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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm going to try and condense my situation as best as possible to avoid a long read.

I have a GF of 3 yrs, and we moved in with each other last year. She has a 3 yr old daughter, and I LOVE that girl. I treat her, think of her, and provide for her as if she were mine. (Her BioDad is in jail). Things were great, we had fun, we laffed, and had somewhat regular sex.(once week?) There is A LOT of abusive history on her end, but i will stick to the point. Ive been the nice guy the entire time. Catering to her every need. Anything she wanted, or I felt she wanted, I'd do. The word "No" wasn't in my vocabulary.I work HARD, and put in many hours so we can be taken care of, and she knows that I have children, a new home, and a future in mind with her. I spent money, time, always putting her and her daughter first. I always had a mentality of treating her how she should be treated, especially because of how her Ex-husband treated her, which was the opposite.

I Over-did it, probably trying to make up for the years she was treated like crap. Over time, I wasn't receiving anything back, or very little. No reciprocation. she is a HORRIBLE communicator, and rarely, if ever, would tell me what shes was feeling, good or bad. I, however am all about talking, snuggling, pillowtalk, catching up, and lending an ear. Being what I thought every woman generally wanted out of a man. I'm romantic, Im your best friend, Im your provider, Im a great lover, and did my best to show her, via her daughter, that I am husband and father material. She cooks, i do the dishes. She does laundry, I help fold. Everyone I know, family and friends have ALWAYS referred to me as a saint, as a keeper, and showed jealousy that THEIR man wasn't more like me... I soaked that all in. I consider myself an attractive man. Some low esteem because of some teeth issues, but I do get the attention of the ladies, but I have always ignored them. I respect my relationship with my girl, and I was following my guidelines of what a REAL man should be. Yeah, apparently I was wrong. Recently realizing I suffer from the "Nice Guy Syndrome" So for about a year now, Ive been acting and doing what I thought is how she wanted, but at the same time she would never express to me what her needs ARE.

About every 3 months, our silence and resentment would build into a blow-up, and then she would tell me what Im doing wrong. I was completely open to her yelling and emails. I hated that it always took a potential break-up for her to actually tell me, but Id tell her THANK YOU BABE for telling me, thats all you have to DO ! If you dont tell me what Im doing wrong, Ill keep doing it. A member here told me to tell her that my crystal ball is broken. So I have her body language, her actions, and her reactions to me to go on only. And hear I am being equally opposite by pleading for her to talk, and to listen to me as well. shes a runner. she compartmentalizes, and eventually runs to her moms house when shes not happy here. UGH.

I plead, and beg, and whine....I was mopey, telling her I need affection, I need sex, I need to give YOU sex, I need to express my love and keep connected with her. I LUST her body, loved to be passionate with her, make love, and give gifts at times. I Appreciated her as a mother, as a homemaker, and supported all of her goals and accomplishments. All she heard was the word NEED, and simply called me an emotional, needy, mopey man. that she didn't find that attractive at all, and she cant bring herself to have sex with such a man. She wanted a man with a backbone, to be confident, and be happy. She resented me, and for the life of me, after alllll i've done for her and her daughter, (Which I know is important to a single mom), I couldnve understand why she completely discounted the good Ive done, wouldnt take the steps to find out what the problem is with me, and treated me like IM the reason shes like this.

She told me I acted like the victim. I am the touchy-type. I love to give and receive hugs, kisses...putting arms around, slap on the booty-type behavior. She is NOT. But I cried out to her that I need this from her, at least more than what she was giving.
So after reading these forums for the last 5-6 days, Ive learned a lot about myself. Im realizing that I've put all of my reliance on HER to bring me happiness. which I think I did. I have no friends, hobbies, or passions. I rarely go out, or do anything on my own. Always wanted her included. Found out she is a lot more independent than I am.

So 4 days ago, I decided to do the "180". Im keeping busy. I decided to start doing Computer repair again. I actually spent money on some clothes for myself. To feel good. To show accomplishment in my life. I got my teeth fixed, so now I SMILE AGAIN!! :) Im learning to be louder, because I mumble a lot. Im showing that I dont care what people think, Im learning to say no to people, especially her, setting boundaries. (She even admitted..Yes, I might get mad. Im a spoiled princess-type. I will roll my eyes, and slam doors. But tell me NO. Ill get over it. Just stand your ground. I need put in my place sometimes. I need a leader.)

