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Hi -

I'm a 37 year old male. We have been together for 12 years. Over the years my life has been full of drama due to her, and I've always been steady state. I've put myself through school, and have held the same job for 15 years.

The problem is my wife (36)is unwilling to do ANYTHING .... She will not clean, wash her own clothes, pick up after herself, remember to pay her own bills. Her bedroom (We have started sleeping apart because she has to have the TV on and dog in the room to fall asleep and won't compromise) looks like an episode of Hoarders. 20 cokes that are half drunk, clothes everywhere. She might wash clothes once a month but never puts them up, they just end up in another room to be picked through. The house gets nasty quickly and it is always up to me to initiate and get things cleaned up. On the weekend it's like pulling teeth to get her to help clean up at all. And we always end up in a fight because her attempts to clean up always end up in a half ass job that I have to do anyways. She does not cook much either, and when she does she never washes a dish or runs the dishwasher. I literally have to take care of everything to keep from being buried in this house.

She currently has a job now and has had it for over a year. This is a new record. She has had more jobs and been fired so many times. She was addicted to pain killers for awhile back then and has always had back problems.

I fell in love with her because she does have a big caring heart, but I just feel like I'm not getting any help. I could type all night but the bottom line is the whole house is on me.

Our Sex life has waned and is mostly uninspired now. I try to talk to her and encourage her to go back to the doctor and tell him exactly whats going on. No one should lay on the couch all day and do nothing. She has been to doctors and psychologists. She take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. She accepts everything the doctors say as the bible and rarely uses common sense. I feel the meds have ruined her. She is pretty much now a chain smoker and has gained about 40 pounds. She says she is going to go to the doctor but never goes.

When we talk or argue about any of this, I'm accused of putting her down and nagging. I may be guilty of a bad comment in the heat of an argument, but the only reason we are fighting is because I can't get her to do anything.

I understand that she may be depressed, but she has no drive to fix herself in any way. I feel like I need to start over, I've just put so much time into this it is hard and sad to think about leaving it behind. The bottom line is I'm not happy and all we do is argue. The love seems gone, even though she will tell me she loves me it seems pretty hollow. I feel like I deserve better treatment.

Anyways just venting, wondering how many others are dealing with things like this and if there is any advice. I'm open to criticism if I'm not seeing something here.
 

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You could make the doc appointment and go with her. Then you talk to the doc about what's going on.

I don't see anything here to save however. She seems to have serious mental health issues. You are being dragged down into the depth of her dispare. You life is suffering for this.

At some point you have to save yourself by getting out of what has become a trap for you.

I've had similar problems with my husband who said he could not find a job for 10 years and did nothing all day but play computer games and surf the web. I'm divorced now.
 

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She does sound very depressed & the meds don't seem to be working. Does she have any friends or hobbies? What was she like when you were dating?

I've been seriously depressed but didn't turn into a hoarder but I do believe her hoarding & sloth like behavior could be a symptom of her depression.
 

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What is her mother like?? Could her mother maybe sit down and talk with her or help her with straightening your home up to the point where you could possibly get a cleaning service once a week. Sometimes when you get over your head in the cleaning department, it's hard to get out without some help. What is she depressed about? Sometimes those meds can do more harm than good. I've never been a fan of a doctor, unless it's a psychiatrist, prescribing meds like that. You will probably need to take control of the situation and make an appointment with a doctor and go with her. Take baby steps.
 

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I don't know why people are like this. I've seen some people who are depressed and others not.

Some people don't mind living in a messy or cluttered house. I have an aunt who is very lazy(due to depression). She's so bad that she won't throw garbage in the garbage can. It's disgusting and I haven't been to her house in years. She's being treated for depression, but it's not working. My chicken coop is much much cleaner then her house. Then I've seen people who just hate to clean and don't mind living in filth. Maybe it's a mental health disorder?

Having a clean house clutter free feels good. I have my youngest daughter that has OCD that everything needs to be picked up and in it's right spot. She has anxiety if something is out of place and it's not just her room, it's the entire house. This is fine by me since I love a clean house and I like to clean. My husband would rather not clean, but he likes a clean house too and helps what I physically can not do.

I don't have any advice, but I do wish you the best of luck finding a solution to fix this. Usually people will not change unless it's on their own terms.
 

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Agony, thank u for the video, very truthful. It's about finding the root cause and showing compassion for that root cause of " laziness" that helps long term.
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I appreciate the responses. Let me answer a few of the questions that were posted. I've told her just yesterday I want to go to the doctor with her, the question is should we go to a family doctor, which would be a new guy (her old doc not around any more) or to the Psychiatrist who put her on these meds? She was dependant on pain killers for awhile, and this guy go her off of those and has tweaked her on and off and now has her on what she is on now.
The soup she currently is on is :
Trazodone 150
Chlordiazepoxide 25
Perphen-Amtrip 2MG-25
Advil PM
She has also recently started taking Wellabutrin (Her Moms) to give her more energy etc, but the top three are what she has been on for the longest.

She has a couple of friends and no real hobbies. She just likes watching soaps, primetime, and going out for dinner. Her mother has been on antidepressants her whole life from what I understand (Zoloft) etc. She blames her mother for making her clean up all the time as a child (excuse). She was not like this when we started dating she did not mind cleaning and I was a typical guy. She would clean my house up. I'm not the cleanest person in the world, but I know when it's time to clean up and get things done.

I'm hoping I can go with her to a doc/phys and they really listen to me. She never tells them the whole truth. She never tells them how non-energetic and uninspired in life she is.

Personally I wish she could be strong enough to just make herself get up and starting doing something, a walk out side, wash a car, something. I feel a combination of making yourself get up and do things and changing your diet could do wonders. She eats a probably 90% carb diet, and not the good carbs. White rice, potatoes, noodles etc, and coke to drink, not diet.

