Talk About Marriage banner
121 - 140 of 189 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
520 Posts
Forget about an alienation of affection claim. Most states have done away with them and they are rarely successful in the few states which allow them. Your wife was inclined to cheat. No one had to " alienate"her affections.
Good job on moving forward. People that reconcile, (and I use that term loosely), regret it for the most part.
Jettisoning the trash and moving on is the best thing you can do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
520 Posts
First I feel like I'm partly to blame, I could have been a better husband, and though I've never cheated or betrayed the badge I am in no way shape or form a Saint. I'm gonna be okay, more worried about my 2 adult daughters. I'm gonna get through this. I have someone I can talk with, vent to.
Very common reaction for the betrayed. And, the cheater is pretty invested in alleging this, as well.
Betrayed folks are depleted and hurt, extremely vulnerable to inappropriately accepting responsibility.
Look at it this way: your wife, by definition, lacks integrity, empathy, communskills, problem solving skills, and has a host of other deficiencies ( she is, after all, a serial cheater with random men).
Do you think maybe, just maybe, a person with character defects such as this may have been a less than ideal partner for a very long time.
Often, we see men claiming that, in retrospect, it is possible they drove their wife to cheat. In their panic and pain, depleted as they are, they are not objective.
In fact, I have seen it suggested that their thinking like this may provide them with some sense of control, as they think they can change themselves thus preventing their flawed spouse from future cheatin( I know this is inapplicable in your case).
I hope you realize that axspouse is never perfect, especially a cheater. Yet, you did not cheat,mright.
In your case, with a serial cheating wife who was with multiple men, I hope it is apparent to you that she is so messed up, so many standard deviations from healthy, that she was bound to cheat regardless of your performance as a spouse.
And, as a cop you probably know this, at this point you probably know the tip of the iceberg. She has been doing this for a good long time, I would bet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
630 Posts
With all of the evidence that you have ...The ultimate betrayal...Not just your wife but your friend....
I like your plan...Scorched Earth...

Sometimes street justice needs to happen.

No violence , make sure you have a friend there to watch your back. I'm sure things will go 0 to 100 very quickly .

Have a good exit plan ahead of time.

Good luck , Jimi
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
109 Posts
Im all for scorched earth, as long as you dont scorch yourself in the process.

I still vote for having her served at work, ghosting her if at all possible, and going for an AoA lawsuit against the ahole POS if your state has those laws. Make his life a living hell.

AoA penalties can be quite punishing depending on the state and include compensatory damages to compensate for loss of consortium, mental anguish, humiliation, and possibly punitive damages, if the conduct of the defendant third-party was "especially condemnable". Pretty sure that fits here.

Anyway, however you do it, hope you put the big hurt on them....legally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,572 Posts
First I feel like I'm partly to blame, I could have been a better husband, and though I've never cheated or betrayed the badge I am in no way shape or form a Saint. I'm gonna be okay, more worried about my 2 adult daughters. I'm gonna get through this. I have someone I can talk with, vent to.
@RB III Get this 'blaming yourself' crap out of your head right now.

Nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, but you work together to make it better.

When she decided to go outside the marriage that it is 100% on her.
She should have divorced you if it was that bad. But it wasn't.

It took me YEARS to learn this lesson and my life was jacked up the whole time until I did.
Don't be me. This is on her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,466 Posts
@RB III Get this 'blaming yourself' crap out of your head right now.

Nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, but you work together to make it better.

When she decided to go outside the marriage that it is 100% on her.
She should have divorced you if it was that bad. But it wasn't.

It took me YEARS to learn this lesson and my life was jacked up the whole time until I did.
Don't be me. This is on her.
Isn’t it interesting that a person gets cheated on and some of the first things we think are, “I blame myself for this.”? It’s absurd. Add that to a cheater who is more than happy to assign blame to the person they cheated on and you have a nice **** show.

There is absolutely some kind of a screwed up psychological dynamic that happens with cheaters and betrayed people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
630 Posts
Isn’t it interesting that a person gets cheated on and some of the first things we think are, “I blame myself for this.”? It’s absurd. Add that to a cheater who is more than happy to assign blame to the person they cheated on and you have a nice **** show.

There is absolutely some kind of a screwed up psychological dynamic that happens with cheaters and betrayed people.
We should really examine why this happens.
Is it because the BS just feels like they must have had something to do with the spouses betrayal ? If I did things differently this wouldn't have happened ?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,486 Posts
We should really examine why this happens.
Is it because the BS just feels like they must have had something to do with the spouses betrayal ? If I did things differently this wouldn't have happened ?
I think it always comes back to wanting to know why. The problem is the answer to that is typically very unsatisfying. Often it is simply because they could, the opportunity existed and they exploited it. The betrayed feels gullible that they trusted their SO so unconditionally and it is natural to think about how you could have missed all the signs.

I think their love makes them blame themselves too. When you love someone so completely and they do something so hurtful it seems logical to wonder what you could have done to hurt them to the point that they would be able to hurt you so badly. And their is the difference between the cheater and the faithful. The faithful partner has their partner's feelings at the top of their priority list, probably above their own. The cheater is selfish and put themselves above all else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,466 Posts
I think it always comes back to wanting to know why. The problem is the answer to that is typically very unsatisfying. Often it is simply because they could, the opportunity existed and they exploited it. The betrayed feels gullible that they trusted their SO so unconditionally and it is natural to think about how you could have missed all the signs.

