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Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her
 

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When I was trying to work out a separation with my ex, he threatened suicide and had a breakdown as well. I know it's difficult, but you are not responsible for your wife's mental health or what she does or how much weight she loses. There's no one else who can be there for her and support her? Siblings, friends, parents? For her to lean on you for mental/emotional support right now seems like a horrible idea for you both.
 

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Has she threatened suicide? I think you are making a massive mistake by going back, it will merely prolong the ending and keep you trapped there which I think is her aim(hence her begging). I dont think you will ever get away if you go back as each time you try this will happen, she is determined not to let you go. Surely she has other family or close friends who can help her out if she needs it? She is already having 3 appointments a week to help her which is a very large amount of help, far more than most people have.
It may also be best if you can stop seeing her at work. Could you sell your half of the business or get a manager in for now?

Ripping off the plaster and staying away is kinder for both of you. Prolonging the process is a terrible idea. People have survived ending a marriage and she will too, and I cant help feeling that all this drama is just to get you back.
 

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Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

Dude didn't she cheat on you? Why can this other guy come and stay with her? Did you ask her that?
 

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In another thread, you said this...
should I expect thing to get worse , will some kind of breakdown inevitably happen.
im just thinking that it’s all too easy.
... and lo and behold, it comes true.

Are you sure this isn't what you were expecting or even hoping for? An opportunity to come in and sort of rescue her or perhaps see her breakdown as vindication that it's been her fault all along?

I'm really surprised your moving back isn't something that scares the poop out of her mental health team. It certainly doesn't so anything for clearing her calendar so she can start new and move on with her life.

Also curious, you've spoken of bickering for 25 years, and her EA that she claimed to have given up and then restarted. How much therapy did the two of you go through? Or even just her? Changing behavior isn't easy. She has to WANT to change and make it a priority. After so many years together, that change cannot, will not, be a result of some sort of epiphany. I had long hoped that would be the case for my wife, but that's just not how people work. Very very few, even under threat of divorce, will permanently change course. Instead, they will do what they fill is necessary, at that time, to convince you they've changed. But inside they're thinking, because the way in which they think is so well ingrained after so many years, they're thinking that they can start moving back to where they were because maybe this is just a phase you're going through. Part of the process of putting the blame on you.

That doesn't mean that her thinking can't change. Just saying it's going to take a long time and a lot of work. A lot of Groundhog Days (a movie in which life repeated itself over and over and getting out of the loop, making things change, was a seemingly-impossible task... that's how my first 18 months of marriage counseling and my wife's individual counseling felt).

So here's the thing. I don't know how hard you tried, during those 25 years together, to really make things better. Maybe you just went along with it for the sake of the family. Maybe you thought it would be too much work. But it's possible that you could have made a difference if you'd worked with yourself, and with your wife, earlier. And it's possible, after 25 years, that you still can. If you want to.

What do you really want? Why did you move back?

One last thing.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
That could read like someone moving on from a situation that had created depression for them. And from what you've written, even though you talk about your wife under mental health care, I get this feeling you've been feeling pretty depressed yourself. The tough part about depression is that it usually isn't situational. You might feel better for a time, moving on from your wife, but the depression may return. Because depression generally isn't created or eliminated by change in our surroundings. It's how we think about things. We have to be re-trained to see things differently.

I'm reading a lot into a very small handful of posts you've placed on TAM, so could be I'm completely wrong. But I do suggest you stop looking for answers for a little bit and focus instead of questions. Focus on the why. And if you haven't sought help, from a therapist, now would be a very good time.
 

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Do whatever is easier on you.

Others here agree, that you should separate altogether and divorce.
She is a nasty mess.

She had an EA with another man trying to hold herself together.
This was wrong on her part, of course.
She got huffy with you when you snooped and brought this to light.

The OM is now likely hesitant to further his part in this affair.

He sees her for what she is.
A shaking mess, uh no, Mrs..

You have a business to run, you already see her during its operation, so moving in the pool house is just another sacrifice you (can) endure until the divorce is done.

I would talk nicely to the owners of the flat you leased.
Beg out of it, hat in hand.

Give them a few months rent in advance to quell their objections.
I would tell them about your divorce.

