How long has the pornography been an issue? Has he had any emotional or physical affairs? How do you two communicate? When you say he is addicted to lying, is that about the pornography, or are there other things?

I would say that if you are seriously considering leaving, the first thing you need to do is try to find a job that is full time. Most courts will expect you to work full time even if you have been a SAHM up until now. Was your staying at home a joint decision? I ask because there will be the implication that you somehow "owe" him if you have been staying home (which is ridiculous, but just trying to dot the i's and cross the t's).

I would let him no in no uncertain terms how unhappy you are and why. If you have not tried MC, I would make it a requirement and give it best effort, even if you feel you are done.

 

Most courts will expect you to work full time even if you have been a SAHM up until now.

What do courts have to do with whether a SAHM gets a job? What is the court's expectation that "you work full time"? Why do they expect it?

I've never heard of anything like that. Please explain because you left it open-ended.

 

It has been an issue for our entire marriage, though he had me fooled that it was a non issue and completely normal. I have tried to accept it. I have tried to keep up but none of my efforts have been good enough. He lies about watching it, he lies about being done with it. He does tell other little white lies but I honestly just don't trust much of what he says. I am not naive here but on an actual affair my best guess would be no, he goes to and from work each day, he is always home on time/gets there on time. Doesn't go out with friends or anything (for no other reason than he does work very long hours and has a really bad commute so there is really no time)

My staying home has always been a joint decision, I had offered many times over the years to get a full time job or work alternating shifts from him but it was always said that I am needed more here than I am bringing home a paycheck. I have no idea what I would ever do for full time work. I am not a dumb person by any means but I have been home since I was around 21.

I do think we should do marriage counseling but every time I have brought it up in the past to get out of it he will improve certain behaviors until I let it go. I take care of everything to do with the kids, the house, the upkeep of the yard, cooking, cleaning etc.. and I have always done this so happily because I deeply appreciate my life and the ability to be at home. I feel like he has crossed too many lines this time, we don't have sex anymore but every few months, it isn't because of rejection either. He has gained a considerable amount of weight and that never even bothered me but what is too much for me is the porn that I most recently found on a kindle in the bathroom closet.. and what he seems to be doing. He is into bondage and seems to be doing this stuff on his own. I had tried in the past to give him what he wants as far as that stuff but it always left me feeling uncomfortable and my efforts were never enough anyway.

 

Here is what I would do, but bear in mind I am not all-knowing and am just...well, me. But I left a marriage with serious issues, and so I guess I have some sort of perspective.

1. Start looking for a full time job. It doesn't have to pay big money. Think about the skills you have. You have typed your posts with good grammar, so you at least having typing skills, can search the internet, etc. Look at clerical work. You have managed a home and children. That gives you skills as well. I would sign up for sites like Elance, where you can do some freelance clerical work and even become a virtual assistant for a bit. This will also help your resume.

2. Figure out what separation would look like. Would he be the one to move out? What would visitation entail? I'm a big believer in 50/50. How would that work?

3. You said your part time work is at your church. What is their stance on pornography and honesty? Most Biblical churches worth their salt will frown on it. This can be an important piece. You don't want to smear your husband by any means, but if you DO separate and he starts spinning tales of you deserting his poor self, it's good to know that your church will be a safe haven where you can tell the truth and receive understanding. Sadly, porn is seen as a right most other places, so people would rather defend it than admit the harm it can do to marriages.

4. How would you tell your children?

5. I would do a free consultation with a couple of attorneys just to see what your options might be and what things might look like.

6. I would make counseling a hard line. No improvement to get out of it. Just say, "I don't think I can continue in this marriage without serious changes. Changes we need help to make. I have made an appointment with a marriage counselor for X date, and I want us to go so that I can continue to be married to you." If he balks, say, "Your refusal to get help with our marriage says to me that you do not value our marriage or me and that you do not care whether we remain married or not." Make it unemotional but crystal clear.

7. Be above reproach. Make sure that if you share any of your issues with a friend, it is a FEMALE friend. This goes without saying, but people can and will look for any ***** to make you the villian. Don't give them ammunition.

