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Honey Bunny,
I'm at a loss as to how to proceed. I know that you have said that you're mine and that you want to grow old with me, but your body language when I am actually around says something different. I am getting the vibe that you are having to endure my pressence and that you really aren't sure about your feelings toward me.

I still feel like I am in limbo and that I am an outsider visiting my own house. You seem to be taking everything that I do or say as an attack on you or that I have some hidden meaning behind my words/actions, but all I want to do is spend time with you and rekindle the flame that was once there. Do you think this is possible, or am I expecting too much too soon? From the text conversations and the phone conversations I was expecting a warmer welcome, but you seem distant. All I want is for you to be happy and if your happiness means us separating, then that is what we should do. I don't want to be forcing myself on you, or have you feel obligated to let me have sex. I feel bad for focussing so much on the sex aspect, but I love you and haven't seen you for two weeks so I want to be with you and touch you as much as possible. Maybe this is smothering you and you feel like I'm being clingy, but I just feel like you are slipping away from me and I don't know how to stop it.

You said that the two weeks has flown by for you and that it isn't so bad, you have surprised yourself as to how well you have coped with being alone. Does this mean that you are now ready for me to be gone? Is this how I made you feel for the last couple of years? It just makes me feel sick to think this is how you have been feeling...

Bottom line is that you said that you weren't happy, and weren't sure about how you felt about me anymore. Yes, I know that was over a month ago and things have changed, but have they? Are you happy, or happier now? I'm scared out of my mind and I don't want to say the wrong things to you, but I also don't want to not communicate. (I get flustered when we talk directly, so unfortunately I need to write it down...) I just feel like you aren't really attracted to me anylonger and that you don't really know how to tell me, or where you want to go from here. I know you are worried about how this will affect our kids, but either way, if you are not happy they will feel that too.

I really want to make this work, even if it takes me courting and winning your heart back...but I don't want to waste either of our time if you don't feel any spark. Please think about this before answering. I don't want any resentment or feeling that you sacrificed your happiness for the good of our family. That's not something I want to find out later in life. You are the best thing that has happened to me and I'm sorry it took THIS for me to realize how I truly feel about you. I can't stand the thought of losing you, but it would be worse to find out that you were not happy for any longer than you already have been.

I love you and I'm sure I always will, no matter how this comes out. But if you have felt unloved for the last few years as you have stated, I will understand if you don't want to continue.

Love always, Coldshoulder.


I wrote this letter earlier today with the thoughts of giving it to my wife...but she showed some genuine (or at least perceived genuine) affection this evening...I'm not quite sure where we stand. I thought all was going quite well, but when I returned from my shift away, she was distant and not that affectionate...I thought, the way she was responding to my text messages and phone calls that she was ready to "jump my bonz", but in reality I had to talk her into a quicky...which I found somewhat hurtful...I've been out of the house for two weeks, wouldn't you think that you would feel the urge to be sexual when the lights went out? I was a little put out. Maybe I'm being a little sensitive and should grow a pair, but I really thought I was in for a night of aerobic sex, and I got the carousel ride.

I was expecting some fireworks and thrills, but instead got the "well I guess, if I have to..."

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed the action...but I was hoping to have my hair blown back...

Have I moved on and don't know it? or am I missing something?

Later.
 

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Honey Bunny,
I'm at a loss as to how to proceed. I know that you have said that you're mine and that you want to grow old with me, but your body language when I am actually around says something different. I am getting the vibe that you are having to endure my pressence and that you really aren't sure about your feelings toward me.

I still feel like I am in limbo and that I am an outsider visiting my own house. You seem to be taking everything that I do or say as an attack on you or that I have some hidden meaning behind my words/actions, but all I want to do is spend time with you and rekindle the flame that was once there. Do you think this is possible, or am I expecting too much too soon? From the text conversations and the phone conversations I was expecting a warmer welcome, but you seem distant. All I want is for you to be happy and if your happiness means us separating, then that is what we should do. I don't want to be forcing myself on you, or have you feel obligated to let me have sex. I feel bad for focussing so much on the sex aspect, but I love you and haven't seen you for two weeks so I want to be with you and touch you as much as possible. Maybe this is smothering you and you feel like I'm being clingy, but I just feel like you are slipping away from me and I don't know how to stop it.

You said that the two weeks has flown by for you and that it isn't so bad, you have surprised yourself as to how well you have coped with being alone. Does this mean that you are now ready for me to be gone? Is this how I made you feel for the last couple of years? It just makes me feel sick to think this is how you have been feeling...

