact since.

I have continued to work on my weight issues and attentiveness, both of which have continued to improve. And we had a week of sex unlike any frequency we'd ever had before, even when we first started dating.

So the problem.... I still don't know how to let this go and start trusting her again. I have no reason to think she's still in contact with this guy aside from my imagination running wild. But I wonder every moment we're apart if she thinks about him, thinks about contacting him, misses him, etc. She says she misses him as a friend, but nothing more. She has not changed any of her passwords, so she's being as open as she can (unless she has some other cell phone - and again, NOTHING to base that on, I just think "Well, I didn't think she was capable of cheating and lying, so who knows what else she is capable of.")

I continue to monitor her Facebook and phone with no results of any more contact. BUT I HATE IT. I don't think this is helping me - it's probably just building it up in my mind more than it is in her mind. I don't want to keep bringing it up because I think that every time I do, she gets frustrated because it's over and I need to let go or it won't work. I could really use some help on how I can recover. Are there any books or something I can read that can maybe help me deal with my insecurities and how to start rebuilding?

She knows that if I ever find out there is ANY contact again, I'm gone for good, so she understands there's no more chances. And I think she's being faithful and true. I just want her to tell me everyday that she's being faithful and true, and that's not only unreasonable, but insane.

Any advice? Any signs I should be looking for that maybe things aren't over after all, and I'm just not crafty enough to spot them? Or again, should I just be glad I caught and confronted her about it and we "nipped it in the bud" before it got to be something our marriage couldn't recover from?

Thanks everyone!
 

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What I'm getting from your post is that you are stressed out about pushing your crap on her so much that she will bail.

In my case I told my self to go a head a push, push , push and push. I continued to investigate (it don;t last for ever), I continued to ask for answers, I continued to talk about what I felt.

The point here is making sure you open up this can of worm so wide that if she is worth her salt to keep around then she can take the consequences that come with her betrayal.

In short do what you need to do to heal and it will be up to your old lady to take it or bail. Its like if she really wants this then she will take the heat. If she want out she will bail.

At the end of the day the last thing you want is to sweep this under the rug, have it eat at you for months and years and have your chick find some other POS cuz she ain't happy.

Crack this crap wide open and it will be up to your chick to do the heavy lifting that is needed to help you heal or she can walk away *now* instead of later.

Again this kind of sh1t don;t last forever, but it the "trust but verify", its the talking over the same crap over and over again that got me thru thos infidelity thing......

Its sucks brother but the worst thing you can do IMHO is hold back thinking your making it worse.........SCREW THAT MAKE IT WORSE and let you chick face the consequense of how jacked up you are.

Dude I pushed and pushed and asked the same thing over and over again...hell I was ready to let my old lady go, so if she really wanted to stay she put up with how I dealth with this crap.

I must have done something right cuz after almost 3 years since d-day she still around. Granted I'm no were near as anal as I was ....say 6 month past d-day, even a year later I was still tracking her, but these days my old lady diserves a bone cuz she realy is no longer that decietfulo women.....still horny as hell but at least honest about it.

Good luck man and what ever you DO NOT SWEEP THIS UNDER THE CARPET CUZ YOUR WORRIED ABOUT YOU PUSHING YOUR CHICK AWAY. Dude its time for her to face this and own it and understand who she really is.

Man I could go on but my Chargers are coming on
 

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In my case it wasn't so much a sign of things still going on, it was an attitude change in my wife that things have stopped "going on".

There is an openess about her that was more of tall tail sign, rather then this secret agent that came and went in the night. There was a degree of submission that gave her self completely back to me...and to do what I wanted. IDK I felt a sence of having her back ....its wierd.

Be warned with this kind of control comes responsiablity ...
 

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Sound's like a serial cheater.

But maybe she was too deep in thge fog.

Honestly though, I think what happened:

She invited him over to your house while you were away, had sex, realized the affair wouldn't end happily ever after (because 99.99% of affairs never do) and said it could never happen, and is now determined to win you back.

I'll give you my honest opinion:
I think she is remorseful she got caught.
Because you've caught her...3x? Did I count that right? A cheater that is sorry they hurt you, will stop the affair.
She didn't. She continued it,

She doesn't love you. She loves the security you provide her.