Again I appreciate the responses. I am going "All in" this time, baby steps if needed. I'm no longer going to let this behavior loop where I complain she says she will do better and nothing ever changes. I know they say people don't change, but I don't think it can ever be possible if your under the control of certain meds. I really believe that. I can't let this go on and continue to be a stranger in my own house.

Thanks
 

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I'm not a generally lazy person, but I have been chronically "lazy" at home. I simply never did housework, and it caused a lot of the same kinds of problems in relationships. I wasn't as severe as your wife, but there were certainly some similarities. I can still get 3 bottles of soda accumulated on my desk before I get up and clean them.

That video is a FABULOUS explanation. When I married my husband, I found his easy acceptance of others' flaws to be a blessed gift in my life. This isn't to say he doesn't sometimes feel critical - he does - but that he's tolerant and doesn't criticize. In our home, laundry is an example of how we avoided this issue.

He is a sort by color AND material kind of guy. Always use fabric softener. Remove them promptly from dryer to fold/hang so they don't get wrinkles.

I am a person who will let them go until I need something from it, and then I will iron the clothes I wear. I now do things his way and I don't feel unhappy about it.

In other relationships, I'd have felt resentful and controlled if I adopted someone else's way of doing things. I'd have anticipated criticism and avoided the tasks. Since I'd get criticized for doing it wrong just as I'd get criticized for not doing it, it was less work to leave it and deal with the criticism.

I don't know if this can help you or not, but my husband's willingness to jump in and get things done without criticism made me feel more competitive and do more.
 

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Trazadone makes you tired. She needs to eat better, get active and clean up after herself. I would tell her that because her bad habits are affecting your quality of life and its not fair to you. Be compassionate with her though and have a sit down where you gently talk to her, ask her how she is doing. Don't say she is lazy that's a judgement and will only make her more tired because its like beating someone down with words.
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I just reread your post and more thoroughly. Your wife's back pain might not be managed well and this could be the reason why she's not cleaning. She's working full time and there's only so much you can physically do without going into unbearable pain.

Being addicted to pain medicines and being dependent are two different things. Pain medicine is very misunderstood, especially by those who take them correctly. Also, drinking is out of the question while taking medications. It's very dangerous.

I'm unable to work. I broke my neck 5 years ago and I have permanent damage. I still have 2 herniated discs the surgeon refused to fuse due to my age and the domino effect. It's a very difficult life to live and my husband really works very hard to support me. Even my doctors tell me I'm extremely lucky to have such a supportive husband.

I'm disabled from this. I'm in constant severe pain every second of my life. I can not work, I can not hold my head up longer then 1-2 hours at a time and I need a wheelchair when there's a lot of walking involved. However, I work very hard not to become depressed, but there are days where I lock myself in my room and let it all out bawling. If it wasn't for my kids, husband, and support from the doctors I would have already taken my life. I do not want to live like this, but I have no choice. My husband does not expect me to work nor does he expect me to keep the house clean on my unbearable days and I'm a neat freak. I love a clean house and I love to cook.

I don't know why or how my husband is so supportive. I never imagined I'd be so dang dependent on him. He truly makes my life living for. He does 100% of the shopping and he works 2 jobs. My husband did not sign up for this either.

If he was unhappy with me, didn't feel fulfilled in the marriage, and we couldn't work out an agreement I'd rather live alone. Life is too short to be unhappy. I could not live with someone constantly unhappy with me.

Good luck. I know there are two sides to this story. My parents do not understand or support what I go through and call me lazy amongst other things. It's awful when someone is belittling you constantly.
 

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now has her on what she is on now.
The soup she currently is on is :
Trazodone 150
Chlordiazepoxide 25
Perphen-Amtrip 2MG-25
Advil PM
She has also recently started taking Wellabutrin (Her Moms) to give her more energy etc, but the top three are what she has been on for the longest.
Before I write anything, I beg (on my hands and knees) you to discourage her from taking taking her mother's medication without some kind of professional consultation. Mostly because mixing drugs can be a dangerous proposition. You don't even need to talk to her psychiatrist-- just go to your local CVS/ Rite-Aid/ Walgreen/ etc. and talk to the pharmacist.

Sorry about that. Now, in regards to your post, that is an... interesting list, and probably would make more sense with more information. I don't mean to pry, but I do have a few questions.

It sounds like her mother has run the gamut of anti-depressants-- have any of them done anything, even something small, for her? In regards to the trazodone-- how long has she been taking it? Has she only ever been at 150 mg? And lastly... does she remember to take her meds every day?

Per your description of her, I'm a little perplexed as to why she's on a benzodiazepine, given her history of abusing painkillers, and why it's dosed for severe anxiety. Does your wife have panic attacks? Has she ever explained why her doctor chose this particular barrage? I'm having trouble figuring out why the doctor is using two separate, daily drugs for depression and anxiety when there are arguably better options.

I'm sorry for all the questions, but it does sound like your wife is suffering from something beyond her control, and in that circumstance, medication can be really helpful. But, for some reason, it's not working. What's the point in taking a drug if it's not doing anything for you?

The best advice I can give you is to attend one of her sessions with her psychiatrist... if she's been on this medication list for more than 3 months without improvement, well, one of them probably isn't doing something right.
 

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Is she still on the painkillers? Has she gotten on Suboxone? I have went through opiate addiction and am now coming off Suboxone, I am not lazy but opiates put your mind in a "numb" almost like you are on auto pilot. Not an excuse but may be addiction related, I have way too much experience in this area that I would like to admit but may be able to help you.
 
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