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Discussion Starter #1
Title is pretty self explanatory.
Been working on myself trying to gain the affection and desire from my wife. Last month I told her I needed to make love with her at least 3 times a week. Things were great the following week, best ever, or so I thought.

The following week? PMS, then she gets a cold half way into her period. So, we've gone from one amazing week to twice in the past 3 weeks or so. Understandable right?

Then I find out she's been sharing with her friends how much she hates me always wanting sex and how much she needs to get out of the house and away from me to avoid it. Weird eh? I thought she was enjoying our new found love for each other. Turns out she hated me pursuing her every day that one amazing week.

We got into a nasty argument when I found this out and of course she initially tried to deny reality. Once she calmed down, she told me of the times back in the day when she really enjoyed being with me...those nights when she'd come home from being out with her friends and crawling into bed with me. Problem is, those nights were pretty rare.

So now it seems, she's trying to compromise while revealing that she only enjoys having sex with me a few times a year? When on her terms? WTF?

I guess I'll have to keep working on myself and if she doesn't respond, what else can I do? She knows very well I will not tolerate this.
 

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Title is pretty self explanatory.
Been working on myself trying to gain the affection and desire from my wife. Last month I told her I needed to make love with her at least 3 times a week. Things were great the following week, best ever, or so I thought.

The following week? PMS, then she gets a cold half way into her period. So, we've gone from one amazing week to twice in the past 3 weeks or so. Understandable right?


I guess I'll have to keep working on myself and if she doesn't respond, what else can I do? She knows very well I will not tolerate this.
Not sure exactly what you're asking us, it sounds like you're on the right track making your needs/desires known. If you want to make it work, stick to your guns. It's pretty silly to think she's going to give up her position in the power struggle just because you challenge it. Own your behavior and above all, let her own hers behavior
 

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C,
How long married, how many kids?
Is the non-sexual part of the marriage good?
Outside the bedroom, when does she put your wants/needs first? When do you put hers first?

Was your sex life ever good/frequent? When did it go bad?

You are actually married - loosely - to two different women. Mostly she is the "not" ovulating woman who likes some level of aggression from you.

Two/three days a month she is ovulating and wants a high level of aggression from you.

When did she lose her "desire to please" you?

What happens if you go out/spend time with friends, sharply reduce the time you spend with her?

Why the heck is she comfortable talking trash about you with friends?

Have you let yourself go physically? Do other women still show interest in you?

Title is pretty self explanatory.
Been working on myself trying to gain the affection and desire from my wife. Last month I told her I needed to make love with her at least 3 times a week. Things were great the following week, best ever, or so I thought.

The following week? PMS, then she gets a cold half way into her period. So, we've gone from one amazing week to twice in the past 3 weeks or so. Understandable right?

Then I find out she's been sharing with her friends how much she hates me always wanting sex and how much she needs to get out of the house and away from me to avoid it. Weird eh? I thought she was enjoying our new found love for each other. Turns out she hated me pursuing her every day that one amazing week.

We got into a nasty argument when I found this out and of course she initially tried to deny reality. Once she calmed down, she told me of the times back in the day when she really enjoyed being with me...those nights when she'd come home from being out with her friends and crawling into bed with me. Problem is, those nights were pretty rare.

So now it seems, she's trying to compromise while revealing that she only enjoys having sex with me a few times a year? When on her terms? WTF?

I guess I'll have to keep working on myself and if she doesn't respond, what else can I do? She knows very well I will not tolerate this.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
How long married, how many kids? 9 years, 2 kids
Is the non-sexual part of the marriage good? Pretty good
Outside the bedroom, when does she put your wants/needs first? Hmmm...not often
When do you put hers first? Not often in the past, but working on it and progressing along.
Was your sex life ever good/frequent? Only the first couple of years into the marriage were good.
When did it go bad? A long time ago and I accepted it until I had an epiphany about 4 months ago.
When did she lose her "desire to please" you? A long time ago
What happens if you go out/spend time with friends, sharply reduce the time you spend with her? I haven't had much opportunity to do this. She does actually encourage me to get out more.
Why the heck is she comfortable talking trash about you with friends? Not sure
Have you let yourself go physically? Do other women still show interest in you? No, I still look good and yes, other women do show interest in me even around my wife.