Bottom line is that you said that you weren't happy, and weren't sure about how you felt about me anymore. Yes, I know that was over a month ago and things have changed, but have they? Are you happy, or happier now? I'm scared out of my mind and I don't want to say the wrong things to you, but I also don't want to not communicate. (I get flustered when we talk directly, so unfortunately I need to write it down...) I just feel like you aren't really attracted to me anylonger and that you don't really know how to tell me, or where you want to go from here. I know you are worried about how this will affect our kids, but either way, if you are not happy they will feel that too.

I really want to make this work, even if it takes me courting and winning your heart back...but I don't want to waste either of our time if you don't feel any spark. Please think about this before answering. I don't want any resentment or feeling that you sacrificed your happiness for the good of our family. That's not something I want to find out later in life. You are the best thing that has happened to me and I'm sorry it took THIS for me to realize how I truly feel about you. I can't stand the thought of losing you, but it would be worse to find out that you were not happy for any longer than you already have been.

I love you and I'm sure I always will, no matter how this comes out. But if you have felt unloved for the last few years as you have stated, I will understand if you don't want to continue.

Love always, Coldshoulder.


I wrote this letter earlier today with the thoughts of giving it to my wife...but she showed some genuine (or at least perceived genuine) affection this evening...I'm not quite sure where we stand. I thought all was going quite well, but when I returned from my shift away, she was distant and not that affectionate...I thought, the way she was responding to my text messages and phone calls that she was ready to "jump my bonz", but in reality I had to talk her into a quicky...which I found somewhat hurtful...I've been out of the house for two weeks, wouldn't you think that you would feel the urge to be sexual when the lights went out? I was a little put out. Maybe I'm being a little sensitive and should grow a pair, but I really thought I was in for a night of aerobic sex, and I got the carousel ride.

I was expecting some fireworks and thrills, but instead got the "well I guess, if I have to..."

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed the action...but I was hoping to have my hair blown back...

Have I moved on and don't know it? or am I missing something?

Later.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and sorry to say that you probably are missing something.
Sounds like your wife has checked out, for whatever reason and as heartfelt as your letter is, I wouldn't recommend you give her the letter right now, unfortunately you will just come across clingy and needy.
Give us some more details please.
How long have you guys been married?
Do you have kids?
Any chance of an A going on?

No amount of begging, pleading or reasoning on your part will change your wife's mind.
Do some reading.
Divorce busters is good. Read up on the 180.
Stop having sex with her. If she doesnt really want it she become more resentful.
Sounds to me like your wife is struggling with her feelings at the moment. How old is she? Could be a possible MLC!
Anyway keeP posting and give us some more details please
DG
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If it were me I wouldn't give her it. it make you look week and needy. instead just start being you. start doing what you like to do, act like you don't care about her and be open to the fact that your marriage might be comming to an end.
 

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I keep saying this:

1) Make sure you're taking care of the sh*t she needs taken care of. Make sure you're not neglecting things that are important to her. That means she doesn't have to nag you to get things done. There's no financial issues. Etc.

2) Handle her sh*t. Read about "nice guy syndrome". If you're not doing it, start making decisions for your family. Don't be her doormat. Handle her bullsh*t without turning into a needy, whiny, passive-aggressive, moody sulker. Don't argue, defend your feelings, raise your voice or allow yourself to be baited. Don't tell her 100 times a day how wonderful she is when she's not taking care of your basic needs.

3) Be able to give your affection freely without expecting something in return. That's needy, and your affection should be given because you love her, not because you're trying to buy or beg for hers.

4) Once you're doing those things, tell her what your needs and expectations are, and that it is necessary for these to be fulfilled to have a happy marriage. But it needs to be clear that she has to decide NOW and then change her behavior NOW. Make it clear that these are not negotiable. She can comply or not. If the answer is "not" then there is no possibility of a happy marriage and you have to move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the input...I was feeling the same, that the letter made me look needy & clingy...I'm still in shock over the "Are you happy, because I'm not..." talk we had at the beginning of August. I'm not giving her the letter, I just wanted to put it into words so that I could see it. Yesterday was a mixed message day for me. It was my first whole day back from being away for two weeks for work & I met her for lunch. I was going to go down in the evening after dinner with her to watch some TV, but as she was heading downstairs to the TV room she stated that "we don't need to spend every minute together, you do your thing & I'll watch my shows...". I was a little surprised since we had talked about it and she had told me that if I laughed at her shows that I would be asked to leave the room (I find her shows a little silly...So You Think You Can Dance...etc)

So I stayed upstairs & had a beer while surfing the net...motorcycle forums, car/bike reviews on YouTube, etc...then she came upstairs, said "good night, don't stay up too late..." kissed me and went to bed. I didn't want to seem clingy so I had a couple more beer, posted the letter here, watched a few more YouTube videos and went to bed after midnight...