I would say file for divorce. See how hard she is willing to prove her love to you.
And by work, I mean she better be the perfect wife. And willing to do whatever you tell her do.
Like, quit her job.
Like, give you her phone.
Like, give you her passwords to her email, her facebook, everything.

And that is just to start.

If she can't do that, you need to divorce.
Because if she can't do those little things (Because compared to what she should be doing, those ARE little) she won't do the big things. She'll just say she is sorry, string you out, then start another affair 2, 3 years down the line.
 

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You asked about books. Please pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and buy her her own copy. You both should read it, in tandem. Believe me, questions will come and waves of emotion. She needs to know about what happened with her as much as you do! If she's serious about repairing and regaining your trust she'll read whatever you ask her to read (or do.)
 

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You busted her three times !!!

The last time she had him in YOUR HOME !!! This after lying to you, her husband, who is suppose to be before ALL others.

Now why in the world should you believe her ??? because she gave you some extra special sex ???

Now for the cold water over your head.
Do you really think she just invited him over to say goodbye, after putting her marriage on the line when you had already kicked her out once ???

I say she got what she wanted. A night to try him out.
COME ON MAN !!

This woman knew you was catching her everytime, and still thought it was so important that she risked having him in your home.

She did him dude. The thing is, he must not have been as good as she thought or he said he was.

That's the guilt sex she giving you.

You have no reason to feel bad for monitoring or asking questions. She betrayed you time and time again, after getting caught and KICKED OUT.

What may help you to move on, is for her to take a polygraph.
That way you will find out if they really did it in your bed.

And to tell you the truth, if she can't understand you not trusting her, after SHE invited him to your home, after you was big enough to take her back, then she has NO respect for you.
 

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polygraph her if you really want to know. But I think she had sex with this man. You do need to face the fact that your wife was having an affair. It was for sure an EA and very likely went PA.

Did you get that? your wife had an affair. Your situation is bad. This is a BIG deal. She needs to come clean, tell you what REALLY happened when he came into your home. BTW is this Guy married? if so, expose this to his wife, she deserves to know also.

What was her reason? have you addressed this?

the great sex is called hysterical bonding very normal.

you need to both be in counseling, this problem isn't just going to go away.

sorry your here..
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A polygraph on her to find whether she had sex with him is the best option.
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So I took her back again. When I got home from my business trip, I found out that he called her and she used a different account to contact him and invite him over to our home - but swore it was only for closure and to say goodbye. That nothing happened, but she felt she owed him that. I freaked out and kicked her out for the night. I knew he had come by from monitoring her computer but I had no idea if she was telling the truth on what happened.
Yeah right!! She lied, lied, lied, lied. Expect her to tell the truth now...

They met to get some closure ? the same closure that they couldn't get over the phone ? They f*cked. Can't get anymore clear than that. Don't be in denial.

They will probably resume the affair. They now know all your methods and avoided it the last time they met at your house. How can you ever trust this woman again...She lied at every chance she had


Ask her to take a polygraph..Expose her to her family.
 

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Hi everyone,
First off, I have learned a lot from reading many posts on this board
I'm not in as bad a position as many other infidelity victims are.

Yes you are, see 1-13 you mentioned, that are much more clues than many other got before they discovered a PA.

1 she was thinking of leaving me because she was unhappy.
2 She listed off her reasons (ALL of which were valid)
3 found out she was talking to the OM
4 there was definitely an emotional situation happening.
5 there was lots of inside jokes with sexual innuendo.
6 she was talking to him again. But this time, she deleted the convo after talking.
7 She wrote him a "No Contact" letter
8 they were texting (then deleting evidence of the texts), assuming that she was not going to be caught this way
9 saw that he planned on coming over to see her at work
10 and even worse the upcoming weekend when I would be out of town on business.
11 she swore that she wouldn't do it again, she wanted to work on us, had noticed the change in me
12 he called her and she used a different account to contact him
13 invite him over to our home

RESULTS

a) I had no idea if she was telling the truth on what happened.
b) I have no reason to think she's still in contact with this guy
c) it's probably just building it up in my mind more than it is in her mind
d) I don't want to keep bringing it up because I think that every time I do, she gets frustrated because it's over and I need to let go or it won't work.
These results a-c show that you, while technically very alert on monitoring her, are in a kind of ‘cuckold fog’. You want to treat it like it didn’t happen, it’s all a bad dream. You are rug-sweeping. She uses you as a doormat.