 

I think she was saying that a court isn't going to award you enough alimony/support that you don't have to support yourself at all.

 

Personofinterest- Thank you so much for all your thoughts. I truly appreciate them. You bring up a lot of GOOD questions, and the main one is visitation and telling the kids.
I can't even imagine telling the kids or having to share birthdays and holidays, weekends etc. However if he can't work with me on certain things I am sure there will be no other choice eventually.

I also don't know how it would work out with the house either, my kids love this house, I love this house but I could never afford it on my own. I had thought about if it ever came to splitting up we could let the kids continue to live their lives and split time in the house, it seems to work out OK for a lot of people.

I feel very conflicted. I can't imagine not being married to him anymore. I don't like him very much right now but I do love him. I also can't imagine living the rest of my life this way either. The kids are getting older and more independent, eventually it will just be the two of us but I just can't compete with his addiction. Been there, done that.

 

Personofinterest- Thank you so much for all your thoughts. I truly appreciate them. You bring up a lot of GOOD questions, and the main one is visitation and telling the kids.
I can't even imagine telling the kids or having to share birthdays and holidays, weekends etc. However if he can't work with me on certain things I am sure there will be no other choice eventually.

I also don't know how it would work out with the house either, my kids love this house, I love this house but I could never afford it on my own. I had thought about if it ever came to splitting up we could let the kids continue to live their lives and split time in the house, it seems to work out OK for a lot of people.

I feel very conflicted. I can't imagine not being married to him anymore. I don't like him very much right now but I do love him. I also can't imagine living the rest of my life this way either. The kids are getting older and more independent, eventually it will just be the two of us but I just can't compete with his addiction. Been there, done that.

That is the crux of the problem. Your H needs to be enlightened to why this is an addiction and relationship killer. Get a few books on it. Read them yourself. Then drop them on you H lap. Advise he needs to read them. You will discuss what is in the books when he has read them.

 

["I feel very conflicted. I can't imagine not being married to him anymore. I don't like him very much right now but I do love him"]


Says alot right there....I'm sure that he would have some stuff to say to you if he is hurting as well. I would start with IC and figure yourself out. Then, the porn and degrading talk needs to be stopped. And needs to see that your love and heart are dying. After you building yourself up, you can address the marriage out of a place of love and respect. If nothing cannot be changed or happen, then D is on the table and amicable treatment between the both of you for the sake of the kids....

 

It is pretty doubtful that he is hurting at all. If he is he is fine with hiding it or just not letting anything bother him. He is the one that needs the counseling, of course with marriage counseling we would do that together but for the first time in my life I have myself figured out. I know how I feel, and I know his actions are wrong and I deserve better than to be second fiddle to some dirty videos.

 

And just to add another layer...

I suffer from 3 autoimmune diseases and I am on immune suppression drugs which make certain fields almost impossible for me to work in, and dangerous for my own health. Before anyone has to wonder I do want to point a couple of things out.. I do not use my illnesses to get out of things or for a reason to be lazy, I do not complain about them, in fact I push myself harder to prove that I am ok.

 

Ugh, I'm sorry. That must be painful and exhausting.

I would ask at a consultation how that factors in with support. A person with those health challenges might be more entitled to support than an able-bodied person who could find a job anywhere that is hiring.

I have a friend in your situation who is married to a serial cheater She is stuck because without his insurance, she cannot get the medicine that actually helps her, and she cannot work full time due to her serious health issues.

I hate to see these kinds of situations

 

You MUST find full time work. The suggestion of utilizing a temp agency is a good one. Some even offer benefits to their employees. (not that you need it at this point, but good to have the option) I would suggest that once you have yourself gainfully employed, you then approach him with where you are at. Tell him you require the two of you to do counseling together, and that he get therapy on his own for his problem. As someone else stated, non negotiable. Dont let him out of it because he pretends to behave better, you know that is a bullcrap game now. If he tries to flip the script on you and tells you to get out, make sure you DO NOT LEAVE. Legally he cannot kick you out of your home. You deserve better than he is giving you, and if he refuses to do better, then you need to end this.

