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Kindness in the face of adversity because you simply can is a strength, a choice simply because you can when the path is clear.

Keep your apartment, continue to be compassionate knowing that your heart is being healed on the inside as well as the outside.

There will be times when you will be challenged over many things in the upcoming divorce, having even a small presence will allow you to keep an eye on the state of things and begin sorting out while ensuring and maintaining the upkeep of things there... stay a couple days a week just to ensure a smooth transition is not a bad idea, retreat to the peace of your apartment when done.

Your heart and mind do not have to be hardened, they just have to understand the purpose and right effort.
I'm just not convinced his heart and mind are all-in on his claimed course of action. He may not even realize that himself. He may have something like an addiction even, and without a clean break, there will be no end (for him) and torture (for both).
 

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What is the "orbital re-entry" position that must be mastered? I looked; Google doesn't come up with any results.
A slender ship does not re-enter Mother Earth's furry Van Allen belt straight in, and down.

It needs to enter at an acute angle so as to not set the skin of his craft on fire from the speed derived friction.

While the air 'there' is initially cold, his fast moving, hard body craft will soon heat it up in spades.
 

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Kindness in the face of adversity because you simply can is a strength, a choice simply because you can when the path is clear.

Keep your apartment, continue to be compassionate knowing that your heart is being healed on the inside as well as the outside.

There will be times when you will be challenged over many things in the upcoming divorce, having even a small presence will allow you to keep an eye on the state of things and begin sorting out while ensuring and maintaining the upkeep of things there... stay a couple days a week just to ensure a smooth transition is not a bad idea, retreat to the peace of your apartment when done.

Your heart and mind do not have to be hardened, they just have to understand the purpose and right effort.
Yes, we think alike.

Kindness, and its derived warmth, is not that convenient coat; it worn only on the sunnier days.

A selfish weasel, Johnny ain't.

Hopefully, not the selfless fool, yet again. :confused:
 

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In another thread, you said this...

... and lo and behold, it comes true.

Are you sure this isn't what you were expecting or even hoping for? An opportunity to come in and sort of rescue her or perhaps see her breakdown as vindication that it's been her fault all along?

I'm really surprised your moving back isn't something that scares the poop out of her mental health team. It certainly doesn't so anything for clearing her calendar so she can start new and move on with her life.

Also curious, you've spoken of bickering for 25 years, and her EA that she claimed to have given up and then restarted. How much therapy did the two of you go through? Or even just her? Changing behavior isn't easy. She has to WANT to change and make it a priority. After so many years together, that change cannot, will not, be a result of some sort of epiphany. I had long hoped that would be the case for my wife, but that's just not how people work. Very very few, even under threat of divorce, will permanently change course. Instead, they will do what they fill is necessary, at that time, to convince you they've changed. But inside they're thinking, because the way in which they think is so well ingrained after so many years, they're thinking that they can start moving back to where they were because maybe this is just a phase you're going through. Part of the process of putting the blame on you.

That doesn't mean that her thinking can't change. Just saying it's going to take a long time and a lot of work. A lot of Groundhog Days (a movie in which life repeated itself over and over and getting out of the loop, making things change, was a seemingly-impossible task... that's how my first 18 months of marriage counseling and my wife's individual counseling felt).

So here's the thing. I don't know how hard you tried, during those 25 years together, to really make things better. Maybe you just went along with it for the sake of the family. Maybe you thought it would be too much work. But it's possible that you could have made a difference if you'd worked with yourself, and with your wife, earlier. And it's possible, after 25 years, that you still can. If you want to.

What do you really want? Why did you move back?

One last thing.

That could read like someone moving on from a situation that had created depression for them. And from what you've written, even though you talk about your wife under mental health care, I get this feeling you've been feeling pretty depressed yourself. The tough part about depression is that it usually isn't situational. You might feel better for a time, moving on from your wife, but the depression may return. Because depression generally isn't created or eliminated by change in our surroundings. It's how we think about things. We have to be re-trained to see things differently.

I'm reading a lot into a very small handful of posts you've placed on TAM, so could be I'm completely wrong. But I do suggest you stop looking for answers for a little bit and focus instead of questions. Focus on the why. And if you haven't sought help, from a therapist, now would be a very good time.
I agree with this and also with the poster who pointed out that we only know things from your side. Which, of course, is always the case to various degrees.
So I’m going to disagree with the consensus that you need to cut the cord completely now and not move back. Under normal circumstances I would say otherwise but these are not normal times. The pandemic has made those who already have mental health issues especially vulnerable. I’ve seen it in friends and family. Give your wife some grace here, a few months isn’t going to matter if you can handle it yourself emotionally. Hold to strong boundaries with your wife, give her a deadline for when you’ll move back to the apartment, it doesn’t have to be for the rest of the lease, and use the time to get some therapy yourself.
 