You should keep monitoring if you want to have any chance to keep her as you would like so very much. And not tell her anymore to build up conclusive evidence of a PA. Or find nothing at all, which is a little bit unlikely.
 

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They had sex. Do not even doubt that. Unless the other guy had some ED issues, they did have sex. You gave her 3 chances too many and she repeatedly spit on them.

Get both of you tested for STDs...

You might want to check her credit/debit card for any purchases she made during that week.
 

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Quote;
So I took her back again. When I got home from my business trip, I found out that he called her and she used a different account to contact him and invite him over to our home - but swore it was only for closure and to say goodbye. That nothing happened, but she felt she owed him that. I freaked out and kicked her out for the night. I knew he had come by from monitoring her computer but I had no idea if she was telling the truth on what happened.


She had to finish what she started. They were building up to sex and she had to see what it was like. You busted her right before they were to consummate the relationship.

The problem is it wasn't that great for her. So she used him for one time and opted for you.

I could never rest again without a polygraph to find out for sure. You will forever wonder about this because, apparently she rarely tells the truth at least in regard to this situation.

You have absolutely no reason to believe her at all.
 

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I'm not in as bad a position as many other infidelity victims are

Famous last words. Your situation is very typical.

I've been married 7 years, together 10. My wife and I have 2 kids, 1 and 4 years old.

I went onto her FB account and found out she was talking to the OM, an old friend from high school. From what I could tell there was no evidence of any physical cheating, but there was definitely an emotional situation happening. And there was lots of inside jokes with sexual innuendo. I never found any incriminating posts and pictures, but I'm not sure there were ever any to begin with.

I would say there is some evidence of cheating - inside jokes and sexual innuendo. The jury is still out on this point.

How long had they been in contact? When did it start? Who initiated contact? How far back were you able to look at the messages? Is it possible they also were communicating via text and voice also at this point in time? Did she have his phone number in her phone contacts? Email? Did they exchange I love you's?

You say that he planned to come to your office and he did come to your house, so they definitely are close enough in physical proximity to hook up for sex.


I confronted her about it and she was immediately stunned that I had found out. She swore it was innocent and told me that she still wanted to be his friend because of their history but she would stop the more intimiate conversations. I agreed, as I thought that forbidding him any contact would push her more to him ("I want what I can't have.").

Well, the next day, I began monitoring her FB account, and sure enough, she was talking to him again. But this time, she deleted the convo after talking. .

She lied to your face, never intended to stop communicating with him, then took additional actions to hide the contact.

She agreed that she would end it entirely since she went right back to him, maybe that was for the best after all. She wrote him a "No Contact" letter (even before I knew what that was.

She sent it (I read it and his response which was "Good luck to you both.). But that night I had put monitoring software on her phone and by Monday morning, they were texting (then deleting evidence of the texts), assuming that she was not going to be caught this way. Bu I saw it and saw that he planned on coming over to see her at work and even worse the upcoming weekend when I would be out of town on business.

So once again, caught for the second time, she lied with the intention of just pursuing a different avenue of communication where she thought she could get away with it.

I went to her office, confronted her in front of her co-workers and told her to get her **** and get out, that I was taking everything away from her. She admitted she was confused, thought she had feelings, but wasn't sure what was going on in her head anymore. Real crazy drama. After the dust had settled, she swore that she wouldn't do it again, she wanted to work on us, had noticed the change in me (from the moment this all started, I promised I would be the things she wanted, and I was living up to my end), was proud of me, and wanted things to work because she loved me.

So I took her back again. When I got home from my business trip, I found out that he called her and she used a different account to contact him and invite him over to our home - but swore it was only for closure and to say goodbye. That nothing happened, but she felt she owed him that. I freaked out and kicked her out for the night. I knew he had come by from monitoring her computer but I had no idea if she was telling the truth on what happened.

So, caught for the third time, she lied again, once again took a different way to communicate via which she didn't think you would be able to catch her. This time she met up with him at your house.