 

BUT I am not happy in my marriage, I haven't been in a long time. My husband is addicted to porn and lying. I feel no attraction to him anymore because of these behaviors. I can't even stand to be in the same room with him anymore.

He has ZERO idea that I am feeling this way. I honestly don't even know how I would bring it up because he would think I was just kidding.. I think he feels a lot of power in the fact that I couldn't keep up with the house and all the bills without him.

@Mrs.K if you are to a point where you are ready to consider divorce, you are also at a point where you finally have the power to reconcile it as well. If your husband lies to you about porn, the fact that he lies erodes trust in the relationship. If you are harboring resent towards him and refusing to talk about it, that is also a form of lying (by selectively omitting communications about your feelings in the relationship).

Why would he lie to you? He probably convinces himself that he can stop, but at the end of the day you are who you are and that can be impossible to change. He should instead be open and honest with you. If there are areas where he has imperfections he can make you aware of those things so that you can work together in a healthy way. But instead he lies to himself and you, and nothing will ever change.

Why would you lie to him about being ready to end the marriage? Because you don't want to hurt him, and you do not want him to hurt you by dismissing your feelings. So you lie to protect the relationship and make everything easier. Essentially the same reasons he has lied to you.

So, back to my point... If you are at a point where you no longer care for the marriage, you no longer care about hurting your husband's feelings AND he no longer has the power to hurt your feelings because you are ready to let go. At this point you could put it out there that you know that he keeps watching porn, lying to you about it, and you can no longer accept a husband for which you can not trust and is not open and honest to you. Tell him he needs to seriously work on solving these problems because it may already be too late, or to help work with you towards and amicable divorce.

Regards,
Badsanta

 

@badsanta you are right, it is all about protecting feelings for sure. I said to him casually a few weeks ago that I was sure he was watching it again he said no and quickly changed the subject. At this point I had proof but I did not push because I did not want to embarrass him, in the past I would have pushed but I don't have a desire to hurt his feelings or make him feel embarrassed. Not that I had the desire to before but with age comes patience and more awareness.

I don't even know how to bring it up anymore, I guess. It also bothers me because does he think I am stupid? He is leaving all the signs right out in the open. And I do feel guilty because I have been giving him the cold shoulder and he has no clue why. Yesterday I told him that every single area of my life feels so disappointing right now and he got very defensive. I thought that I would end up bringing it up but I decided to table it.

 

I would like to hear from some women who have left their husbands after spending just about their entire adult life as a housewife.

I have been a stay at home mom for SIXTEEN years. I work a part time job for our church which wouldn't pay for much at all.

Until very recently I have never seriously considered separation or divorce because I don't know how I would make it.. I still don't. Kids are 8,11 and 16 and have never known anything but having me at home, at every school and sporting event. They are my entire life and that change alone would about kill me.

BUT I am not happy in my marriage, I haven't been in a long time. My husband is addicted to porn and lying. I feel no attraction to him anymore because of these behaviors. I can't even stand to be in the same room with him anymore.

He has ZERO idea that I am feeling this way. I honestly don't even know how I would bring it up because he would think I was just kidding.. I think he feels a lot of power in the fact that I couldn't keep up with the house and all the bills without him.

Wow. My wife and I have this agreement that if either one of us are not happy in the marriage, or a certain behavior is not acceptable, we will tell each other. At that point, it is up to the other person to change their behavior. If they do not change the behavior, then consequences are legitimate.

You should really discuss with your husband how unhappy you are and that you are considering divorce. At least give him a chance.

 

Except that her husband knows FULL WELL how she feels about his porn addiction, and he is doing it AGAIN.

Yes, the OP should be very upfront about her feelings, but he cannot honestly claim ignorance when he is choosing something he KNOWS hurts her AND he is deceiving her about it.

That's like cheating and then saying "well you should have TOLD me that was a dealbreaker!"

Some things are just obvious.

 

So this may seem a bit strange but not being happy in the marriage... have you defined what happiness would be? Does your husband have any idea of what that would take? Would you be better able to take on the problems in your marriage if your self-esteem was improved?

Would you feel comfortable laying down the law to your husband? He’s going to not take you very seriously at first, because you’ve brought it up before and not held him accountable. But it sounds like, if he did change, you could learn to like him again.