For the record, we're both trying to improve our marriage on many fronts. Been chipping away at it for a few months now. I'm working to help meet her needs, and she doesn't seem to take my #1 priority seriously. Even though she knows it is destroying the marriage.
 

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Three times a week would seem excessive for a low drive woman I believe. Why not twice a week, that way she has time to wind down from the last time and wind up to the next one. If she is saying to her friends that you want it too much for her comfort, then why not compromise with her.
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C,
You need to find out why she doesn't like it.

Maybe you are too loving, too soft and romantic and she is more into sex than making love.

Maybe she wants you to last longer.

You need to get her to tell you what turns her on and off. And whatever you do, don't argue.

If she gives you vague bs about doing more housework just laugh and smack her on the butt.

The pressure needs to be on getting her to tell you her turn ons and offs in and out of bed.

She is already telling you that your home too much.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks MEM. Should I pull back on accommodating some of her needs?
I can't see how that will make me more attractive though if I, let's say, stop making dinner for the family all together. I mean, if she's not willing to work with me on meeting my most important need, what incentive do I have to do things that she likes?

Some background, I am the breadwinner of the house, pay all the bills and support the family. I am working on my MAP and know which "beta" and "alpha" traits I need to up as well as tone down.

I guess only time will tell if she responds with more sexual desire toward me.
 

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Stop talking and start using body language to read her and also to let her know what you think.

Spend less time at home and when home - less time with her.

If she is a full time SAHM, why isn't she cooking dinner at least some nights?

Come home late 2-3 nights a week.


Thanks MEM. Should I pull back on accommodating some of her needs?
I can't see how that will make me more attractive though if I, let's say, stop making dinner for the family all together. I mean, if she's not willing to work with me on meeting my most important need, what incentive do I have to do things that she likes?

Some background, I am the breadwinner of the house, pay all the bills and support the family. I am working on my MAP and know which "beta" and "alpha" traits I need to up as well as tone down.

I guess only time will tell if she responds with more sexual desire toward me.
 

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At our marriage counselling weekend recently the topic was sex. The male instructor said 'some long term couples want it once a week, and some are perfectly fine with once a month'. I found this interesting.

The number of women with kids at home who would have the time and energy for 3 times a week may not be all that high. JMO

Maybe it's good that you found out that 3x a week made her feel very pressured, perhaps you need to have a frank discussion again about meeting somewhere in the middle.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Yeah, I guess a big part of it is I am pressuring her too much.
Today was her first day at her new job and came home 1/2hr before the kids. I asked if she was feeling frisky and she said "we'll have to be quick". Not the best, but better than nothing right?

I'll proceed to find out more about what is turning her off. She's already told me today that she hates me chasing her around the house. I said that I understand, I'll stop pressuring you so much, but I enjoy "chasing" you around the house! She laughed.

We'll see how things go from here.
 

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I asked if she was feeling frisky and she said "we'll have to be quick". Not the best, but better than nothing right?
Maybe you could lower your quality standards here in order to get your schedule filled. It makes perfect sense to me that one would need something more often if the delivery is less satisfying.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Maybe you could lower your quality standards here in order to get your schedule filled. It makes perfect sense to me that one would need something more often if the delivery is less satisfying.
Agreed. But she still doesn't "want" to most of the time. I'll keep chipping away and figure it out. As the one poster said, just may have to settle somewhere in the middle. Ha! 1.5 times per week. Does the .5 mean I only get to go in half way?
 

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But she still doesn't "want" to most of the time.
Does the .5 mean I only get to go in half way?
I would suggest respectfully letting her own her "wants" with an occasional, gentle, loving suggestion that her "wants" or lack thereof may in fact be a choice rather than a biological condition. In my humble experience, .5 always works contrary to my goals so I always go for whole numbers, even if I'm only getting half.
 

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But that's pushing her away. She's actively trying to avoid sex with me.
You sound co-dependant. Your internal logic is broken.

You are not pushing her away. She is choosing to withdrawl. You are not responsible for her actions.

You'll be more attractive to her once your thinking becomes more healthy.

"Honey I want sex" "oh but I have a headache"

Her headache has nothing to do with your desire for sex. Redraw these boundries in your head and start working on acceptance (inner peace is good) or plan B.

