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Hello everyone, I'm new here and this is rather scary, to post for the first time, but here I go:

I met my partner online. Neither of us was on that game for a relationship, but it developped into more. He was friends with benefits for 4 years with a girlfriend of his. She was in love with him, he not with her.

As soon as we had agreed to a exclusive long distance relationship, he claims they had no sex anymore. But their relationship still seems like more than just friends.
He slept in her bed for over a week when he was moving home. They both say nothing happened, but it seems too much for me.
Also he was drunk and said sexual things to her, unclear if he masturbated in that chat. She send an copy to me, when he was living in my country for almost a year. I must admit now and then I send her messages through facebook, wanting to find out what really happened...

Anyhow, my insecurity (childhood issues) and what has happened, makes it hard to trust him. Since he is living with me, in anther country, he has no contact with her. He tries hard to make me trust him. But my low self esteem and what happened before makes me make the same circle of distrust over and over again.

I'm looking forward to any ideas or help in this. Thank younall already.
 

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You said, "He was friends with benefits for 4 years with a girlfriend of his. She was in love with him, he not with her."

And you said, "He slept in her bed for over a week when he was moving home. They both say nothing happened, but it seems too much for me."

I have a hard time understanding women who voluntarily sign up for this kind of relationship. First he was "friends with benefits"? "not in love with him"? I know I'm going against what our culture has become but IMHO any man who uses a woman "for benefits" might as well go get an inflatable partner and use that. He can get his thrill and no one (but him) is hurt in the process.

As far as "slept in her bed for a week" ... and ... "nothing happened"? Has he been castrated? If he has I might believe nothing happened. If not, it's almost delusional to believe it.

Catfan I don't know you, but I do know you deserve better than that. You deserve a man who will treat you like you are special and who will respect you and be faithful to you. There are men like that out there. Plenty of them. You just need to start believing in yourself and demanding (to yourself) that you won't settle for anything less. Get some friends (girlfriends) of character and then trust their judgement about guys you are interested in until you've got experience with the right guy.

If your man really has changed, is now loyal and faithful to you then great - I wish you all the best. But if he starts repeating what he's done in the past you're not being deceived by "low self-esteem" or "childhood issues" not to trust him. Not trusting that type of behavior isn't low self-esteem ... it's common sense!

Sorry if I seem passionate about this but I've got 3 sons who treat women with respect, and a daughter who I'd have a serious get together with if some guy even dreamed of treating her the way you've described. And you deserve as much too.
 

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When i was 18 i moved from the US to Canada 2500 miles to be in part with a guy i met on the internet. I had lied to him and told him that i'd only had 1 sexual partner. When i confessed that it had indeed had 3 partners before him he flipped out and started digging up information on me online. I MOVED A COUNTRY AWAY FOR HIM. You said that this guy is living in YOUR country with you. If that isn't commitment enough i don't know what is. He dug for weeks, months, possibly longer and when he finally tracked down one of my old partners he asked the guy for grusome details. It was insane! First of all it was a year before our relationship even started online. This constant distrust led to violent outbursts and we began a 2 year abusive relationship. You should be so lucky that he's trying to be honest with you, even if something happened, could he change it now? Would knowing the gritty details really make it better for you? I now am am much older (30) have long since left that relationship (and good ridence) it wasnt' because it perhaps couldn't have worked but the fact that some people can not let go of the past really makes the "future" of a relationship doomed to fail. If leaving his family his friends his entire life to move a country away for you isn't proof enough that he wants to be with you, than i'm afraid to say that i feel you may need some introspective therapy. I'm not trying to be harsh, i've just been where this situation is, i've been on the otherside. We were young and new and i thought everything would be peaches and cream. It wasn't and it turned out horribly. It was the last time i ever turned to the internet for a relationship. You just can NEVER know someone 100% online. They are always something different in real live (on both ends of the spectrum). If you want your relationship to work, if he's cut contact with his ex, and it's only you trying to stir up some past issues, than maybe you should also delete her from your present and start working on your relationship, before he resents you for making him leave his entire life to move a country away to be with someone who can't trust such a HUGE guesture. I know in my situation after the 2nd black eye, i left and never looked back. I'm so glad also, because how can you have a healthy relationship when their is NO trust, or even the potential for trust. Just My opinion, i do wish you luck.
 

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As soon as we had agreed to a exclusive long distance relationship, he claims they had no sex anymore. But their relationship still seems like more than just friends.
There are three things that stick out about your post to me, both of which are related to the part I quoted.

1. How much face-to-face contact did you have before you agreed to be exclusive? If it wasn't much, then why get worked up over it? You're looking for a reason to be mistrustful. Let's assume that he's a normal guy and slept with her. He felt excited about you, knew that FWB was going to end soon, but didn't yet have enough trust and faith to know IF your relationship would be all that he hoped, so there really isn't much to lose. If he thinks it will hurt you or harm him, he would be likely to minimize or deny the part he thinks would cause harm.

2. You say it "still seems." You're keeping this topic alive and letting it affect your relationship. Why on earth did you let him move if you were not ok with what was happening? This makes YOU pretty untrustworthy, too. If your relationship falls apart because you can't get over this, imagine how he'll feel that you let him go through all that trouble only to make him a bad guy that you would not accept.

3. You already know he had sex chat and masturbation. This is across the line, too. If you can accept that, accept that he slept with her. If you cannot accept that he slept with her, you shouldn't be accepting of this either. You're sending mixed messages that are NOT teaching him what you want him to learn about how to treat you. Teach him that you trust your instinct and believe he did wrong and give him ONE chance to never cross any of those lines again, or else teach him that you won't tolerate any of it even once and call off your relationship.
 
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