I think their love makes them blame themselves too. When you love someone so completely and they do something so hurtful it seems logical to wonder what you could have done to hurt them to the point that they would be able to hurt you so badly. And their is the difference between the cheater and the faithful. The faithful partner has their partner's feelings at the top of their priority list, probably above their own. The cheater is selfish and put themselves above all else.
Right!!! And not only that, the dynamic that then plays out with the psychological processes going on in the cheater’s mind… it then mingles together to create all these false reconciliations and rug sweeping and hysterical bonding situations.

I really think if psychologists focused more on these dysfunctional dynamics they could help a lot more people. ACTUALLY help them, not perpetuate more agonizing pain like they are apt to do now. I’ve thought many times about being a therapist who specializes in infidelity, but I’ve no desire to collect more post graduate education. I do think it’s a need though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
520 Posts
We should really examine why this happens.
Is it because the BS just feels like they must have had something to do with the spouses betrayal ? If I did things differently this wouldn't have happened ?
I think it is a combo platter. Many of the reasons have been mentioned. The BS is depleted, panic stricken, grief stricken etc and very vulnerable to accepting blame.
The cheater is highly invested in blaming, avoiding responsibility. He or she has a story to sell to outsiders and to him/ herself to avoid criticism and to deal with cognitive dissonance.
What helped me( and I know I sound like a broken record), was being directed to information about the Cluster B personality disorders. My wife fit to a T.
Then many of her behaviors ( not just the cheating), while not making sense to a normal person, showed a pattern. If I had to sum it up, her behaviors were perfectly logical and consistent if I realized her basic operating premise was that she was better than other folks( the peasantry) and entitled to things they were not. The rules that applied to the lesser beings were inapplicable to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
I think it always comes back to wanting to know why. The problem is the answer to that is typically very unsatisfying. Often it is simply because they could, the opportunity existed and they exploited it. The betrayed feels gullible that they trusted their SO so unconditionally and it is natural to think about how you could have missed all the signs.

I think their love makes them blame themselves too. When you love someone so completely and they do something so hurtful it seems logical to wonder what you could have done to hurt them to the point that they would be able to hurt you so badly. And their is the difference between the cheater and the faithful. The faithful partner has their partner's feelings at the top of their priority list, probably above their own. The cheater is selfish and put themselves above all else.
I love this comment/explanation. I wanted to vote it as helpful because it is. But I just love it so much I went with love. If I could have given it 2 likes, I would have gone with Love, then helpful. You hit my feelings right on the money. Thank you for stating so eloquently what I never could. I don't blame myself for my husband's betrayal, but I do take responsibility for my part of the problems in the marriage. Thing is, I was in that same marriage, unfulfilled, unhappy, unmet needs, whatever he was feeling too, yet I remained faithful. I guess it can be done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,572 Posts
Right!!! And not only that, the dynamic that then plays out with the psychological processes going on in the cheater’s mind… it then mingles together to create all these false reconciliations and rug sweeping and hysterical bonding situations.

I really think if psychologists focused more on these dysfunctional dynamics they could help a lot more people. ACTUALLY help them, not perpetuate more agonizing pain like they are apt to do now. I’ve thought many times about being a therapist who specializes in infidelity, but I’ve no desire to collect more post graduate education. I do think it’s a need though.
I think it's much simpler what goes on in the cheaters mind. "Avoid consequences at all cost." and it doesn't go much deeper than that. If the betrayed minimizes, rugsweeps, and takes some of the blame, all the better.

@BigDaddyNY is 100% right. "Why why why." It was the first time I read the bible because someone told me all the answers are there. "I somehow failed to be what she needed. And she is perfect so it must be me." I even blamed OM(s) for taking advantage of my innocent wife. 🤮
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
109 Posts
I think it always comes back to wanting to know why. The problem is the answer to that is typically very unsatisfying. Often it is simply because they could, the opportunity existed and they exploited it. The betrayed feels gullible that they trusted their SO so unconditionally and it is natural to think about how you could have missed all the signs.

I think their love makes them blame themselves too. When you love someone so completely and they do something so hurtful it seems logical to wonder what you could have done to hurt them to the point that they would be able to hurt you so badly. And their is the difference between the cheater and the faithful. The faithful partner has their partner's feelings at the top of their priority list, probably above their own. The cheater is selfish and put themselves above all else.
Very, very well put.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,466 Posts
I think it's much simpler what goes on in the cheaters mind. "Avoid consequences at all cost." and it doesn't go much deeper than that. If the betrayed minimizes, rugsweeps, and takes some of the blame, all the better.

@BigDaddyNY is 100% right. "Why why why." It was the first time I read the bible because someone told me all the answers are there. "I somehow failed to be what she needed. And she is perfect so it must be me." I even blamed OM(s) for taking advantage of my innocent wife. 🤮
The thing that worries me with the cheater themselves is the ability to manipulate and control through these psychological offensive tactics, which many of them don’t even have a name for. It’s just natural to do it for them. I feel that stuff needs to be neutralized so that the betrayed can come to a place of peaceful decision making. This is not what happens in typical marriage counseling unless you have a black sheep of counselors that really understands this issue.
 
121 - 140 of 189 Posts
Top