She apparently has noticed. last night, she randomly came up to me, and kissed me so passionately, for 10 seconds. We havent kissed like that in 2 years. They have always been pecks. An hour later, she left to sleep at her moms, and she squeezed my butt. WHOA. She's seeing SOMETHING in me ! Im getting what i want so far, and it's because Of how I feel about myself? I think I'm doing the right thing, FOR ME, and I hope in turn, she will start treating me how I like to be treated. Yes, communication still needs work, but I think she will enjoy my company now, will start showing her affection back to me, and hopefully will initiate sex with me soon! All I know is, Ive pulled back, Ive shown her that she isnt the only thing in my life, I wont be the one going in for the kiss everytime, and laid-off on the "I miss you" texts. Any feedback would help !:smthumbup:
 

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No one will read that wall of text. Sorry. Go in and edit and break it into paragraphs. It makes my eyes cross. Length is no biggie but paragraphs are as important as punctuation in telling the story.
 

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As much as I'd like to, I'm sorry, OP, but I just can't face deciphering that wall of unparagraphed text.
 

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paragraphs are good but I read it lol. Yes you were too needy and showed no backbone. It was probably very annoying to her. It would annoy me to watch. You are changing that and that's good. Keep up the good work. Get friends to hang out with and do stuff with them, work out, talk to her like you're the boss of yourself and dont need validation from her or anyone... and don't waver or apologize in an argument when you've done nothing wrong.

If your behaviour is not something you need to actually apologize for (be objective) then dont! Don't apologize just to keep the peace or make her happy in the short run. She wont respect you.
 

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I read the whole thing. Sounds like you're doing a great job and are on the right track!

it's really easy to TELL someone not to be so needy. But what took you a while to figure out was that your neediness screamed "I need you to validate me, 20 million times a day." Now that you are doing things for yourself, things that make you happy you appear more confident and less needy. Keep it up!

When she admits to you that she's a bit of a princess, she's essentially telling you she WANTS you to call her out on her behavior. She wants you to put your foot down and tell her no or yes, whichever the case may be.

Stop asking her what she's feeling. It comes off as pleading. If she broods and slams things around, tell her she's got 15 minutes to collect herself and tell you about it or she can take her mood somewhere else!

Never ever say, "Baby tell me what I'm doing wrong?"unless you're talking about loading the dishwasher! If she can't come out and say it like an adult, it's time she grows up. Instead say, Put your big girl panties on and say what you have to say. And like Happy Hubby mentioned, never ever apologize unless you FEEL you have done something completely insensitive and wrong. Otherwise just say. Okay, next time I won't do that.

I hope things continue to look up for you!

It's sounds like Mr. Nice Guy is getting his groove back;)
 
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OMG you people take joy in being mean.
 

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Sounds like you're heading in the right direction! :) Does your girlfriend see a counselor or therapist for all that she experienced with her ex? That can help her learn how to communicate better and possibly process any unresolved business from her last relationship. I was like her, I was once in an abusive relationship and after it was over I had to completely re-learn how to communicate and ask for things. For so long I had been conditioned to not talk, not ask and not start "trouble".
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istartedreadingitbuteverythingrantogethersoistoppedmaybeifyoucouldsomehowdoitinabout180pageswecanreaditbetter.

ok?
 

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You are doing good.You can be a nice guy,but don't always say yes to her.Stop catering to her,shes a big girl.When i'm fixing things or car or electronic modding,I sure as heck don't want the wife anywhere around

.Even though, I treat my wife really good,there's
be times i've told her if shes not happy there's the door.
She has yet to leave.
 

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You're going the right direction. Even the most needy wannabe princess doesn't really want an attendant, they still want a man. Show it by not caving to her every whim and maintaining your sense of "self".

She is a part of your life. She is not your life. You must be your own person.
 

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Sorry buddy,

You're not doing anything right. First things first NEVER get with a woman who's man is in jail and that has a child by him. These jailbirds come back out and claim their women like a wild pitbull. The women fall back in love with them. Nice guys should get with Nice girls. I can pretty much guarantee this won't end well. The children usually turn out like their father, and when they get older you will most certainly get the "You're not my father".

A girl that goes from Jailbird to nice guy, usually is looking for a guy to take care of her kids. Please Find a nice wholesome girl. You'll thank me in 10 years.
 

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You sound a really great guy, you don't have anger issues, you don't criticize and you have great teeth!

I suggest you look around and date around before you commit to marriage or a longer relationship with this girl.

Will this "princess" be there when you lose those beautiful teeth in a few decades?
 
