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Discussion Starter #1
My husband and I have a 20month old. and we have been fighting consistently for a while now. We decided to go see a therapist that way if our relationship did end we would have tried everything we could. Well we went to about 3 sessions but had to stop going to cut costs. In one of the sessions we discussed house work and how my husband does absolutely nothing and its really taking a toll on me! I am a stay at home mom and cleaning up after my son is time consuming in itself, then add on there a messy husband. It is so draining. So we discussed what I need help with and My husband said he hated that I would tell him what to do, because even in the nicest tone it sounds like nagging. I could understand where he was coming from. Then I told him that when he helps me clean its not just doing chores, its telling me he values me, appreciates me and loves me. so the therapist recommends that we right our chores down each day AND the time to get them done. That way I didn't have to bother my husband about WHEN to do them and he knew exactly what to do and when to do it. We live in an apartment so there is no 'outside work' to do. All he has on his list is to take out the garbage, vacuum and clean the toilet.
Well the cleaning list has been up for about a month and it KILLED me inside that I couldn't remind him so I literally had to keep an extra diary and write out everyday he didn't do is chores and how built up pissed I was getting! FINALLY I just had to say something so as we were laying in bed I nicely told him "this is really hard for me to keep quite but you not doing your chores is really stressing me out" he apologized and said he would do them the next day...Well my husband does this thing that when I get mad he FINALLY starts to do something. and even then its just for that day then weeks of absolutely nothing until I blow up and then well....the cycle is all over again.
I literally hate that I blow up but he leaves me no choice, I've LITERALLY tried everything else, and the only way I truly get his attention is when I freak out.
Also I should add when I made the chore list I showed him first and I asked him if that was okay with his work schedule, to make sure he wasn't overwhelmed and that the list was actually doable, he took a look and said it looked great and I even should add he said "that's a lot less then what I was expecting you to give me"

NOW this is where we are. Now I told him I am sick of him waiting for me to explode before he doesn't anything, so I boycotted doing house work. I ONLY clean up and wash what me and my son use. So with that said. there are dishes all over the kitchen counter..and everytime my husband wants a drink or to use ANYTHING he has to clean it....this doesn't seem to bother him but everytime I even walk into the kitchen I get pissed off that this doesn't bother him at all.

I am seriously in desperate need. I need a new idea or else I am going to explode and this relationship is going to be over.
 

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No help here, just my sympathy. My husband is the same way. It's my own fault though, he was like this when I met him. His apartment was a MESS, truly disgusting; he never did dishes or laundry, nothing. It should have been a huge red flag.

I'll be checking back to see if you get any helpful advice!
 

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My husband and I have been together since High school, We moved out with each other as soon as we were 18 so I never got to see how he would do with his own place. His parents are hoarders, If you have ever seen the show, its truly disgusting. And Obviously growing up like that I knew he would have cleaning issues. But I would think that it would be embarrassing to invite people over with such a messy home but nope...He does anyways.

Thank you I hope I get advice soon because I can't do this alone anymore and that's all I feel is alone.
 

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I just have to tell you that my husband does not like doing housework either. It's really not his thing at all. It never has been. That's okay with me. It must be a man thing?

I'm also disabled and have a neck injury. I broke my neck 4 years ago and I am limited in my physical activity, this has really made things a lot more difficult. I do not get help cleaning, but I take many breaks in between. I can only hold up my head for about 2 hours before I need to rest.

I have 3 children, which 2 are fairly young, but during the school year I do not expect them to help out with chores on school days. They are exhausted and always have a ton of homework. Granted they are not toddlers anymore, but they were at one time. My two youngest are 21 months apart. Lucky for me they are the best of friends.

On top of this I have my hobbies, I am really passionate about cooking, growing/sprouting herbs/grains and I own an ever growing flock of chickens. I cook nearly everything from scratch or at least try to. I just hatched 15 rare show chicks and kept 5. I'm going to breed and sell chicks this spring. On top of the housework I have animals to take care of too. I have 15 chickens, 2 dogs, 4 cats and a baby bunny. Somehow, I can get everything done most days.(when I don't have unbearable neck pain or an ongoing kidney infection):/. When I'm feeling well I manage to exercise on my bike a few minutes a day.