I’d look into a total nuclear effort to try and get things right with your relationship because of what you’ve already invested in it, the kids, and that you said you still love your husband. Define what will make you happy and see if he’s willing to be the person to help get you there. Place a time limit on it, and consequences if he falls off the porn wagon.

And, reading between the lines, maybe you’re LD , maybe you’ve accepted a nearly non-existent sex life, but perhaps that’s making you feel like you’re being rejected and that’s also reducing your self-esteem.

 

My self esteem is fine. I am not bothered by him simply looking at naked women. I am bothered by the fact that these actions have replaced sex for him. I used to initiate sex but stopped for a few reasons, one being I was the only one doing it, so it kind of makes you feel you're the only one wanting it, next reason is that when I would it would always end up in what he wanted and me making myself uncomfortable to make him happy and no matter what I did it could never just be good enough, he always had to push it one step further thinking he would change my mind about what I wanted and didn't want. How much should one person have to compromise? It's been years and years of me giving into things to keep him happy. It bothers me because he KNOWS why I am doing it and is just always pushing for more instead of appreciating my willingness to meet him halfway.

I have gone through periods of being LD but most of those involved pregnancy, child birth, having an infant and the death of one of our children in normal circumstances though I think I have more of a drive than he does.

I also am not treating him like he is a freak of nature. I am posting these things here to try and prepare for a conversation with him that DOESN'T include him feeling badly about himself. Last time we had a blow out over porn he admitted to be that it was an addiction to him and he needed to stop, for a while he did and every aspect of our marriage got better. I didn't judge him, I worked through it with him. It was his choice to start watching it again and leave me out of his sex life.

 

As far as what I would like to do for work.. my plan has always been wanting to go back to school to be a grief counselor. If we can't work things out I honestly don't think I will ever be able to go back to school, work full time, take care of a home, 3 kids and manage 3 autoimmune diseases. Believe me, I know people do it but I also know my own limits.

Trust that I understand aside from this my husband has provided me with a gift I could never repay him for and that is all these years at home with the kids. No matter what happens I will never regret these years. I just can't keep going like we are now. I DO think it is unfair to him that I feel this way towards him and I think he is unfair to me for not just being honest, which yes.. at this point I am also not being honest with him and I understand that but I have tried that for years and it hasn't gotten us anywhere.

 

As far as what I would like to do for work.. my plan has always been wanting to go back to school to be a grief counselor. If we can't work things out I honestly don't think I will ever be able to go back to school, work full time, take care of a home, 3 kids and manage 3 autoimmune diseases. Believe me, I know people do it but I also know my own limits.

I get that it's hard to do all that, been there done it. I'm not going to tell you that you can do it if you just woman up because I don't know the extent of your health issues. But there is some part of it that you can do. And there are things that your husband is going to have to do. You will never know how much you can do until you start on that path.

How long would it take you to get through whatever training/education you need to be a grief counselor? Another thing to consider is how much does a grief counselor make? What sorts of places would hire you? What's the market like for grief counselors where you live?

Trust that I understand aside from this my husband has provided me with a gift I could never repay him for and that is all these years at home with the kids. No matter what happens I will never regret these years. I just can't keep going like we are now. I DO think it is unfair to him that I feel this way towards him and I think he is unfair to me for not just being honest, which yes.. at this point I am also not being honest with him and I understand that but I have tried that for years and it hasn't gotten us anywhere.

Did you read the link about the "walkaway wife syndrome"? It's all about women who tried to talk about it for years and their husband just does not get it. What would you have to do to get him to 'get it'?

I think that one of the things you need to do is to come up with a way to talk about it that he does understand. That's part of what the books I suggested are about. After you read those two books, there is another good one that I think works with those two books... "Divorce Busting". The author is the woman in the video for the "walkaway wife syndrome".

You say that you have come to a point where you really know yourself now. But I think that there is a step further that you need to get to, its the place in which you are so confident about yourself that you can communicate the issues to him and that you can tell him that you will leave if he does not wake up and hear the music. It's not an ultimatum. It's you telling him the facts as you see them.

