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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, I must admit I'm not feeling very comfortable about this process but figured it's worth a shot. So ladies, please tell me what I can do to be a better husband. Been together almost 10 years, have 2 kids, 2&5. I work from home, my wife is a physician and has a stressful job, although she doesn't work more than 50 hours a week. I have much more free time than she does as I can get my work done in 20-30 hours a week, just being honest. This is her biggest complaint, that the "division of labor" is not fairly divided. Now having said that, I do 95% of the laundry, cooking, washing dishes, take the kids to school each day, typically pick them up too. We do have a cleaning lady and a lawn service, snow removal. This was a sticking point for her as she felt I had the time to be doing some of these chores so now I am doing the snow plowing and will most likely cancel the lawn service. Now, I am far from an angel, at times I talk to her like I'm her boss but truly try and change my behavior. She is never happy! Always something wrong. Too tired, stressed out, overworked etc. To make matters worse she is also on depression medication. If I ask her how she is doing I get the "canned" response. "I'm doing fine babe".

All I ask for is an "active" sex life. Typical guy right. So to me I feel twice a week is a good compromise, and yes, I have finally agreed to put it on the calendar, URGH! She tells me once a week is more than adequate. Excuse me, did you listen to me? I'm not okay with this!

We are going to start counseling and I just fear that this will go nowhere. We are both on marriage #2 and I really do want to make this work. She is now spending more time with her girlfriends, invites me out too but I just see it slowly slipping.

I've read some of her text messages to girlfriends and am not happy with some of the content. No cheating but just an overall negative opinion of me. She actually used the word "useless" then went on to say that was just out of frustration (this was in text to a friend).

Any advice is appreciated.
 

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It sounds to me like she only equates work with hours that are put in "on the job", I think many stay at home/work at home moms get the same from their spouse. Maybe you should try backing off of some of the household chores you always do, and see how long it takes for her to either pitch in, or appreciate what you do. I think its insane that you cancelled the plow and lawn services! Why shouldnt you be able to have those done if you can afford it? You put in just as much time as she does, and I am sure she isnt out there clearing snow or mowing grass.
 

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Venting to my girlfriends has been very healthy for my marriage. Puts things in perspective to talk about them and hear that others have similar struggles.

I don't think you should fear counseling or her used of antidepressants (ad) either. Both can be helpful (although she might want to research and avoid taking an ad that depresses libido)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the response, will be curious to hear from others as well. I of course agree with you but try to always see her side and grow. Before the recession we both made approximately the same amount of money, now she makes twice as much as me although I am on pace to match her again in a couple years. She always tells me that she doesn't care what I earn just as long as I contribute. I do have to wonder however if this is really the case. When we first met I had a cleaning lady, lawn service etc. she never said a word. I mentioned this to her and she said, hmmm, something to bring up in counseling. Counseling that she mentions from time to time, but still has yet to schedule. Again, told one of her friends that I should schedule it? What, you want me to go and I should schedule it? You are the doctor, reach out and find a good therapist no?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
regarding the depression medication. She prescribes for herself so it will never show up on medical records, probably smart as she doesn't want it to potentially ever hurt her career. This is not her specialty however and I feel she should see a doc for recommended dosage etc. Again, doesn't listen to me. I'm just a sales guy, what do I know?
 

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regarding the depression medication. She prescribes for herself so it will never show up on medical records, probably smart as she doesn't want it to potentially ever hurt her career. This is not her specialty however and I feel she should see a doc for recommended dosage etc. Again, doesn't listen to me. I'm just a sales guy, what do I know?
meh, they aren't that complicated. I see a nurse practitioner and she prescribes them. But some of them can reduce libido and she should look up that side effect. Cymbalta increases libido which could be a nice side effect for your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I've got to be honest. She could care less about having sex. I'm sure the last thing she is thinking about right now is libido. Crazy thing is we used to have sex ALL the time, you name it. I understand that it drops off over time, I get that. But why do women "pretend" to love sex in the initial stages and then back off over time. I have never understood this? I always ask her, what can I do for you so you have more enjoyment. You think she ever asks me this?
 

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I've got to be honest. She could care less about having sex. I'm sure the last thing she is thinking about right now is libido. Crazy thing is we used to have sex ALL the time, you name it. I understand that it drops off over time, I get that. But why do women "pretend" to love sex in the initial stages and then back off over time. I have never understood this? I always ask her, what can I do for you so you have more enjoyment. You think she ever asks me this?
I've changed my post.

I re-read your OP and it sounds like your wife may be a bit self-absorbed. And why are you doing 95% of the household chores etc? That's not right.

Also, I'd like to add that disrespecting you to anyone is NOT okay. Maybe it's because she's the higher earner, but even so, it's dead wrong.

I wonder if she's looking for an out?
 

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She actually used the word "useless" then went on to say that was just out of frustration (this was in text to a friend).
Any advice is appreciated.
That is really, really bad. In no relationship where there is even a shred of respect does one person call the other one "useless."

You can schedule the counseling if you like but I don't think any amount of counseling is going to increase her respect for you. Her telling you to do more chores and you accepting that didn't make the situation any better.

You need to take control of your own life again. Decide what you are interested in doing and what constitutes a reasonable contribution to household chores, and then do exactly that. You don't need her permission to live your life.
 

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But why do women "pretend" to love sex in the initial stages and then back off over time. I have never understood this? I always ask her, what can I do for you so you have more enjoyment. You think she ever asks me this?
We are not "pretending". We love sex in the beginning because we feel loved.

You can court her like you did when you were dating instead of ever bossing her around, and you can make the appt with the mc. That will say to her "I love you and I care about our marriage"
 
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