My husband works 3 jobs, his choice though. However, he does 100% of the shopping since I'm physically disabled and I need a wheelchair to walk long distances. My husband works very hard for us. I would never expect him to help out inside the house. Before I broke my neck I was doing all the outside work as well as the inside work managing 3 girls.:). I loved to mow the lawn and be outside. That's all changed since my injury.

It pretty much takes me from 5:30am to whenever I go to bed to get the housework done. I am pretty picky and I like the house clean. One thing my kids are expected to do is pick up after themselves. I don't expect my husband to, but he likes things clean as well. On top of this I iron all of my husbands work clothes. He does not have the time to do this.

If something doesn't get done, I'll just leave it for the next day. I pretty much have a schedule since I've been a SAHM for 11 years now. Even if I wasn't disabled, I most likely would not go back to work. I really don't know.

My husband is very good at meeting my needs. Cleaning house is not one of them. I need him to spend about an hour a night/day of his undivided attention. I think he needs this too, because its something he makes sure that gets done. We either lay or sit with each other holding hands/each other and we'll talk or watch tv. There are a couple other needs I need met, which he has no problems doing.

However, one thing my husband has been really good with is, spending time with the children. He's always helped out since the day they were born. My husband is a true family man. Helping out with the children has really helped me during those toddler years. I'd usually go out for a 6 mile run to get my break.

I truly appreciate everything my husband does for us. Being the provider and wanting me to stay home with the kids has its sacrifices and it's truly worth every moment. I don't mind doing the housework though. Sometimes it does seem overwhelming. Especially after a weekend and we had a houseful of kids over, which happens often. They tend to sometimes tear this house up upside down and it looks like a tornado went through.

I try and put myself in my husbands shoes. I'm sure it's not easy pulling off 2 part time jobs with his full time job, which he recently was promoted. Since his promotion, his work duties at minimum quadrupled and his stress levels are much higher. I really try my best to make him feel happy when he's at home.

I'm sure this isn't helping your situation, but lets just say that life is not easy. It throws us lemons and we need to make lemon aid from those lemons. I try my best not to take anything for granted. I'm truly blessed in many ways, especially being married to my husband. I look forward to meeting my goals and I'm always trying to improve myself.

Good luck and I do hope you can find a way to get help with what you need done. The little ones grow so quickly.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
My husband works 3 jobs, his choice though. However, he does 100% of the shopping since I'm physically disabled and I need a wheelchair to walk long distances. My husband works very hard for us. I would never expect him to help out inside the house. Before I broke my neck I was doing all the outside work as well as the inside work managing 3 girls.:). I loved to mow the lawn and be outside. That's all changed since my injury.
My husband works 1 job. he only has one day off but on 2 of his work days he doesn't work a whole 8 hours and all the other days he doesn't go in until 11am. When we haven't been able to make enough money I've been the one having to work my ass off (I did a 24 hr in home day care while being a stay at home mom and work in a nursery) while he just works a mediocre job with terrible pay and no insurance. and like I said there is no outside work, we live in an apt. All I want and need him to do is vacuum (every other day TOPS) clean the toilet maybe once a week and take out the trash every other day.


It pretty much takes me from 5:30am to whenever I go to bed to get the housework done. I am pretty picky and I like the house clean. One thing my kids are expected to do is pick up after themselves. I don't expect my husband to, but he likes things clean as well. On top of this I iron all of my husbands work clothes. He does not have the time to do this.
This isn't a problem of me not being able to handle the home. I also leave stuff for the next day if I can't do it that day, and I take plenty of breaks to teach my son and play with him. My son is 20 months he doesn't understand the entire concept of cleaning up after himself but if I ask him to throw something away he can do that. My husband has plenty of time.

My husband is very good at meeting my needs. Cleaning house is not one of them. I need him to spend about an hour a night/day of his undivided attention. I think he needs this too, because its something he makes sure that gets done. We either lay or sit with each other holding hands/each other and we'll talk or watch tv. There are a couple other needs I need met, which he has no problems doing.
My needs are my husband helping me out. When he doesn't pick up or clean up after himself I see it as him not appreciating me and disrespecting me and it makes me feel like he could care less about me. He knows that when he is messy it makes me feel this way yet he continues doing it.
 