You need to be happy within yourself first. That's where you need to put your energy right now. What do you do for yourself these days?

 

Since I do not know where you live, my first suggestion is that you quietly look for an attorney. Usually, and please make this plain when you schedule the appointment, that the first consultation is both free and confidential. That is the best starting point in this process. There are any number of pitfalls, however, you are describing a classic alimony situation. Essentially, he will pay to end this marriage. You have followed the rules that I have imposed over the years. You offered to assist in supporting the household, consequently, you have a lack of either marketable skills, or skills that have not been taken out of mothballs for years. That translates to an unenviable position for your STBXH.

A few pointers: Please keep this on the downlow. Do not let him know what you are thinking. Make yourself a file: In it will be copies of all bank statements, investments, trading slips and insurance policies. Make a note of all credit cards, if you can, please access his wallet, and see what he is carrying around with him. Get copies of as many statements as you can. Find out what you have in debt. Take an inventory of possessions. Find the deed to the house, and mortgage documents. You may not need this, however, it has always proved invaluable. If you keep your head about you while everyone else is losing theirs, you will succeed (paraphrasing Kipling)

 

If it is otherwise a great marriage, please give him the chance of counseling before going straight to divorce. Not “changing,” but counseling. If he can get help he may be able to change enough to save the marriage.

 

I realize you are probably right in your suggestion. I am just so frustrated because he has gotten help before, two years ago when he vowed to give it up he had confided in someone at a men's retreat at church, from there he had been to a support group and he stopped going and I was fine with it because we were on a good path. I am not sure what happened within the past few months that has made him go back to it and slide into all prior behaviors but I am just tired of it and I feel like I don't have another round of this bull in me.

At the same time, I silently observed my household this evening (I have not said much to him at all.. usually he can't deal with me cold shouldering him and he just went with it, this tells me he has figured out that I know and he is waiting for me to let it go- he will be extra helpful etc) and I see all the good that is around me. He is a super engaged father, the kids think he is the best thing that has ever happened. It would appear that he is a wonderful husband to, he's good to me for the most part, there is no major fighting or tension between us in the home. So I started to wonder?? Could i really rock my kids worlds because their father won't have sex with me more than a few times a year? When it comes down to it, it seems selfish.

 

The last time he gave it up after some time he did ask for certain things.. All things I was willing to do, like I have mentioned there were just a couple of things that were a hard no for me. I made myself available whether I was in the mood or not (and if I wasn't in the mood I never showed it, cause I didn't want him to feel bad) to help keep him where he said he wanted to be. I am honestly perplexed at what happened to make him go back. It has been a slow change in his actions and mood in the last 4 months or so.

 

You could ask him. You said he's waiting for you to confront him...instead of blowing up at him, calmly ask him why? Then calmly tell him you're done.

I know how hard this is for you. I'm sorry. *hugs*

 

Yes since he has been heavy on the porn use we do not have sex, sometimes we do once every 3 months, sometimes it stretches to 6 months.

This is from another thread and I am replying here to avoid thread jacking (starting a discussion within another discussion).

If your marriage is going up to six months without sex and you are in your thirties, then this is a SERIOUS problem. As you husband ages it may even get worse as his libido declines and he withdraws even further.

You need to sit down and sort out what makes your marriage difficult. How much is the result of life being messy and there being very little quality time together due to work schedules? How much is a result of your personalities just not getting along that well (without placing blame on anyone)? What is within your power to change and what is not? You need to confront your husband and let him know exactly where your marriage stands and try to focus on a few positive things if you want him to make an effort to reconcile.

Understanding everything in context, I think your first step should be to look for a job. This both helps you take a few steps toward gaining independence AND it possibly alleviates your husband's schedule to take more time off work for his own self development (hobby, exercise and efforts towards marriage counseling). If this happens and your husband uses some extra time to wallow in self pity, depression, and porn then you are more independent and ready to leave him. If your husband gets his act together, then that is a much more positive situation.

In the meantime try and find opportunities for laughter here and there with your husband. When working through problems it helps sometimes to laugh at problems while working through them as opposed to being serious and upset. You probably should jokingly tell your husband he can watch all the porn he wants as long as he uses a blindfold.

