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I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
This whole thing is just so tiring.
Sorry for not answering yours and all texts
This is exactly right. The only correct response to a suicide threat o nly correct response to a suicide threat when someone is doing it to try to coerce you is to call the police. In this case she already has a therapist, so if you don't know who that is then you call the police and say she has a therapist and see if they can reach the therapist. It's usually a bluff anyway just trying to blackmail you into staying. It's pure manipulation. you call the police on them and they learn they can't get away with that crap anymore and then you can move on.
Did she actually do that? I wasnt sure.
 

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Why would she have told him if she really wanted to commit suicide? Most people who threaten suicide are just making a desperate bid for attention as a last resort. But you can't take a chance so you have to call the police.
 

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Why would she have told him if she really wanted to commit suicide? Most people who threaten suicide are just making a desperate bid for attention as a last resort. But you can't take a chance so you have to call the police.
Yes I agree, but I wasnt sure if she actually threatened suicide.
 

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I think someone else brought that up. But she's using her quote" breakdown" the same way trying to make it so he can't leave. I mean she's to the point where she's acting like he can't leave because she's going crazy so I think that's the next step for her but yeah I probably saw somebody else mention it. Still the same situation though only maybe not as dire.
 
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People -- sigh. As usual, it's gone from what the original poster said and devolved into a bunch of speculation and talking to each other rather than the OP. Nowhere has the OP said anything about his wife threatening suicide. That assumption came from the poster saying that his wife has a therapist and psychiatrist and that she had some sort of mental breakdown (which means a lot of different things).

@Johnyx I am happy to hear that you have decided to keep your apartment. I think having your own "place"--where you feel safe and at peace--is a wise idea. That way, if things get contentious or destructive, you have a place to go that is neutral and a place for you and your good.

As regards your wife, here's the thing: she is an adult and she is responsible for her own mental health. So it's "not your job" to fix her or make sure she's mentally sound. By the same token, she is a fellow human being and it is reasonable to treat another human being with kindness, right? I mean, you don't have to be gooey sweet to someone who cheated on you, but you aren't required to be an ass to divorce her either. If she's struggling mentally or has diagnosed mental illness, I could see being a mature adult and being kind as far as you can...while you also continue moving forward with the divorce.

That doesn't mean letting her use you or manipulate you or abuse you as you separate--but it does mean that as the adult in the situation that is not mentally ill, you can consider what she truly is and is not capable of handling. Again, it's not your job to fix her or make her "able to cope"...but as an example if she just can't cope with 3 appointments/week and all the yard work and shoveling, it would be kindness to say "You do the appointments and I'll shovel this winter until our house sells."
 

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I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
This whole thing is just so tiring.
Sorry for not answering yours and all texts
you are not doing either of yourselves any favours. You being the more stable one should call the shots and take control of the situation and put a stop to all of this.
Make a clean quick break, get the divorce done, the assets settled do not prolong it any more. The longer you prolong it the worse things will be, once you make a clean cut then your STBXW can pull up her big girl panties and get on with her life also. She will have to eventually, better now not later.
 

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Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her
Hi Johny,
Don't know the circumstances of why you had to leave her (not read your earlier post) but this sounds as if it is all too raw to your wife at the moment. You seem ready to detach from her but it seems she is not able to do that yet and is obviously struggling with the thought of losing you so she is holding on to whatever means she can to keep you. You could argue that this is emotional blackmail and I am sure she does not mean it that way, she is just frightened of facing the future without you. The money (as hard as it is to know it's going down the drain) it is not the be all and end all. Mental health and happiness is far more important. Could you somehow reach a compromise where some nights you stay in your apartment and some nights you stay in the pool house. This still puts a strain on you but your wife may take comfort that you are still around initially but you need your own space and you will move on gradually. Also, have you been to counselling with her? This may help and I don't necessarily mean that it will get you back together but it may help your wife to move on.

Wishing you all the best with your struggles and please know that you are not alone.
 

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Hi Johny,
Don't know the circumstances of why you had to leave her (not read your earlier post) but this sounds as if it is all too raw to your wife at the moment. You seem ready to detach from her but it seems she is not able to do that yet and is obviously struggling with the thought of losing you so she is holding on to whatever means she can to keep you. You could argue that this is emotional blackmail and I am sure she does not mean it that way, she is just frightened of facing the future without you. The money (as hard as it is to know it's going down the drain) it is not the be all and end all. Mental health and happiness is far more important. Could you somehow reach a compromise where some nights you stay in your apartment and some nights you stay in the pool house. This still puts a strain on you but your wife may take comfort that you are still around initially but you need your own space and you will move on gradually. Also, have you been to counselling with her? This may help and I don't necessarily mean that it will get you back together but it may help your wife to move on.

Wishing you all the best with your struggles and please know that you are not alone.
I am so sorry, I should have read your initial post before I went off on my sounding board with half the facts. I hope you will forgive me for my stupid words, I just wanted to help but I got it all wrong.
Take care of yourself and I hope everything works out for the best.
 