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My husband is the same way. It DRIVES ME CRAZY. I'm so nice to him about him helping out, never boss him around or treat him like a child or anything, and he still puts things off either until I blow up at him or just do them myself. It drives me absolutely crazy. I know he doesn't want to live like a complete slob, I just think he's gotten used to someone picking up after him. I'm working on breaking that habit..

Who wants to live with a man slob?

When you learn the secret, please share with me.
 

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His parents are hoarders, If you have ever seen the show, its truly disgusting. And Obviously growing up like that I knew he would have cleaning issues.
I have seen this show. It's... wow. It's bad. Do you think that if it wasn't for you, your husband could end up being a hoarder too? Does he do things like just leave the trash sitting there, or empty milk cartons on the counter? I'm sure being raised in a house like that is a lot to overcome. He probably thinks your house is so clean that there's nothing for him to do!

Will it help if I tell you a funny story? When my second daughter was about 3 weeks old, I asked DH to get the clean laundry out of the dryer and just dump it on the bed. A few hours later I got upstairs, and what's on my bed? The DIRTY laundry that I had waiting in the washer (not enough for a load yet, so it was just chilling out there).

It's not like we even have a front-loader, where you could MAYBE understand him being confused.

No, he'd just never touched the laundry machines. Note too that I had two c-sections, so this means I was hauling all the laundry up and down stairs (washers are in the basement, bedrooms are second floor) by myself both times.

At least that time it was GOOD that he hadn't folded it or put it away!
 

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The written or visual schedule is great... good idea by the therapist. However, there needs to be some routine built into that visual schedule so that it eventually can be removed. So he is probably a creature of habit (as we all are) and that means you can put us a schedule in a chronological format in a place he has no choice but to see it.

For instance, he comes in the door, puts down his things and heads to the refrigerator. Taped to the inside (not the outside) in the way of whatever snack he will reach for is something to this affect:

1. Eat snack (10 min)
2. Vacuum living room floor (15 minute)
3. chore (10 min)
4. Chore (10 min)
5. Take a break to lay down and watch TV
6. Dinner
7. Wash dishes after dinner

Obviously you fashion it to fit your needs. But put everything down on paper... At some point, he will just find it as part of his routine. Normally things become routine if done consistently for 21 straight days. You have nothing to lose, continue to discuss this schedule with him and revise as needed till he understands the routine. Sex shouldn't be a routine (spontaneous and fun), but if everything else is that it can be more spontaneous and more time for it.

I normally suggest that if you can handle it to get rid of unnecessary distractions, cancel the cable TV... trust he won't miss it after a while. We haven't had cable TV since my oldest was born (13 years)... we cancelled it for that very reason.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I have seen this show. It's... wow. It's bad. Do you think that if it wasn't for you, your husband could end up being a hoarder too? Does he do things like just leave the trash sitting there, or empty milk cartons on the counter? I'm sure being raised in a house like that is a lot to overcome. He probably thinks your house is so clean that there's nothing for him to do!!
Well with Hoarders it is usually more psychological then physical. They don't get a jot out of physically seeing it there they mostly get the joy on the 'games' it plays with their heads. With my Husband, which we have talked deep down about this issue consistently, he admitted that when he kept stuff it was garbage. An empty pepsi bottle or oreo packaging. Just because his mom bought it for him. He felt like he had to keep it, even though he enjoyed it and it was gone. he felt that if he threw away the wrapper that it would communicate to his mom that he didn't appreciate it. We have been together for 6 years now. He not only see's how I like to keep a house but also see's my families homes. and he knows the difference and even prefers a clean home. He knows when things are dirty and he knows when to clean them. If it was early in the relationship I would have never expected him to do this. but it has been many years now.
 

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The written or visual schedule is great... good idea by the therapist. However, there needs to be some routine built into that visual schedule so that it eventually can be removed. So he is probably a creature of habit (as we all are) and that means you can put us a schedule in a chronological format in a place he has no choice but to see it..
That is a really good idea I never thought about that, even though it could be time consuming and I kind of see him as a child me having to do this for him, but it becoming a habit definitely makes sense.