Switching topics a little, there was another wife that had problems with her husband using porn and things did get better. In one instance about a year into working on things, the wife decided to describe a porn movie to her husband (she just made it up and had not watched anything) as if she had watched it herself for foreplay. The husband responded so well to this, that awkwardly he got upset about it and withdrew again. Suddenly he now found himself feeling threatened by porn as if it offered his wife something he would not be able to provide and they got into ugly fights again. ...so that is the next kind of temper tantrum you have to look forwards to in your marriage if you start to work on things. A few steps forwards and a few steps backwards is always the name of the game.

Regards,
Badsanta

 

This is from another thread and I am replying here to avoid thread jacking (starting a discussion within another discussion).



If your marriage is going up to six months without sex and you are in your thirties, then this is a SERIOUS problem. As you husband ages it may even get worse as his libido declines and he withdraws even further.



You need to sit down and sort out what makes your marriage difficult. How much is the result of life being messy and there being very little quality time together due to work schedules? How much is a result of your personalities just not getting along that well (without placing blame on anyone)? What is within your power to change and what is not? You need to confront your husband and let him know exactly where your marriage stands and try to focus on a few positive things if you want him to make an effort to reconcile.



Understanding everything in context, I think your first step should be to look for a job. This both helps you take a few steps toward gaining independence AND it possibly alleviates your husband's schedule to take more time off work for his own self development (hobby, exercise and efforts towards marriage counseling). If this happens and your husband uses some extra time to wallow in self pity, depression, and porn then you are more independent and ready to leave him. If your husband gets his act together, then that is a much more positive situation.



In the meantime try and find opportunities for laughter here and there with your husband. When working through problems it helps sometimes to laugh at problems while working through them as opposed to being serious and upset. You probably should jokingly tell your husband he can watch all the porn he wants as long as he uses a blindfold.



Switching topics a little, there was another wife that had problems with her husband using porn and things did get better. In one instance about a year into working on things, the wife decided to describe a porn movie to her husband (she just made it up and had not watched anything) as if she had watched it herself for foreplay. The husband responded so well to this, that awkwardly he got upset about it and withdrew again. Suddenly he now found himself feeling threatened by porn as if it offered his wife something he would not be able to provide and they got into ugly fights again. ...so that is the next kind of temper tantrum you have to look forwards to in your marriage if you start to work on things. A few steps forwards and a few steps backwards is always the name of the game.



Regards,

Badsanta

Not that anyone is implying anything but I do want to make it clear that I do not have any sort of aversion to working. I do work part time now, I don’t make a ton of money but it’s very flexible. Even though I have been home for 16 years I have not just taken, you know? I’ve babysat, cleaned houses and stuff to bring a little money in. I also take care of all the bills (it’s the way he has always wanted it) and household stuff and I’ve always been respectful of the money he makes. He often compliments me on it.

So my kids are obviously on summer vacation right now but if I were to go out and get a full time job when they go back it wouldn’t make a difference to him as far as the hours that he works.. he would still be working the same amount and have the same commute. He doesn’t want a new job either. Two of the children would require after school care, the one who doesn’t could watch them but he just bought a car and started a job.

Because I would still be the one home more that would leave me working a part time job (I won’t give up my current one) a full time job and full responsibility to the house, kids and their sports, home work and all activities. Then you add in the layers of my health issues on top of that and it makes for a very hard situation that I am not even sure would be doable. However... when we finally do talk I am going to ask him if he would like me to work full time.

The more I think and my anger wears down a bit o am realizing what we need is counseling and not my foot out the door just yet.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

" He has gained a considerable amount of weight and that never even bothered me but what is too much for me is the porn that I most recently found on a kindle in the bathroom closet.. and what he seems to be doing."

OK, the first thing you need to do is have a convo wherein you state that you don't care what he does with his pecker; but, for God's sake don't leave evidence around where a kid can find it. Kids are nosy and curious and I can guarantee you that if you found it then a kid probably has, too.