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People -- sigh. As usual, it's gone from what the original poster said and devolved into a bunch of speculation and talking to each other rather than the OP. Nowhere has the OP said anything about his wife threatening suicide. That assumption came from the poster saying that his wife has a therapist and psychiatrist and that she had some sort of mental breakdown (which means a lot of different things).

@Johnyx I am happy to hear that you have decided to keep your apartment. I think having your own "place"--where you feel safe and at peace--is a wise idea. That way, if things get contentious or destructive, you have a place to go that is neutral and a place for you and your good.

As regards your wife, here's the thing: she is an adult and she is responsible for her own mental health. So it's "not your job" to fix her or make sure she's mentally sound. By the same token, she is a fellow human being and it is reasonable to treat another human being with kindness, right? I mean, you don't have to be gooey sweet to someone who cheated on you, but you aren't required to be an ass to divorce her either. If she's struggling mentally or has diagnosed mental illness, I could see being a mature adult and being kind as far as you can...while you also continue moving forward with the divorce.

That doesn't mean letting her use you or manipulate you or abuse you as you separate--but it does mean that as the adult in the situation that is not mentally ill, you can consider what she truly is and is not capable of handling. Again, it's not your job to fix her or make her "able to cope"...but as an example if she just can't cope with 3 appointments/week and all the yard work and shoveling, it would be kindness to say "You do the appointments and I'll shovel this winter until our house sells."
He said she was worried she'd top herself if he left. The usual way people in that state get people to do what they want is to threaten suicide. That's where my post came from.
 

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I think keeping the apartment was the right thing to do. Support her until she is better. I decided to support my wife after we separated because she was having a mental breakdown. Ok, no cheating from her and she does have mental issues, but she is still my wife and been together 35 years. It's difficult because all this will delay things, but you want to make sure your wife is mentally ok and that she is not going to do anything stupid...
 

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One of my exes was very similar. He also threatened suicide after we broke up. And again a year and a half later. I ignored him, although the guilt was horrible. A year later he was married to another woman, with a new house, great career. He was so used to guilt-tripping and throwing hysterics to get his way as a child that he did the same as an adult. Instead of starving himself, his version was going out and getting very very drunk, getting into fights, and basically trying to convince me that I was the only one that oculd keep him on the right path and I would be destroying his life if I left him. Total sh*t. The second it sunk in that I wasn't coming back he miraculously switched to a replacement overnight.
 

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I think keeping the apartment was the right thing to do. Support her until she is better. I decided to support my wife after we separated because she was having a mental breakdown. Ok, no cheating from her and she does have mental issues, but she is still my wife and been together 35 years. It's difficult because all this will delay things, but you want to make sure your wife is mentally ok and that she is not going to do anything stupid...
Ever wonder if there's a private section someplace that people talk about you and I? And maybe a few others in similar situations? Like how we just don't have a clue, why are we torturing ourselves, why are we torturing our wives, why don't we just get the whole "She's just not into you" scenario?
 

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Ever wonder if there's a private section someplace that people talk about you and I? And maybe a few others in similar situations? Like how we just don't have a clue, why are we torturing ourselves, why are we torturing our wives, why don't we just get the whole "She's just not into you" scenario?
It's called codependency. You have unresolved attachment issues from either childhood or something else that happened in your life. So instead of reacting with healthy boundaries and letting the person go and fix themselves (if they choose to), you decide to take on the saviour role and try to parent them instead. A lot of us do it, which is why those of us who finally escaped these relationships continue to return here to warn others.
 

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It's called codependency. You have unresolved attachment issues from either childhood or something else that happened in your life. So instead of reacting with healthy boundaries and letting the person go and fix themselves (if they choose to), you decide to take on the saviour role and try to parent them instead. A lot of us do it, which is why those of us who finally escaped these relationships continue to return here to warn others.
Labels are sometimes too simple; I think codependency is too broad and doesn't require the guilt issue some of us face. We feel that it's our fault, not just something we have to fix, partly because we didn't deal with it earlier. We let something go for a very long time before recognizing that's it, we've had enough. We weren't necessarily codependent during that time. The relationship was dysfunctional because we put up with crap we should not have, but it didn't serve a need doing so.
 

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Labels are just a short-hand, so not 100% perfect. But codependency definitely includes guilt. Sometimes horrendous guilt. For the 'saviour' codependent, it can feel as though you are murdering someone. I remember feeling physically sick when my ex would call me hysterical and threatening to kill himself. I couldn't eat for days and was distraught thinking I was going to get a call from the hospital telling me he was dead because of me. You assign all the control in the situation to yourself and therefore in your mind everything that the 'reliant' codependent suffers or says they suffer is entirely your fault. For me, it was due to my father acting like a perpetual victim while I was growing up. I had to be the parent rather than the daughter. That became my normal and as an adult I would latch onto men that seemed like they needed fixing. In my head, I was fixing my dad. If I failed and they commited suicide, I was potentially killing my dad. The idea was terrifying to me.

I would suggest anyone in this situation work out what the initial cause of their codependency is and get rid of the responsibility you feel over that. Especially if it was a parent (which applies to many people).
 

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I have to admit I have big codependency and attachment issues. And I don't seem to be able to get to the root of it. Possibly my parents.
 
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