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That looks like a million words in that post....sorry, but very hard to read thru it. I think I need more time....:scratchhead:
 

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Sorry buddy,

You're not doing anything right. First things first NEVER get with a woman who's man is in jail and that has a child by him. These jailbirds come back out and claim their women like a wild pitbull. The women fall back in love with them. Nice guys should get with Nice girls. I can pretty much guarantee this won't end well. The children usually turn out like their father, and when they get older you will most certainly get the "You're not my father".

A girl that goes from Jailbird to nice guy, usually is looking for a guy to take care of her kids. Please Find a nice wholesome girl. You'll thank me in 10 years.
Ouch! But sadly true.

Thuggy, Your Mom did right by you. What does she think of your girl? Does she like her? Does she trust her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
paragraphs are good but I read it lol. Yes you were too needy and showed no backbone. It was probably very annoying to her. It would annoy me to watch. You are changing that and that's good. Keep up the good work. Get friends to hang out with and do stuff with them, work out, talk to her like you're the boss of yourself and dont need validation from her or anyone... and don't waver or apologize in an argument when you've done nothing wrong.

If your behaviour is not something you need to actually apologize for (be objective) then dont! Don't apologize just to keep the peace or make her happy in the short run. She wont respect you.
Im trying real hard for me, but at the same, not trying as hard for her. It feels good, and family and coworkers have noticed. Right, I also was the one for apologizing a lot. It sometimes comes out naturally, and I have to consciously watch how I talk.

I read the whole thing. Sounds like you're doing a great job and are on the right track!

it's really easy to TELL someone not to be so needy. But what took you a while to figure out was that your neediness screamed "I need you to validate me, 20 million times a day." Now that you are doing things for yourself, things that make you happy you appear more confident and less needy. Keep it up!

When she admits to you that she's a bit of a princess, she's essentially telling you she WANTS you to call her out on her behavior. She wants you to put your foot down and tell her no or yes, whichever the case may be.

Stop asking her what she's feeling. It comes off as pleading. If she broods and slams things around, tell her she's got 15 minutes to collect herself and tell you about it or she can take her mood somewhere else!

Never ever say, "Baby tell me what I'm doing wrong?"unless you're talking about loading the dishwasher! If she can't come out and say it like an adult, it's time she grows up. Instead say, Put your big girl panties on and say what you have to say. And like Happy Hubby mentioned, never ever apologize unless you FEEL you have done something completely insensitive and wrong. Otherwise just say. Okay, next time I won't do that.

I hope things continue to look up for you!

It's sounds like Mr. Nice Guy is getting his groove back;)
Well, I don't really see her but 2-3 times a week. So I figured from her absence, it she would be more compelled to show some affection during the time we DID have with each other. Yes, i WANT her to put her big girl panties on, and speak UP. Maybe not by flipping out, but maybe at night, when we are settling for bed, just address some things with me. We don't like to argue around her daughter, so let's do it alone. Get it off our chests. Discuss. Sacrifice. Understand. Compromise. Support. Hug. Then sleep.

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction! :) Does your girlfriend see a counselor or therapist for all that she experienced with her ex? That can help her learn how to communicate better and possibly process any unresolved business from her last relationship. I was like her, I was once in an abusive relationship and after it was over I had to completely re-learn how to communicate and ask for things. For so long I had been conditioned to not talk, not ask and not start "trouble".
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No. There is simply no time for that in her life , right now anyways. She likes to start arguments, and Im pretty sure she tests me to see my reaction. I've been failing her tests by giving in everytime. I figured the argument was more detrimental to our relationship, when it was the other way around.

I read your post :)

Why doesn't your g/f work? How was she supporting herself before she met you?
She had a job of 10 years. Very stressful, but has literally driving her mad, and making her miserable. Work offered a severance package to employees based on seniority, and she took it.

Sorry buddy,

You're not doing anything right. First things first NEVER get with a woman who's man is in jail and that has a child by him. These jailbirds come back out and claim their women like a wild pitbull. The women fall back in love with them. Nice guys should get with Nice girls. I can pretty much guarantee this won't end well. The children usually turn out like their father, and when they get older you will most certainly get the "You're not my father".

A girl that goes from Jailbird to nice guy, usually is looking for a guy to take care of her kids. Please Find a nice wholesome girl. You'll thank me in 10 years.
He just went to jail in December. I completely understand the situation you are referring to, and trust me, early on in our relationship, I kept one eye open for signs of this. Simple signs of her wanting the "abusive guy" back. She has had personal therapy, and snice she has become a mother has changed her for the good as well. On top of her meeting someone like me, which is the man she wants, and more ! I guess it's too difficult to portray the entire dynamics of our relationship (3 years now), but it's in no way going in that direction. He will be out in about 6 months, and he is a much hated person by her, her family, and I've grown extremely close to her family, and her to mine. What we have built is great, and there is a lot of love, but it was the attention itself is what had me write this post. What's been happening has been more of a recent change in her...
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Re: Ladies, am I doing it right?