This morning she woke up and asked me why I stayed up so late...and said "I thought you were going to cuddle me in bed, why do you only come to bed with me when you think you will get sex?"...last night was a friggin POOP test and yet again I totally failed...DAMN!!!!!

I'm pretty disappointed with myself, as she probably feels like I only want her for sex...all she would have had to say when she when going to bed was "are you coming?"...why am I such an idiot...don't answer that...

I think Drover nailed it...I need to quit trying to interpret what she is trying to say and just act on what is right.

daisygirl_41...to answer your questions...

Give us some more details please.
How long have you guys been married?
Do you have kids?
Any chance of an A going on?
How old is she? Could be a possible MLC!


Our 16th anniversary is on October 12th and we've been together for 20 years.

We have three daughters...10yo twins and a 14yo...

I don't think there is an A going on...I think I have just lost the connection with her.

She just had her 41st birthday...has recently lost 25lbs and her confidence is rising as her weight is dropping (which makes me insecure...I've lost weight too, so it shouldn't worry me but...)

We have grown apart over the last 5yrs...different interests.

I have read the 5 Love Languages, which pointed me in the right direction...I haven't been listening to how she needs to be told that she is loved...I've been showing her in my language, but I need to become fluent in her language.

I am only home for 7 days and I blew it on day one...I'm sure me sitting up late on the computer, having a few beers and not going to bed with her made her feel like nothing has changed...and I thought she wanted me to not be the hurt puppy and let her have her space...

I know I'm over thinking this stuff and it is causing me to make crappy decisions...I'm trying too hard, which translates to weak & needy...not attractive traits.

Later.
 

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...she had told me that if I laughed at her shows that I would be asked to leave the room (I find her shows a little silly...So You Think You Can Dance...etc)
Funny. I used to go through this same thing. I thought I was gently teasing her. She thought I was criticizing her. I just stopped and let her watch cr*p TV now.

So I stayed upstairs & had a beer while surfing the net...motorcycle forums, car/bike reviews on YouTube, etc...then she came upstairs, said "good night, don't stay up too late..." kissed me and went to bed. I didn't want to seem clingy so I had a couple more beer, posted the letter here, watched a few more YouTube videos and went to bed after midnight...

This morning she woke up and asked me why I stayed up so late...and said "I thought you were going to cuddle me in bed, why do you only come to bed with me when you think you will get sex?"...last night was a friggin POOP test and yet again I totally failed...DAMN!!!!!

I'm pretty disappointed with myself, as she probably feels like I only want her for sex...all she would have had to say when she when going to bed was "are you coming?"...why am I such an idiot...don't answer that...
This is pretty common. And it wasn't a sh*t test. The thing is she really believes she initiated sex. If you ask her why she doesn't initiate sex, she'll probably tell you she did and you rejected her.
 

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I really don't think you blew it. I don't think anything you do at the moment will be 'right' for her, that's why the 180 will help you.
You can't go around in tip toes second guessing her, you'll never win.
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Liaten up from a guy at the end of this process...

DON'T SEND THAT WEAK LETTER! Quit calling her honey bunny she certainly isn't right now...quit looking pathetic.

ONE simple straight forward apology for anything you did then STOP!

Here's what you do...shut up... become a better man and suck it up.

Then later you bring it up ONCE per year sort of an "anniversary" event of the disconnect.

Year one...YOUR NEEDS tell her what you need in excruciating details...

Year Two... Done helping to trying changing your mind, you are on your own to figure things out..I'm done. Its up to you to figure your own self out and what you are willing to do for our marriage...I'm done!

Year Three.... Single e-mail stating I left you on your own to figure out what it was that was your issue with xyz, we need to move forward and you are holding this marriage back.

There will be no year four because you will have fixed your marriage.


You have to let time take its course...there is no quick fix.
I will not endure a year 4.... my wife and I will be having lots of sex for the rest of our lives because I backed off changed and improved myself while she processed it all.

This is the method that is working for me.