Only later, and if necessary tell them that money is going to be very scarce in the future over the pending loss of your marriage and company.

No landlord wants to fight for money in court.

Good luck.
 

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Do whatever is easier on you.

Others here agree, that you should separate altogether and divorce.
She is a nasty mess.

She had an EA with another man trying to hold herself together.
This was wrong on her part, of course.
She got huffy with you when you snooped and brought this to light.

The OM is now likely hesitant to further his part in this affair.

He sees her for what she is.
A shaking mess, uh no, Mrs..

You have a business to run, you already see her during its operation, so moving in the pool house is just another sacrifice you (can) endure until the divorce is done.

I would talk nicely to the owners of the flat you leased.
Beg out of it, hat in hand.

Give them a few months rent in advance to quell their objections.
I would tell them about your divorce.

Only later, and if necessary tell them that money is going to be very scarce in the future over the pending loss of your marriage and company.

No landlord wants to fight for money in court.

Good luck.
Why should he do this? They are getting divorced. He was starting his new life, he loves the apartment, paid for a year, and most importantly feels better there.

Moving into the pool house will benefit no one.
 

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Why should he do this? They are getting divorced. He was starting his new life, he loves the apartment, paid for a year, and most importantly feels better there.

Moving into the pool house will benefit no one.
I don't think @Johnyx is good at understanding consequences. He doesn't fully commit because he feels like he can back out of things... like 11 months rent on a place. We're seeing things entirely from his side; from her side, @Johnyx may be a moving target.
 

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Why should he do this? They are getting divorced. He was starting his new life, he loves the apartment, paid for a year, and most importantly feels better there.

Moving into the pool house will benefit no one.
We think this...
He doesn't.
 

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You cannot turn lead into gold, nor can you turn a nice guy into cad-mium.

These, those ladies dream of having that nice guy until they discover him soft jello.

Nice guys get the job done, harder men leave some for begging.

Nice guys take their time with lovemaking, harder guys just take her.
 
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When you have a neurotic wife you must remain more boldly, nervy.
And, disengage most of your sense of hearing.

She must remain, just a challenge to bed, a difficult orbital re-entry.

You, yourself need to become, and remain, thick-skinned and impenetrable.


The Martian-
 

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Some ladies can desert their man, never their emotions.

A lady broken, needs a man to repair her, and to replay, over and over, her song.

It is a man's comforting arms and lips that assuage away her fears, and his ears, less his words, that calm her.

Ladies often wish to spill their heart and for some loving man to lick shut the wound.

.................................................................

Johnyx is such that man, as the other man was not up to the task.
His wayward STBXW needs a man near to comfort her in this darkness that she feels.

She now feels abandoned, no, further abandoned.


The Typist-
 

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When you have a neurotic wife you must remain more boldly, nervy.
And, disengage most of your sense of hearing.

She must remain, just a challenge to bed, a difficult orbital re-entry.

You, yourself need to become, and remain, thick-skinned and impenetrable.


The Martian-
What is the "orbital re-entry" position that must be mastered? I looked; Google doesn't come up with any results.
 

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Kindness in the face of adversity because you simply can is a strength, a choice simply because you can when the path is clear.

Keep your apartment, continue to be compassionate knowing that your heart is being healed on the inside as well as the outside.

There will be times when you will be challenged over many things in the upcoming divorce, having even a small presence will allow you to keep an eye on the state of things and begin sorting out while ensuring and maintaining the upkeep of things there... stay a couple days a week just to ensure a smooth transition is not a bad idea, retreat to the peace of your apartment when done.

Your heart and mind do not have to be hardened, they just have to understand the purpose and right effort.
 

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Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her
What?
Why would you do such a thing?
She had an EA on you. You gave her the gift of a second chance.
She threw that in your face.
You were entirely justified in moving on.
She then takes the tact of emotionally abusing and manipulating you and you kowtow to it?
Why? Why are you putting yourself through the drama.
She doesn't belong to you. She belongs to the streets.
Get yourself another place and get out.
She is responsible for her own actions. If she harms herself, that is of her own accord.
Look out for #1. You. She is, and it is not in your best interest.
 
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