Next, you need to realize that at your kids' ages they can handle most of the household chores themselves. It isn't all on you and they need to learn anyway in order to be fully functioning adults.

Third, stop tiptoeing around the fact that your sex life sucks. You deserve a satisfying sex life, too, and if he isn't up to the job then you will find someone who is.

Fourth, realize that you are not his therapist and it isn't your place to fix him. He either gets help or he gets out.

 

First, she made it very clear she does care what he does with his pecker.


Third, an ultimatum isn't the way to get what you want. Solving the problem with open communication.

Fourth, she hasn't communicated anything with him in a way he has taken seriously because she sucks at communicating.

 

He has ZERO idea that I am feeling this way. I honestly don't even know how I would bring it up because he would think I was just kidding.. I think he feels a lot of power in the fact that I couldn't keep up with the house and all the bills without him.

You must tell him. Your H is not a mind reader. When you do and your H laughs it off....advise you are considering D. But, mean it when you say it.

Further, alimony(child support). You are not powerless at all. You sell the current home and find a place you can afford.

 

I empathize with you. Porn affects more than just the user. Here is a website that goes into depth about the issues caused by porn use.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/videos-articles/

 

{sigh}

I guess there are some people who just don't believe in the fact that you can lead a horse to water; but, you can't make him drink. Short of water-boarding the poor critter, I don't know what one can do.

Maybe she can try speaking Greek to him or speaking in tongues. It's obvious that speaking in his native language is ineffective because he doesn't WANT to LISTEN.

 

He has zero idea how I am feeling though because at that point I had made the choice to keep my feelings to myself and figure out how I wanted to proceed.

And yes.. if I ever told him I was leaving he would laugh or say "ok then, go" because he just wouldn't believe that it was really happening. As @meme2020 pointed out he feels like he has a lot of leverage as the main breadwinner in the house. Just because he would not take me seriously doesn't mean I am not expressing myself in a clear way.

I am not "afraid" to approach him but I know exactly how it will go. I guess we will see tonight when we finally talk.

 

He has zero idea how I am feeling though because at that point I had made the choice to keep my feelings to myself and figure out how I wanted to proceed.

And yes.. if I ever told him I was leaving he would laugh or say "ok then, go" because he just wouldn't believe that it was really happening. As @meme2020 pointed out he feels like he has a lot of leverage as the main breadwinner in the house. Just because he would not take me seriously doesn't mean I am not expressing myself in a clear way.

I am not "afraid" to approach him but I know exactly how it will go. I guess we will see tonight when we finally talk.

This is reprehensible behavior. It is disrespectful and unloving. This is the worst of male behavior and exactly why the good ol' days weren't always so good.... when economics simply gave the man power and he had little incentive to treat his captive like a true partner.

I wish you the best in your talk.

 

Tell him in no uncertain terms that unless he gets help with his porn addiction then you are divorcing him. If he refuses and tells you to go, then start the ball rolling the next morning. Make sure your actions back up your words and follow through.

 

@Mrs.K,

First, thanks for filling in some of the blanks so we know a little more about what's going on and why you're not happy. You are there and we are not, but I think we get an overall view of the situation.

Second, sorry people replied to each other and not to you. For some reason that seems to be happening a lot lately. I'd recommend you just ignore it, but that's only my suggestion, not a requirement or anything. Take it with a grain of salt.

Third, speaking of "grains of salt" I want you to know that even though you've presented your side as clearly and factually as possible, I am aware that there is another side to the story and that most likely his side is quite different than your side. That's only because it's human nature to make oneself "look good" whilst making the spouse "look bad" (super general, generic terms there)...and that's okay. I know it exists and so part of me is trying to bear in mind what your husband's side might be as well.

Fourth, to answer your questions, I have been divorced but it wasn't after 16 years of being a SAHM. I had two elementary-aged children when my first husband cheated on me and refused to stop cheating. We owned our own business together, but I worked around the kids...so I walked them to school, then came into the office and did administration and bookkeeping until 3pm...walked them home and did some work while they did homework at the kitchen table...made dinner and got them in bed...then worked some more from 9pm to noon. I was out of the workforce and self-employed for about 10 years, and my exH made roughly $6k/mo while I made $2k/mo.