Ouch! But sadly true.

Thuggy, Your Mom did right by you. What does she think of your girl? Does she like her? Does she trust her?
My mother adores her and her daughter. We both has a very tight bond with each others family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
Well I wanted to update what's been going on.
I've been trying to carry myself a bit better. Im staying busy, I'm not texting her first thing in the morning, I'm letting her do it first. Although, neither of us hear from each other till about 11am. It's as if we are playing chicken..anyways. I've laid off on the I Love You's, and I miss You's. I don''t ask what she's doing, and I don't ask her to come see me. I joined the gym, and have gone twice. But she thinks Ive gone 8 times. :) Im not getting up off the couch to get a hug and kiss, and Im not helping her, or doing things FOR her as much. Again, she isn't here much, as she is at her Mothers during her time of Family sickness. (Even though this is no excuse for her to abandon her household).

Last Thursday through Sunday, she was home. It was wonderful. She told me that I seemed happy, and it went noticed. We cooked, we laffed, we were playful with pinching nipples, and wrestling. Like the good old days. We are both corny, goofy people, and it's what attracted us in the first place.

She wanted a grill, and has been asking for one for awhile. We went to Walmart and bought it, and put it together as soon as we got home. Guys, if you've ever assembled a grill, you know what a PITA it is. She peeked out and said, YAYY BABYYYY...and kissed me all over. (rare)

We prepared the food in the kitchen...she was playful, had the radio on, danced around, the 3 yr old jumped in...It was like the awesome happy gitty fun loving family situation. I was on cloud nine.

She pulled me aside prior to putting the steaks on the grill, and actually LOOKED ME IN THE EYE, and said.."All Im looking forward to today is eating this meal, having sex with you tonight, and having a big ass bowl of Ice Cream and brownies tonight. She slapped me on my ass and smiled. I was taken WAY back. This is EXACTLY how I want her to talk, act, and express herself. I was afraid that maybe she read some of my journal, or logged into my TAM account LOL.

All day long, she was affectionate, she hugged, she sat on my lap?? She rubbed my back...and then offered to shave my back, which Ive been asking her to do for months. (Yes, I get quite furry and I hate it). She came up to me a few times, and kissed me. When SHES happy, we are all happy. The part that's hard is, She won't TELL me what makes her happy specifically. She won't give me examples, tell me what makes her upset, or point out verbally something she likes me doing. I have her body language to go by only.

Four days of fun, she dropped all her problems and worries completely and focused on her family. It was exactly what I want out of her, not too much to ask is it? Im pretty sure the fact that I built the grill turned her on...I think. I actually did something on my own, for her, while she prepared the food. Normally I would be in the kitchen trying to help, but I think it irritates her. I don't want to be that guy that lounges onb the couch while she cooks, and not offer to help, so I overdo it by getting the milk and butter out, etc. I need to stop doing that...

Im trying to be add some "Alpha" to my daily life, without full-blown becoming one. I've also said NO to her a few times, and made about 7-8 decisions, although small, on my own for us. I was pleasantly surprised when she agreed to 6 of them with no argument. Wow.

So saturday Night comes, and we had insanely loud, passionate, explosive sex. Initiated by her in a way. Which is another thing Ive brought up to her in the past about doing more of. When we went outside for a smoke....she wrapped her arms around me from behind, and said into my ear.. "That was spectacular, I came twice and I miss it. We may not have quantity, but we have quality. But honey, when I tell to finish in my mouth, I want you to do just that. I wanted to taste you so bad. " Im thinking WHOAAA. THAT'S the girl I met 3 years ago!!!! I told her Illl do anything you ask if you treat me, and charish our family the way you have the last few days. You pushed all the right buttons, and I need you to know that. Thats reciprocation babe, feed my needs, Ill feed yours.

While falling asleep, she told me that she feels much more in the mood, and enjoys sex so much more now that she isn't on Zoloft anymore..... ugh. I knew she was on light doses for her stresses and whatnot, but she didnt tell me that she was taken off of it, and It really didn't hit me that maybe it was her medication that was making her act the way she did....and making her gain the weight she did..
 
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