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Blessed are those who can bend past the point of agony.

You can separate from your spouse, if the Greater Fate permits it.
We are such those pawns.....

@Johnyx is in the hands of some greater fate.
I hope it serves him well.

This is not always the case.
No.



SunCMars-
 

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Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her
I bet her therapist would be against this. She's just acting out of desperation and you should not feel the pressure to move back. It will only confuse and prolong this. she is under the care of a professional and there's nothing you can do with it but let her get through it. Please don't cave in to her .
 
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I bet her therapist would be against this. She's just acting out of desperation and you should not feel the pressure to move back. It will only confuse and prolong this. she is under the care of a professional and there's nothing you can do with it but let her get through it. Please don't cave in to her .
But the odd thing about her individual therapist, and not just hers but all of the genre, is that said therapist will make no attempt to contact the other person involved. The perspective and recommendations will be based entirely upon what the therapist hears from their client. That, to me, is just so strange. In general I get it, but in a case like this? I agree completely with your assessment the therapist would be against his moving back in (which I mentioned in an earlier post), yet the therapist would never suggest that to him. Part of that whole thing where the therapist is not there for the marriage, not there for anything other than their specific client being "whole" by themselves I guess.
 

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Depends what kind of therapist they are but this is only going to be a setback for her and she's just manipulating him back in.
 

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You're never supposed to reward bad behavior. Don't flatter yourself that you're the only one who can get her crap together for her. She has a professional to help do that now.
 

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It doesn't matter that the therapist isn't contacting you because her problems aren't about you. The therapist isn't trying to counsel your marriage. She's trying to find out why the patient is in crisis and that's about her and her history. you're just going to slow down progress if you cave into her and let her manipulate you into staying.
 

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Wow, well played wifey. She played you like a fiddle and you fell right for it. How manipulative of her. If she wanted to stay married, she shouldn't have cheated. Simple.

So I’m going to disagree with the consensus that you need to cut the cord completely now and not move back. Under normal circumstances I would say otherwise but these are not normal times. The pandemic has made those who already have mental health issues especially vulnerable. I’ve seen it in friends and family. Give your wife some grace here,
And where was her grace for the OP while she was cheating? Nope, her mental health is her own responsibility. Not OP's.

OP I think you should stay in your apartment. If she threatens suicide call the authorities and let them deal with her. 1 of 2 things will happen - she'll get the help she needs, or, she'll learn a lesson - that you can't be bullied and manipulated into doing what she wants.
 

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Men are often the fools, the worn-dull tools of childish women.
 

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It is a big mistake to go back. She knows now what she has to do to get you to come home.
You're still thinking this is about her. I think this may be about him, this may be what he wants to do. We are really lacking in backstory here. As the OP's story is "enriched" through answering questions, we may learn enough to have a handle on things, see the bigger picture. For now, if desired, OP can be seen as being manipulative. Or manipulated. Or a combination of the two.
 

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Like a fool I returned to this thread.
Where is @Johnyx ?

Is this why your wife found another man?
Because, you are not available?
 

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I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
This whole thing is just so tiring.
Sorry for not answering yours and all texts
You have made the right decision because otherwise you would be just prolonging the inevitable. She is very fortunate in that she is getting a lot of professionsl help, and presumably also has other family members and friends? All you really need to discuss from now on is the divorce details. Its far better for both of you to have a clean break and get it sorted asap.
She wont see it that way though, as she doesn't want you to leave her. Its unfortunate that you have to work together, is there some way you can have a break from that for a time? It will be very hard to separate with seeing each other every day, no wonder you are exhausted.
 

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If she threatens suicide call the authorities and let them deal with her. 1 of 2 things will happen - she'll get the help she needs, or, she'll learn a lesson - that you can't be bullied and manipulated into doing what she wants.
This is exactly right. The only correct response to a suicide threat o nly correct response to a suicide threat when someone is doing it to try to coerce you is to call the police. In this case she already has a therapist, so if you don't know who that is then you call the police and say she has a therapist and see if they can reach the therapist. It's usually a bluff anyway just trying to blackmail you into staying. It's pure manipulation. you call the police on them and they learn they can't get away with that crap anymore and then you can move on.
 

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Don't let her pull you down into her problems. Stay focused on moving the divorce forward.
 
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