So the next day, we talked, she swore to me again that NOTHING happened, that he was into her much more than she was to him, and that she realized what she was doing, finally woke up and nothing will happen again.

Given that every single thing before this was a lie, what would make you believe this?

She blocked him from FB and deleted his number of her phone. And as far as I can tell, there has been no contact since.

I have continued to work on my weight issues and attentiveness, both of which have continued to improve. And we had a week of sex unlike any frequency we'd ever had before, even when we first started dating.

So the problem.... I still don't know how to let this go and start trusting her again. I have no reason to think she's still in contact with this guy aside from my imagination running wild. But I wonder every moment we're apart if she thinks about him, thinks about contacting him, misses him, etc. She says she misses him as a friend, but nothing more. She has not changed any of her passwords, so she's being as open as she can (unless she has some other cell phone - and again, NOTHING to base that on, I just think "Well, I didn't think she was capable of cheating and lying, so who knows what else she is capable of.")

I continue to monitor her Facebook and phone with no results of any more contact. BUT I HATE IT. I don't think this is helping me - it's probably just building it up in my mind more than it is in her mind. I don't want to keep bringing it up because I think that every time I do, she gets frustrated because it's over and I need to let go or it won't work. I could really use some help on how I can recover. Are there any books or something I can read that can maybe help me deal with my insecurities and how to start rebuilding?

She knows that if I ever find out there is ANY contact again, I'm gone for good, so she understands there's no more chances. And I think she's being faithful and true. I just want her to tell me everyday that she's being faithful and true, and that's not only unreasonable, but insane.

Any advice? Any signs I should be looking for that maybe things aren't over after all, and I'm just not crafty enough to spot them? Or again, should I just be glad I caught and confronted her about it and we "nipped it in the bud" before it got to be something our marriage couldn't recover from?

Thanks everyone!
 

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Smr,
You are in real trouble.
You do love this woman very much, but you are doubting the evidence in front of your face.

SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

No matter what you try,she knows you are weak for her and will cheat on you ,again. She has absolutely no respect for you.
My guess is that SHE is the aggressor in the outside affair. She's pursuing the OM.

Next time you think of forgiving her and trusting her, try to imagine what she's telling the OM about you.
She's talking you down in front of him, and they are laughing at you.
Time for you to move on.
Some people just cannot be fixed...
 

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They had sex. Do not even doubt that. Unless the other guy had some ED issues, they did have sex. You gave her 3 chances too many and she repeatedly spit on them.

Get both of you tested for STDs...

You might want to check her credit/debit card for any purchases she made during that week.
Excellent Point.

I always have to shake my head when a spouse finds A cheating spouse going back to again talk with the AP after dday, and the cheater claims it was only an EA. Yeah, right.

At the very least this shows the person has some type of defiance issue, if not a full blown defiance disorder.

If someone gets caught and is really remorseful, why continue talking to the AP.

Its all Bulldokey, if they continue contact in any way with the AP.

Also, texts and emails can easily pass as only an emotional affair rather than a physical one.

A lot of times, the cheaters are aware that they need to keep sex talk out of the texts and the emails, so they can better hide the physical affair.
 

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Smr,
You are in real trouble.
You do love this woman very much, but you are doubting the evidence in front of your face.

SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

No matter what you try,she knows you are weak for her and will cheat on you ,again. She has absolutely no respect for you.
My guess is that SHE is the aggressor in the outside affair. She's pursuing the OM.

Next time you think of forgiving her and trusting her, try to imagine what she's telling the OM about you.
She's talking you down in front of him, and they are laughing at you.
Time for you to move on.
Some people just cannot be fixed...
Good point.

I saw tons of texts and emails sent to me anonymously by the person who outed the affair.

And, yes, both cheaters my STBEH and the OW were saying really denigrating things about their respective spouses.

My STBEH was complaining about realitvely minor and silly things...Like I watched the news rather than wanting to go clubbing. Or, I was too intellectual and not enough fun.

But the OW, she was complaining that her husbands' body disgusted her. That he was fat, and hairy and pasty white and lousy in bed and that she hid from him to avoid having sex with him.

The OW was fun alright, she was a serial cheater having ONS, and girl on girl trysts and went to sex clubs to get lap dances from both men and women.
 
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