Yes it's hard (virtually no sex at all...in fact up to 10 months without) but look at it as a three year prison sentence for rewards for life. It works because he further you get from the events/past/disconnect the better and you have a chance to tell her exactly what the terms of a happy marriage will be.... she needs time and space to process all of it.

Women's minds do not switch on a dime... you have to understand that. Yo have to put in the time so she sees that you changed and its not a mirage...the law of reciprocity will kick in

Just learn to admire all the other stuff she does in he meantime.... Return to normal is paramount....normal but better. Just act like nothing is wrong...move on and wait for her to catch up years later.
 

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I don't think you failed the poop test. You did what you wanted to do rather than what she passively aggressively tried to bait you into. If she wanted you to come to bed and cuddle with her, then she should have said so damn it!
 

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coldshoulder,

The great doctor Freud says that every man has an inner death wish and I think this letter shows yours. Quit talking and start acting and if you have to write letters, make sure they are love letters.
 

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Not a fan of letters. You need to gauge her reaction to things you say, add emphasis where needed and maybe back off from a point that will derail a discussion.

I think it was a sh!t test. She did something expecting you to do something (although you had no idea she was expecting it) and blamed you, and it sounds like you took it.

Have the conversation with her and let her know where you stand.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Just for the record, I don't call her honey bunny (never have), I just used that instead of her name...same as the end of the letter, I didn't close out with coldshoulder either...

And yes, it was a weak letter, but after I wrote it I had already decided that she wouldn't be reading it...it was like a silent therapy, and posting it in here and getting feedback is also part of it...

I think it's funny that there are many different opinions on what her reaction was last night...not a sh!t test, definitely a sh!t test, initiating sex, manipulation...it doesn't really matter what it was, it just was...but the advice is all pretty similar, don't expect a quick turn around in her attitude. Change your actions and in due time she will become aware of the change and acknowledge it.

I am going to meet her for lunch today...but that isn't the time to have the "what do you really want..." conversation, that can be later tonight...but really I already know what she wants, and you guys have confirmed what my thoughts are...quit worrying about what happened and get on with life, be the best person you can without having any expectations...be genuine with your actions, no quick fix attitude...change will happen over time, just have patience and wait for the results to come in...

But then again, I'm not the most perceptive guy so feel free to correct me.

Thanks. Later.
 

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Just for the record, I don't call her honey bunny (never have), I just used that instead of her name...same as the end of the letter, I didn't close out with coldshoulder either...

And yes, it was a weak letter, but after I wrote it I had already decided that she wouldn't be reading it...it was like a silent therapy, and posting it in here and getting feedback is also part of it...

I think it's funny that there are many different opinions on what her reaction was last night...not a sh!t test, definitely a sh!t test, initiating sex, manipulation...it doesn't really matter what it was, it just was...but the advice is all pretty similar, don't expect a quick turn around in her attitude. Change your actions and in due time she will become aware of the change and acknowledge it.
I am going to meet her for lunch today...but that isn't the time to have the "what do you really want..." conversation, that can be later tonight...but really I already know what she wants, and you guys have confirmed what my thoughts are...quit worrying about what happened and get on with life, be the best person you can without having any expectations...be genuine with your actions, no quick fix attitude...change will happen over time, just have patience and wait for the results to come in...

But then again, I'm not the most perceptive guy so feel free to correct me.

Thanks. Later.
Just for the record, sometimes they don't acknowledge the change. And most times they NEVER act on them. That's why being prepared for worst case scenario is a good plan. I'm in a similar boat unfortunately, although I haven't got the "im not happy" talk yet.
 

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Just for the record, sometimes they don't acknowledge the change. And most times they NEVER act on them. That's why being prepared for worst case scenario is a good plan. I'm in a similar boat unfortunately, although I haven't got the "im not happy" talk yet.
See, for me I was just plodding along thinking all was fine and dandy until she sat me down and asked if I was happy...I thought things were getting better, since she had become more sexually receptive...but that was her trying to get me to pay more attention to her...then she said "oh...well I'm not."

It was quite a sobering moment for me. Our sex life is still improving, so I am doing my best to be the man she wants, which is just to be more helpful around the house with tasks...I always do the cooking and look after the kids when I'm home, but she wants me to take care of the little things around the house that were getting ignored somewhat. She felt that every time I didn't do something she had asked it was because I didn't care what she wanted...she was not feeling loved, even though I tell her all the time, reach out and hold her hand, take her out to dinner, etc...but that's not how she sees love, that's how I see it...the 5 Love Languages made me aware of this...but sometimes I have trouble interpreting her messages, so I need to ask her to clarify more often...