When we divorced, my exH "took off" to be with his mistress (as in, moved to another state), and without him the business could not run, so I was with no way to provide for myself and the kids. Like you, I have an autoimmune disease (RA), so it wasn't as if my options were limitless...BUT I have skills that are very marketable: bookkeeping, administrative assistant, business office manager, and LOTS of computer skill. So when we divorced, I didn't ask for alimony. I figured I was fairly able-bodied and would find a job and provide even if it was poorer than we had been. If I had asked for it, I believe the prevailing ruling was a certain amount per month for a certain number of years in order for you to get training/get on your own feet--then you're own provision is up to you. So for example, the judge would consider that my exH would likely still be able to earn $6k/mo compared to my ability to earn $2k/mo and say that he should pay $1.5k/mo for 4 years so that he'd average at $4.5k/mo and I'd average $3.5k/mo for the amount of time it might take me to go back to college and get some degree or training that would result in better employment chance for me. THEN, after the 4 years, it would be reviewed...because he might still only be able to earn $6k but I'd be able to earn $4k now... Make sense?

BUT I DID ASK FOR CHILD SUPPORT!! Now, my thought there was that he made the kids with me, and it was fair and reasonable for him to do his share financially to care for the kids. It was back in the 90's but he paid about $800/kid I believe, and what I did (so he'd know what it was used for) was that I put that money straight to the house payment. That way, I wasn't frittering it and he knew the money was literally putting a roof over the kids' heads. Next, we did agree to split costs 50/50 but you know how kids are: "Mom, I need a baseball mit" "Mom, we have a field trip tomorrow and it cost $10" "Mom, it's time to join the football team and sign up costs $XXX" etc. All those nickles and dimes drove my exH CRAZY so I agree for him to pay the entry fee for sports (one son did football...the other baseball) and equipment, or entry fee for something like "drama club" or those kinds of clubs... and I would do all the nickel and dime field trips, "I need ___ by tomorrow!" and drama club costumes. In the end, it was roughly equal, and it was a way that he felt like he could "plan for it" and I was okay being more flexible.

Lastly I'll mention this: prior to my divorce, we lived in a 4000 sqft dream house with a large yard and in-ground swimming pool. We both had 2 year old cars, and honestly we were rich. Because he chose to continue cheating, the kids and I had to move from your upper-middleclass home and sell it, and that was sad. But we found a cute little townhome near their school (closer to their friends) with a community pool, and we could afford it, AND it was OURS so we never felt powerless again. It couldn't be taken from us or used as a threat in any way. So my guess is that if you do choose to separate/divorce, you will very likely have a change in your life circumstances. You may not get to keep the house and get alimony and "have the exact same lifestyle"...but you know what? That's okay! Maybe you and your children will have to move and sell your current house, but wherever you go, look together and choose it together so that your new place has all the little things each one of you finds necessary. You may not have the same financial blessings that you have now, but you know what? That's okay! Love is free and making cheap dinners together is free and having your kids' friends over without hubby complaining about it is free...a very happy, good life can be had for no cost! You may not be able to just buy what you want, when you want, but you know what? That's okay! Learning to save is a good lesson. Postponing gratification is a good lesson. Learning the value of an item is a good lesson. It's all okay!

Hope this helps you to maybe envision what it might be like...

 

I had also meant to add what you went through and came out of is amazing. I would like to think that I would be able to handle things in the same way if it ever does come to the point where I just can't put up with it anymore.

I have the advantage and disadvantage of my kids being a little bit older. Lets face it, I suppose there is no perfect age for kids to be when this stuff comes up.

My mood has sucked all week and my oldest is on to something and wants to know why everyone has been in a bad mood all week.

 

I was married for decades to a cheater. His excuse, each time he was caught, was to blame his behavior on his family of origin issues. There were many broken promises. I think he wanted to change but he felt there was just too much to overcome. Your husband may want to change but he also may feel there is just too much to overcome. Not everyone can manage to be who they should be. If he can't overcome this -- even with his marriage on the line -- then obviously you have to decide to accept him as he is or get out because you can't make him change.