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I have been reading and posting for about 6 months here. My Dday was a year and a month ago. Have not posted my story, need to get my head around that too (H had an EA and PA with a co-worker which I knew).

About 3 months CTU and others here taught me a lot about Reconciliation and after a lot of thought, I have given my H a chance to work on the marriage (hopefully together). I have a million questions but for now (short on time) I need to ask everyone who is trying to R "How do you go back to being sexual with your cheating spouse?"

I try but the thought of him being with her and thinking what they might or not have done, if it was better or not (we had a pretty great sex life - only man I have ever orgasm with) just gets me all worked up and not in the mood at all. We’ve had sex it is just not that fun with my head in hell, so I am not that interested (not happening a lot).

How do you get back there again?
 

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There is no "there" again.

The sexuality between you and your husband should be "new", if you will. Like any marriage dealing with infidelity, the old marriage is dead. To reconcile means beginning a new marriage.

It is not easy. I know because my wife and I have been working on reconciliation for almost a year (Dday 3/6/12) after I discovered her 5 year long affair. We've both found that creating our new sex life has been absolutely amazing.

You can't ever "get back there again"...
 

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I agree with Dig.
What you had was in the past, now is the time to find something fun to try with sex. Turn wearing something hot to set the mood.
 

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I have been reading and posting for about 6 months here. My Dday was a year and a month ago. Have not posted my story, need to get my head around that too (H had an EA and PA with a co-worker which I knew).

About 3 months CTU and others here taught me a lot about Reconciliation and after a lot of thought, I have given my H a chance to work on the marriage (hopefully together). I have a million questions but for now (short on time) I need to ask everyone who is trying to R "How do you go back to being sexual with your cheating spouse?"

I try but the thought of him being with her and thinking what they might or not have done, if it was better or not (we had a pretty great sex life - only man I have ever orgasm with) just gets me all worked up and not in the mood at all. We’ve had sex it is just not that fun with my head in hell, so I am not that interested (not happening a lot).

How do you get back there again?
since you are tryig to reconcile-i will share a few thoughts that would be conducive to it;i will share them tomorrow;For now,I hope you too find love and faith back in each other.
 

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I kicked my husband out on D day, because I wanted nothing to do with him. Didn't see him for about 3 months. When I did, the pheromones struck me and I wanted to jump him right then and there in the MC office. He was the one that held off.

Hysterical bonding is what it was, and it was a new beginning for our sex life.

Dealing with triggers head on works for me. He got a bj from a hooker, so after almost 2 years I felt ready to tackle that one and just told him I was going to give him one and keep giving them to him whenever he wanted. Now the mind movies about that are gone.
 

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How did you get the A out of your head in order to have sex and not compare yourself with anyone?
I honestly still haven't completely done that.

However, with all of the new fun stuff we do in the bedroom, I know that it is OURS. I know that the books and videos that we've looked at have given us new ideas to explore each other.

Her admission about the affair sex was kind of eye opening. She said they didn't do crazy things or experiment. That the act of the affair heightened the sexual aspect enough that it didn't warrant extra things. Not saying that is true for all affairs. It was for hers.

I'm enjoying exploring sex with her. It feels like it did 15 years ago. I'm sure she's enjoying it, too... :eek:
 

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I honestly still haven't completely done that.

However, with all of the new fun stuff we do in the bedroom, I know that it is OURS. I know that the books and videos that we've looked at have given us new ideas to explore each other.

Her admission about the affair sex was kind of eye opening. She said they didn't do crazy things or experiment. That the act of the affair heightened the sexual aspect enough that it didn't warrant extra things. Not saying that is true for all affairs. It was for hers.

I'm enjoying exploring sex with her. It feels like it did 15 years ago. I'm sure she's enjoying it, too... :eek:

Did knowing all about the sex she had in her A help you? I do not know that much, all he says is that it was nothing major and that it was not like ours. Who believes that? I mean you took your lunch break to go to a motel and f&^%k her so there had to be something there?! You risked everything and abandoned your home for that?!

What do you tell yourself to try and overcome this?
 