I normally suggest that if you can handle it to get rid of unnecessary distractions, cancel the cable TV... trust he won't miss it after a while. We haven't had cable TV since my oldest was born (13 years)... we cancelled it for that very reason.
and we don't have cable, we also got rid of our smart phones because of the distractions. we simply have internet at home which isn't too distracting.

Thank you a lot drerio for your advice! It is really helpful!
 

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Well I ditched all the cleaning schedules, that had the duties and the day and even the time of which it needed to be completed and completely threw it all out. and now-my husband and I do dishes together. This helps ALOT. I clean them and he rinses and dries them. This helps so much and makes cleaning dishes go SO MUCH FASTER. and as for the garbage, I put it by the door. he takes it out. it is going pretty good. If I don't tell him he won't do it. so I tell him.
 

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If I don't tell him he won't do it. so I tell him.
This is something you shouldn't have to do either though. He wasn't taught or trained up in the ways of helping out, this is learned behavior from his folks. I'm sure he was also taught if he lets something go long enough he knows someone else will do it, thats where feeling taking for granted comes in. Its childlike on his part, and mother like on yours, its learned behavior, the good thing is, it can be unlearned with lots of time and patients.
 
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This is something you shouldn't have to do either though. He wasn't taught or trained up in the ways of helping out, this is learned behavior from his folks. I'm sure he was also taught if he lets something go long enough he knows someone else will do it, thats where feeling taking for granted comes in. Its childlike on his part, and mother like on yours, its learned behavior, the good thing is, it can be unlearned with lots of time and patients.
Well if I don't tell him he won't do it, and I don't do it so it just sits there, I've already gone through the whole "going on strike" and that just backfired. what we are doing now works perfectly for us so I don't think that is a problem. If the trash needs taking out-instead of seeing it build up and up and getting mad that he hasn't taken it out, once it gets full I just say "Take out the trash" and he does. This way the problem is solved and there are no issues. He actually was not trained that if he lets it go long enough it will be taken care of. Like said above his family was a bunch of 'Hoarders' so no body took care of anything, which is why the mess doesn't bother him as much as it does me.
 

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Well if I don't tell him he won't do it, and I don't do it so it just sits there, /QUOTE]

There is nothing wrong with telling him, if it gets the job done. However, I don't think its good to continue on like this for the rest of your life. By you always telling him what needs to be done he really learns nothing. He has taken on the child role and you the mother role. Not because you're telling him what needs to be done, but because its always been like that from day one with him.

Unless he is disabled mentally or physically, you shouldn't have to tell him for the rest of his life what he should be doing, especially if he sees it right in front of his own face. Example, if I see the trash can is over flowing, my brain signals me it might be a good idea to take the trash out, not wait until someone tells me or asks me to do so.
 
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Thats interesting i mean, there's no way a husband never do housework at all that is just too lazy. I actually do like 50% of all house work (include the small garden) and 60% of all cooking (which my W was surprised that i cook since Chinese men don't cook errr.....)

And yeah for all lazy husbands, the chances to get laid with your lovely wife is to appreciate her by helping her doing housework. More housework = more sex (it works for me, after i finish housework she just give me a bj to relieve my "stress" down-under)
 

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Well if I don't tell him he won't do it, and I don't do it so it just sits there, I've already gone through the whole "going on strike" and that just backfired. what we are doing now works perfectly for us so I don't think that is a problem. If the trash needs taking out-instead of seeing it build up and up and getting mad that he hasn't taken it out, once it gets full I just say "Take out the trash" and he does. This way the problem is solved and there are no issues. He actually was not trained that if he lets it go long enough it will be taken care of. Like said above his family was a bunch of 'Hoarders' so no body took care of anything, which is why the mess doesn't bother him as much as it does me.
I think its fine for awhile, but at some point down the road you will become tired of having to tell him too.
 

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The written schedule is great, but there needs to be accountability as well. If you are right and he's just lazy, seeing a schedule is not going to do it. He will find a way to ignore the chores / list or rationalize his failure to do them.
 
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