Part of plan B might involve how to handle things more EFFECTIVELY. Learn behaviors that you exhibit that result in her choosing to pull away. Modify those behaviors. Start acting in ways that encourage her desire for you. (note, availability kills attraction. Thats why you are getting suggestions to not be home, not hang out around her, etc)

There is a catch. These actions must come from a place of integrity, inner peace (see I told you it's good), genuiness (is that a word?). There must be no hidden agenda. You cannot act this way thinking "If I act this way, she's have sex with me". Because you will resent her when she does not have sex with your. No inner peace...

It's all about the way things work in your head. You also need to be willing to move on if the sex does not meet your needs. That is what a healthy person would do.

Don't expect immediate results. You are in a tricky position. You are 1/2 (I know how you love fractions) of a unhealthy couple. You can't fix her. You can fix yourself. You can LEAD your relationship to a healthy place where the poo tang is freely flowing. But you can't TAKE it there.

I'm in the same place, by the way. So don't think you are alone. The difference between people like us, and something like 70% of the other husbands out there (the couples who report there are happy with once a month sex is Fin BS, it's just that the husbands are too afraid to report they aren't happy...denail ain't just a river in Egypt), is we are not longer willing to stay in this place. Finding our way out is tough. The easy way out, the short term fix, is divorce - start over without the work of trying to fix this mess.

What you and I are looking at, is an extremely difficult, long term project.
 

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I'm in the same place, by the way. So don't think you are alone. The difference between people like us, and something like 70% of the other husbands out there (the couples who report there are happy with once a month sex is Fin BS, it's just that the husbands are too afraid to report they aren't happy...denail ain't just a river in Egypt), is we are not longer willing to stay in this place. Finding our way out is tough. The easy way out, the short term fix, is divorce - start over without the work of trying to fix this mess.

What you and I are looking at, is an extremely difficult, long term project.
Thanks Saki, same here. For 10 years I tried to make myself be OK with the unhappiness, misguidedly thinking it was the right thing to do since it appears to work for a lot of other guys and seems to be desired by even more women. As my wife continued to be consumed with getting her way and eventually served me with divorce papers, I couldn't come up with a reason to keep her. That was my aha moment. Clearly, no one is going to keep my marriage together but me and I can't do it if I'm not getting what I need. So I shouldered the burden and the cause and got down to the business of making it work. And it's not easy
 

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It's a real eye opener, isn't it?

I tried to make myself be OK with the unhappiness, misguidedly thinking it was the right thing to do since it appears to work for a lot of other guys
APPEARS to work. It dosen't. It really dosen't.

Start looking for the truly happy marriages out there. IF you can find one, and I wouldn't be surprised if you can't, you'll notice one thing - the guy is NOT shy about expressing both his need and his enjoyment of sex.

There are an incredible number of people out there who will never admit to their unhappiness. Oftentimes even to themselves.

This is why it's so incredibly important to have a stong sense of self worth. The only thing in the entire world that matters is what you think.

This logic: I repress my unhappiness in my marriage because everyone else does - is bull****.

I'm not bagging on you, so hopefully you don't take this as offense, but so many people think this way. And they lose so much of their life because of it :(

You deserve to be happy in your marriage. If you are not happy, you must speak up and you must be willing to move on if your spouse can't met your needs.

...seems to be desired by even more women.
But it just isn't.

On another forum, they have the term "red pill moment" (taken from the Matrix - you can take the blue pill and keep living the dead, unconscious existance you have been, or take the red pill and watch reality unfold around you!!). It's usually brought on by reading the alpha male material, the pick up artist stuff.

It's the moment you realize how women really work.

Unhappy men moping around doing what they are told don't make their panties wet.

Again, look at those happy marriages you might be lucky enough to find. Do those men just do what their told, stuff their needs to attend to their wive's beck and call?

Men with strong boundries, who assert themselves, who are comfortable with who they are and know how to get what they want, that is what makes women tick.

Are you that kinda man??
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Men with strong boundries, who assert themselves, who are comfortable with who they are and know how to get what they want, that is what makes women tick.
Saki and TYH, thanks for the insightful wisdom in your responses.

Question? All women? How would a very shy, emotionally "conservative" woman take to a man like that?
 
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