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Dig: I wish you would post the names of the books/videos, especially the ones that have been the most help to you and your wife. Thanks!
 

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Did knowing all about the sex she had in her A help you? I do not know that much, all he says is that it was nothing major and that it was not like ours. Who believes that? I mean you took your lunch break to go to a motel and f&^%k her so there had to be something there?! You risked everything and abandoned your home for that?!

What do you tell yourself to try and overcome this?
Yes...see, that's a big deal. Regret214 (her username here) admitted all of the sexual stuff they did. While none of it truly was outrageous, the fact that she had sex with someone other than me was devestating. Your husband should not be flippant about this sh-t, either. He needs to understand that behavior like that shows zero remorse!

Knowing what they did helped me in the long run. What I told myself was that it was time to create a new life. For me and for us. It is far in between that we have sex that I have any thought of the affair. When it happens, she can tell immediately and does the right thing. She holds me and comforts me. She tells me how much she loves me and how sorry she is for causing me so much pain.

Dig: I wish you would post the names of the books/videos, especially the ones that have been the most help to you and your wife. Thanks!
Best book: The Big Fun Sexy Sex Book by Lisa Rinna

Best video: Anything from the Better Sex website, which is produced by the Sinclair Institute.

Specific video: 10 Secrets to Great Sex (from the Better Sex series)
 

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I found the hysterical bonding the thing that helped. There was no big break between us, and so there was no stumbling block or nervous hurdle to climb over in order to start having sex again. And anyway, I had always loved sex with him, wanted it all the time. So it was easy to want some more. I wanted him, wanted him to hold me, to love me, and to make it all go away. Yeah I pictured him with her, but the more we did it the less I pictured.
 
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I have read about this but how long did it last without you wanting to kill him or mental pictures filling your head? We were separated for almost a year.
Well, we split in March, started having sex again at the end of June, he moved home in Sept, and I found out in Nov that he'd hired the hooker in June a week before we slept together again. I spent about 2 days a basket case again, then decided we'd work thru this too, and was ready after 4 days to have sex again. The mental pictures still invade my head from time to time, but nowhere near as often as they did at first. I had to actually start giving him bj's again before that particular one went away. Plus I really do find him incredibly attractive and love the sex.

It takes time and it takes you replacing the mental images of them with someone else with ones of them with you.
 

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Im my case I had more to prove to my self and even my FWW that I was better lover then the POS's she had.

Maybe its my competive nature or just the fact that I knew what buttons to push to bring her over the edge.

I wasn't going to let some POS get one over on me, it wasn't going to be some drunken night with some strange in a cheap hotel. It was going to be me in a cheap motel with all the time in the world to rock my chicks sock off.

If my FWW MO was phucking in the park or in the back seat I would have made sure it was the best back seat sex or park bench sex she ever had....thats just how I'm wired!

My FWW MO was motels and I made sure my game was on when I took her to a cheap motel....screw the triggers,,,throw that at me I can take it!

I will not let my mind get away with the negitive...I diserve good things and banging my chick in a cheap motel is what she digs, well then I'm going to be the best cheap motel sex she ever had.

No matter if she likes it or not.LOL

It always seems to make her happy in the end, no matter how hard she tries to break free.
 

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Im my case I had more to prove to my self and even my FWW that I was better lover then the POS's she had.
I did the exact same thing. When we went through that, It was, like, the best sex she ever had. But it fades.

Happy to report that I am having really good sex again... because I left my wayward and started dating a 20-something. No way in hell I was going to bear that psychological burden for my remaining 50 years on this planet.
 

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it takes a LONG time, when hubby first told me of his EA i was angry with myself because i blamed myself, so we actually had a great sex life for a while, i told him he wasnt allowed to make any moves or touch me and i did everything. we did it almost every day for 6 months......

....i was in denial

since bub 4 was born i had lots pain so didnt want to then i started to think hey hang on this wasnt my fault.
since then about 1 year we have maybe done it 6 times and not for past 3 months.

it is hard to get passed it, it is hard not to think of how they've hurt you but i told my hubby that we need a clean slate a fresh start.

so we are going back to dating this week, our first date is friday night.
good luck to you
 
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