As for her not noticing...I guess if you are doing all you can to be a good guy and trying to keep up with her requests, but she is still disengaged...well I guess you need to be prepared for the worst case. It was just the initial wake up call that still has me rattled, but if it happens it happens...nothing you can do about it.

Ten_year_hubby said:
I would be real interested on her answer if you wouldn't mind sharing with us
I will...I've posted everything else...last year I was complaining about lack of sex. Sex is getting steadily better now, but she was not feeling loved so was starting to pull away...I'm now working on fixing that, which is basically fixing me...since it was how I was treating her that caused the lack of sex drive on her part...so far as I can tell anyway.

Later.
 

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Forty-one, 25 pound weight loss, menopause, change of life, hormones changing. Be a wise man and spy on your wife. There’s something going in your wife’s life that she’s not telling you but may well be telling others. What with being a way for so long if I were you I’d set-up a sim based system that I can both record from and dial into and listen in on. Or put a couple of VARs in your home. Take it from me your wife is at a very dodgy time of life.



Your wife seems to me to be very controlling vis “"we don't need to spend every minute together, you do your thing & I'll watch my shows...". That alone would have bought the bad boy out of me. That sort of controlling stuff never did happen with my wife, but if it had of done I’d have teased her and put her over my knee for a play spanking. Do you always respond to your wife’s commands in such sheepish and mild ways? It sounds as though she were speaking to one of her children!

At the very least I’d have been out down the pub and quite possibly stayed out that night in a hotel or friends place. I’d simply stop that controlling stuff right in its tracks. My home, I’m the King of the Castle.


Put an immediate stop to all the lovey dovey stuff. Your wife is demonstrating a serious lack of respect for you and a lack of appreciation and you need to win that back. You don’t win it back by responding like a sheep to her commands and being lovey dovey.



Start behaving in unpredictable ways. Just get home late one night. Book a night out with a mate and stay out that night, just txt your wife you’ll see her tomorrow night. Get yourself new clothes and change your dress style. Always look as though you are going out on a date even when relaxing on the couch. Your wife is playing you and you need to take the ball and play your own game.
 

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I’m 63, was with my wife when she was 16 to 58 so I observed all the changes a woman goes through between those ages.

Your wife and therefore your marriage is at a very critical stage. It’s a re-evaluation stage and she very much more than likely is fitness testing you to see if you are the man she wants by her side for the remainder of her life. She of course more than likely won’t tell you this.


Also since she’s been with you since her late teens (?) she may well be getting like a “call of the wild”, to see what sex would be like with another man or men. Women are just as aware as men at this age, perhaps more so, that their clock is ticking away and they’re not getting any younger. It may also be that another man your wife finds attractive has been knocking on her door and she’s trying to decide between the two of you.

So really you have to wake yourself up, probably big time. It’s always a good time to consider your health and your age is as good a time as any. So really get into health food and fitness, if you don’t do sports try some out for size, self defence is always good and useful at any age.

Go all out to become a very attractive man, change your way of life. Get interested in new things and experiment.
 

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so really she didn't give you a clue as to why shes not happy.

I say BULL!

something esle is up. shes got her eye on someone else ans is picking you apart to justafy her feeling for who ever she eyeing



you can not make her happy everybody is responcible for their own happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I left out a bit of info...I've gotten in much better shape in the last 16 months, I have dropped 65lbs myself. Her friends are commenting, so that is also playing into this...

I don't believe there is anyone else...but I can't lie, it has crossed my mind...so it isn't impossible. We have been together since she was 21, so I'm not her only partner...in fact she had a few before choosing me.

I think some of this is from all the positive response that I received when I lost the first 30lbs...many women commented, and some were with my wife standing there. I was gracious and kinda shrugged it off, but I think it made her feel insecure. She did comment a couple of times that she thought I was "done with her..." and that's where that comment came from in the letter. I think my relationship is stronger than I realize, but the talk rattled my confidence.

We talk every night and text pretty regular throughout the evening...even exchanging some sexy pics...

Today when she came home from work, she was really in the mood...good thing all the kids were at swim practice...

I do think it is a bit of a mid-life crisis, but it's more of a "I need to spice things up" than "I want someone else"...only time will tell. I think she is just wanting me to be less predictable...so I am working on that as well.

Later.
 
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